Loss of a Partner, Companion, & Best Friend

[Knvsmom]

My story is the same as so many on here. Every loss cuts deep and this is my heartbreak. Me & my partner have been together almost 20 years. We both came from broken relationships, which meant we brought baggage with us, we had our ups and downs, but we stuck it out. Shawn was my support system. We both became truck drivers & it used to make our bosses crazy, because we would have our Bluetooth headsets on and 9 times out of 10, we would be in each other's ear. Whether it was a bad day, traffic was being a pain, or help was needed with directions, we always had each other's backs. We even drove Teams for 2 years which means we were stuck in a truck together almost 24/7. We did it without killing each other obviously. Fast forward a few years after coming off the road because of Shawn's ongoing health problems, and he went into the hospital early September with complications from his diabetes. He was also diagnosed with other health problems on top of what he already had, but when you have no insurance, money, Medicaid, or draw disability, you don't get top of the line care. He was put into a poor man's Rehab Center where he got less than efficient care. Thanks to Covid, I had no way to go see him or check on his condition in person. I got the call early this morning that he was found unresponsive & to hurry up and get there. The EMT's never did get his heart rhythm back. He didn't want to be kept alive with machines so he was gone by the time I arrived. To say I am devastated is an understatement! I look around and he is everywhere in our home. I know some people find comfort in that. Me, I just feel the heartbreaking loss, knowing I'm never going to see him again, never feel his arms around me & I will never again be able to pick up my phone no matter the time and hear his voice. I feel physically sick when I try to eat & I just don't know how to cope with the loss of Shawn? Just a little less than 30 years ago, I buried my daughter's Dad when they were just babies. I don't know what I've done to deserve losing someone I love twice in one lifetime? I just don't know what to think or feel right now?

[Gail 8588]

Knvsmom,

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so unfair and heartbreaking. 

Right now the challenge is to get through each day.  Accept help if it is offered by family or friends, as it is so hard to think and make decisions when grief is so raw. 

I hope you will find some comfort on this site. All of us are on this difficult journey of rebuilding our lives after losing our soulmates.  I am so sorry you have joined us.

For now, just focus on getting through one day at a time, sometimes just one hour at a time.  Come here to vent, rage, question or just read. You are not alone. Sometimes just knowing that helps a little.

Gail

[Who am I now]

I am so, so sorry for your loss.  I lost my spouse in June.

Gail's response  has explained it well through her understanding and personal experience.    

You have reached out, this is the first step.  You have reached out to people who have been through the heartbreak of a partner's passing. 

We are all reaching out to understand how to get through the emotions that we never thought we ever had, nor could possibly explain.  All of those emotions revealing themselves at once.  I have tried to deal with more than I could for the past three months.  I am depleted.  I have found that living in the present is the only way I can deal with it for now.  Getting through the day and dealing with things little by little.

Reach out to others.  Let them help you through this.

[KayC]

Welcome here, where others get it.  I am so sorry for your loss, very unfair all the way around, esp. having lost one partner to death already.  I, too, live in the present, taking one day at a time, it helps.  I want to leave you with an article I wrote of what I've found helpful, even through you've already been through it, each loss is unique.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today. 

1 hour ago, Who am I now said:

I am so, so sorry for your loss.  I lost my spouse in June.

Gail's response  has explained it well through her understanding and personal experience.    

You have reached out, this is the first step.  You have reached out to people who have been through the heartbreak of a partner's passing. 

We are all reaching out to understand how to get through the emotions that we never thought we ever had, nor could possibly explain.  All of those emotions revealing themselves at once.  I have tried to deal with more than I could for the past three months.  I am depleted.  I have found that living in the present is the only way I can deal with it for now.  Getting through the day and dealing with things little by little.

Reach out to others.  Let them help you through this.

I am sorry for your loss as well and also want to welcome you here.  Perhaps you can start a thread sometime when you're ready and share your story.

[Missy1]

It is indeed so painful, I agree it makes one wonder why has my life become this? Instead of living our lives with hope and happiness we go deep into our minds and go over detail what brought us here. None of it makes sense, Living in the present does help I agree, but it’s does not seem sustainable. I can’t imagine going thru this twice in your life. I hope you have a couple of caring friends or family in your life, you are going through very complicated grief.