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Dark Places


Yoli

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So today and Friday I told two different workmates who I consider to be friends that I go to some really dark places - I think we all know what I mean by that. I just wanted them to know that I am not ok even though I keep turning up day after day. I said to one a while back 'out of site, out of mind', she assured me that was not true but it seems it is. I know I am not their responsibility but it took a lot for me to confide my darkness. I guess my issue is having told them this, still no one sends a simple text at night. I can't.help but think of them at home at night with their husbands and family as I sit here alone staring at an empty seat.

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Yoli,

I am so sorry you are not getting the support you need.  People who have not experienced this type of loss just have no clue what you are going through.  If you can find a support group for widow/widowers or a grief counselor that may help.  

The isolation due to Covid-19 is making our grief jounery even more difficult. It would help so much if life around us was more normal.

Here in the US we are not addressing Covid very well, as can be seen by our 200,000 deaths, but prudent or not, (and I think not) some college football teams are playing football. As weird as the season is with few or no fans in the stadiums and many teams not playing, it has been hugely  comforting to me to have the TV on Saturday broadcasting college football. I have the games on all day and night on Saturday even if I'm not watching, because it fills the house with the sounds that were here when John was alive. It is a tiny bit of the old normal, and it helps.

I don't know how things are going in New Zealand, but I hope you can find something that can help ease your mind for awhile.

Post here anytime. We understand your dispair. We are living it too.

Hugs.

Gail

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Gail,

Aside from our borders being closed to non residents/citizens life is pretty much normal. We are at the lowest alert level. I think in total we have less than 100 Covid cases nation wide. The majority in managed isolation - returning residents from overseas. Given this it kind of makes it worse knowing people can drop by but don't. I am growing tired if reaching out. I was watching a video on Youtube where a woman (widow) stated Don't Make the Griever Do the Work, so true. However, I know it will only be grieving people actually watching the video. I can't think of anyone, aside from my boss who has actively searched out how to support people like us. He actually found this site for me.

On another note of this rant, on Friday and yesterday, I had to sit at my desk and listen to two people spouting on about just how happy they are. I just started blankly at my computer screen.

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Yoli,

I am glad to hear New Zealand has handled Covid-19 so well.  That gives you more options to do things outside your home.

I don't know much about New Zealand other than what my son observed when he did a semester at the University of Otago in 2009. He was struck by the incredible beauty of your country. My son is a friendly person, very athletic, and large (6' 5"). He was invited to join a rugby team while he was there.  In one of his first matches, the referee kept citing him for a violation when they were in a big scrum.  After about the third time play was whistled stopped, he shouted out "if somebody will just tell me what the rule is that I'm breaking, I'll stop doing it."  He was playing rugby without knowing what any of the rules were. Anyway, he had great fun playing rugby for several months and made some good friends that he has kept in touch with over the years. He thinks of New Zealanders as very kind and welcoming.

I understand that right now, in your grief, there is no beauty to be seen. But you are very early in this process. Give yourself time to grieve and eventually you will see beauty around you again.  Unfortunately, people who have not  experienced this type of loss don't have a clue about what you are going through.  Your boss is unusual for actually trying to understand.

Sometimes on my grief journey I have wanted to shout out "tell me what the rules are in this new unfamiliar world".  But there is no one who can tell us the new rules.  We just have to keep trying and slowly we will figure out what works and what doesn't.

Hang in there.

Gail

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Thanks Gail. We are all in unchartered waters.

My boss is indeed one in a million. And yes you are right people who have not gone through this have absolutely no idea. Wouldn't it be so much simpler if there was a set of rules....

I can just imagine a very tall American trying to play rugby with no idea of the rules. He may have been set up by his teammates.

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On 9/29/2020 at 1:33 AM, KayC said:

I find I have to tell people what I need from them. 

So I tried this yesterday as I was leaving work. My words were 'Can you please message me at night time. I still need this.' The answer Yes, Of Course.

Guess what......nothing!!!!

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Oh no!  I’m so sorry Yoli!  This is absolutely horrible.  I really don’t understand how people cannot reach out when asking is obviously such a difficult thing to do!  I am fortunate to live in a neighborhood with other widows who understand.  I still prefer to keep to myself tho.  
 

In the beginning I found myself on the forum at night when I was the least distracted and the most sad.

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Thanks SSC, yes it is hard to reach out especially since I worked so bloody hard at it from the start, I am running out of steam in that department.

On the other hand I have just had another new friend reach out because she had a feeling she needed to contact me.

I wish we had a nice closeknit neighbourhood but no one talks to anyone. Our closest neighbours (duplex) cannot speak more than one or two words of English and have closed their blinds since my partner passed like they want to block me out.

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5 hours ago, Yoli said:

So I tried this yesterday as I was leaving work. My words were 'Can you please message me at night time. I still need this.' The answer Yes, Of Course.

Guess what......nothing!!!!

I am so sorry.  Some people truly amaze me.  :(  I pray you find some better, caring friends.  I lost each and every friend when George died but gained a great one, unfortunately she moved away a few years ago.  But I was truly grateful for her in my life.

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