Lost my girlfriend

[AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20]

So it has been a little over 3 months ago that I lost my girlfriend. She was killed by a hit and run driver.. I am beyond devastated... my friend and i saw her and I getting married and the love that her and I shared was just 100% unconditional. She taught me a lot and I became a better man because of her.. I will continue to cherish the memories I have and will never forget.. I don’t know if I will ever be able to love the way I loved her.. it’s going to take a very very long time for me to heal... is there anyone out there that has had lost their partner?? I miss her so much

[widower2]

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. There aren't words good enough. Feel free to vent here in any way you think might help. I hope some of the other posts and threads here will too.

I can safely say you won't ever be able to love the same way you loved her.. but that doesn't mean you'll never love again. But now is not the time to even worry about that. Now is the time to mourn her loss and give yourself time to regroup. And yes it’s going to take time, but it varies for everyone, so try not to put any specific timelines on yourself (or let anyone else dare to do something so stupid to you!). 

I created a site with some things which might help to keep in mind, FWIW, here: https://griefhelp.webs.com/grieving

Kay, a member here, has a great list with similar things, but she is dealing with some heavy things herself right now and may not be along for awhile...but you can find it if you browse some other threads. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, it's horrible.  Yes, we've all suffered loss of our partner here, and with it all of our hopes and dreams for our future.  You both look so young, it just feels a crying shame, yet I want to encourage you that you will make your way through this, and although you'll never stop loving her the pain lessens eventually as we begin processing our grief. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html
 This is the article referred to, I hope something in it is of help to you today, maybe something else later on.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Perro J]

You're actually a little ways ahead of me on the road - it's about two and a half months since I lost my love. It is devastating. There really aren't any words I can offer that will make the hurt go away. I wish there were. I'd surely offer them to you. She looks like a lovely young woman and there is no justice nor fairness in her being taken so young. I am sorry.

[AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20]

Thank you so much!! I see I am not alone.. I am sooo sorry for each of your losses as well.. I am living one day at a time here and some days are ok some days are extremely hard where I just can’t get out of bed.. but I find a way too. I am really thankful I have a lot of support and have here to get through this.. I am also battling alcohol addiction which I have 5 months sober... so yeah I am going to keep venting on here and keep my mind busy and follow some of the above links that were shared. Thank you again!

[KayC]

Congrats on the alcohol recovery!  I'm glad you'll keep coming here, there's some good people here that get it.

 

[Lars M]

AJK, Brother i feel your pain I lost my wife 3 months ago we were married for 30 years and she was my world. It is just not fair to lose such a young person. I am so proud of you on you recovery I hope you are in a 12 step program if so keep hitting meetings it will help you. Prayers my friend. 

[AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20]

Yup.. I have a solid 12 step program.. I hit meetings daily as well as talk to my sponsor daily.... I am so sorry for your loss.. I know her and I weren’t married but it sure did feel like it....

[Lars M]

AJK:

How are you holding up. For some reason I felt like reaching out and make sure you were as good as possible. glad to see you are working the program and talking to your sponsor it is so important right now as you already know. keep the faith brother. 

[KayC]

On 9/27/2020 at 6:03 PM, AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20 said:

I know her and I weren’t married but it sure did feel like it....

It's not the piece of paper that creates the bond, but within our hearts and you will always have that.

[AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20]

So yesterday marked 4 months since Aly passed and it’s been a difficult 2 days.. a lot of ups and downs... but the more I talk about it rather than hide it tends to help.. coming up on 6months sober and I know she is here with me rooting for me.. and I really believe she is my higher power because some way in my fantasy league I won second place but was given the 1st place winnings.. so now in memory of her I can get my lion tattoo that I have been looking into getting. It’s going to be beautiful.. wow I am feeling a bit better. Thanks for letting me share!

[KayC]

I have a tattoo too with George's name & our symbol...someplace no one ever sees, but it's a symbol to me of what we shared.

[Lars M]

I heard of taking the ashes and mixing with ink and then doing a tatoo

[AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20]

 

[Gail 8588]

A really lovely memorial.

[KayC]

I cried my way through this, beautifully done.  She is indeed beautiful, inside and out, and so are you.  I'm glad you had each other although I know that means all the more pain now. 

 

[foreverhis]

On 9/27/2020 at 6:03 PM, AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20 said:

Yup.. I have a solid 12 step program.. I hit meetings daily as well as talk to my sponsor daily.... I am so sorry for your loss.. I know her and I weren’t married but it sure did feel like it....

Hello.  I too am so sorry you find yourself here with us.  You are so young and it is so unfair, especially because her death was caused by another person's reckless disregard and callousness.  Your Aly is absolutely lovely.

Good for you for realizing that right now you need to go to meetings often and talk to your sponsor.  I am loathe to ever say, "She (or he, as the case may be) would want you to fill-in-the-blank."  But I kind of think it's safe to say that Aly would not want her death to set you back in your sobriety.

About the fact the you weren't married.  That does not matter to us.  A piece of paper, a ceremony, and a party are wonderful and my heart hurts for both of you that you did not get to have those things.  Still, they are not what make a partnership of soulmates.  In a very real way, you and Aly were bonded permanently.  Do not think or let anyone tell you that your loss is somehow "less than."  It isn't.

Right now is the time to simply let yourself grieve.  Get through each day however you can.  Do not let anyone tell you how you should feel or what you should do.  Your grief journey will be yours alone, though we walk on the same road with you.  Do not think you must rush or give yourself any sort of time line.  Do expect that each day will be a challenge, likely for quite some time.

Keep going to meetings and talking to your sponsor.  Come here as often as you want to talk, to question, to rant, and even to "scream" if you need it.  We are here.  We get it in ways no one else can.  We will listen, comfort as we can, and give advice when asked.

[AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20]

Thank you so much. I will be here often... this site really has been helpful to me.. meetings and sponsor will continue.. I’ll be back to check I’m soon!

[AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20]

So this past Friday I celebrated 6 months sober and I was like **** Aly isn’t here to celebrate with me but I all throughout the day I received signs she was with me which was a great feeling.. I made some calls these past few days to psychiatrists around me to talk about things and get on some form of medication to help me with my moods.. I am slowly turning around but boy do I fucking miss her. I know Aly and Treebird our cat that passes are smiling and so proud of me along with all of my friends and family especially my mom Robyn Beth and Angela. If it weren’t for those 4 along with my dad I don’t know where I’d be.. I love them to death..thanks for letting me share. pictures to come. I decked out my bike... Stay tuned!!!! Goodnight! 

[KayC]

She would be so proud of you though!  I'm glad you felt her with you.  Congratulations!!!  I have a friend who is leading Celebrate Recovery, she's had a long road there, I applaud people for making it through this.  Another friend in recovery, another leading AA here.  

[Gail 8588]

AJK,

Congratulations.  I am so glad you have the support of family and that you feel Aly's support as well.  You know she is proud of you. 

One day at a time.  You are making progress. 

Gail

[foreverhis]

This will sound either trite or cliche, but I believe that she would be so proud of you for staying the course, staying sober, for both your sake and hers. 

Congratulations and keep up the strong work.

[AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20]

Thanks! I know she’s proud of me and with me always.. it’s a wonderful feeling. Aly also said 2 days before she passed to me “hey, just remember I love you and I am very proud of you and the work you are putting into your recovery!” 

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20 said:

Thanks! I know she’s proud of me and with me always.. it’s a wonderful feeling. Aly also said 2 days before she passed to me “hey, just remember I love you and I am very proud of you and the work you are putting into your recovery!” 

She was a wise woman who loved you with all her heart and still does, that much is very clear.  That she is still there for you is also true, at least I believe it.

What she said to you is also a reminder to us all to never leave unsaid words of love, encouragement, and hope.  Aside from second-guessing myself about every damn thing related to my husband's cancer care and treatment, my regret is that I didn't speak my love and pride more.  I know my love knew my heart, even when I was being my very imperfect self.  And by our actions to each other we showed our love every day.  Whether it was making me a cup of tea, bringing me some little kitchen goodie, or rubbing my shoulders, my husband put thought and care into his love.  I don't think I told him often enough how much I appreciated that.  I wonder if it's possible to ever say, "I love you" too many times when it's to our soulmate?  I don't think it is.

[Selma0409]

@AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20 Hi, I lost my boyfriend too, he passed away 1 year and 1 month ago from a heart attack, he was only 22 and It all happened at my house, just in front of me. The trauma I suffer everyday is something I was never prepared for.

I am glad you are sober and I know your girlfriend is looking at you proud that even after all the pain you have been through, you are still going strong with your recovery process. 

I don't know how old was Alysa but I am guessing she was young. I feel like very few people talk about losing your partner at a young age, It is the absolutely worst thing that has ever and will ever happen to me and it is something no one is prepared for. Every loss is different but I can say I understand your pain and I admire you for sharing your story because It took a lot of time for me to share mine. 

I just want to say that every emotion is acceptable, anger, sadness, anxiety, everything. At the end of the day, you lost the person that you thought was going to be with you forever and that is something heartbreaking. What I can say is that I absolutely recommend you going to therapy, I went since it happened and It helped me a lot, you let all out and start seeing it all from a different light.

You are not alone, please don't stop sharing your story and seek ways to help the process. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I wonder if it's possible to ever say, "I love you" too many times when it's to our soulmate?  I don't think it is.

We constantly expressed our love to each other in everything we said and did so I have no regrets other than ones I couldn't help, such as I was away the weekend he died, wouldn't you know, we were only apart once a year!  I also wish I knew then what I know now about Diabetes, maybe he'd still be here, but I don't beat myself up over it, I did everything the doctors, diabetic classes said, they did not help.  We can thank our corrupt government and medical advice, big pharma for not giving us the truth...they want us on Rxs.  Nothing in it for them if we reverse it!

10 hours ago, Selma0409 said:

I just want to say that every emotion is acceptable, anger, sadness, anxiety, everything.

For sure!  You shared some sound advice...

[AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20]

On the last night I saw her.... I am just so grateful I was able to say goodbye as well as an “I love you”.. I don’t think you can ever say it enough to be honest....

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20 said:

I don’t think you can ever say it enough to be honest...

I agree.  Both my husband and I showed our love for each other every day in our actions, but after decades together sometimes we forgot to say those "Three Little Words" (it's a song title) as often as we should have.  The very last things I said to him were "I'm sorry." and "I love you." (for the millionth time).  I don't even know 100% if he heard that last time because he had faded so much by then, but the doctors told me that hearing is the last sense we lose, so he probably did.  It matters to me that I said them.

[AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20]

So it’s been quite a while since I have posted here so I figured I would share on things a little bit.... it’s been 10 months about since Aly has passed and hasn’t really gotten easier.. i know all In time it will... at the end of April I will be getting a tattoo in memory of her which I have attached the draft of what it will look like... there will be adjustments to it and I will share when the time comes.. on April 23rd I will with the grace of god celebrate one year of continuous sobriety... I know for a fact she is keeping an eye out for me and watching over me at all times... her presence is felt quite often which is just so beautiful... I have found a therapist and am on a medication that helps with my moods/depression.... so things are definitely starting to fall into place... I will be back in the very near future with updates.. thanks for letting me share. Peace love and light 

[KayC]

That is beautiful!!  How very special.  I have been unable to access the picture I saved of mine because I lost Printshop when my old computer died.   It had our a big heart and little heart inside of it with wings and eternity symbol underneath and George's signature under/to the right.

 

[Gail 8588]

AJK,

I know what you mean when you say it hasn't gotten easier in 10 months. It is so hard finding a way back to the world when the one person who made life fit together is missing.  Nothing in life feels right.  Going to the grocery store feels off because you aren't buying the things your partner loved.  Going for a walk is so lonely without your one next to you. Not hearing how their day was, having no one to share a story with.  Everything is just out of kilter because they are not here.  

About one year your heart and mind begin really internalizing that they are never going to be here.  It is so hard. 

But you are really hanging in there and I am sure Aly is so proud of you.  Your memory tribute to her is beautiful.  You will carry her spirit and love with you forever. Maintaining your sobriety this past year is huge!  I am so glad you have friends and family who support you.  And I am glad you have found a therapist that you can work with to keep your depression in check. 

Thanks for sharing.  It is so good to hear that others are making progress on this hard journey. 

Gail

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20 said:

on April 23rd I will with the grace of god celebrate one year of continuous sobriety... I know for a fact she is keeping an eye out for me and watching over me at all times... her presence is felt quite often which is just so beautiful

That is wonderful.  You should be as proud of yourself as I am certain Aly is of you.  Your tribute tattoo to her is stunning.  What a precious reminder to carry with you always.

[KayC]

I agree, I'm sorry I didn't mention that earlier.  One year of sobriety is HUGE, especially in light of your grief!  I hope you are very proud of yourself, she is!

[AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20]

On 3/23/2021 at 9:37 AM, KayC said:

I agree, I'm sorry I didn't mention that earlier.  One year of sobriety is HUGE, especially in light of your grief!  I hope you are very proud of yourself, she is!

Thank you... I know she is very proud of me... she was there for all my struggles since the day I met her.. she was just amazingly supportive as I was with her struggles.. 

[KayC]

And beautiful profile picture!

[AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20]

Well hello folks... It’s been a bit of time since I’ve been here figured I would write... i am still feeling complete emptiness with her being gone and this Friday marks her 1 year anniversary.... a lot has happened in the past month.. I am still on the wagon and just celebrated 13 months of sobriety... I just earned a promotion after 7 years of extremely hard work that has payed off... and I just got back from a vacation to Phoenix Arizona... most importantly I got my tattoo done that I wanted to get done in her memory.... it’s so beautiful... now I will always have a piece of her on my arm for life.. my company has onsite therapy so I have been taking advantage of that with this being an extremely rough week for me... I will be off on Friday... I know she is proud of me... I get spiritual signs everyday ... June 4th will always be “Aly Day”

[AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20]

Well hello folks... It’s been a bit of time since I’ve been here figured I would write... i am still feeling complete emptiness with her being gone and this Friday marks her 1 year anniversary.... a lot has happened in the past month.. I am still on the wagon and just celebrated 13 months of sobriety... I just earned a promotion after 7 years of extremely hard work that has payed off... and I just got back from a vacation to Phoenix Arizona... most importantly I got my tattoo done that I wanted to get done in her memory.... it’s so beautiful... now I will always have a piece of her on my arm for life.. my company has onsite therapy so I have been taking advantage of that with this being an extremely rough week for me... I will be off on Friday... I know she is proud of me... I get spiritual signs everyday ... June 4th will always be “Aly Day”

[Gail 8588]

AJK,

Congratulations on so many things!!!  Aly is most certainly proud of you.  You have always carried Aly in your heart, now you have a bit of her spirit on your arm too. You can touch her image whenever you need to feel her presence.  

The one year mark is often a hard time as your mind begins to accept the permanence of this new reality. I am glad you have a counselor to talk to. It can really help. 

I know it is still hard to live without her but you are doing lots of work in the right direction. Thirteen months sober is a really big accomplishment, especially in these difficult circumstances. Getting a promotion reflects you have been focused on your work. 

I admire you for all you have accomplished during this most difficult year.

Gail

[foreverhis]

@AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20 So good to hear from you.  Better still to know that you have stuck with your sobriety!  That's not easy, especially as you've been grieving such a painful loss.  I know in my heart that Aly is cheering you on and so proud.

Congratulations too on your promotion.  I have no doubt that you earned it and then some.

Your tribute tattoo is even more lovely than I imagined it would be.  Now she is in your heart and you can see her spirit too.

I know I don't have to say it, but I will anyway:  Please stay strong as you go through the 1 year anniversary of losing your precious Aly.  I'm glad you've been taking advantage of therapy offered through your work.  If you feel yourself wavering (and even if you don't), please come and talk to us.  We are here and we are on your side.

[KayC]

I am so glad to hear what you've done with your time, you are doing your best to create something positive through this and doing a good job!  The tat is beautiful, as is she.  Congrats on the sobriety!  I'm sure she is very proud!

[DM31]

AJK,

I think we all grieve in our own ways but I am right there with you on this one. Getting a tattoo for my husband was cathartic to me. My way of promising a part of myself to him even though he can't be next to me anymore. I'm sure she would love it! It's truly beautiful. I think the best form of expressing grief is through art. Whether it be words or pictures or music. And that's what our tattoos for our loved ones are. They're our expression of love and loss. They're art.  

[AJK ❤️❤️❤️ 06/04/20]

Beautifully worded and that is a beautiful piece of art

[KayC]

That is beautiful.  I had a photo of mine but it was lost to my old computer (it's on my butt) it has two hearts, one inside the other with two wings and George's "signature" in his handwriting underneath with an eternity symbol.  That was how we signed our letters...with the hearts/wings & eternity symbol.  It's not for others to see, it's a statement to him.  Yours is a work of art though.