Should I cut off my best friend?

[elaerna]

Part of my grieving journey has been to distance myself from others. When people say they love me it feels uncomfortable and I don't like it. Most people except for maybe my mother and my best friend have respected this and kept their distance. They say they understand that I can't right now and they leave me alone. 

My best friend keeps trying to talk to me. I told her multiple times I don't like it. But she keeps trying anyway. I am fine with having superficial conversations but it seems to me that she dislikes having superficial conversations only and whenever we talk tries to deepen the conversation or cuts it off because she is frustrated that it's superficial. I talked to her about this today and she confirmed she doesn't like the way it's going but said that she would not want to stop talking to me/talk to me less (I didn't ask her to do this, she's saying she would not of her own volition.) 

She also says that it hurts her feelings and that our friendship is damaged because of the way that I am acting. I often get tired of conversations and say I don't want to have this conversation anymore or don't respond or don't respond for a long time because I am just not capable of this kind of response. Honestly I do not see this changing any time in the near future. 

She said that she would wait. Until some future time in which she couldn't take it anymore and then she would at that time give me an ultimatum change back or she will stop being friends with me. 

Honestly I feel like this is very selfish and puts a lot of pressure on me to try to change. I feel like today's conversation was just very focused on me, the person with a life changing grieving process, to try to care about and expend emotional energy on her, the person who doesn't have any emotional hardships right now. No one else has asked this of me. And yeah I feel like it is very selfish of her to ask this of me. 

I find it hard to care about this right now. Having this conversation made me cry a lot and I hate this feeling of being sad. I don't want to feel feelings. It makes me sad and angry and honestly I'm not sure that I have the capability or even want to at some point go back to the caring person I used to be. I told her all this. 

Sometimes I wonder if I should just cut off all my relationships. Then no one would emotionally pressure me and I wouldn't cry as much anymore. But I recognize that later if I do change back into whoever I was before that I will be very sad that I cut off my best friend. But then again I may never change back. 

[Gail 8588]

Elaerna, 

I am so sorry your best friend is being so demanding right now. I think you may need to take a break from her for awhile.  Perhaps you can tell her you are just not capable of having these conversations right now and that you need some time without this pressure.  Arrange to  get together in January to see if you are able to spend time together. Perhaps by then she will be less demanding and perhaps you will be able to share a little more.  If not, extend the separation for another several months. 

Good luck to you.

Gail

[elaerna]

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Elaerna, 

I am so sorry your best friend is being so demanding right now. I think you may need to take a break from her for awhile.  Perhaps you can tell her you are just not capable of having these conversations right now and that you need some time without this pressure.  Arrange to  get together in January to see if you are able to spend time together. Perhaps by then she will be less demanding and perhaps you will be able to share a little more.  If not, extend the separation for another several months. 

Good luck to you.

Gail

Thank you Gail. She did say she would give me time. But after some unknown amount of time she would tell me that either I had to change or our friendship was over. I feel like there is some ticking time bomb over my head. 

[widower2]

I'm sorry if this comes out wrong... 

But what a self-centered, insensitive ahole she is acting like, and that is being kind. It hurt HER feelings? Are you effing kidding me?? YOUR feelings are paramount here, NOT hers, and if she truly was a a good friend, she'd get that. She clearly has no clue how horribly you are suffering and worse isn't interested in understanding that; she is focused on HER, not YOU. That is not a true friend IMO.  A true great friend would say "do whatever you need to do to get through this, and whatever way I can help you I will, just let me know." 

Maybe you should point her to this thread so she sees how you feel and just maybe a clue bird plops a load on her head and the light clicks on. But I wouldn't hold my breath. Good grief. I hate to say this, but if this is her attitude, maybe it's time to find a new (and truer) best friend. I'm not seeing anything "best" in this. But that can be a hard lesson we all learn in times like this: who our REAL friends are. I found frankly that I had very few. 

 

[elaerna]

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

I'm sorry if this comes out wrong... 

But what a self-centered, insensitive ahole she is acting like, and that is being kind. It hurt HER feelings? Are you effing kidding me?? YOUR feelings are paramount here, NOT hers, and if she truly was a a good friend, she'd get that. She clearly has no clue how horribly you are suffering and worse isn't interested in understanding that; she is focused on HER, not YOU. That is not a true friend IMO.  A true great friend would say "do whatever you need to do to get through this, and whatever way I can help you I will, just let me know." 

Maybe you should point her to this thread so she sees how you feel and just maybe a clue bird plops a load on her head and the light clicks on. But I wouldn't hold my breath. Good grief. I hate to say this, but if this is her attitude, maybe it's time to find a new (and truer) best friend. I'm not seeing anything "best" in this. But that can be a hard lesson we all learn in times like this: who our REAL friends are. I found frankly that I had very few. 

 

Thank you for your message. I mean I agree that I have been rude. Sometimes I don't respond at all when she tries to contact me. Sometimes when she says something I'll say I don't want to talk right now. Like once she asked me a question and I said I really don't care to talk about this right now;  it wasn't a bad question I just was very tired of conversation. I probably said something along the lines of I don't want to talk about things that don't matter. (I often get really tired of non-essential things). For example if my mom asks me how was work today and I say 'oh Morgan had a baby shower' and she asks me 'who is Morgan' already I'm done w/ that conversation and I don't care to explain who Morgan is or when she got pregnant etc. It seems very inconsequential and unnecessary to explain all that I guess. At the same time I also hate to have conversations that are deep. For example if someone asks me 'how are you holding up' or something like that I definitely don't want to answer that question. 

She said she feels like she's walking on eggshells around me. I understand that it seems like there are a lot of rules with talking to me and it can feel like nothing is the right thing to say. That's probably because there is no right thing to say to me just as there really is no right thing to say to anyone after a death. I'm just not great for conversation right now. I said maybe you should just not talk to me as much and she said her options are either to try to attend to my feelings all the time or not talk to me and she prefers not to not talk to me. 

To be fair, I was feeling like this friend was being very strange. She initiates conversation then cuts it off and just in general speaks in a manner very strange for her. I specifically asked her what was wrong at which point she told me that she feels the friendship is damaged and then said all this stuff about how one day she's going to tell me when she can't take it anymore. I just want to give a more comprehensive view of what is happening so I can make my report less biased towards me. 

[Gail 8588]

14 hours ago, elaerna said:

She did say she would give me time. But after some unknown amount of time she would tell me that either I had to change or our friendship was over. I feel like there is some ticking time bomb over my head. 

If she is not able to let you grieve as you need to, you may need to just let her go.  But I would try to just take a break from her for 4 to 6 months and set a date to get together on Feb 10th, March 15th or some other date. 

At that get together, either she is supportive of you and you renew your relationship, or she is still too demanding and you may want to walk away from the relationship. 

You need people who are supportive of you, not folks causing you further stress. 

This is just a suggestion of one possible way to deal with this person.  You know your situation far better than any of us. Do what feels right to you.

Good luck.

Gail

[elaerna]

1 minute ago, Gail 8588 said:

If she is not able to let you grieve as you need to, you may need to just let her go.  But I would try to just take a break from her for 4 to 6 months and set a date to get together on Feb 10th, March 15th or some other date. 

At that get together, either she is supportive of you and you renew your relationship, or she is still too demanding and you may want to walk away from the relationship. 

You need people who are supportive of you, not folks causing you further stress. 

This is just a suggestion of one possible way to deal with this person.  You know your situation far better than any of us. Do what feels right to you.

Good luck.

Gail

Thank you for your suggestion and input. I used to lean on my person for advice on almost everything. I trusted him wholly and now any time I'm confused I feel pretty lost because I have no one to ask advice from anymore. 

[widower2]

3 hours ago, elaerna said:

She said she feels like she's walking on eggshells around me. I understand that it seems like there are a lot of rules with talking to me and it can feel like nothing is the right thing to say. That's probably because there is no right thing to say to me just as there really is no right thing to say to anyone after a death. 

Bingo. 

 

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I said maybe you should just not talk to me as much and she said her options are either to try to attend to my feelings all the time or not talk to me and she prefers not to not talk to me. 

Sound like a good plan to me. Why does she "have" to attend to your feelings "all the time?"  She's (supposedly) your friend, not your wet nurse. I'd say something like hey Einstein, wrong...here's a third option: realize that you are going through hell on Earth and let you deal with it however you need to. If you don't want to talk...to leave you alone. If you want to be left alone...DO IT.  If you do want to talk or get together, be there.  This isn't rocket science. 

 

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To be fair, I was feeling like this friend was being very strange. She initiates conversation then cuts it off and just in general speaks in a manner very strange for her. I specifically asked her what was wrong at which point she told me that she feels the friendship is damaged

No, it's her brain that's damaged because she can't seem to remember what you're going through. Again I think she is focused at least as much on her as you. Maybe you should just say that you're dealing with this as best you can and however I need to, it's not something she can "fix," and ask her to simply respect that and give you whatever room you need to do so, and IF you want to talk, you'll let her know. If she can't accept that, IMO she isn't much of a friend.

 

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and then said all this stuff about how one day she's going to tell me when she can't take it anymore. I just want to give a more comprehensive view of what is happening so I can make my report less biased towards me. 

When SHE can't take it any more??  What about what YOU are taking?? People's stupidity just amazes me sometimes. Frankly she sounds like a child, and a spoiled, grossly insensitive one.

Based on what I can tell, if that were me, I would have probably told her where to get off with her idea of what "friendship" is and would no longer be friends with this...person. But that's me and not a suggestion to you per se, but it unfortunately might be worth considering. I did experience some similar severe thoughtlessness from others myself and I ended those "friendships" quickly. You find out what true friends are about in times like this. Unfortunately, it isn't always what we hope. I wish you luck

 

 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, elaerna said:

Sometimes I don't respond at all when she tries to contact me.

Hello.  I agree that your friend is thinking too much of her needs and not enough about yours.  And yes, I also agree that distance is likely what you need right now.  I personally don't give a hoot about what your friend thinks she needs from you!

I'll let you in on a little secret.  Even a bit more than 2 years after my wonderful husband died, I still have days when the phone will ring and I'll think, "Let it ring.  I'm not up to talking with anyone right now.  They can leave a message."  It's simply too much to muster up the effort or desire to talk to anyone, even the people I love, sometimes.

[KayC]

On 9/29/2020 at 2:51 PM, elaerna said:

Sometimes I wonder if I should just cut off all my relationships.

I wouldn't totally cut them out of your life but maybe a little space if they can't respect your wishes.  When you explain to someone that you "can't talk" right now, they should respect your wishes, explain that everyone grieves differently and this is your way.  If she absolutely refuses to respect your wishes, it might be something to reconsider or revisit.

 

[elaerna]

Update. For the last 4 days she texted me every 12 hours. It began with like 'how is this' 'how is that.' Which I am pretty sure I have said I don't like because it makes me think about how things are going which is ... not well. (I feel like she's also disrespected other requests I've had like asking her not to say 'i love you' or sending heart emojis). I didn't know what to say because I don't want to think about how this or that is going. And I didn't want to explain this to her again, just thinking about it drained me so I didn't respond. 

But then she kept doing it (texting me). And then eventually she started saying 'are you ignoring me'? And then sort of passive aggressive like 'i don't know how to respond to this.' 'i guess i'll just be here waiting for you to respond.' 'i can't believe you're giving me the silent treatment.' 'I know you don't care but this is another level' I have been on the other side of this; I know it's frustrating when people don't respond. I know that she can't understand what it's like because she has not gone through this before. But I feel like I've explained it to her. 

Again, I don't even know what to say to these things. Even if I said I don't know what to say that would spark some sort of angry/hurt conversation and I don't want to have conversation right now. I don't want to think about emotions. I feel like I have said this! I feel like her texting me every 12 hours even without response is some sort of test like she's forcing the issue of whether I'll meet the standard of being good enough to stay her friend or something. 

I don't know if I have a question. I realize that what i'm doing is inconsiderate, but it's honestly hard for me to dwell on that much. I am trying very hard not to think about emotions in general. Does anyone else feel like this? I watch movies and read books so that I get immersed in that fictional story so I'm thinking about that and not ... real life. About constantly wanting to talk to someone who doesn't exist anymore. About having dreams where he is alive and waking up to find that he's still dead. I don't want to think about those things and I feel like she's constantly making me. 

I feel very drained. Thank you for listening. 

[foreverhis]

Oh brother.  IMO, you've taken more than enough from her.  I don't recommend you ghost her until you send her a text telling her you are tired of explaining your needs, she refuses to respect you and your requests, you are tired of being insulted, and you do not want to hear from her.  Then tell her you will not be responding to her texts or contacts, at least for the time being.  Then if she continues to text or call or whatever, do not read or listen, do not respond, and frankly, you may be wise to delete her from your current contacts.

There's no nice way to say this:  She is not your best friend.  She doesn't respect you; she expects your life to revolve around her "needs"; and she refuses to listen.  Enough is enough.

As always, just my feeling on the situation.

[elaerna]

I guess I am wary to say anything because invariably she will reply to whatever I say. And I don't want to read that. I don't want to read any more 'I'm trying very hard to be respectful and you are hurting me' comments. 

[Gail 8588]

Elaerna,

I think your 'friend' is totally out of line.  Whether she is well-intentioned or just needy I don't know. But you have every right to not engage with her. You have enough to deal with and you don't need the added stress of trying to meet her needs. 

I don't know much about phones, but I think you can text her to say you need to take a break from her for awhile and that you are going to block her number from your phone for a few months. If you want to you could say you will contact her after New Year's.  Then block her number so you don't get any messages from her. 

Good luck to you.  I am so sorry you are having to deal with this problem. 

Gail

 

[elaerna]

Hello all I took your advice and explained again how I felt and then blocked the number so I wouldn't have to argue anymore. I feel a lot better already not having to worry about what she'll say back. Thank you. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, elaerna said:

I realize that what i'm doing is inconsiderate, but it's honestly hard for me to dwell on that much

I can so relate!  I had a "friend" of 45 years.  When my companion, Arlie (soulmate in a dog) was diagnosed with cancer June 7 2019, it devastated me.  It was bad enough I lost my sweet husband in 2005, but now to lose my dog when I'd just had his checkup two weeks before & it was "fine" and took him in for routine teeth cleaning and I get this prognosis?!  I was shocked and very emotionally fragile.  My "friend" told me I should take him two hours away to a vet he knew for weekly vitamin shots.  I knew it wouldn't do anything as his cancer was spread, inoperable, and his liver shut down.  No vitamin is going to help that.  We had that discussion, enough!!  I talked to him on the following Monday, I was barely holding it together.  He suddenly DEMANDED I answer to him what I was "going to do about Arlie!!!"  He raised his voice to me.  I said, "I'm not having this discussion again." and hung up.  He didn't speak to me for over a year.  He told my BIL all he did was "ask about Arlie."  No, he didn't ask about him, he demanded I answer to him, there's a big difference.  He didn't mention he raised his voice to me.  I did not need his toxicity as I was going through the hardest thing I've been through in my life since losing my husband, George.  Arlie passed away 8/16/19.  Fast forward to 1 1/2 weeks ago.  My BIL passed from cancer unexpectedly, suddenly, him and my sister had been married 50 years, I'm close to them, they live in my town.  My sister is disabled and doesn't drive, he took complete care of her.  It has been hard to absorb, I am now her new caregiver/driver.  I decided to take the high road and let this former "friend" know of my BIL's passing, so I called and left a message (he wouldn't answer the phone).  His response?  To blow up my email with hateful hateful emails!  I finally had to block him.  I must have gotten maybe eight of them!  

This "friend" is gone from me forever.  It needn't have been that way but for his inability to put himself in someone else's shoes, his lack of responsibility for his own actions, and his over the top thinking he knows everything best for me.  {BTW, the person who came up with the vitamin shot idea was a Pulitzer prize winner that had dementia, nothing has been proven effective in the method...and it CERTAINLY does not reverse cancer or it's effects, nor does it restore liver function!}

Sometimes we have to do what we deem best for ourselves.  You have put up with a lot.  Please don't be hard on yourself for doing what is best for YOU!  We have to in our early grief!  (Early grief, by the way, can connote to the first couple of years...not mere days.)

I'm sorry for this person's insensitivity.  They're making it all about them, it's not, it's about YOU.  

[Jttalways]

I am glad you cut her off. Sounds like she didnt get the hint and was very self centered. I had to cut off 2 coworkers a few months ago. 1 is also very self centered and also extremely sensitive. 1 day she didnt come to work because she had been exposed to covid. She did not want anyone talking about it or asking her about it or else she would go to HR. No one spoke about it and she ended up testing negative. The way she acted was like everyone heard she got an STD or something. When she came back to work she had a huge chip on her shoulder and said everyone was treating her like she had leprosy, which was completely untrue. At that point I decided I had had my fair share of her. The other employee is nosey and an instigator so I cut him off at the same time. Unfortunately I have to work with them so we still have to communicate about work. But I am cordial and thats it. I am not going to be friends with them like I used to. My husband's death taught me life is too short to deal with a-holes that bring no joy or happiness in your life.

[KayC]

53 minutes ago, Jttalways said:

My husband's death taught me life is too short to deal with a-holes that bring no joy or happiness in your life.

Amen to that!

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Jttalways said:

My husband's death taught me life is too short to deal with a-holes that bring no joy or happiness in your life.

Yes indeed!  In a way, it's too bad it takes losing the loves of our lives for many or maybe most of us to really see that.  My husband figured it out early in his adult life, but I really didn't fully get it, didn't completely understand why he was pickier about friends and relationships than I was, until I was in my early 50s.  There had been times over the decades that I felt he was overly sensitive to perceived slights or negativity.  I thought maybe he simply wasn't willing to "put in the effort" to maintain certain friendships, when I was willing to go the extra mile.  I was wrong. 

He knew in his heart of hearts that life throws enough challenges and hardship at us without us allowing other people to pile on more.  As we both developed long-term, but not life-threatening health conditions, our group of friends got smaller.  Some simply couldn't handle the fact that we were no longer able to be the way we'd been or what they expected.  "Fair weather" indeed.  The ones who remained are the small, tight, loving circle we/I have to this day.  We have been there for each other through joy and fun, challenges and loss, and everything in between for more than 30 years now.  We would and have literally dropped everything to be there for each other.  They are grieving his loss and it's been hard for them, but they also know that it is my heart and life that shattered.  So they are there for me in whatever way I need them and they put my needs first when it comes to the fact that we've all lost someone we love.

From my mid 20s (around the time we married I guess), I started realizing that there were people in my life who had become toxic to me emotionally.  During our first few years together, I lost a number of people I had thought were good friends because they wouldn't accept that I was no longer the single "me" and had become first and foremost an "us."  I wouldn't put them ahead of my love, ever.  They said I had changed (well, duh!), wasn't there for them, and blah, blah, blah.  We basically drifted apart and that was fine with me.  Many years later, I ran into the then ex-husband of one of my previous friends.  He had been a friend as well.  We chatted and I casually mentioned that I was sorry we had lost touch.  He said, "I can tell you why and how you were wrong."  I told him "No, thanks.  It doesn't matter to me."  Even then, he seemed kind of insulted that I didn't want to be "scolded" about it.  Jerk.

But even after that, I was more willing to give "friends" the benefit of the doubt, while my husband was more likely to say, "That's enough."  I have to admit that he had it right all along.  Now I only have room in my life for people who bring something positive to it and I make sure, as much as I am able, to bring light into their lives as well.

[Jttalways]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

He said, "I can tell you why and how you were wrong."  I told him "No, thanks.  It doesn't matter to me."  Even then, he seemed kind of insulted that I didn't want to be "scolded" about it.  Jerk.

Sounds familiar. After I cut off the nosey and instigating coworker, he asked me why I wasnt speaking to him anymore. I told him he was an instigator that would stir up unecessary drama and create problems. He responded by trying to tell me what I do wrong. I cut him off saying "hey, you asked me what my problem was with you. I didnt ask you what your problem is with me." 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, Jttalways said:

I cut him off saying "hey, you asked me what my problem was with you. I didnt ask you what your problem is with me." 

Brilliant!  That's just so perfect.  Good for you.

[widower2]

On 10/4/2020 at 1:30 PM, elaerna said:

I realize that what i'm doing is inconsiderate

Far from it. The inconsiderate one here is your "friend." It may have been hard but I'm glad you cut her off. It may not be intentional on her part and she may mean well, and she may not realize this herself, but there's nothing that frosts me more than someone acting rudely or obnoxiously or stupidly and thinking it's OK because "they mean well." I'm sure she sees herself as so wonderful and how can you be so (whatever, insert negative words here).  gag. 

Great posts here all around folks, btw. esp props for Jttalways remark:  "life is too short to deal with a-holes that bring no joy or happiness in your life." I second that amen. Pretty much all of our "friends" showed their true colors when I lost my love. Gee thanks just what I needed, salt in the wound. So sorry you experienced similar.