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My brother feels like I do.


StillAlive

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It is not often I discuss feelings about my fathers death with my brother.  I have two brothers, one with whom I am close, the other has not and will not talk to me, for unrelated to my fathers death reasons. The one I am close with had a very different relationship with our father, the other unfortunately did not get to have much of a relationship with him, a regret my father expressed even on his death bed, and it will forever break my heart. They would have loved each other so much, and I know in my heart that they did, but they did not get to experience a relationship with each other and it is heartbreaking.  My father was both my dad and my best friend.  Actually, to be honest I am not sure what my father was to my brothers, I have never asked. Anyways, today, he (my brother) said to me that he had a breakdown, to which I replied, I do that multiple times a day, its okay.  Then he told me that he just doesn't see the point anymore, to life, to anything, that he just wants to give up.  I told him I feel the same, I also finally expressed this to my therapist (trust me I have tried before, there is a lot of things on the discussion board these days, and I love avoiding things apparently, it did not make me feel better, but is a relief that I am not the only one who has to carry it anymore.  Then I told him that I have to be here for him, and he has to be here for me...so unless we kill ourselves together, we have to keep going. I also expressed that there are several people who also need us here and some of them would not make it without us, so we really have to keep going.  It was weird to have this conversation with my brother. Although, brutal honesty is all we have left besides each other, both parents gone too soon. Forever in the adult orphans club and it hurts and it sucks. Neither of our parents will see us get married, or have kids.  The both of us were there with my father for all of the last month until the end, for all of the chemo, the CT scans, the MRI's, the hours spent waiting around in surgery waiting areas, for every single home health visit, for all of the trips that we knew would be our last one like it, our last time together with all the uncles and aunts and nephews, the last Christmas, the last birthdays together, the last Thanksgiving. All of it. We experienced all of it together and we never talk about it. Until today, and it was about how both of us just want to give up and end this misery.  How am I supposed to keep carrying all of this. I feel like I am buckling underneath it all. 

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StillAlive, I hear you and feel your pain. We are neither amongst the departed nor amongst the living. That is why grief which ravages the soul like this is recognisable on fellow sufferers faces. Nobody knows the effort it takes to do the simplest of things. We are hurting so much. 

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