Do others feel easily overwhelmed?

[SDC]

I'm 5 months into grieving and I'm surprised by how often I feel easily overwhelmed. Whenever anything unexpected/unplanned happens (i.e. a life hassle like a car repair, etc.) it feels like a crisis even when it isn't. I intensely overreact and feel that I can't handle whatever it is. Of course I can. I have no choice. I hate that I have to talk myself away from so many unnecessary ledges. It's exhausting. I'm curious if others can relate. 

[pageking]

Though I'm further down the road than you are (over a year), I can totally relate to what you describe. The simplest thing can feel like a mountain to climb, and you know from past experience that you're actually quite capable. I kept having to just get up and leave work during the first year after my son died. My grief had a strong physical component - I called it the "grief flu" - where I'd stare at my computer screen at work and not be able to decipher what I needed to do. Or stare at my phone and not be able to recall what buttons to push to make something happen. Just know that getting overwhelmed by what used to be simple solves, is completely normal. A big part of you is grieving, all the time, and it is sucking the life out of all the other parts. This will change with time. But just because you LOOK like you're functioning in the world doesn't mean you actually are.

[SDC]

1 hour ago, pageking said:

Though I'm further down the road than you are (over a year), I can totally relate to what you describe. The simplest thing can feel like a mountain to climb, and you know from past experience that you're actually quite capable. I kept having to just get up and leave work during the first year after my son died. My grief had a strong physical component - I called it the "grief flu" - where I'd stare at my computer screen at work and not be able to decipher what I needed to do. Or stare at my phone and not be able to recall what buttons to push to make something happen. Just know that getting overwhelmed by what used to be simple solves, is completely normal. A big part of you is grieving, all the time, and it is sucking the life out of all the other parts. This will change with time. But just because you LOOK like you're functioning in the world doesn't mean you actually are.

I'm so sorry your son died. I can't imagine the depth of that loss. Thank you for taking the time to reply. So many aspects of grief surprise me. I feel like I'm doing OK and then a phone call from a mechanic is too much to process--it's as if I can't comprehend that I have to make a decision, take action, etc. I've learned that repeatedly saying "You're overreacting. This isn't a crisis. Your grief is causing you to react too strongly" out loud and taking a walk helps bring me back to a more rational place, but the initial sensation of being overwhelmed is intense and unfamiliar. It's reassuring to know that I'm not alone in such sensations. Thanks again.

[widower2]

Absolutely. This is perfectly "normal," if such a thing can be said of times like this. 

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, widower2 said:

Absolutely. This is perfectly "normal," if such a thing can be said of times like this. 

That's it in a nutshell. 

Yes, the first year+ everyone and everything overwhelmed me, practically all the time.  I didn't use to be that way.  Around 8 months ago (so 18 months into my grief journey), I realized that I wasn't getting as overwhelmed as easily or as often.  Yet, I still have days where I can't seem to get a darn thing done.  I guess, I don't care enough or have the mental/physical energy to do it, so I still drift through many (but not all) days or parts of days.  I do have auto-immune conditions that affect my health significantly, but my grief just makes everything worse.

It's just one more thing we cannot truly understand until it happens to us.  We can't be prepared for it because it cannot be explained in words.

[SDC]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

That's it in a nutshell. 

Yes, the first year+ everyone and everything overwhelmed me, practically all the time.  I didn't use to be that way.  Around 8 months ago (so 18 months into my grief journey), I realized that I wasn't getting as overwhelmed as easily or as often.  Yet, I still have days where I can't seem to get a darn thing done.  I guess, I don't care enough or have the mental/physical energy to do it, so I still drift through many (but not all) days or parts of days.  I do have auto-immune conditions that affect my health significantly, but my grief just makes everything worse.

It's just one more thing we cannot truly understand until it happens to us.  We can't be prepared for it because it cannot be explained in words.

Thank you for responding. It seems like grieving is 2 equally brutal layers---living with your sadness/longing for/missing your person and the onslaught of the unfamiliar ways grief manifests. It is, obviously, a lot. I feel like some people in my life are already tired of who I am now. I don't care--I know how to put myself first and not be impacted by how others react---but that too is surprising. Grief is a lot of unwanted and unexpected surprises! Yikes. Thanks again for taking the time to share with me. It helps. 

[KayC]

@pageking  Welcome here!  I haven't seen you write before and hope you'll continue to come!  I want to give you an article I wrote that I like to share with those newer (one year+ is still newer) in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or later on...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

On 9/29/2020 at 4:03 PM, SDC said:

I'm curious if others can relate. 

Oh yes, even now I sometimes can feel that way...things we always tackled together are now shouldered alone.  And face it, this world is not as it once was, with COVID, politics, division, protests, everything changing, even our socialization, I wish more than anything my husband was here to go through this WITH!  But then a part of me is glad for him that he doesn't have to. 

[ccoflove]

Absolutely, I feel overwhelmed much more easily and often now. My man was such a great problem solver, he came to my rescue whenever I needed him and he tackled so much and made it look easy. A life built for two is a lot to shoulder for one person alone. When problems arise it seems to bring on the grief louder and exasperate the problem. Grieving takes an enormous amount of energy, on my bad days it's all I can manage and I have to take it easy for the rest of the day because I feel drained. And in these extra trying times everything is so much harder and complicated anyway. Things get done at a much slower pace then I was use to before. 

[SDC]

52 minutes ago, ccoflove said:

Absolutely, I feel overwhelmed much more easily and often now. My man was such a great problem solver, he came to my rescue whenever I needed him and he tackled so much and made it look easy. A life built for two is a lot to shoulder for one person alone. When problems arise it seems to bring on the grief louder and exasperate the problem. Grieving takes an enormous amount of energy, on my bad days it's all I can manage and I have to take it easy for the rest of the day because I feel drained. And in these extra trying times everything is so much harder and complicated anyway. Things get done at a much slower pace then I was use to before. 

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you're suffering too. These words struck me: "Grieving takes an enormous amount of energy." Wow, is that true. I knew it, but hadn't said it to myself so succinctly. It's hard to make room for a sudden problem or issue, and if I need to make an unexpected decision I come to a standstill. I'm exhausted because of an unexpected car issue--it makes me feel damaged. I need to learn to be a little less hard on myself. Thanks again for sharing--it helps me not feel like I'm going crazy. 

[Knvsmom]

Yeah my Shawn wasn't neccessarily mechanically inclined, but if he studied it long enough he could usually figure out a solution on how to fix or at least jimmy rig things to get them to work.

I find myself struggling to do simple things that I'm completely capable of doing & just bawling when it doesn't work right.

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, Knvsmom said:

I find myself struggling to do simple things that I'm completely capable of doing & just bawling when it doesn't work right.

Welcome.  You are so early in your grief that all you should expect of yourself is to just get through the day and keep breathing.  Of course you'll have paperwork and other legalities that cannot be postponed, but unless it's something where you know it absolutely must be done now (like notifications or prepping your home for winter), give yourself the time and space necessary to focus on your own needs.

This is the time for you to allow yourself to begin your grief journey.  It is a difficult, unwelcome, painful journey.  There's no way around it and no easy way through it.  We are each unique in our grief, where we are in our lives, and our situations, so we are on individual paths, but we are walking the road together.  Here, you are never alone and are surrounded by people who understand and "get it" in ways that others cannot, no matter how much they love us or want to help.  Finding the members on this forum almost literally saved my life when I was floundering around lost and hopeless.  Even with a small, tight, loving, and loyal circle of family and friends, I almost always felt alone because, while they were and are grieving losing my love, I am the one whose life and heart were shattered into tiny pieces and I am the one who has to figure out a way to move forward, slowly and painfully, carrying my grief and my love with me. 

We are here to listen, to give advice (if asked), and to hear, really hear, what you need to say.  I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but this is a good place to be.  So come to talk, to question, to rant, to "scream" if you need it.

[foreverhis]

On 9/30/2020 at 4:26 PM, SDC said:

Thank you for responding. It seems like grieving is 2 equally brutal layers---living with your sadness/longing for/missing your person and the onslaught of the unfamiliar ways grief manifests. It is, obviously, a lot. I feel like some people in my life are already tired of who I am now. I don't care--I know how to put myself first and not be impacted by how others react---but that too is surprising. Grief is a lot of unwanted and unexpected surprises! Yikes. Thanks again for taking the time to share with me. It helps. 

I hope that I am able to help in some small way.  When I first came here, I needed so much help and comfort from the members and now it feels good to be able to be here for others.  At 5 months, you are still at the beginning of your grief journey.  You've taken the right attitude that if others are tired of you not being back to "normal" that is their problem.  If they cannot understand that you will never be who you were before or grasp that grief is not some neat little process where you come out the other side "better," so be it.  So often it's because they are uncomfortable with our grief.  Most societies try to pretend that death, loss, and grief don't exist, so we bury our heads in the sand.  Often people do not know what to say or do, so they say nothing and hope that we'll just "get over it" and "move on."  Of course, we do not get over it or move on, but with time we can (and IMO, should try to) move forward, knowing we are forever changed. 

Yes, grief is definitely multi-faceted.  The "basic" pain and sadness is compounded by feeling left adrift and rudderless in an ocean with no horizons.  Then there is everything, as you say, unfamiliar.  The things that no one told us about because so much of this specific loss can only be experienced to be understood.  I didn't know that my grief would take such a toll on my body or that it would make the brain fog from my auto-immune conditions unimaginably worse.  I'm not sure I would have believed it had anyone tried to tell me.  I could not imagine how lonely and alone I would feel even in a room full of people who love me and him.  I understood it would be difficult and painful, but I wasn't really prepared for how long and confusing this journey would be.  I think I will be navigating it the rest of my life.

I didn't expect to feel so vulnerable and often helpless.  I'm a smart woman; I was not an incompetent ninny when I met my husband when I was 23.  I'm not an idiot now, but boy are there days I feel like a useless, leftover nobody.  I didn't understand that I would feel so overwhelmed by absolutely everything.  I could not have fathomed how stupid I would feel and how often I would feel that way.  There is so much that goes along with losing our soulmates that I think it's impossible to describe to anyone who hasn't experienced it.

But for me and for most people, I think, time helps soften the edges.  Experience is allowing me to pick up my grief and carry it, along with my cell deep love, as I step slowly forward.  I have indeed taken steps forward.  I know I will always miss him every bit as much as I did the first morning I woke up truly alone, but that knowledge no longer crushes me or stomps me into the dark pit, at least not as deeply, not as often, and for shorter times.  Losing my love no longer defines every moment of my life.

I can smile and laugh now without feeling it's a betrayal.  I can talk to him about good things, not just about how much I need him to come home.  I can reminisce with close friends and family about some of the wonderful times we all shared, from his silly side to his honesty to his generous heart.  He was far from perfect, but we choose to remember all that is positive and wonderful about it--even if it does sometimes include how darn stubborn and a bit opinionated he could be!  I can tell newer friends about him without completely breaking down.  And I am so very lucky in that regard.  We had and I still have a small, tight circle of long-time friends and a small, caring family.  But they all live from a few hours to a full day away.  I have also been granted the grace of a small circle of newer friends right here.  People we were just getting to really know when my love was diagnosed.  They stepped up a bit during his fight and have continued to step even more since we lost him.  That has helped more than I expected.  You will definitely learn who are true friends are and, I hope, you will also find new friends to help and comfort you as you find your way.

((hugs))

 

[KayC]

I couldn't put it any better than foreverhis did.  We're here for you, listening, caring.  Sometimes I wish in my early grief I could have had the luxury of just pulling the covers back over my head and staying there all day.  But I had to go to work, I pushed myself, beyond what I felt like doing, truth be known, everything was hard, and I'd always been a capable person!  But this knocked me down.  We can't expect anything else, just breathing is enough sometimes.

[SDC]

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I hope that I am able to help in some small way.  When I first came here, I needed so much help and comfort from the members and now it feels good to be able to be here for others.  At 5 months, you are still at the beginning of your grief journey.  You've taken the right attitude that if others are tired of you not being back to "normal" that is their problem.  If they cannot understand that you will never be who you were before or grasp that grief is not some neat little process where you come out the other side "better," so be it.  So often it's because they are uncomfortable with our grief.  Most societies try to pretend that death, loss, and grief don't exist, so we bury our heads in the sand.  Often people do not know what to say or do, so they say nothing and hope that we'll just "get over it" and "move on."  Of course, we do not get over it or move on, but with time we can (and IMO, should try to) move forward, knowing we are forever changed. 

Yes, grief is definitely multi-faceted.  The "basic" pain and sadness is compounded by feeling left adrift and rudderless in an ocean with no horizons.  Then there is everything, as you say, unfamiliar.  The things that no one told us about because so much of this specific loss can only be experienced to be understood.  I didn't know that my grief would take such a toll on my body or that it would make the brain fog from my auto-immune conditions unimaginably worse.  I'm not sure I would have believed it had anyone tried to tell me.  I could not imagine how lonely and alone I would feel even in a room full of people who love me and him.  I understood it would be difficult and painful, but I wasn't really prepared for how long and confusing this journey would be.  I think I will be navigating it the rest of my life.

I didn't expect to feel so vulnerable and often helpless.  I'm a smart woman; I was not an incompetent ninny when I met my husband when I was 23.  I'm not an idiot now, but boy are there days I feel like a useless, leftover nobody.  I didn't understand that I would feel so overwhelmed by absolutely everything.  I could not have fathomed how stupid I would feel and how often I would feel that way.  There is so much that goes along with losing our soulmates that I think it's impossible to describe to anyone who hasn't experienced it.

But for me and for most people, I think, time helps soften the edges.  Experience is allowing me to pick up my grief and carry it, along with my cell deep love, as I step slowly forward.  I have indeed taken steps forward.  I know I will always miss him every bit as much as I did the first morning I woke up truly alone, but that knowledge no longer crushes me or stomps me into the dark pit, at least not as deeply, not as often, and for shorter times.  Losing my love no longer defines every moment of my life.

I can smile and laugh now without feeling it's a betrayal.  I can talk to him about good things, not just about how much I need him to come home.  I can reminisce with close friends and family about some of the wonderful times we all shared, from his silly side to his honesty to his generous heart.  He was far from perfect, but we choose to remember all that is positive and wonderful about it--even if it does sometimes include how darn stubborn and a bit opinionated he could be!  I can tell newer friends about him without completely breaking down.  And I am so very lucky in that regard.  We had and I still have a small, tight circle of long-time friends and a small, caring family.  But they all live from a few hours to a full day away.  I have also been granted the grace of a small circle of newer friends right here.  People we were just getting to really know when my love was diagnosed.  They stepped up a bit during his fight and have continued to step even more since we lost him.  That has helped more than I expected.  You will definitely learn who are true friends are and, I hope, you will also find new friends to help and comfort you as you find your way.

((hugs))

 

Thank you. I'm sure I'll reread this repeatedly. It helped. It's kind of you to share with a stranger. Kindness matters more to me now than ever. 

[Jo R]

I am 2 1/2 months in.  The overwhelming feeling is still daily.  I am unsure what i do some days.

[KayC]

@Jo R  I hope you will print my "Tips" article above.  We welcome you here, although I'm very sorry for the reason.  This has pretty much become my philosophy since losing my George: