Losing A Parent in Your 20s/Teens/Childhood

[Paulinet Angela]

On 11/24/2020 at 10:52 AM, Nayana said:

Can we make a separate support group just for people like us (who've lost a parent in their 20s)? Like on some form of social media. Grief is isolating as it is, but it's so hard when you're surrounded by friends and family who don't know what you're going through. A group where we can communicate with each other whenever we want

I like the idea of an online support group (maybe on Facebook?) specifically for our age bracket, @Nayana. I wonder who else here feels the same? Please let us know. 

[Nayana]

22 minutes ago, Paulinet Angela said:

I like the idea of an online support group (maybe on Facebook?) specifically for our age bracket, @Nayana. I wonder who else here feels the same? Please let us know. 

Yes, Facebook sounds good!

[Paulinet Angela]

On 11/25/2020 at 11:36 PM, Nayana said:

Yes, Facebook sounds good!

Alright, let's wait for other people to express their desire for a Facebook group also. In the meantime @Nayana, you could personally send a message to me here if you need someone to talk to. I know how hard and overwhelming it can be.

[Angelisa Hassan]

I lost my mother on November 1st. It has been the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I am 27 and still in college. I feel so guilty not graduating college earlier. I have so much depression and anxiety over this now. We did everything together. She was my best friend, my sunshine, and my life. Breast cancer took her. She was only 54.

[Dream_Daze]

I am 25 and just last night my mother's room mate came home to find she'd passed away in her favorite chair overlooking the parking lot to her appartment complex. I also have immense guilt that I did not visit her every chance I could or graduate college, marry, or have children of my own. She loved kids so much. I am deeply sorry for everyone's loss and I hope it does get easier for everybody. Losing anybody is hard in of itself but losing a parent or somebody who was close to you, who saw all the struggles you overcome and laughed with you through the good times feels impossible. I came onto this site to try and cope with losing my mother and hopefully finding peace soon just as she had.

 

[SilverPenguin]

@Paulinet Angela sorry to read your story and that of others on here. It's an incredibly difficult thing to go through.

 

For me, I lost my dad very suddenly when I was 17 and then my mum two years later when I was 19. She had Cancer and suffered for six months but I was only told what was wrong with her, the week she went to hospital, which was the week before she died. Within six months of my mum passing, the family home I grew up in was sold and I had to move home and fend for myself (I do have a sister who is 10 years older, who was there to help with some of it).

Because of my young age and having to suddenly fend for myself and pay bills, I never truly had time to deal with it. As @Tiedye2020 said, you have to grow up fast!

 

It's only been this year, now in my early 40's, that the grief is starting to come out. And it hurts. It might be 20+ years later but it's like I'm only now finally able to start processing. The hardest thing is that feeling connected to them isn't easy because not only was it so long ago but when you lose parents young, you're at a stage of life where you take it for granted they'll always be around or that you'll have many more years with them. That's the case for me. I feel like I never got to know them as a 'mature' human being, which makes the disconnect even harder.

My mums birthday is in December and my Dad died the day after her birthday and this is the first Christmas in a long time that I'm really struggling with it all. Same as @Paige I actually stumbled on this forum looking for others who might be in a similar situation. There's something (sadly) comforting to know we are not alone!

 

[ValentineX3]

On 9/27/2020 at 10:14 PM, Tiedye2020 said:

I'm in my late 30's but I lost my mother when I was 3 and my father at 16. I compartmentalized the loss and grew up way to fast.  I am on this website to connect to others who have unfortunately had similar experiences.   

Hi I am sorry for your losses. I have never had a father, and my mother was diagnosed with schizo-effective disorder and PTSD when i was 13. She sadly passed when i was 19, so i can relate to you in terms of growing up to quickly. Im happy to listen, sorry this is my first time on a forum so not to sure how it all works exactly.

[Gauri303]

On 9/15/2020 at 7:20 PM, Paulinet Angela said:

I can imagine that losing a parent at any age is devastating, but I was wondering if there are any other children in their 20s here (or younger) who have also lost his/her mother or father, "too early"? I lost my father a month ago, I just turned 27. I only had one semester left to finish my Law degree, and I would have wanted him to be there on graduation day (he was so excited). In a kinder world, he would have been there on all the other future highlights of my life, like having him hold his future grandchildren, future travels, future holidays together. I am now left with deep regret that I took my time to pursue my goals, because now I won't be able to share my victories with him anymore. Of course, logically, no one could have predicted the way life has turned out thus far, but I still can't help but feel this way. Logic and emotions are on a constant battle within.

Truly, I am having a difficult time letting go of the life we should have had together. I am still in pure shock, and I struggle to find the point in any of this. He was always there to guide and support me, but now I feel like my life's compass is broken without him. 

If you're comfortable enough to share --

What's your story, and how are you overcoming it?

I lost my month on the 27th of August. I am 21 and have been apart from her for a year due to COVID 19 and me studying outside the country. She was supposed to visit me in December. I keep wishing life weren't so cruel and would have allowed my dad and I to have that time with her. I was looking for people who share my pain with to talk to and listen to as well because I miss her so goddamn much. Everyone keeps saying it will be okay but not a day had passed by where I don't miss her voice and smile since that's all I had for the past year. She died in a car accident. She was in the backseat and none of it was her fault. I miss her so much. I am so sorry you have to go through the same thing. I truly am. 

[wonderkat]

Hi. I just lost my father as well and I was one week away from finishing nursing school. It really devastated me that he wasn't there to celebrate with me. He's usually the one to congratulate me first too. I found comfort in thinking he left my family at this time because he knows I am finally done, that me and my brother are done with school and will be able to make it through life without him. I really don't think time will help at all. I truly feel that I will feel the same years down the road. It is a very hard thing to accept. I am a nurse and we learn about grief, but now that I am the one experiencing it, its like everything I learned doesn't even make sense to me. I guess that's how life is. We don't know why these things happen, why it's always the good ones who go first. I really don't know what to say because nothing I say will make you feel any better, but you are not alone. We're not alone. I really just have to believe, and genuinely believe that he will always be with me, watching over me wherever I go. Find something whether it is a place, a song, an object, etc, that brings you closer to him. I have a song and a necklace that really brings me closer to my dad where I feel his presence, and I find it comforting. I still am lost, and I still don't know how to get through this. But I just have to take it one day at a time. 

[SkyHighLindsay]

On 9/15/2020 at 6:37 PM, Paulinet Angela said:

I understand you completely. Grief can be very isolating. It's also hard because we are expected to "function" during the day. And I guess it helps that we are able to stay occupied, but at night I find myself back in square one whenever I'm alone with my thoughts. I want to be better, but there's also a sense of guilt that I'd "lose" him if I let the pain go, if that makes sense? Also, you can message me whenever if you want someone to talk to. Do you have a good support system? In my case, as much as I appreciate support from friends and relatives, I also feel like they could never understand my pain unless they've been through it. This website has helped me process my feelings. 

Hey Paulinet, 

I just wanted to post something that my therapist said to me when I talked to her about the guilt of "letting go". She said that you never "let go". There's no such thing as "moving on". However, as you grow up, everyone goes through the process of re-negotiating the love you have with your parents. It changes from that intense need, to that background, incredible support. It's something so core, but less co-dependent. When you lose your parent in your 20s, you've not had the chance to do that re-negotiation with them alive, so you have to do it by yourself. So by dealing with your grief, you aren't losing him. You'll never forget him, or love him less. The kind of love with just subtly shift so that its a lovely, warm hum in the background of everything you do rather than an intense longing. 

I lost my dad in a sudden cycling accident when I was 24 - that was 3 years ago now, and it is still the most painful thing I think (or hope!) i'll ever experience. You are incredibly brave. And I promise you that over time you do become more self -aware of what you're feeling and what you need. Ride the waves - and in the memory of your dad it could lead you to some amazing things in your life . 

 

Sending lots of hugs. xxx Lindsay 

[PaulM1996]

Hi everyone,

I’m 24 and I lost my father 5 weeks ago, which was completely out of the blue (Ischemic Heart Disease. It was only diagnosed once he had sadly passed). He was literally my EVERYTHING. I can’t bear to think about life without him now, I really can’t. He’s been my best friend all my life, as well as being the most amazing dad. I miss speaking to him over the phone, and seeing him on the weekends for a pint in the pub + watching the football or rugby, I miss phoning him and asking how his day has been, I miss everything about him. I just can’t see how my life is going continue without him in my life. 
 

I’m finding it so hard to write about him, it’s 1 AM, and I’m just constantly on google looking for answers. It still doesn’t feel right that I’m even doing this, i just can’t believe the day has actually come where I’ve lost him  

I’m so lucky to have the support of my family and partner, as everyone knew how close me and my dad were. (That’s me and my dad in my profile picture)

[Paulinet Angela]

I am very familiar with regrets, and the intense longing that we feel towards the unlived life. We've all imagined a future that we would share with them. In our eyes, we know that our parents had still so much to offer, and to deal with their absence at our age, when everything else is also in motion and constantly changing? It just seems so daunting. It is quite tempting to retreat and wish ourselves back into childhood, when they were there to hold us, protect us, and make sure everything's okay. But we're the adults now. It's a very forceful and turbulent placement, we've been ushered into roles that we're not ready for. Doubts and anxieties around every corner, it can get overwhelming. How do we cope? Where do we go from here?

I highly suggest this book, "Bearing the Unbearable" by Joanne Cacciatore. I read it a few weeks ago and it has honestly helped me shift my perspective. Here are some key takeaways that I got from the book:

“Others may tell us that it’s time to “move on” or that this is “part of some bigger plan” — because our shattering makes them feel uneasy, vulnerable, at risk. Some may avoid us, others pity us. But this grief is ours. We have earned this grief, paying for it with love and steadfast devotion. We own this pain, even on days when we wish it weren’t so. We need not give it away or allow anything, or anyone, to pilfer it.”

"Nothing can make up for the absence of someone we love, and it would be wrong to try and find a substitute; we must simply hold out and see it through. That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation. It remains unfilled. It preserves the bonds between us."

“To fully inhabit grief is to hold the contradictions of the great mystery that loss shatters us and we become whole. Grief empties us and we are filled with emotion. Fear paralyzes us and we lend courage to another. We mourn our beloved's absence and we invoke their presence. We cease to exist as we once were and we become more fully human. We know the darkest of all nights and in so doing can bring the light of our loved ones into the world. We are the paradox. We are the bearers of the unbearable.”

Keep writing, we're here to listen.

@Angelisa Hassan, @Dream_Daze, @SilverPenguin, @ValentineX3, @Gauri303, @wonderkat, @SkyHighLindsay, @PaulM1996

[Byen9617]

Hi there- I don’t have much to say but how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I am 21 and just lost my father to a rare cancer soon after he was diagnosed. I have two younger sisters 18 & 17. We have all been devastated. How will we function the rest of our lives without our dear father to guide and support us? Our parents are our rocks and without my dad, my mom is widowed at 50. I noticed I have started to be unintentionally jealous of my friends fathers being able to attend the holidays, events and every day. It’s so hard. Nothing I will do will make it better - just same pain every day. Feels like he passed yesterday with the pain in my heart just as tender.

[awiles16]

13 hours ago, Byen9617 said:

Hi there- I don’t have much to say but how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I am 21 and just lost my father to a rare cancer soon after he was diagnosed. I have two younger sisters 18 & 17. We have all been devastated. How will we function the rest of our lives without our dear father to guide and support us? Our parents are our rocks and without my dad, my mom is widowed at 50. I noticed I have started to be unintentionally jealous of my friends fathers being able to attend the holidays, events and every day. It’s so hard. Nothing I will do will make it better - just same pain every day. Feels like he passed yesterday with the pain in my heart just as tender.

yes! i constantly find myself being jealous of other people who have their dad. i know that’s so selfish of me but i can’t help but feel some type of way about it. i’m an only child and i’m desperate for someone to know how i’m feeling. i wish i knew when this would get better. i’m so overwhelmed.

[Paulinet Angela]

On 12/10/2020 at 3:33 PM, Byen9617 said:

Hi there- I don’t have much to say but how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I am 21 and just lost my father to a rare cancer soon after he was diagnosed. I have two younger sisters 18 & 17. We have all been devastated. How will we function the rest of our lives without our dear father to guide and support us? Our parents are our rocks and without my dad, my mom is widowed at 50. I noticed I have started to be unintentionally jealous of my friends fathers being able to attend the holidays, events and every day. It’s so hard. Nothing I will do will make it better - just same pain every day. Feels like he passed yesterday with the pain in my heart just as tender.

I'm so sorry for your loss, @Byen9617. I lost my dad to cancer too, it was a swift one also, barely 2 weeks after his diagnosis. I also don't know how to function without him, the future overwhelms me whenever I think about the goals I'm determined to achieve that he wouldn't get to savor with me. It seems senseless now, doesn't it? But we still have so much to look forward to. No matter how devastating all of this is, I hope you don't lose sight of the memories both of you shared, and the light that he left in your life. That's what's keeping me afloat now, that my dad might not be physically here, but his wisdom and love remains. Keep your siblings close. As the eldest, I hope you step into this role with as much grace and fortitude that your father would have hoped for you in this situation. You'll get stronger with each day. Trust in yourself.

On 12/11/2020 at 5:07 AM, awiles16 said:

yes! i constantly find myself being jealous of other people who have their dad. i know that’s so selfish of me but i can’t help but feel some type of way about it. i’m an only child and i’m desperate for someone to know how i’m feeling. i wish i knew when this would get better. i’m so overwhelmed.

@awiles16, I also grew up as an only child. I have a little sister from a step-mother now, but she just turned six years old, so I was an only child for 21 years. I can understand the pain that you're feeling right now. It seems like it's "you against the great, big world". I think the "jealousy" that we feel is perfectly normal, and we shouldn't feel horrible about it. It's a very human thing to desire what we've lost. I think it's more of a "longing" than jealousy. But I hope you know that the parent that we lost is still OURS. No one can take that away from us, not even death. The connection lives on. It might seem like empty words now, but time will reveal this truth. Being overwhelmed is also "normal" in our circumstances, and I suggest you identify your triggers. In the first few weeks of my grief, I observed that mine seems to be the social media posts that other people dedicate to their parents because I used to do that with my dad. So now, especially since the holidays are coming up, I intend to stay-off social media and drown myself in literature that would help me cope. This website helps: https://whatsyourgrief.com/

[HopefulHeart]

Hi how are you guys coping this holiday season? it's my first time since this loss and i just feel so broken and alone. I'm totally game if anyone wants to start a group for children who have lost their parents in their 20s or younger.. 

[Zee24]

The new year and holiday season was hard. Very hard to go through but we go through it all, dont we. I was thinking of a song I used to like which I cant stand now, kelly clarksons what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. And I think now, that no, some things kill you from the inside and leave you cold. And they don’t make you stronger either. how was yours hopeful heart? 

[Karelle]

Hello, I am 20 and just lost my mother. My dad is very sick and there is no cure so he will be passing too. I am just very scared because I feel like my whole life is cursed and doomed because I have no more parental guidance and protection. It's so hard and I am so jealous of my siblings who are way older so they had my parents to help them step into adukthood and find their path... i know they will help me, but there's nothing like a parent's love and selflessness.

[bkerns]

https://whatsmissingisyou.com/ is a great resource for this topic.

[Paulinet Angela]

On 1/18/2021 at 9:41 PM, Karelle said:

Hello, I am 20 and just lost my mother. My dad is very sick and there is no cure so he will be passing too. I am just very scared because I feel like my whole life is cursed and doomed because I have no more parental guidance and protection. It's so hard and I am so jealous of my siblings who are way older so they had my parents to help them step into adukthood and find their path... i know they will help me, but there's nothing like a parent's love and selflessness.

There are times in this grief when we do feel cursed and doomed, and I'm very sorry that fate has dealt you a cruel hand. I know how hard it is to feel like no one can relate to how you're feeling, @Karelle. Losing your mother was hard enough, and my heart truly goes out to your dad's situation. I understand how detached you feel from your siblings, it's true that a parent's love and selflessness is incomparable, this is a truth that I've also bitterly discovered. But the hope is that we could handle our circumstances with whatever help we could get, even if it's not what we had in mind. I hope you could ease your sorrows here. We will listen.

[Charlie4298]

I was in my late teens when my Mum passed away. It was such a difficult age for it to happen as I was treated like an adult which I was but certainly didn't feel like one at the time. All I wanted then and all I want now is my Mum. I don't think that changes no matter how old we all get we all rely on our parents and expect then to be there forever and when they are not its just devastating. I took a gap year but I'm due to graduate this year and I don't even know if I can stand in a cap and gown without my mum there. Everything I see a wedding photo of anyone I just get reminded that when it's my turn my mum won't be there. The only thing that I try to think for me is that I'm doing all this stuff for her and she would want me to graduate and do well but it still hurts. Take care of yourself and just take it one day at a time.

[Reagan]

I’m 22 and lost my uncle/father figure last year a few days before my 21st birthday. It was  unexpected & still a shock to me. I too feel the way you described. I feel guilt for working so much & not spending more time with him. I truly never thought I would lose someone this young. I thought I had more time. Now I’m left questioning everything and sad about the future he will never get to see with me. No one around me that’s my age has experienced loss so I’ve been struggling to connect with anyone about it. I was hoping on here I could find people that genuinely care & in some ways understand what I’m going through. 

[Taylor22]

It’s been two months since the passing of my mother and I can relate to a lot of what’s being said on this thread. I’m 28 and my mom passed away unexpectedly from a massive heart attack, she was only 52. I’m completely devastated from this loss and I don’t know how to cope. She was my person, she became my world after my dad died from suicide when I was 17. I was only 2 classes away from my graduate degree when she passed and I just don’t see the point anymore. She should be there to see me walk down the aisle and it kills me that I won’t be there. I’m just so lost without her and I feel so alone

[Prairiegirl94]

Sorry for your loss <3 I really relate to your points about life's milestones and missing your parent. I'm 27 now, my mom passed when I was 14 and my dad when I was 20. It was extremely difficult losing them and taught me extreme levels of empathy and other skills which people often recognize, but just because I learned things doesn't make it hurt any less. Especially now that I'm engaged to be married and the wedding will highlight the fact that my father won't be there to give me away, and my mother won't won't standing up there proudly will my bridesmaids. I found it helpful to pretend they were there for certain things like graduation and say things out loud to them at home as if they were there. I just discovered this website and I think sharing stories can be very therapuetic, I also found a good therapist and saw her for about a year and a half which really helped me work through a fair amount of the grief I was holding onto. I'm hoping to connect with people and hear stories similar to mine, and try to answer any questions and concerns for other people dealing with grief. 

[Caitlyn]

I’m 20, about to be 21 in 2 weeks. I lost my dad March 14th. He died by septic shock due to acute alcoholic hepatitis. His skin turned yellow in February and I begged him to go to the hospital. They said he needed a liver transplant, but he wasn’t strong enough yet. He ended up leaving against medical advice. He got sicker very fast. He got so sick that he couldn’t control his bowels, he couldn’t walk, he was nonstop hiccuping and would go through periods of not being able to breathe.. he finally went back to the hospital after we forced him. He told my mother he wanted to die at home and that he knew he was going to die, my mom didn’t mention this to me because she didn’t think he was going to die. I carried him to the car to go to the hospital. I got to tell him I loved him and to have fun at the hospital. He said he was going to be there for a while but he didn’t say forever.. he died within a week of being at the hospital. I got to see him one last time, but they said he was most likely braindead. I said everything I wanted to say but I didn’t get to hear from him. And on top of that seeing him that way.... I just can’t get the image out of my head. I don’t think he was there. I’m so angry that I couldn’t see him in the hospital while he was responsive because of covid. Im so angry that the doctors didn’t do more. How did they not expect his kidneys to fail too??!? Why didn’t they make sure that didn’t happen??!? What if my mom didn’t get advised to pull the plug, what if he wasn’t braindead and could’ve made it???? I know there’s nothing I can do now but I’m just so mad. My dad only drank heavy for 4 years and I begged him to quit alcohol. I told him so many times he was going to die if he kept drinking, and I’m so angry that I never got through to him. But then I’m also angry that I fought with him so much and didn’t just spend time with him. He was always drunk and it started to irritate me, I didn’t think I would have so little time with him, so I was pretty ruthless the last 2 years about it. The first 10 years of my life with my dad weren’t the best.. He would always cheat on my mom and he didn’t see me often. That really hurt me as a kid because I didn’t understand why I didn’t see my dad. When I was 10, we moved and my dad changed. He became a better dad, and he was doing things with his life. He started having an issue with alcohol 6 years later. It just sucks because I only got a solid good 6 years with my dad. The rest was just fighting or he wasn’t around. And I love my dad, so much. He always told me I was his first born and he would always love me. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I need him here, I didn’t realize it until he was gone, how much I need him. It just constantly feels like somethings missing. And then I constantly have to watch my mom go through her rollercosters of pain because he was her first love. My mom is in so much pain, and that hurts me a lot, I have to stay strong for her but I never have seen her cry the way she does now.  

[Kennyyy]

On 9/15/2020 at 12:20 PM, Paulinet Angela said:

I can imagine that losing a parent at any age is devastating, but I was wondering if there are any other children in their 20s here (or younger) who have also lost his/her mother or father, "too early"? I lost my father a month ago, I just turned 27. I only had one semester left to finish my Law degree, and I would have wanted him to be there on graduation day (he was so excited). In a kinder world, he would have been there on all the other future highlights of my life, like having him hold his future grandchildren, future travels, future holidays together. I am now left with deep regret that I took my time to pursue my goals, because now I won't be able to share my victories with him anymore. Of course, logically, no one could have predicted the way life has turned out thus far, but I still can't help but feel this way. Logic and emotions are on a constant battle within.

Truly, I am having a difficult time letting go of the life we should have had together. I am still in pure shock, and I struggle to find the point in any of this. He was always there to guide and support me, but now I feel like my life's compass is broken without him. 

If you're comfortable enough to share --

What's your story, and how are you overcoming it?

 

On 9/15/2020 at 12:20 PM, Paulinet Angela said:

I can imagine that losing a parent at any age is devastating, but I was wondering if there are any other children in their 20s here (or younger) who have also lost his/her mother or father, "too early"? I lost my father a month ago, I just turned 27. I only had one semester left to finish my Law degree, and I would have wanted him to be there on graduation day (he was so excited). In a kinder world, he would have been there on all the other future highlights of my life, like having him hold his future grandchildren, future travels, future holidays together. I am now left with deep regret that I took my time to pursue my goals, because now I won't be able to share my victories with him anymore. Of course, logically, no one could have predicted the way life has turned out thus far, but I still can't help but feel this way. Logic and emotions are on a constant battle within.

Truly, I am having a difficult time letting go of the life we should have had together. I am still in pure shock, and I struggle to find the point in any of this. He was always there to guide and support me, but now I feel like my life's compass is broken without him. 

If you're comfortable enough to share --

What's your story, and how are you overcoming it?

Firstly I would like to offer my condolences about your father and say that only time will heal and to know that he is always with you! 
But to answer your question, yes . I recently lost my father to cancer about a month ago. I just turned 20 and haven’t even got to fully live out my college career due to covid so nothing about the recent year has been that much fun. I always new with him being terminally ill it was a possibility we would loose him early but I had so much hope even up until his last days. It has been a whirlpool of emotions recently I have my good days and my bad ones, everything just comes in waves. Thankfully my family and I have been taking care of ourselves and have made sure to eat and get out of bed and still resume daily life tasks but some days are harder than others and that’s okay. I think it’s most important to just allow yourself to feel anything at any given moment and be comfortable with your emotions because you will always morn the person you lost. I completely understand you with feeling lost I also feel that. It’s crazy how even though you can function independently while your parents are here once they are gone it suddenly feels like you don’t even know who you are. Like life as you know it has come to a complete halt and time literally doesn’t exist, you’re just in your own world. I was very close with my dad and he was always present in our lives and now that he’s gone i feel like I don’t know how/what to do and I just feel lost. It’s basically like restarting your life, because life as you knew it before has suddenly changed. I think the most important thing is to hold onto the memories you have an know that throughout every accomplishment you make he would’ve been proud and just imagine him there in those moments. All of the first time accomplishments/events without him there will no doubt be difficult but know that he is there in spirit and if it was up to him he wouldn’t have missed it. One thing that had helped me is talking about him to others sharing stories or brining him up whenever I can because to me it makes me feel he’s alive. Everyday is different and I never know how I’m going to feel but I have been trying to work on myself and make sure to only improve myself but also give myself that leeway for the days I don’t have the energy to do anything. Don’t be hard on yourself and never let someone tell you how to feel. I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone in his  and hope that you do too. I wish you the best with your grieving/healing process and know that with time it will get a little easier as we get used to the feeling.

 I wish you nothing but the best as you move foward in life and just know that he is always with you. ! 

 

[Emmanuel_Oz]

Hearing other people's stories here is really giving me strength. My father passed away on January 31st, 2021. His death remains the most shocking experience I’ve ever had in my entire life. Nothing could’ve prepared me for the sudden reality that he is no more.
No medical, spiritual, psychosocial or philosophical explanation can rationalize the death of someone you love. The mind suddenly goes on an impossible mission trying to figure what went wrong, how it could’ve been avoided, what you didn’t do right, what you did right but not enough. Sometimes the regrets are what's killing my mother. I detailed her greiving process and that of his mother, my grandmother here in this video: https://youtu.be/Px3MSYczRkA

[sierra speller]

On 9/15/2020 at 1:20 PM, Paulinet Angela said:

I can imagine that losing a parent at any age is devastating, but I was wondering if there are any other children in their 20s here (or younger) who have also lost his/her mother or father, "too early"? I lost my father a month ago, I just turned 27. I only had one semester left to finish my Law degree, and I would have wanted him to be there on graduation day (he was so excited). In a kinder world, he would have been there on all the other future highlights of my life, like having him hold his future grandchildren, future travels, future holidays together. I am now left with deep regret that I took my time to pursue my goals, because now I won't be able to share my victories with him anymore. Of course, logically, no one could have predicted the way life has turned out thus far, but I still can't help but feel this way. Logic and emotions are on a constant battle within.

Truly, I am having a difficult time letting go of the life we should have had together. I am still in pure shock, and I struggle to find the point in any of this. He was always there to guide and support me, but now I feel like my life's compass is broken without him. 

If you're comfortable enough to share --

What's your story, and how are you overcoming it?

I lost my father on 11/30/2020 , I was also 27. I was 7 months pregnant with a little boy that my husband and I tried to have for 5 years . my relationship with my dad was different. He was my bestfriend , my dad and my mom and my son at the same time lol if that makes sense. my dad was a very healthy guy , never smoked , drank , and basically ate like a vegatarian in his adult life , he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in october of 2020 and died a month later. it truly was the worst thing i could imagine , esp considering I was pregnant with his grandson . I spoke to my dad every single day ,  needless to say we were very close. matter of fact his diagnosis came about 8 months after my husband , our 6 year old son , and myself moved into our own home . we all lived together for 6 years. shared meals , goals , holidays etc . sometimes i still catch myself thinking about calling him to tell him something about my kids , or a new recipe i found etc . i truly cannot put into words how i feel still . i feel like an orphan , and truthfully ive always been the glue of the family and this time around i feel weak at times like i just cannot be the strong one . when my dad became ill no one was there but me, sick pregnant old me . I spent time at the hospital , gave hime baths , medical advice , helped with advanced directives , etc and all i wish is that i wouldve just spent that time hanging out with him and laughing instead of trying to get affairs in order. the nurse in me was so focused on things being right and him following treatment that i lost sight of the big picture  . i just wish i could have that time with him back . i totally can relate to the broken compass comment . only thing keeping me going is my kids and my husband . what  do you do to help ? 

[Emily9221]

I lost my dad when I was 14 back in 2006. He was 46 and had a sudden death. I am 29 now and Im still trying to figure out how to cope with the grief. It gets better but it never truly goes away. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

[Prairiegirl94]

On 9/15/2020 at 6:41 PM, Lexllexi said:

I turned 27 in July and my dad had just turned 50 in June. I lost him Sept. 2nd. Very unexpectedly and its been really hard.

 

He was my best friend. He was my main parent and always took care of me, well after he should have had to. Im actually on a layover with a bag of pictures i have to compile for his funeral after going to his viewing this past Sunday. Which was really horrible. It felt awful but I truly needed it for closure. I still dont know how to continue my life without him. I dont even want to because all of my happy moments are just dim without his cheesy smile. And friends my age dont understand or know what I'm going through because many of them can't even fathom losing their parents right now or even have to worry about it. 

I'm so sorry to hear this, I really relate to those feelings. I'm 27 and both my parents have passed from cancer, many of my friends are in their late 30s and all have both parents that are happy and healthy. They try to be sensitive to my situation but most of the time it just feels like that loss is kinda of a secret that we rarely talk about because they can't understand and aren't sure what to say. I know they can't understand right now even though they mean well, I'm hoping as I get older l will meet more people who understand the experience, and I hope knowing you aren't the only one brings you some small amount of comfort. 

[Grieving_Daughter]

Hi Pauline,

I’ve read through this entire thread and really appreciate all of the thoughtful and caring responses you have made. I’m truly sorry for your loss. I’m 25 and lost my dad 5 months ago. I was just a day away from submitting my thesis for my grad program (he always supported me & was rooting for me to finish) and 2 weeks away from finishing all together. I got my degree in the mail less than a month after his passing but I didn’t even care. I just wish my dad was here to see it. It’s like it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m an only child as well and feel comforted by a lot of what you wrote to others- so thank you for taking the time to do that. Your father sounds like a beautiful person and a great dad. I can imagine how much you miss him and all of his wonderful traits. My dad was a superstar as I like to call him. Very lively and full of energy. I also appreciate the recommendations you made on books and videos. I will be checking them out. I actually have one of the books on your list (the one by Elizabeth Kubler Ross) but I haven’t been able to motivate myself to read it. I guess I’m avoiding it since it’s so painful to think about, let alone read about. A few of the other books you listed are on my list to read as well, especially the one about the Doctor dying and coming back (my mom wants to read that one too) so that’s really encouraging. Anyway, thank you so much and take care. Sending you well wishes. 
 

[bereaveddaughter]

On 10/20/2020 at 1:57 AM, SPH said:

I lost my father very quickly and very unexpectedly to a two week battle with cancer last year, he was 66. I was 29 and 12 weeks pregnant with his first grandchild at the time. My dad was the most loving, compassionate, funny, hard working man you could have met and he was so excited to be a granddad. Since his passing I have struggled to come to terms with the fact that he never got to meet his grandson or see me become a mum. I still cry most days thinking about how he will never be around to see any of my life milestones and how I would do anything to speak to him one more time. I trick myself into thinking that perhaps there is more out there once this life has passed, to try give some solace to the fact we will never see him again and that he perhaps is watching down over us. 

I often feel angry that there are people still alive that aren’t half the good person my father was and feel that it is totally unfair. I am bitter that my mother has lost her world and still relatively young. They had their retirement planned together, seeing old people doing mundane tasks together as couples will bring tears to my eyes knowing my Mum will no longer get that. 

It has been over a year now, however it still feels like yesterday. And although the pain comes in waves, and I am lucky enough to see characteristics of my father show through in my 7 month old son. I really don’t think that anyone can ever ‘get over’ or ‘move on’ from losing a parent and unfortunately for us that loose parents whilst we are still young, we have longer to live without them.  One of the hardest things I’ve found is that friends who have not lost parents don’t understand it, and they move on and don’t realise the daily struggle that we have. At the beginning I mourned that my father wouldn’t be around to see big events, however as time passes I mourn the small things, like having a cup of coffee together, hearing his advice, his laugh but mostly I am gutted that he never met his grandson. 
 

As I was pregnant at the time of his passing, I had very heightened emotions already, intensified by grief and trying to navigate mourning whilst trying to be excited about the new life about to come into the world. It was and has been a very difficult space and I have found that writing a journal of the journey helped enormously. Occasionally I will read back to the darkest days and realise how far I have come, often when I feel that the grief is creeping back in and taking over. I would recommend a diary for anyone that navigating the death of a loved one. My heart breaks for anyone in a similar situation losing a good parent too soon. 

Dear SPH,

I can relate so much to what you have written. It feels like you have written down my story. I was 5 months pregnant(his first grand child), lost my father to cancer and I am the eldest of his children and was 26 when he passed away. Its been 10 months now and my baby is almost 7 months old. 

I feel the same way like you do, exactly the sameee.

[MadisonLock]

I am so sorry you had to experience loss so early in life and especially at a time where you depend on the support of loved ones. I lost my mom in July of 2017 to suicide, I had just turned 17 that May and was 1 year out from graduating high school. She was my biggest fan when it came to schooling, always encouraging me to go to college and do better than she did. It crushed me when I didn’t see her cheering for me at graduation. My sister & I found her and it sent me into a devastating spiral mentally & emotionally. I stayed in bed for what felt like months. I am 21 now, married, in college and having a baby in December. The pain hasn’t changed at all, I feel it differently then when I was 17. Not so much anger but disappointment, sadness & hopelessness. Knowing she won’t meet my husband, or baby or even see me graduate college, crushes my spirit. There was a song that came out that the first line says “I hate you for what you did, but I miss you like a little kid”, grief is a lot like a little kid missing their parent that isn’t too far away. Our loved ones are near us in many ways.