Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Sister/daughter


Mamdy

Recommended Posts

  • Members

From the time my sister was 2 days old I was her main caregiver, I raised her. I was 14 almost 15 at the time. Our mothers was an alcoholic and a narcissist, who happened to get postpartum after Amber, my sister, was born. Making my already troubled teenage years harder. I absolutely tried my best. I swear i did, but i was a kid still too. I raised her as my sister, think gilmore girls. We were a pair. I worked, went to school, & took care of her. Even as I had my own children, she was always my first. Amber & my oldest were extremely close, like brother & sister instead of aunt & uncle. 

Amber was always one for a good time. She was young & free. I never squashed her freedom, in retrospect I should've. Instead I tried to teach her limits, everything in moderation, lines you shouldn't cross, rabbit holes she should avoid. But on September 18th this year, almost 6 weeks ago, she accidentally od'd. Because my sister, who was 27, was a free spirit & had such a kind trusting heart she took something, not sure what yet bc pathology isn't back, laced with enough fentanyl to kill an adult bull elephant. I know my sister. She wouldn't mess with fentanyl. There is an open case bc the police don't think it was random; a lot of overdoses have happened where she lived in Missouri. And I'm angry. So very angry. I told her that town would kill her, its where we both grew up. When i left that cesspool i took her with me but she grew up & went back to try to form a bond with out mother because she had gotten herself "sober." 

I miss my sister! Im angry at my sister! I'm disappointed in my sister! But mainly I don't know how to live without her. Ive always been, what I thought, was a strong person & after how I grew up I never gave anyone enough power to break me, but this girl has shattered me. 

I know I have to go on and live my life, for me, for my kids, & for my husband but I can't make my way out of this fog. I just keep reliving what I should've said at one point in time or another, instead of what I did say. Did she know the real love I had for her? Did she know what her "fun time" would do to her brothers & me? My boys seem to be doing okay. The oldest is off at college 16 hours away & thats hard. The youngest is how I have always been, until now. He's accepted it, knows he can't change it & thinks of her fondly. 

I however can't do hardly anything without a breakdown. Hearing music, i taught her to appreciate? I'm in the corner huddling. Disney movie? Total breakdown. Taking a shower? I swear I see things, words written in the tiles I can't quite make out. Cooking? Not enough energy in my body & if its one of her recipes absolutely not. I can't let go of her. I even had to turn to pharmaceuticals to sleep & if u knew me you'd be shocked by that statement. I just want normalcy back and I don't know how to get there. Not for my kids, my husband, or myself. I put on a good front for my boys because I don't want them to see me like this. I want them to have the strength I've tried to instill in them. But with every tear, every sad thought, every bit of anger, I feel like I'm failing them.

Thank you for letting me rant.

Mandy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mason’s Mom

I am sorry for your loss. The words aren't much comfort, but I understand your pain.  You raised your sister as a daughter. You can't blame yourself for her actions. The feelings you describe are so familiar. If you get a chance try to find a counselor or someone to talk about your pain. I had a few friends at work that helped and I saw a counselor for a few months. Telling someone hoe you feel and not holding it all bottled up can really help. 

Carol

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.