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My cat died unnecessarily and I blame myself


KittyGirl

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It's been 10 weeks since Kitty -  my precious 17 year old cat - passed away and I am so broken over her death. She meant everything to me. The loss of her has been even more painful because I blame myself for overlooking and not doing enough in the last days of her life to get her out of a crisis. If I did, I am sure she would still be here today and this is something I am finding hard to live with. I have so much guilt about it.

She's been in my family since she was 6 months old. For the last 14 years, I took over her care. A very gentle and considerate cat, never did anyone harm. We went through many things together over the years and had the strongest bond. Always there for me showing me unconditional love. My heart cat.

Kitty was healthy all her life and only started having a chronic health issue since last winter. She had been doing good but a week before her death she vomited a few times and then stopped eating altogether. I took her to the vet and tried various things, including syringe feeding her, but she wouldn't start to eat on her own. I took her again to the vet and amongst the things prescribed was potassium which turned out to be what she needed as her symptoms matched when I looked into it later. That was why meds and other things were not working. But it was not enough in time because the next night she deteriorated and died. I cannot believe it was missed earlier by the vet - when would have helped the most - and it never dawned on me until too late.

What deeply hurts is she died for something that was treatable. Everything that could have gone wrong for her did. I especially failed her because - while I was frantically trying to help her - I missed things that I should have done. 

Kitty died peacefully but it was heartbreaking to watch her take her last breath and I couldn't do anything to save her. And the same day buried her in the backyard. I think I was in shock since everything happened so fast in the end.

Sadly she is gone but the overwhelming guilt lingers on. Daily going over in my mind the circumstances that led up to her death. Although the grief is not as bad as it was in the first few weeks - which I don't know how I survived - but I still get triggered at any moment and cry for her. I'm not at the point where I can look at all the good years we had together because her death overshadows that. I guess it will take much more time - maybe never - to heal from the loss of her.

Kitty was such a sweet loving girl and brought so much joy in my life. Now it's filled with sadness without her. It hurts that the things I used to do for her, I no longer do. I miss her so terribly much.

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Is all the more worse that during a pandemic I lost my precious Kitty when I needed her the most. Is always a bad time to lose our loved ones but even more so now. The loss has made me lose faith in everything. I don't believe there is an afterlife or a rainbow bridge either where she will be waiting for me. She's gone forever and the only chance I had to see her again was having done the things I should have while she was still alive. This is what is so hard to live with and makes me feel bitter about life.

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Collettesweetbear

Oh, kitty girl I’m so terribly sorry you are going through this. I could just feel your pain in your words. I’m so sad for you, I’m so sad for me and I’m sad for everyone who loses their pet in any way. I’m kinda down in the dumps today. I feel very bitter too.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

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Thank you @Collettesweetbear for your kind concern. Sorry you are feeling sad and bitter too. It just hits like a ton of bricks and there isn't anything to ease the deep pain of the loss. You want so much for it to be a bad dream that you could wake up from and find your sweet baby is still there with you. 

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Thank you @KayC For me is an enormous amount of guilt because I feel I failed in protecting Kitty's life just as a parent does for their child. She depended on me and I let her down. I cannot deny my fault or justify it as part of the grieving process. There were things I should have done that I even thought to do and didn't. That is what I have to live with.

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Well the whole purpose of guilt is to call something to our attention that we need to change, once that is done, we can then let go of it.  I know, easier said than done.  Perhaps if you tell yourself, "I have already dealt with this and now I need to forgive myself."  perhaps that will help, it may take some time as it can be a process. :wub:

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@KayC The thing is you can't change something that is already done and has cost someone their life. And when it keeps replaying in your mind, forgiving yourself is not easy to do. And even if you can manage to forgive yourself, you won't forget so is a double-edged sword. Yes definitely is a process that needs much more time. It's been almost 12 weeks now since Kitty died so the time is passing but it isn't taking the hurting with it. I know in the months and days leading up to her death I was always closely monitoring her health - so I know I did a lot of good things for her - but then things went haywire in the last few days. I keep trying to figure out how and why. Someone pointed out to me that I have unfounded guilt because it was the vet who made a series of errors. That they are the doctor, studied for many years and examine animals on a daily basis so should know. Definitely the vet by not taking it serious enough in the first examination had a big part in how things unfolded from there. That I can see is what happened. Even so, I still blame myself because I was responsible for Kitty and her life was dependent on what I decided for her. That is a lot of burden to bear when a precious life was lost that could have been saved. I miss her so much, wish she was still here.

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9 hours ago, KittyGirl said:

And when it keeps replaying in your mind, forgiving yourself is not easy to do. And even if you can manage to forgive yourself, you won't forget so is a double-edged sword.

Yes I know that, that's why I said I knew it was easier said than done.  But it's a process, and we can begin to work through that process by replacing negative thoughts in a positive frame.  I agree with the guilt lies with the vet, but I also understand your feelings.  It's how I've felt about my Arlie because he had acute chronic colitis and the doctors couldn't control it even with their gastrointestinal dogfood, so I cooked for him.  It did control his colitis and got his weight normal, but I fear it fed the cancer, which was not diagnosed when it should have been, he always went for his regular checkups, etc, why did they not notice?  I  only know I did my best and it wasn't good enough...but it has to be, it's all I have.  I loved that dog more than anything in the world.  People think because I have a cute little puppy now, that should be the end of it, no!  I will love Arlie to my dying day and no one is more beautiful than him!  His smile melted my heart.

So yes, I do know your feelings, been there...am there.  Just working through it, doing better than I was but yes those nagging thoughts do have a way of entering.  If only we could be as understanding to ourselves as we are with others!  But then I ask, what good does it do to sentence ourselves to a lifetime of remorse and guilt?!  None at all.

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On 9/26/2020 at 7:47 AM, KayC said:

I agree with the guilt lies with the vet, but I also understand your feelings.  It's how I've felt about my Arlie because he had acute chronic colitis and the doctors couldn't control it even with their gastrointestinal dogfood, so I cooked for him.  It did control his colitis and got his weight normal, but I fear it fed the cancer, which was not diagnosed when it should have been, he always went for his regular checkups, etc, why did they not notice? 

I found with vets they didn't understand Kitty. Even a previous blood test they interpreted wrong. Cats do require more detective work since there are gray areas. And seems they usually need a biopsy to confirm. For chronic conditions, conventional doesn't always work because pharmaceutical drugs can have side effects that cause other problems and you are limited in your options.

A month before, I switched to a holistic vet and she was doing good. But the vet didn't step up to the plate when it mattered the most. I guess the vet and I thought - since Kitty was otherwise appearing fine on that Friday - whatever prescribed would work. The vet though didn't consider what if it didn't work - and since the clinic would be closed for the weekend - shouldn't she give other things and ideas to get her back to eating on her own. Why I had to go back again on Monday and only then she came up with the potassium? That was a huge error that she made by not giving it on Friday because it would have given more time for it to work and figure things out. I think if Kitty had always been on a daily supplement maybe this would never have happened because wouldn't have been that low in it. I don't know why the vet nor any others didn't consider it for her. I too missed it as part of the things I was giving her. But then I shouldn't be paying a vet to find a solution myself. 

I used to cook for Kitty too and she just loved it. Even used to come and remind me was time to cook dinner. I don't think that you cooking for Arlie fed his cancer because it helped his colitis and got his weight up so you were keeping him healthy. It's not your fault that the vet missed the cancer early enough. Yes they should notice but seems from my own experience they don't.

Why would anyone think that getting a new pet would be the end of it? They obviously don't understand the deep love and bond you had with a unique being which cannot be erased or replaced. I will love Kitty forever and don't think there will be anyone more beautiful (inside and out) than her that I will love more. I cannot even see any other cat at this time because when recently there was a cat in the yard, she came close and started talking to me. Her meow was so sweet sounded similar to Kitty's and just made me cry thinking how much I miss my precious Kitty. A long (painful) road ahead is what I am seeing.

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With the loss of Kitty, I feel I lost my purpose. Was taken away abruptly with no justifiable reason. What happened shouldn't have happened. Was all unfair. It does feel like a sentence because of what I feel I did wrong to her. Maybe it will be for as long as I think she could have lived that was denied to her. It does seem that each one of us grieving is counting that time factor since the death. It will be 12 weeks tomorrow that I have been serving my sentence of remorse and guilt. So when I feel I have done my time, maybe then my grief will be over.

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Thank you @KayC the second article was especially helpful. I have been reading a lot of things to help. I can't believe it's already been over 3 months (14 weeks, 4 days) as it was like yesterday she was here greeting me with her beautiful wide-eyed green eyes and sweet face. I see images of her everywhere she used to be in the house. She filled the house with so much life, her presence still lingers. At least I can take comfort in that. But the hurting and tears continue even though the waves are less intense and further apart. I still though have daily thoughts  - especially when I wake up - going over the things leading up to her death. I struggle with both the vet's and my part in it. What we both should have done that didn't do. I feel angry about it too. Maybe I have to keep analyzing until I've come to terms with it.

I read an article that especially hit a chord with me where a vet said:

I believe that there are many pet owners out there who have made decisions, sometimes on their own and sometimes with their veterinarians, which they regret. If you are one of those people, I want you to know that neither you nor your vet can know the future, and we all feel guilt when our pets leave us. We wonder if we could have done more or if we missed something important along the way. That is the guilt of loss.

I know there are good vets out there but, with my experience for Kitty, wasn't the case as the ones I dealt with didn't understand her - nor take the time to - and in the end really let her down. A lot of the time I had to figure things out myself and unfortunately by the time I figured out what was wrong with Kitty, it was too late. Although I am not at a stage to consider getting another cat - not sure I ever will because Kitty is my heart and soul  - but vets would be one of the reasons why I wouldn't.

I think I also need a break because what I went through with her was particularly hard. I have regrets I need to work through and grieve the loss of her for whatever time it takes. I've though done things like write a letter to her and journal events & things about her. She has an amazing story that needs to be told so I've thought about writing a book to share it. Yes her death was very bad as could have been avoidable but her life was an inspiration and something good needs to come out of it. I visit her grave daily in the backyard, put flowers on it, and tell her how much I love and miss her. I make myself look at a few of her pics to focus on the good memories and remember all the joy & love she brought into my life for so many years. Now that is an improvement as before I couldn't even look at any cat let alone her without breaking down. It is a day by day rollercoaster of emotions.

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I understand.  I've always had a cat but my Kitty died Jan. 6 and I'm not ready at this point, plus I have a puppy and think I should wait until he's a little older.  Kitty (mine) was so much personality it doesn't seem right that she's gone, so quiet.

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On 10/19/2020 at 9:21 AM, KayC said:

 Kitty (mine) was so much personality it doesn't seem right that she's gone, so quiet.

No it doesn't seem right they are gone and we are left broken hearted without them. Is quiet here too without my Kitty and she was a quiet girl to begin with. She would though interrupt you if you were talking to someone else, as always had something to add to the conversation. Just had such a sweet personality and a presence about her

Is been over four months now, and I find I'm crying less (more inside than outside) but it doesn't take much to trigger it. I miss and think about her daily. I wish she was here. She should have lived longer - had such a determination for life - and if it wasn't for human errors, would have. Is all unfair that I have to live with the loss of her.

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