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Having a hard time dealing with my father's cancer


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Hello everyone,

4 weeks ago my father started feeling uncontrollable pain. After multiple ER visits ,they admitted him in hospital. we still don't exactly know which type of cancer it is,(results pending), but they gave us 3 to 4 more months with him. I came back home(from different continent) just to see him and was shocked when I saw that he is just a shadow of my father. I hugged him,kissed him, told him that I love him, but he was so weak to respond, even I am his favorite daughter. You could just see tears sliding his bony face with no facial reaction.

The whole family is a team....we talk all the time about the next move. I'm originally from Serbia and hospitals here are in such a bad state that patients get even more depressed staying there and the food they give to the patients is anything but normal. So, today we decided to take him home and continue to take care of him ourselves, of course with nurse coming daily. It is going to be hard,but I believe, it is better to try to feed him with a proper food for his state and try to make him stronger. If we don't succeed in that, it is better he dies around us surrounded with love and hugs and kisses that all alone it the hospital.

This post might look optimistic, like I am strong.... but my heart is going to explode. I cry all the time because I can't believe that the nicest man on this planet is going to die in so much pain after all he's been through. And I am so afraid of the day he dies and knowing that the sun will rise the next day like nothing happened.

 

Ivana 

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Nicole-my grief journey

Ivana my heart and empathy goes out to you. This happened to me first with my brother and then with my mom where in both cases they gave us a few months. I viscerally remember the shock, disbelief, fear, adrenaline, questions, and all the other emotions. I was grateful to have the time and be their caregiver and wouldn’t change that ever. Eventually we had to have hospice and other care but we did our best to keep them comfortable and let them know how much we love them and that they weren’t alone. I reassured them we would be ok (as that was a fear of for both of them). Once a week for an hour I attended meetings with others in similar situations through palliative care and I found it helpful. I also share on here, other places online and over the phone with my therapist which has also helped a lot. Remember as you go through this: that no matter what, we do the best we can and it’s up and down and that’s ok. Take it day by day. Sending you hope, love, strength and prayers. 

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Thank you so much for your kind words.I scheduled an appointment with a therapist, because feel I need a guidance through all of this.

Update :The day we supposed to take my father home,they told us he has been having a fever all night and they have to do some tests. He ended contracting a Covid from some other patient. He has been transferred to the other ward with no possibility for us to see him, all by him self, scared. He was looking forward being at home, with us.. Doctors told us there is a small chance to none, he'll survive all of this.

Now I have to live with this till the rest of my life. My heart is breaking. 

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Update: My last post was on Thursday. My father passed away yesterday. Because of the Covid ,funeral was today. We had so much hope and now he is gone. Just like that.

              I'm in shock .

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Valerie Lockhart

Dear Ivana,

I'm sorry for your loss. May the God of all comfort take hold of your hand and walk beside you during this difficult time. And, may you be strengthened by the hope of a resurrection and God's promise to swallow up death forever. (Isaiah 25:8)

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