Dealing with others during grief who can't accept your process of pain

[Life35]

Recently I loss the love of my life.  A year ago I loss my brother which I was never given the space to properly grieve because I had to be strong supportive for my mom.  I got a counselor for myself.  I thought I knew pain but this has taken the very life out of me.  I've found quiet and therapy to be the only thing keeping me sane. I hurt everyday and I give people the right to not understand because maybe they are not emotional people or have never known that kind of love or pain.  Yet,  I'm allowed the space I need to be where I need to be without some taking my silence personal the lack of access or me not being what they want me to be for them even in my own grief.  Including my own mother.  I communicate via text because emotionally talking has been too much.  I have health issues from my emotions and had cancer before.  So I'm trying to redirect my limitations. But I have been told by my mother I'm being hurtful to her.  I am not intending to hurt anyone I just need time and space and silence but because I can't give her what she needs I'm a bad horrible person.  I'm a grown woman BTW. She'll bring up things from the past that have no relevance to now.  But it's like she hasn't let go of them and then makes things about how she is feeling she has even brought up my brother.  She can't just let me be where I'm at without making it about what she wants and needs.  I love my mother but what i do or my way doesn't suit her.  It makes it impossible for me to even want to connect because right now I have nothing in me.  My loss is my Soulmate and the person who poured into my brokenness with so much love.  He has always been my person and the fabric of my heart. And even though we were not together that love remained. We had a fairytale relationship.  You know how you know there is one person who knows you better than anyone and loves you wholly in this world... and then suddenly they are not here.   My brain can't even process this as reality without shutting down. I wanted to end myself when I was told and one friend showed up on my doorstep having heard the news and I don't know what have happened if she didn't.  I'm broken in a million pieces of pain in a way that only those who knew what we shared can understand.  My mom can't and that's ok. All I want is the space to grieve peacefully without someone trying to make me feel guilty for it. If others do it.  I can say we'll let them fall by the side.  But with my mom she doesn't hear.  I tried to explain this to her as well but she doesn't really hear me because it always goes back to how she feels.  I don't know what to do.  All I know is I'm in so much pain and have no energy for anything. 

In love and grief.

 

[reader]

Dear Life35,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hear where you're coming from and it's really hard in families during such a sad and difficult time. 

It's hard for others to understand what we need and want to get through each day.

I hope the therapist can help with your mom.

My thoughts are with you.

[Heartlight]

Dear Life35,

Dealing with a mothers who is selfish is extremely hard.  I have had many headshaking times in my life where I see other people's mothers giving unconditionally to their children, wanting their children to have all the opportunity, to create a good life, to be free to be who they are and support them to getting there.  My mother wanted to keep everyone home in her basement so she could get the attention she felt she deserved, when she deserved it.

So yes, I know about difficult mothers.

I, unlike the rest of my family, was able to break free from the chain of co-dependence without completely cutting her out of my life.  Someone said these words to me: "You will never understand your mother.  You need to just start accepting her."

Over the years, I have been able to integrate this understanding into my personal circumstance.  So I hope this will be of help to you. 

Instead of trying to understand your mother or have her understand you, just accept that this is who she is right now and take care of you.  Don't dialog with the part of her that you think should be understanding, because you have already said she doesn't.  Let her be.  Let you do what you need.  Don't accept that you are anything bad for finding your space, when she makes those statements, they are about her, not you.  And you can find a way to do this with compassion for her but taking this stalwart action for you.

Most, most important... let go of your thoughts that anything she says has anything to do with you.  That is the trap of co-dependence.  Co-dependence is feeling responsible for another person's feelings.

If it were me, I might even go so far as to say, "yes, I understand you think I am terrible." and just accept it.  Because you are NOT terrible.  And it is NOT your job to convince her that you are not terrible.

It is your job to love yourself and let yourself have the space to grieve and nurture yourself through the pain of the deep love that you have lost.

And the next time you feel you may not be able to go on, if someone doesn't show up on your doorstep, come here instead. You will find people here who will listen to how important and deep your pain is.  And they will remind you that going on and living going through this pain is a pure testament to the love of your relationship.

We all grieve together here.

<3

 

 

[Life35]

On 12/7/2020 at 8:20 AM, reader said:

Dear Life35,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hear where you're coming from and it's really hard in families during such a sad and difficult time. 

It's hard for others to understand what we need and want to get through each day.

I hope the therapist can help with your mom.

My thoughts are with you.

Thank you graciously!

[Life35]

22 hours ago, Heartlight said:

Dear Heartlight!

Thank you for this most empathic and understanding response. I have actually done much of what you stated and it has been incredibly helpful. It took time but I have had to do this on many levels. People want me to engage as I would before and I'm not in that space nor am I the same person. Just yesterday, I had to make it clear to someone that I don't want to talk. And could not feel bad about it. It's negotiating that everyone will not like the fact that I have shifted but my survival, my forward motion is contingent on me doing what is necessary for myself to keep pushing.  Thank you again from my heart for your beautiful and insightful reply. I read it feeling like "yes this person gets if" and that is comforting on multiple levels.  I pray you a Blessed New Season and that comfort and love surround you.

 

 

Dear Life35,

Dealing with a mothers who is selfish is extremely hard.  I have had many headshaking times in my life where I see other people's mothers giving unconditionally to their children, wanting their children to have all the opportunity, to create a good life, to be free to be who they are and support them to getting there.  My mother wanted to keep everyone home in her basement so she could get the attention she felt she deserved, when she deserved it.

So yes, I know about difficult mothers.

I, unlike the rest of my family, was able to break free from the chain of co-dependence without completely cutting her out of my life.  Someone said these words to me: "You will never understand your mother.  You need to just start accepting her."

Over the years, I have been able to integrate this understanding into my personal circumstance.  So I hope this will be of help to you. 

Instead of trying to understand your mother or have her understand you, just accept that this is who she is right now and take care of you.  Don't dialog with the part of her that you think should be understanding, because you have already said she doesn't.  Let her be.  Let you do what you need.  Don't accept that you are anything bad for finding your space, when she makes those statements, they are about her, not you.  And you can find a way to do this with compassion for her but taking this stalwart action for you.

Most, most important... let go of your thoughts that anything she says has anything to do with you.  That is the trap of co-dependence.  Co-dependence is feeling responsible for another person's feelings.

If it were me, I might even go so far as to say, "yes, I understand you think I am terrible." and just accept it.  Because you are NOT terrible.  And it is NOT your job to convince her that you are not terrible.

It is your job to love yourself and let yourself have the space to grieve and nurture yourself through the pain of the deep love that you have lost.

And the next time you feel you may not be able to go on, if someone doesn't show up on your doorstep, come here instead. You will find people here who will listen to how important and deep your pain is.  And they will remind you that going on and living going through this pain is a pure testament to the love of your relationship.

We all grieve together here.

<3