Only child grieving a complicated father's death

[Tori]

I lost my father going on a year ago on November 14. I'm finding it hard to relate to anyone who has lost their father in the past because we had quite a complicated relationship. You see, I was raised by my father (by choice of my mother who lives out-of-state in the Virgin Islands). My parents divorced when I was about 4 years old and my mother(who I have a great relationship with now) decided it was best I was educated in the States rather than where she lived. Well, that in itself was complicated by the fact that my dad was a firefighter so, his shifts were something like 4 days on at the station and 3 days off. So, that being his career I actually lived with my grandparents(his parents) who conveniently lived right next door. I lived with them until around middle school when he met my stepmom and then, I moved in. As a child living with my grandparents, my dad was my absolute hero. He could do no wrong and was a real superhero in my eyes(as I'm sure it is for many people). He never stopped being my hero for choosing a career where he literally saved lives but, in the years after I moved in with him, I don't think I saw him as that superhero anymore. I noticed his flaws. In a few words, I honestly seemed like a burden to him most of the time. I was made to feel like that and for that reason I stayed to myself in my room as much as I possibly could..all the way up until I moved out right after I graduated high school. Now, maybe you are saying "that's just normal middle school/high school stuff!". I thought that all the way up to the age of 28. But, going into 29, I realized that maybe its more than that. Maybe most people took family vacations. I didn't. I did go to a bunch of theme parks growing up...with my grandparents. I think somewhere between my younger years and middle school is where my dads career choice started to take a toll..or at least that's what I'm telling myself. Most people can talk to their family about anything...we didn't hardly talk at all. I had a cell phone but those daily checkins and concerned phone calls when I didn't come home on time? Nonexistent. I did get called out for coming home late, however. You see, I had a long...and I mean LONG...list of chores. The deal was I had to get those done and I could pretty much do whatever I wanted. Sweet, right? Well, I thought so at the time but, looking back I have mixed feelings. I remember thinking, am I just a maid around here? Because almost the only time I got in trouble was when I didn't finish my chores. Whats the punishment for not getting them done in time? Surprise! More chores.Allowance...haha yea, right! I recall my dad giving my a $20 bill ONCE and saying "Don't say I never gave you anything". That stuck with me from the moment he said it. Another time, I remember having a friend over and he yelled at me because I didn't finish the dishes. It's hard for me to type that instance on here because its hard to get across the feeling of my father yelling at me. He did not talk much but, when he yelled it was heard...to say the least. There's no other way to say it, when he yelled, I was frightened. He never hit me or anything but being an only child and having the parent that you live with get angry enough to yell at you made me feel like a tiny tiny person. It didn't help he was 6'2" and I was more like 5". Needless to say, I was embarrassed in front of my friend and she felt so bad she helped me finish my chores(even more embarrassing in my eyes). So, fast forward to when I eventually moved out right after graduation. I even got married and was so ready to move on from that uncomfortable place I called home for all those years. I ended up moving out of state and still never got those "normal" parental check ins. I did call and every time he would have the same response "don't be a stranger". It was always so interesting to me that throughout my life everyone I knew never would pick up the phone to call me, even my own father. It was like he waited for me to call almost every time and I didn't understand why I always had to be the one. Towards what ended up being the end of his life, I had moved back in state. We lived about an hour away from each other and my grandparents still lived right next door to him. Naturally, I tried to visit at least 2-3 times a month. The only time he came to visit my place was when I told him I needed my tonsils out and I had no friends that could take me home after the procedure. I guess he felt obligated. When I did go visit, it was always the same polite conversation you might have with just about anyone. Not a lot of personal questions to say the least. I walked into my childhood house feeling just as awkward and uncomfortable as I always felt growing up. The routine was I told myself I had to spend at least an hour there before I went to visit my grandparents. I literally would look at the clock and time it. I also found a new partner about 2 years before he died. They never met. It was the fault of both my father and my partner that they never met but, my dad rarely asked about him. It always hurt me dearly that he didn't even care who the person his daughter was spending day in and day out with. After his death, I remember getting a glimpse of his phone and I noticed that my stepbrother was one of his "favorites" on his phone...I didn't make the cut. Anyways, if you are still reading, thank you for making it this far. This is just a tiny window into the world I lived in around my dad. Do you think its as complicated as I make it or am I just complaining more than I should be? Don't get my wrong, I am thankful my dad gave me that long list of chores. Maybe I wish it wasn't so long, but it instilled a work ethic in me that I certainly wouldn't have had without him. He yelled at me for doing a "half-assed job" one time and it still rings in my ears. *shudder* I guess all of this is why his death has been so hard for me to process (and the fact that it was sudden). It makes me feel so different from everyone else I know that has lost a father. Most people I know said their father was one of their best friends. It just simply wasn't like that for me..at all. In fact, I would go as far as to say my dad hardly knew me at all and vice versa. I remember struggling to buy him presents and in fact, he didn't even open many of the presents I bought him (I found them when were cleaning out the house). So, any advice anyone can give or any insight or if anyone even has a similar relationship to someone they lost like this, let me know. I'm just tired of feeling so alone in this.  

[Tiedye2020]

Grieving sucks but it is wonderful to have resources like this.   I lost both of my parents at a young age and am a only child as well.  I was a teenager when my father died suddenly.  My mother passed away when I was a toddler from a disease.  Grief sucks and I am more than happy to connect.  Happy Sunday!