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BBB

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At the risk of sounding like a horrible father and I am putting myself out there and risking that thought, I want to ask if you celebrated holidays with family the same year your spouse passed away? Here's the thing, one son lives out of state, one son lives in state, the other is 20 but still lives at home. This will be the first year I will have to plod through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Currently I do not want to celebrate either holiday with anyone. Does that make me a horrible Dad?
 

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No, I think you can do whatever you feel you want to do.

I too know this holiday season will be dreadful so I rented a beach house for me and the kids to get away and bring in the New Year away from it all.  It remains to be seen if this will help or hurt us.  Even without losing a spouse, over time, family traditions change for many reasons.  I'm just going to have to start a new, but remember the old.

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 My kids were both home at Christmas the first year he was gone, I didn't feel like putting a tree up, decorating, etc, but my son went out and cut one down and my daughter asked me to help her decorate it, my heart wasn't in it, but I started a tradition that year, I hung George's stocking and we put notes in it to him.  I also bought him a new ornament, just as I always did.

I think you need to handle it however you can best tolerate it.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/getting-through-the-holidays-when-you-are-newly-bereaved_us_582c7767e4b0466f4579334f?

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I honestly can't remember what we did for Thanksgiving that first year. 

For the 14 previous years John and I had hosted a big Thanksgiving gathering at our home. But I sold that house in October and had just moved into a rental house that was half the size of our beach house. I had boxes to the ceiling in many rooms.  So I know I didn't host Thanksgiving there, not even for my 2 boys. We may have gone to my mother-in-laws, but I have no memory of it.

Christmas is also a blur.  I went to my younger son's house, as he was married.  His brother came down from Atlanta and the 4 of us had Christmas together but it wasn't a celebration. 

The first year I just moved through the holidays like a zombie. 

I think I just gave the boys some money and didn't even try to shop for a Christmas present.  It was a sad time for all of us. 

If my boys had been young children, I may have been able to muster up the strength to be festive, but since they were adults, I didn't even try. 

I am sure your boys will understand why there is not much holiday cheer this year. Eat pizza for Thanksgiving or go out to eat. Whatever you do will be fine.  You get a pass on the holidays this year. 

Gail

 

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You have to do what feels right.  I lost my wife about two years ago and the first holidays were harder than I thought they would be, it didn't help that she died shortly after the new year.  I tried to keep things as normal as possible, for my son who turned 8 shortly after my wife passed.I have never been big on the holidays and only decorated because my wife loved the lights and tree.  If it weren't for my son I don't think I would celebrate at all.  I would buy gifts, but would probably volunteer to take one of the Christmas and Thanksgiving shifts at work.  I will say that life has a way of giving us the things we need if you keep faith.  I love and miss my wife, but I am starting to find joy once again.  I am grateful for almost 23 years I had with my wife.  She made me a better man and a better husband.  All I did was made her a bit crazy.  I hope you can find some peace.

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@NDH  Welcome here.  I love how you accentuate the positive, what you have shared with her and that you are finding joy again.  I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years and in it, I also allude to looking for joy.  I started practicing that on day 11 when I ran into a refrigerator magnet I felt God put in my path...it's been a life changer for me.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Find joy in every day.jpg

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On 9/25/2020 at 8:04 AM, BBB said:

Does that make me a horrible Dad?

No, not in my opinion.  If your children were young, then I'd say it would be better to make the holidays a remembrance and kind of bring your wife/their mother into new, small traditions.  But your sons are adults and no doubt have their own lives.  I think you are entitled to get through the holidays however you can.  If that means being alone, so be it.  Right now, you're in survival mode.  It's literally a time where it is all about you, your needs, and whatever it takes for you to keep breathing and keep getting up in the morning.

I suggest you tell your sons now.  Explain it to them clearly, making sure they understand it is not about your love for them, but rather that you realize this is what you need to do this year.  Perhaps suggest getting together after the new year so all of you aren't reminded every minute that, "This is the way we used to do it." or "She would have loved this." etc.  If one or more of them aren't happy or they try to "guilt" you about it, you might want to calmly reply that you've made up your mind and expect them to respect your needs and wishes.

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