I loved my dog more than words can describe, she died and I wish I had to.

[Audrina]

April 28th 2020 my dog died I loved her for 13 years since I was 3 years old and now she’s gone. She had intestinal cancer, I tried so hard to help her live, my parents wouldn’t do treatment because the vet saw it as pointless because she was old, so I fed her and gave her medicine I researched about online, I bought her a therapeutic bed and food for dogs with cancer that she wouldn’t eat. 6 months is the average life expectancy for dogs with intestinal cancer, she started to get sick she wouldn’t eat, she barely moved my parents wanted me to choose to put her down and I couldn’t  so I didn’t, I fed her when she didn’t want to eat I gave her water with a dropper when she wouldn’t drink, I tried I wish I tried harder I loved her so much when I cried she would cry, she was mine and I was hers. On April 28th I didn’t know she would die I gave her food and water I prayed for just 2 more months I put her on my bed and for awhile she was fine I petted her and told her I loved her, told her I would take her outside in the morning, after a while she started seizing, her mouth foaming, she defecated so I picked her up to give her a bath in the sink, I clipped her nails and cleaned her up because I wanted her life to be better for as long as she was going to live I didn’t think it would be so short, I promised her we would go outside so she could see the sky she just laid there not moving I could see her ribs she was just staring off I thought she was dead. I can’t understand this pain I want to scream and cry I want it all to be over I loved her so much. She groaned and I had so much hope that she would just come out of it I held her with the towel to my chest and got the stethoscope that we had used to listen to the puppies she had 11 years ago, her heart still beat, I went upstairs and told my mom to call the vet but she didn’t she said my dog was dying and it was better for her to die at home,I wish I had done it myself I wish I had done cpr I wish I had tried harder. I sat on the bathroom floor with my dying dog rocking back and forth listening to her heart I don’t know when it stopped I convinced myself it still beat I wrapped her in a dry towel and I went down stairs and sat in the living room listening to my dogs heart, at 5:30 am I realized she was dead. I took pills not enough that I could die because I’m still alive,I put on shoes and left my house holding my dead dog and my dog who wouldn’t let me leave without her and I showed my dog who could no longer see the sky as I walked to the most beautiful place near my house because I wanted to show her how much I loved her even though she was gone I wanted to keep my promise.  I wish that I had died with her I loved her for 13 years she loved me,as she would cry when I cried I wish I had died when she died my dog suffered she was starving, I hate myself, I hate god who I prayed to and asked for 2 more months I hate everything. I wish I had the guts to end my life I wish I had my dog. Her name was Peaches and I am alone she loved me more than anyone and I wish I had given her more for as much as I loved her it wasn’t enough to keep her alive,I wish I had tried harder. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you, I feel your loss, your pain, I know the feelings.  I lost my Arlie 8/16/19, he was my soulmate in a dog, the perfect dog for me, my heart & soul, I loved him more than anything.  But we can't will something to live, just because we want it so bad.  Crying out why does no good, there's no resounding answer, if someone could explain it to us, we still wouldn't get it.  My Arlie had cancer, he lived two months ten days past diagnosis, his liver shut down.  I kept him on supplements for his liver, for his mood, and CBD oil to help his pain/mood.  I euthanized him before he could suffer any worse.  He was a large dog and I didn't want him to reach the point where he couldn't walk.

Two days before he died, he wanted to make his way down the street to see his girlfriend, Sammy.  It was slow but something he needed to do before he died.  He went through slow motions of feigning to play with her, and then we started the trek home.  He had to stop and rest several times along the way.  I thought about going and getting the car but I sensed this is something he wanted to do, on his own.  He did it.  The rest of the evening he laid on the couch, exhausted but smiling.  I think he knew the end was very near.  Two days later was one of the hardest days of my life.  It's been 13 1/2 months now and I still miss him and love him with all my heart.

I hope you will read these articles and find some comfort in the video.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html
It is not our grief that binds us to them, it is our love, and it continues still.