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It’s just so goddamn lonely


Jacx

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I lost both of my parents over the summer; mom to suicide on July 23rd and Dad from pancreatic cancer August 29th. My parents never married, I’m pretty sure it was just a fling but they stayed together for about a year after I was born. The two sides of my family don’t really know each other. All they really had in common was me and they were from opposite sides of the state...

 

Now that they’re both gone it’s just so friggin lonely; I have no one that I can really share memories with or grieve with... I have half siblings from my Dad but we were never close, cousins in my moms side but they’re about 2 hours away and busy with the crisis that is 2020.

 

I guess I just wish I could grieve with someone, that I could feel connected to my parents through someone else’s experience of them...

 

It’s hard to be the only link between two people who are gone.

 

I don’t wanna burden my friends with my stories about them, I can see that it’s awkward for them and sometimes even painful. I can see the imagined pain of my loss in their faces while they listen. They try to be supportive but it’s not the same.

 

 

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Hi Jacx, I lost my father two weeks ago and even though I can't relate to your exact situation -- my mom is still alive -- I don't have siblings so I definitely understand the aloneness and isolation that my dad's death has brought. My mom has dementia so I can't really share anything with her because she often does not remember simple things. She misses my dad but hasn't cried, which I can't help but feel is odd. She gets uncomfortable when I cry and thinks there is something wrong with me for crying. Friends and relatives called the days after it happened and a few called last week too ... but fewer people call as time goes on. No one really knows how to talk about grief. I feel like most people just don't want to deal with it ... So I am definitely with you on this, it is so goddamned lonely ... I like being alone and never felt lonely until now ... I just feel like the entire world has come to an end and I will never be the same again. No one has ever loved me the way my dad loved me and I think I never loved anyone as much as I loved him ... and he is just gone now. And there is no more love and I feel utterly alone without anyone around who understands.

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Also, I have lost my two most loved aunts to suicide, one in 1977 and the other in 2008. I was closest to them than anyone else in my family. Suicide grief is its own special hell. I remember thinking there was something I could have done to help them ... so there was considerable guilt ... Have you considered attending a support group? I was looking around for some on the web today and noticed that may therapists are offering virtual grief groups. Maybe it would help you feel less lonely?

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Even if your mom is still around it sounds like you’re in a similar space.

You’re so right, as time goes on people reach out less and less. I’ve taken to openly posting on my Facebook about my grief and how it’s still very much a part of each day. It’s funny, those posts get more interaction than anything else I say in social media, except from my family that is.....

I get that feeling, that your Dads love was so important. My mom was the one person I knew I could call anytime and just chat, even though we were estranged it still hurts to know that relationship will never come back.

As for my Dad, he was the one who showed me how to handle hard times. How to cope with horrible things you have no control over....he’d be the one I would’ve gone to in dealing with these losses.

Sometimes I find myself talking to him, imagining what he’d say based on all his past advice. Just laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, talking to my “imaginary” dead dad...

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I can relate to all the feelings that you have both written about. The loneliness is excruciating. Especially as winter comes, it makes me feel things that I don’t want to articulate. Its so painfully lonely. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t care about anything anymore. Abandonment by people who i thought would be there has hurt as well although I have tried to tell myself that people cannot react the way you want them to. But feelings are feelings much unreasonable as they may be. Send you both love and strength to deal with this. I am so sorry.

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Hi everybody, it is just so very lonely and I am sorry for all your hurt. I moved countries in 2017, my dad passed in 2018 and my mom in 2019. I travelled home for both funerals, horrible journeys. I am in my new life with a husband and kids but no family of my own, though my husbands family are here. I feel so detached from everything, I find it hard to settle in still, grief is an overwhelming feature of my life. My husband forgot my mom's first anniversary this year and it hurt me a lot and caused difficulties between us since. I feel I am stuck. I just deal with today, survive today, and don't think about tomorrow. I've started seeing a therapist and I hope this will help me. 

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Sadlaura I have looked into support groups, but with COVID things are difficult and we just had to step back reopening things. I also feel a little strange, since I lost one parent to cancer and the other to Suicide....which kind of group do I go to? which loss do I try and cope with first? I'm overthinking it, I'm sure, but these questions keep me from making solid plans

 

Zee I've got that abandonment piece too, and although I udnerstnad we're all going through a loss and we all grieve differently....I'm bitter. You're right about feelings, as unreasonable as they may be I can't help but have them. I'm working on letting myself have them, knowing that despite this lonely bitterness I don't truly hate them. I just wish they were able to be here. *sigh*

 

Mer I can't fathom the position you're in, being a wife and a mother while dealing with this huge loss....I have the same mantra "one day at a time" but sometimes it's more like
"Ok Jacx, we just gotta survive the next 5 minutes" or "just get through the next hour and then we'll figure out the next". I hate it, but I'm hopeful it will be easier in time. 

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I can relate to all said.  I lost both my parents within a 10 month time frame.  My Mother passed suddenly on 9/1/2019 and my Dad died on 7/24/2020.  I was extremely close to both of them.  It is such a lonely scary place to be without either of them in my life.  I always felt I was a good daughter and didn't think I would have any regrets but I have many.  I miss them terribly and can't seem to get it together.  I have two brothers and they weren't nearly as close to my parents as I was. After my Dads passing, they accused me of making a fake will and of other horrible things.  My parents left me the family house and we are all living in the house we grew up in.   It's hard living together when we're all grown and have our own lives now.  It's hard living under the same roof with people who think so horrible of you.  I love my family and loved my parents but am very bitter by the way my brothers treated my parents.  They weren't here for my parents when they needed to be.  They weren't here for my Dad during his last 30 days but they were here after he passed and they wanted material things. It's been god awful.  I am devastated over my loss.  I feel so alone in this big world.  I cry everyday all day long.  I just needed someone to talk to.   

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Well dang, I'm sorry you're feeling this too. After my mom I kept thinking "I didn't know I could hurt this bad", but then Dad passed and it turned to "I pray no one ever feels pain like this". Your brothers sound like they're about as good of a support network as my family...actually my family hasn't outright said anything rude or cruel, they just don't say anything. Thank you so much for sharing, it may sound sick or bizarre but there's a kind of comfort in hearing others' pain. Knowing this kind of loss isn't unhears of, and other people have shitty family dynamics too.

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1 minute ago, Jacx said:

Well dang, I'm sorry you're feeling this too. After my mom I kept thinking "I didn't know I could hurt this bad", but then Dad passed and it turned to "I pray no one ever feels pain like this". Your brothers sound like they're about as good of a support network as my family...actually my family hasn't outright said anything rude or cruel, they just don't say anything. Thank you so much for sharing, it may sound sick or bizarre but there's a kind of comfort in hearing others' pain. Knowing this kind of loss isn't unhears of, and other people have shitty family dynamics too.

Thanx for your response Jacx; I am so sorry you're feeling the same way I am. I hope things get better and easier for you but I know right now neither one of us can forsee that happening.  I know the holidays will be difficult but know I'm here for you to listen and keep you in my prayers.

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On 11/4/2020 at 3:55 AM, Jacx said:

Even if your mom is still around it sounds like you’re in a similar space.

You’re so right, as time goes on people reach out less and less. I’ve taken to openly posting on my Facebook about my grief and how it’s still very much a part of each day. It’s funny, those posts get more interaction than anything else I say in social media, except from my family that is.....

I get that feeling, that your Dads love was so important. My mom was the one person I knew I could call anytime and just chat, even though we were estranged it still hurts to know that relationship will never come back.

As for my Dad, he was the one who showed me how to handle hard times. How to cope with horrible things you have no control over....he’d be the one I would’ve gone to in dealing with these losses.

Sometimes I find myself talking to him, imagining what he’d say based on all his past advice. Just laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, talking to my “imaginary” dead dad...
 

Perhaps you are right. My mom is present in body but because she has dementia she is not really present, just in her own confused world. It's a tough disease. Yesterday one of my best friends called to see how I was doing. That was really nice. And I do have another friend who leaves me messages every other day. But I just wish someone would just let me talk and be able to empathize with what I am going through ... So many people just want to talk or talk about other things. A friend of mine visited last Friday and we spent five hours together. I would say that about 3-4 hours of that time were easily her talking about her problems ... Dude, I am grieving, stop talking about your problems. I don't really care about anything other than the fact that my father died! I was screaming inside my head as she was speaking.

My mom has always been pretty useless. My dad was a pretty bitter guy. He could be nice and understanding but most of the time he wasn't, especially in the last few years when his illnesses were getting worse. I still miss him something awful and you know what, you are right, I have lost both of my parents, and it really hurts. And it feels to me like the only people who really understand are the people who are also going through it right now.

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laura, i can totally relate to wanting to scream at people, believe me it has happened several times to me when they talk about their problems and lives. I cant really believe it when it happens and it leaves me feeling that either I have gone crazy or the world is mad. 

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Thanks Jacx for your message. It is getting through the days a bit at a time. And you're right, it does feel good in an odd way to know that other people feel like I do. And I agree family dynamics can be pretty shitty whether you live down the road from them or on the other side of the world! 

 

Dena, I am so sorry for the awful time you are going through. There has been trouble in my family too regarding the will and it's amazing what people feel entitled to even though they were rarely involved in any way. You need to try to look after yourself. I tried therapy about 4 months after my mom passed. It was too soon really but it did help on some level to unload all my problems and just speaking them out loud to somebody else did give me comfort. She didn't try to fix me. She just listened and let me cry. I only lasted about 5 visits but at the time it did help. I have no support network where I live so it was my only option and I went to my doctor for help. I hope you find some peace during your day every day for yourself. 

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Thinking of you all. It's so hard with family and friends during this sad and difficult time. I know I felt rage at the people that showed so little consideration, thoughtfulness or simple sensitivity of my feelings. I found some articles that will give some comfort and help in knowing what we are feelings is real and how we can cope. (((hugs)))

https://whatsyourgrief.com/unique-loneliness-grief/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/good-mourning/201906/the-loneliness-grief

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/apr/22/we-need-to-talk-about-death-i-was-not-prepared-for-how-lonely-grief-would-be

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Thanks for sharing these articles reader. I have read the Guardian one before about how grief is not talked about and people are just expected to get on with it. It’s something that discomforts people. 

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Dear Zee,

I know I was guilty of this too before I experienced the raw grief of my dad's passing. I work harder know to be more compassionate and caring and sensitive. It is truly one of those things that none of us can know till it happens to us. I hope we can call find some comfort and peace. Thinking of you all. (((hugs)))

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Dear reader, I read somewhere that losing a parent is losing your past. And thats so true for when you start to think, really think, you often lose it. Especially for those who are younger and at vulnerable stages of life, I feel that their grief is intense and raw. Because life has yet no rhythm and this colours everything that is to follow. After all, you are dependent on your parents not the other way around and theres so much milestones that have not been achieved. I think this should be recognised by people and too often sadly it isnt. Grief is so selfish and people can be very aloof. It is also very common for people to denote an x number of time by which they expect the grieving to be back to their normal selves. It is astonishing how little people can actually understand. 

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On 11/8/2020 at 12:54 AM, reader said:

Dear Zee,

I know I was guilty of this too before I experienced the raw grief of my dad's passing. I work harder know to be more compassionate and caring and sensitive. It is truly one of those things that none of us can know till it happens to us. I hope we can call find some comfort and peace. Thinking of you all. (((hugs)))

I was also guilty of not fully understanding how grief works and how long it takes to truly heal from the loss of a loved one, especially a parent. Now that I've lost my father I understand grief much better and this will help me to support others when they go through their own grief. In fact, it already has. A good fried of mine lost her mom today and for hte past three weeks, since my father died, I've been able to help her through the process.

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On 11/6/2020 at 9:48 AM, Zee24 said:

laura, i can totally relate to wanting to scream at people, believe me it has happened several times to me when they talk about their problems and lives. I cant really believe it when it happens and it leaves me feeling that either I have gone crazy or the world is mad. 

I think I have come to a greater understanding about this which has to do with people not having experience with grief. My friends who are most helpful are the ones who have lost parents. They check in on me to see how I am doing at least once a week, and I really appreciate that. The friend who I was screaming at in my head as she went on and on about her life is a person who although she is older (60+) has not yet lost her parents ... Grief is just one of those things I think that can't be fully appreciated until you have been through it and of course everyone experiences it differently so even then it's hard to know what people are feeling exactly. I am very grateful for everyone in this group. 

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... Grief is just one of those things I think that can't be fully appreciated until you have been through it and of course everyone experiences it differently so even then it's hard to know what people are feeling exactly. I am very grateful for everyone in this group. 



I’ve experienced a number of losses in my life, starting around age 8 with an uncle and various close family members and friends throughout the years.
I thought I understood grief and loss, but i truly know nothing of grief and loss.


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The loneliness that I have felt, since my mother's passing, has been terrible. I really miss mom. My siblings and niece have been supportive, but they don't fully understand how quiet the house is without mom there. I work 3rd shift at a crisis line, so have long had to sleep during the day. Many times mom would come to my bedroom door to check on me and, if I couldn't sleep, ask if everything was okay and if I needed to talk about anything. When I went to the kitchen, I could hear her talking on the phone or watching the news. Without her, it is so quiet. 

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Dear Bequet, 

I hear you, my friend. I know the silence is deafening and to this day I still struggle with it.

Dear Jacx, 

I feel as you do and even though I had an awareness of loss and I didn't fully understand how raw I would be till I lost my father. The reality of that moment knocked me to the ground.

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Dear Jack, 

I'm so sorry you had to go through such terrible tragedies within such a short period. I completely understand your feelings. Now I know why they say grief is isolating. I'm 21 and I lost my mom this year. Most of my friends are starting new career paths or busy moving on in life. Initially they listened, but now only a few check up on me. I can tell there's awkwardness sometimes, which is why I just act normal around them and cry when I'm alone 

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The loneliness that I have felt, since my mother's passing, has been terrible. I really miss mom. My siblings and niece have been supportive, but they don't fully understand how quiet the house is without mom there. I work 3rd shift at a crisis line, so have long had to sleep during the day. Many times mom would come to my bedroom door to check on me and, if I couldn't sleep, ask if everything was okay and if I needed to talk about anything. When I went to the kitchen, I could hear her talking on the phone or watching the news. Without her, it is so quiet. 

Hey Bequet,
I struggle with quiet spaces a lot too. As a kid if I didn’t fall asleep before my mom I’d be up all night...something about the quiet really exacerbates the lonely. I’m sure it sounds strange but in those really quiet hours I took comfortably knowing police stations and hospital were still awake.

The other day I left the radio on classical music in my office and it helped. I like podcasts and stuff too, but the abstract quality in the classical stuff helped my brain.


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PS

I hope you’re all doing OK this week, I really appreciate everyone here.
I struggled a lot the past few weeks try to think of things I’m grateful for, but a big one is all of you and your willingness to share your stories.

Thanks guys, I’m glad you came. [emoji3590]


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I was just thinking about you guys last night as I was taking my pre-sundown walk. Those walks are so important to me because they get me out of the stuffy house where my mother drives me crazy ... but they also make me so sad because I always used to walk with my dad before sunset. So even thinking about this makes me want to start crying and oh boy here come the tears ... So just a quick message to let you know I am still here, still grieving and thinking of all of you and holding you in my mind. You are not alone. I will try to come here more often to see how everyone is doing.

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I find that most people can't really handle crying too, so I mostly cry alone. But my cousin has a wife who is very kind and loving. When they came over this weekend, she cried and I was able to cry with her. That is just so healing, to be able to cry with someone else. To me it feels like an acknowlegment that the person mattered, that their life mattered and that we are grieving. I know they say everyone grieves differently but I just don't understand people who do not cry.

I can't imagine losing a parent at 21 ... I really feel for you .... You are not only grieving the loss right now in the present, but all of the future losses you will experience, all of the events and celebrations where that parent will not be present. My mom lost her mom when she was 20 and she still talks about it to this day, it is still a sore spot for her and she is 80 years old. I wish I could hug you or otherwise comfort you and tell you everything will be okay ... This is a hard, dark journey we are on and often it feels like no one else cares ... but there are millions of us going through this and we are here for each other, listening to each other ... and we are not going to forget, we are not going to go away, we are going to keep checking on you to see how you are doing.

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i know just how this feels and i have few friends as is its i just feel like i really need to talk about it but there's no place or time to do so

we are strong people walking a hard path focusing on this truth gets me through the day 

 

my father larry dan who passed in 2016

 

 

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Dear Jack, 
I'm so sorry you had to go through such terrible tragedies within such a short period. I completely understand your feelings. Now I know why they say grief is isolating. I'm 21 and I lost my mom this year. Most of my friends are starting new career paths or busy moving on in life. Initially they listened, but now only a few check up on me. I can tell there's awkwardness sometimes, which is why I just act normal around them and cry when I'm alone 

Oh Nayana,
I’m sorry. I struggle to cry in front of others for the most part, but sometimes my eyes start to leak and then they’re streaming...while the rest of me seems cool and composed.
It builds up.
I really hate the stigma, I can think of one particular person who hasn’t contacted me once since their deaths despite us being “quarantine buddies” for weekly walks since March. It’s ugly how uncomfortable people are with something that each of us will eventually experience, either our own deaths or the loss of those we love.
Thanks for sharing, we’re here and we hear you.


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We are all in this together. Sharing our journeys and our pain. Although we spend our time with a gigantic hole in our hearts that no one else can see, we are not alone.

sadlaura, I think your Dad would love it that you go for your walks at sunset and think of him. 
 

jacx, I am grateful for everyone here too. It helps to know that others understand. Most of my friends still have both their parents and I know no one my age who has lost both. They try to understand but they don’t. 

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I think one reason people don't call is sometimes they are afraid that calling and talking about the loved one will upset us. I am saying this based on watching my mom's experience when the husband of one of her closest friends died. She simply did not call her friend. I couldn't believe it! I asked her why and she said she didn't know what to say. Then that changed into, I don't want to upset her. Even now, when her husband of 58 years (my father) passed away, I ask her if she wouldn't like to call someone to talk about it. She did call some friends a few times (messaged them actually) but only a few times. She wants to send people Christmas cards but isn't sure of people's current addresses. I told her she could call people but she didn't want to because she thinks they are going to ask about dad and she is going to have to talk about him which will make her sad. So all of these are examples of an otherwise nice, caring person (at least she was caring before dementia started changing her) having valid reasons for not calling. I am even guilty of this. I can remember countless times when someone lost a loved one that I just contacted them once or twice in the week or two that followed and then did not call again. I get mad too when I think about the people who aren't calling me and keeping in touch with me ... but I think I will start thinking about it differently so I don't get too upset. Perhaps we can think of it as them giving us time to grieve. (It's worth a shot ... but I agree that it still sucks that people don't call regularly to see how we are doing.)

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Sadlaura,
I get that, I know it’s really difficult for my stepmom and (half)sister to talk about my Dad. A part of me thinks that I remind them of him too much and that’s why we don’t talk so often.
For me I guess it’s that I don’t want my friends and family to think I’m too fragile, like they can’t share a their lives or that it’d break me if they somehow brought up my parents memory...
Truth is I’m already pretty broken... and feeling closed off from them is worse to me than any perceived harm they might cause.

Here’s pic of this morning’s sunrise, it got cloudy right after but the light was so gorgeous

IMG_1188.jpg
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And just when the grief was taking a break, my sweet cat passed away this afternoon ... the old double whammy. She was 15 years, 5 months old and was suffering from kidney failure ... Maybe she will keep my father company in heaven.

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Sadlaura I’m so sorry about your car, I had my Otis till he was 18 and before he died from kidney problems. He was like my little brother, we grew up together. I couldn’t bring myself to get another cat but I did end up with a gecko. He’s decent company.
Sending you all of the love [emoji177]

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I’m going to be 18 in about 20 days and I lost my dad, who was also my best friend at 8 years old. I’m so sorry for your losses. I can’t relate to the exact thing that you have been through, but I understand the loneliness and pain. It’s terrible going through that at any age. My best friend lost her mom at 17. It never stops hurting.

I do have siblings that help me, but I don’t wanna show them exactly how bad I’m hurting. I’m the oldest, so I gotta be the strongest.

People say it gets easier but truthfully, it doesn’t. Most days you learn to live with the empty pain inside and find distractions, but then, could be random moments, could be specific moment, but you feel everything at once, while still feeling empty. That’s at least the best way I can explain it.
It will be almost 10 years since my dad died and I feel like he’s missed so much and is going to be missing even more important moments. I honestly haven’t figured out how to get through those moment yet. He died in a car accident btw. I just constantly feel alone and like I don’t wnat to be here anymore. I go to therapy. I’ve been going since I was 8, minus about 4-6 years in between I think? My councilor says that days like this happen and we have to keep being positive. And I know she’s right. But it’s so damn hard. I know I’m alive but I don’t feel like I’m actually living and I want it to just stop so I can see my dad again. It’s really tough and hard too because I don’t know how to explain any of these feeling to my boyfriend of 5 months (today actually). 

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On 11/28/2020 at 11:29 PM, ct24 said:

I’m going to be 18 in about 20 days and I lost my dad, who was also my best friend at 8 years old. I’m so sorry for your losses. I can’t relate to the exact thing that you have been through, but I understand the loneliness and pain. It’s terrible going through that at any age. My best friend lost her mom at 17. It never stops hurting.

I do have siblings that help me, but I don’t wanna show them exactly how bad I’m hurting. I’m the oldest, so I gotta be the strongest.

People say it gets easier but truthfully, it doesn’t. Most days you learn to live with the empty pain inside and find distractions, but then, could be random moments, could be specific moment, but you feel everything at once, while still feeling empty. That’s at least the best way I can explain it.
It will be almost 10 years since my dad died and I feel like he’s missed so much and is going to be missing even more important moments. I honestly haven’t figured out how to get through those moment yet. He died in a car accident btw. I just constantly feel alone and like I don’t wnat to be here anymore. I go to therapy. I’ve been going since I was 8, minus about 4-6 years in between I think? My councilor says that days like this happen and we have to keep being positive. And I know she’s right. But it’s so damn hard. I know I’m alive but I don’t feel like I’m actually living and I want it to just stop so I can see my dad again. It’s really tough and hard too because I don’t know how to explain any of these feeling to my boyfriend of 5 months (today actually). 

It sounds like you have been holding in a lot for a very long time. Losing your father at such a young age and in such an unexpected manner had to be traumatic and I am sorry you suffered such an experience. I am glad that you have been going to a therapy. Maybe she can help you to feel more comfortable sharing your grief with you siblings and boyfriend and move past the feeling of not wanting to be here anymore. I wish you and your family the best.

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