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Losing A Parent in Your 20s/Teens/Childhood


Paulinet Angela

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Paulinet Angela

I can imagine that losing a parent at any age is devastating, but I was wondering if there are any other children in their 20s here (or younger) who have also lost his/her mother or father, "too early"? I lost my father a month ago, I just turned 27. I only had one semester left to finish my Law degree, and I would have wanted him to be there on graduation day (he was so excited). In a kinder world, he would have been there on all the other future highlights of my life, like having him hold his future grandchildren, future travels, future holidays together. I am now left with deep regret that I took my time to pursue my goals, because now I won't be able to share my victories with him anymore. Of course, logically, no one could have predicted the way life has turned out thus far, but I still can't help but feel this way. Logic and emotions are on a constant battle within.

Truly, I am having a difficult time letting go of the life we should have had together. I am still in pure shock, and I struggle to find the point in any of this. He was always there to guide and support me, but now I feel like my life's compass is broken without him. 

If you're comfortable enough to share --

What's your story, and how are you overcoming it?

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Hi, I am 25 and a lawyer too and working corporate in house. All I can say is it sucks . I have no words. And I think it’s very hard to see all the major milestones being missed. I understand your feelings because those are mine too. People our age are not thinking these things and truly havent been there for me either. Thats why I read this website. I feel so alone

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Paulinet Angela
2 minutes ago, Zee24 said:

Hi, I am 25 and a lawyer too and working corporate in house. All I can say is it sucks . I have no words. And I think it’s very hard to see all the major milestones being missed. I understand your feelings because those are mine too. People our age are not thinking these things and truly havent been there for me either. Thats why I read this website. I feel so alone

I understand you completely. Grief can be very isolating. It's also hard because we are expected to "function" during the day. And I guess it helps that we are able to stay occupied, but at night I find myself back in square one whenever I'm alone with my thoughts. I want to be better, but there's also a sense of guilt that I'd "lose" him if I let the pain go, if that makes sense? Also, you can message me whenever if you want someone to talk to. Do you have a good support system? In my case, as much as I appreciate support from friends and relatives, I also feel like they could never understand my pain unless they've been through it. This website has helped me process my feelings. 

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I think its good to be able to distract yourself, in the beginning even simple things were beyond me. Even now, I find it really hard to do anything like office work with concentration. It just exhausts me. I am constantly searching for literature that can be a source of strength. I read the year of magical thinking by joan didion. It was very painful but it articulated my feelings. I didn’t reread it because it is very sad but I would strongly recommend it to you. 

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I turned 27 in July and my dad had just turned 50 in June. I lost him Sept. 2nd. Very unexpectedly and its been really hard.

 

He was my best friend. He was my main parent and always took care of me, well after he should have had to. Im actually on a layover with a bag of pictures i have to compile for his funeral after going to his viewing this past Sunday. Which was really horrible. It felt awful but I truly needed it for closure. I still dont know how to continue my life without him. I dont even want to because all of my happy moments are just dim without his cheesy smile. And friends my age dont understand or know what I'm going through because many of them can't even fathom losing their parents right now or even have to worry about it. 

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I also wanted to add that I understand the guilt of letting go. I know even he wouldn't want me to be sad at all knowing him, but I dont want to lose the feeling of how much I love him and I dont want to dull the hurt of losing him.

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I'm not in my teens but just wanted to let you know how deeply I feel your pain. And I can't imagine losing my father in my 20's. Regardless of age, when you lose a parent suddenly, the feeling is the most difficult I have ever experienced. I'm 42 and my dad was 64. I too think that people around us quickly forget what we are experiencing, and don't call or text much any more. It is an uncomfortable and heavy atmosphere for "them" and they don't know how to handle it. I'm not new to loss but this is by far the worst ever. I find myself in desperation, crying and sobbing uncontrollably for literally 2-3 hrs straight, and off and on the whole day. I wonder how my body is actually capable of producing so many tears. I feel your sorrow, your grief, your inner pain, that feeling you get in your chest and your throat when you think of your loved one. That feeling when you feel like you can't breathe....I too find myself wanting to call him and several times actually thought he was about to call ME, just to realize that will never happen. I don't talk about him much to others, only to my couple good friends, writing about it does seem to help. I hate fake "oh sorry" from others..."I'll pray for you". That does nothing. Just know none of you are alone, I believe my dad is with me...I feel more at peace when I go outside and listen to the nature around me, when I look at the sun and breathe fresh air. Hope you find some comfort in my words, even if it's minimal. Please feel free to respond.

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Paulinet Angela
17 hours ago, Zee24 said:

I think its good to be able to distract yourself, in the beginning even simple things were beyond me. Even now, I find it really hard to do anything like office work with concentration. It just exhausts me. I am constantly searching for literature that can be a source of strength. I read the year of magical thinking by joan didion. It was very painful but it articulated my feelings. I didn’t reread it because it is very sad but I would strongly recommend it to you. 

Yes, I'm also seeking comfort in literature. I saw that book by Joan Didion in one of the articles I read which recommended books that bereaved people should read, however, I hesitated on checking that out since I saw some reviews that said, for them, it was too specific for grieving spouses. Did you find it helpful for you though? I opted books that had a general view of grief instead. The ones that are also more medical in tone. I guess, whichever works.

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Paulinet Angela
14 hours ago, Lexllexi said:

I turned 27 in July and my dad had just turned 50 in June. I lost him Sept. 2nd. Very unexpectedly and its been really hard.

 

He was my best friend. He was my main parent and always took care of me, well after he should have had to. Im actually on a layover with a bag of pictures i have to compile for his funeral after going to his viewing this past Sunday. Which was really horrible. It felt awful but I truly needed it for closure. I still dont know how to continue my life without him. I dont even want to because all of my happy moments are just dim without his cheesy smile. And friends my age dont understand or know what I'm going through because many of them can't even fathom losing their parents right now or even have to worry about it. 

I understand you completely. My dad was my main person as well. He raised me as a single-parent when him and my mom divorced when I was six. We were a team, we conquered everything together. When I turned 18 and went to college, he gave me independence but still remained to give me the support that I needed. He said he would always be there until I "complete" my wings. Even in my 20s, I was still his big baby. I guess I still am, and will forever be. I've already been living in a different city for almost a decade now, while he lived with my step-mother (he found love in 2014 again, they married) and that union brought a little sister in my life, she's 5-years old now. Through all the pain, I still try to be grateful that in the last years of his life, he was at his happiest, because he was still able to grow our little family at that age. And that even though I was away, and I know that brought him pain, he was still with people that he loved. Was your dad also surrounded by family when it happened?

Honestly now, I can't imagine the holidays without him. My dad also had a cheerful and radiant presence, much like yours. Just thinking about it breaks my heart. I also know how you feel, that friends our age can't understand us unless they've been through this already. I have several friends who have lost a parent, and they've been helpful. But most of them, fortunately, still have a complete unit. I try not to think of it as neglect, but probably a gap in communication. Some of those friends have openly said they don't know what to say, and I don't take it against them. I think people in their 20s have this illusion that these losses won't happen to us anytime soon, that we're going to encounter this pain in our 40s or 50s. I had that illusion, so now I am shattered, and I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time. I'm just trying to function without having to access my emotions, out of fear that I will burst at any moment. How is life treating you now? I hope it has been kinder since your dad passed. Our losses are quite recent, so I hope you forgive yourself for being overwhelmed by everything. Please message me whenever if you need someone to talk to. @Lexllexi

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Paulinet Angela
9 hours ago, DragiTata said:

I'm not in my teens but just wanted to let you know how deeply I feel your pain. And I can't imagine losing my father in my 20's. Regardless of age, when you lose a parent suddenly, the feeling is the most difficult I have ever experienced. I'm 42 and my dad was 64. I too think that people around us quickly forget what we are experiencing, and don't call or text much any more. It is an uncomfortable and heavy atmosphere for "them" and they don't know how to handle it. I'm not new to loss but this is by far the worst ever. I find myself in desperation, crying and sobbing uncontrollably for literally 2-3 hrs straight, and off and on the whole day. I wonder how my body is actually capable of producing so many tears. I feel your sorrow, your grief, your inner pain, that feeling you get in your chest and your throat when you think of your loved one. That feeling when you feel like you can't breathe....I too find myself wanting to call him and several times actually thought he was about to call ME, just to realize that will never happen. I don't talk about him much to others, only to my couple good friends, writing about it does seem to help. I hate fake "oh sorry" from others..."I'll pray for you". That does nothing. Just know none of you are alone, I believe my dad is with me...I feel more at peace when I go outside and listen to the nature around me, when I look at the sun and breathe fresh air. Hope you find some comfort in my words, even if it's minimal. Please feel free to respond.

Thank you for this perspective, @DragiTata. Yes, it's true that regardless of age, it would always hurt. The time we had spent with them will never be enough in any circumstance. I could relate to the desperation, of being reminded that he's gone and breaking down at the thought of it for hours when you're alone, when everyone is already asleep. I also dread waking up every morning now, because I remember that he's no longer here with us, and it's hard, like a sharp blow in the chest. We're all just trying to find peace, and I'm glad we found each other here. Writing does help, and having other people acknowledge this shared misery makes me feel less alone. 

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37 minutes ago, Paulinet Angela said:

Yes, I'm also seeking comfort in literature. I saw that book by Joan Didion in one of the articles I read which recommended books that bereaved people should read, however, I hesitated on checking that out since I saw some reviews that said, for them, it was too specific for grieving spouses. Did you find it helpful for you though? I opted books that had a general view of grief instead. The ones that are also more medical in tone. I guess, whichever works.

Yes it was very painful. I cant say it was helpful but she said the things that I am thinking and know. I was not able to reread it because I didn’t derive strength from it but if you are mad with grief, its the kind of book that makes sense. 

also, do share recommendations for any articles or books that you think should be read at a time like this. I used to read along with reeses book club and now I just feel so shattered that I cant read anything light again.

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Paulinet Angela
1 hour ago, Zee24 said:

Yes it was very painful. I cant say it was helpful but she said the things that I am thinking and know. I was not able to reread it because I didn’t derive strength from it but if you are mad with grief, its the kind of book that makes sense. 

also, do share recommendations for any articles or books that you think should be read at a time like this. I used to read along with reeses book club and now I just feel so shattered that I cant read anything light again.

These are the titles that I acquired, but I haven't started reading most of them yet, although they appear promising:

1) Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Joanne Cacciatore, PhD (This was highly-recommended)

2) On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD and David Kessler (I think this book came from the same author who introduced, decades ago, the different "stages" of grief to the public)

3) God and the Afterlife: The Groundbreaking New Evidence for God and Near-Death Experience by Jeffrey Long, MD and Paul Perry. (I've finished almost a third of this book, and it discusses a lot of statistics as to the probability of God's existence and the afterlife through examining thousands of cases of near-death experiences. It's interesting because they also included testimonials from atheists. I like the medical approach) 

4) Dying to Wake Up: A Doctor's Voyage into the Afterlife and the Wisdom He Brought Back by Rajiv Parti, MD and Paul Perry.

5) Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon's Journey into the Afterlife by Eben Alexander, MD (This particular case became viral in the 2000s-2010s because the author is a Harvard-educated neurosurgeon who suffered severe brain damage. He claims that he went to the afterlife, and his critics have countered that it might just be a hallucination. But this doctor explained that there should be zero brain activity because of his condition, so his book explores that)

6) Erasing Death: The Science that is Rewriting the Boundaries Between Life and Death by Sam Parnia, MD. 

And I watch a lot of TEDTalks too. Some videos I keep on a playlist so I can access them anytime. 

I watch this over and over whenever I'm inconsolable: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztnn8W4qE2o&list=WL&index=14&t=196s

I watch this whenever I feel hopeless: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GDTbtePHUU&list=WL&index=20&t=0s

I watch this whenever I want to transform my pain into power: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNwKV_Rk-TU&list=WL&index=19&t=0s

I watch this because of its dark and honest humor: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khkJkR-ipfw

I hope these could help you too, and other people who might also read this thread. All the best.

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2 hours ago, Paulinet Angela said:

These are the titles that I acquired, but I haven't started reading most of them yet, although they appear promising:

1) Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Joanne Cacciatore, PhD (This was highly-recommended)

2) On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD and David Kessler (I think this book came from the same author who introduced, decades ago, the different "stages" of grief to the public)

3) God and the Afterlife: The Groundbreaking New Evidence for God and Near-Death Experience by Jeffrey Long, MD and Paul Perry. (I've finished almost a third of this book, and it discusses a lot of statistics as to the probability of God's existence and the afterlife through examining thousands of cases of near-death experiences. It's interesting because they also included testimonials from atheists. I like the medical approach) 

4) Dying to Wake Up: A Doctor's Voyage into the Afterlife and the Wisdom He Brought Back by Rajiv Parti, MD and Paul Perry.

5) Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon's Journey into the Afterlife by Eben Alexander, MD (This particular case became viral in the 2000s-2010s because the author is a Harvard-educated neurosurgeon who suffered severe brain damage. He claims that he went to the afterlife, and his critics have countered that it might just be a hallucination. But this doctor explained that there should be zero brain activity because of his condition, so his book explores that)

6) Erasing Death: The Science that is Rewriting the Boundaries Between Life and Death by Sam Parnia, MD. 

And I watch a lot of TEDTalks too. Some videos I keep on a playlist so I can access them anytime. 

I watch this over and over whenever I'm inconsolable: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztnn8W4qE2o&list=WL&index=14&t=196s

I watch this whenever I feel hopeless: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GDTbtePHUU&list=WL&index=20&t=0s

I watch this whenever I want to transform my pain into power: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNwKV_Rk-TU&list=WL&index=19&t=0s

I watch this because of its dark and honest humor: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khkJkR-ipfw

I hope these could help you too, and other people who might also read this thread. All the best.

I will check these out, thanks so much. 

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TiredofPretending

Paulinet,

I'm so sorry for your loss... it's never easy, but you seem to be getting through it, evidenced by the resources you're sharing. Seriously, good job on a healthy way to cope.

As for me, my brother passed when I was very young, and he was kind of the father figure in my life at the time. I was about 5, so they were some of my first memories. I didn't start experiencing intense depression/grief until I was in high school. To get through this loss, I can honestly say that consistent therapy helped the most. The other thing that I did to provide a lot of closure was releasing an album that went through the stages of grief in my own way. It's possible that the act of thinking about the stages of grief and conveying them through art helped me find my own closure. Maybe you could do something similar with something you're passionate about?

I know that you also mentioned struggling with going through life achievements without your dad. That stings me too, even after 20 years. I sometimes think about how my brother would help me here or there, give me dating advice, etc., but I sort of realized that by being close to him, the decisions I make are subtly influenced by his impact on my growth. In a way, he is still with me in everything I do. I guess that gives me peace, so maybe that thought process can help you too. 

On a separate note, I'm back on this forum because recently my mom passed, and she helped me get through my brothers death... So I've found that I've been struggling to manage my vices after my mom died, and it's kind of a crazy ride. Do you have any experience managing vices or have any advice? I've found that setting goals for myself and coming up with alternative solutions (like soda water, lime and bitters instead of a beer) has been helpful. 

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Paulinet Angela
8 hours ago, Rob N. said:

Paulinet,

I'm so sorry for your loss... it's never easy, but you seem to be getting through it, evidenced by the resources you're sharing. Seriously, good job on a healthy way to cope.

As for me, my brother passed when I was very young, and he was kind of the father figure in my life at the time. I was about 5, so they were some of my first memories. I didn't start experiencing intense depression/grief until I was in high school. To get through this loss, I can honestly say that consistent therapy helped the most. The other thing that I did to provide a lot of closure was releasing an album that went through the stages of grief in my own way. It's possible that the act of thinking about the stages of grief and conveying them through art helped me find my own closure. Maybe you could do something similar with something you're passionate about?

I know that you also mentioned struggling with going through life achievements without your dad. That stings me too, even after 20 years. I sometimes think about how my brother would help me here or there, give me dating advice, etc., but I sort of realized that by being close to him, the decisions I make are subtly influenced by his impact on my growth. In a way, he is still with me in everything I do. I guess that gives me peace, so maybe that thought process can help you too. 

On a separate note, I'm back on this forum because recently my mom passed, and she helped me get through my brothers death... So I've found that I've been struggling to manage my vices after my mom died, and it's kind of a crazy ride. Do you have any experience managing vices or have any advice? I've found that setting goals for myself and coming up with alternative solutions (like soda water, lime and bitters instead of a beer) has been helpful. 

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother, @Rob N.. I'm not a stranger to grief also, however, this one hits the hardest. Every experience is different, as you also found out. Your brother sounds admirable, my heart goes out to you that you lost him at such a young age. And it's good to have a positive role model to look up to. Both him and your mother would be your guiding light. My plan now is to live my life in my dad's honor, and in every spiral that I find myself these days, I take a step back and ask if he would have wanted this life of misery for me. Grief leads to many paths. Maybe you should consider that too if you find yourself in a dark place.

Unfortunately, I do have vices. I occasionally drink and I used to smoke to relieve stress. It's self-destructive, I know, and I'm determined to quit entirely, even though it's very tempting to resort to those habits during these times. My father's sickness involved the liver, and the lung. So there really was no internal debate in deciding to quit. I might indulge myself in wine on special occasions, but I'm no longer interested with the rest of it. As straightforward as this might sound, I feel like the only way to control it is to be self-aware with one's own mortality. 

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I lost a parent very early too, I was in my late 20s. The pain doesn’t go away, but you get better in dealing with it... Life will take over, as it always does..

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On 9/25/2020 at 2:36 PM, HopefulHeart said:

I lost a parent very early too, I was in my late 20s. The pain doesn’t go away, but you get better in dealing with it... Life will take over, as it always does..

Dealing with it, hiding it. Cloaking your sadness. Carrying it with you. 
It forces you to grow up very quickly. Most days, it still feels unreal and you want to scream from the pain and anguish. I literally cant take more than one day at a time, its so hard for me. It just seems like suffering with no end and carrying the suffering with you. It sets you apart from the world too. Like you feel a line has been drawn. 

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I'm in my late 30's but I lost my mother when I was 3 and my father at 16. I compartmentalized the loss and grew up way to fast.  I am on this website to connect to others who have unfortunately had similar experiences.   

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Paulinet Angela
On 9/28/2020 at 5:14 AM, Tiedye2020 said:

I'm in my late 30's but I lost my mother when I was 3 and my father at 16. I compartmentalized the loss and grew up way to fast.  I am on this website to connect to others who have unfortunately had similar experiences.   

I’m so sorry to hear this, @Tiedye2020. Losing both at such a young age must have been so difficult, I have no words. I have a problematic relationship with my mother, she left when I was six years old. That forced me to grow up also. And yes, I guess we’re all here seeking some form of comfort as we find people who have gone through the same thing. I hope the world has been kinder to you.

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Thank you so much for your kind words.  I’m sorry to hear about your unfortunate childhood experiences as well. Life is difficult but we always find ways to persevere. 

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I lost my dad in 2014, I was 14 years old. What you said struck close to home. I sometimes feel like I have been robbed of so much time with him. That it wasn't fair that he left so soon. I lost my grandpa (his Dad) recently as I am about to graduate college. I too feel guilty at times for spending so much of my time on school, not with him before he passed. But the truth is is life is unpredictable.

Since it has been a while since my dad passed, I have had time to digest it. As time moves on, you are reminded of them less and less, but your feelings are still very real. I think accepting it was the hardest thing for me. Once you can accept what has happened, and that it is completely out of your hands, you can truly start to heal. Surround yourself with people who love you. It is always good to cry. Sometimes you just need to set aside time to remember them and be emotional. Never ever apologize or feel bad for how you are grieving. Some people won't understand, but that's okay. They don't have to.

I found myself on this forum trying to find people to relate to. Losing a parent at a young age is confusing and not easy to deal with. But don't ever feel alone, all of us are here ;)

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Paulinet Angela
On 10/12/2020 at 8:05 AM, Paige said:

I lost my dad in 2014, I was 14 years old. What you said struck close to home. I sometimes feel like I have been robbed of so much time with him. That it wasn't fair that he left so soon. I lost my grandpa (his Dad) recently as I am about to graduate college. I too feel guilty at times for spending so much of my time on school, not with him before he passed. But the truth is is life is unpredictable.

Since it has been a while since my dad passed, I have had time to digest it. As time moves on, you are reminded of them less and less, but your feelings are still very real. I think accepting it was the hardest thing for me. Once you can accept what has happened, and that it is completely out of your hands, you can truly start to heal. Surround yourself with people who love you. It is always good to cry. Sometimes you just need to set aside time to remember them and be emotional. Never ever apologize or feel bad for how you are grieving. Some people won't understand, but that's okay. They don't have to.

I found myself on this forum trying to find people to relate to. Losing a parent at a young age is confusing and not easy to deal with. But don't ever feel alone, all of us are here ;)

Hello, @Paige. I’m so sorry you lost your dad so early, and your grandfather just recently. I was very close to both of mine, so I truly understand. I lost my grandfather in high school, and my dad this year. Both losses happened when I’m at a crossroads, when significant things in my life needed to be sorted out and I needed their guidance the most. I still do. And I’m certain that if they had a choice, they would’ve preferred to stay and help us navigate, but this is our reality now. I feel robbed as well.

Knowing that things are beyond our control is probably the most painful thing to discover throughout this process, next to the actual absence of the one we lost and the deafening silence that comes with it. There are days when I would think that none of it matters, but I remind myself that (to borrow from an iconic poem), “life is real, life is earnest, and the grave is not its goal”. So moving forward, we must live the life that we deserve, the life that they imagined for us to have, as painful as it is to not have them in it anymore. And yes, we’re not alone. You can message me anytime if you want to talk. We’re all just doing our best to cope and deal.

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I’m sorry for your loss. I’m 20 and I just lost my dad less than a week ago. I never took him for granted but it’s still sad to think that he’s gone. He’s REALLY gone and he’s not coming back. Gosh. I hadn’t met him for a year before I got the news that he was sick, and I flew out to be with him for 3 days. After that I just checked in on him every day through text. I even ordered food for him in the hospital. I was overcome with anxiety every time he took too long to get back to me.

 

Then I didn’t hear from him in 3 days. My heart kept sinking. My aunt told me to keep praying for him, and that’s when my heart sank the lowest. My whole body went cold with the realization that I really could lose him. Two ish days after she said that, he passed away. She called me on the phone crying. I’d just woken up and didn’t process it right away. So in the beginning of September I got a call saying that he was sick, and beginning of October I got a call about his death. It’s just been a crappy year all around.

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Paulinet Angela
4 hours ago, Nabiila A A said:

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m 20 and I just lost my dad less than a week ago. I never took him for granted but it’s still sad to think that he’s gone. He’s REALLY gone and he’s not coming back. Gosh. I hadn’t met him for a year before I got the news that he was sick, and I flew out to be with him for 3 days. After that I just checked in on him every day through text. I even ordered food for him in the hospital. I was overcome with anxiety every time he took too long to get back to me.

 

Then I didn’t hear from him in 3 days. My heart kept sinking. My aunt told me to keep praying for him, and that’s when my heart sank the lowest. My whole body went cold with the realization that I really could lose him. Two ish days after she said that, he passed away. She called me on the phone crying. I’d just woken up and didn’t process it right away. So in the beginning of September I got a call saying that he was sick, and beginning of October I got a call about his death. It’s just been a crappy year all around.

I’m sorry, @Nabiila A A. The grueling anticipation of the worst possible thing is enough to drive someone insane. I experienced that too when we got the diagnosis, it was so horrible. I remember everyday just pleading that I could freeze time, even though I knew there’s nothing I can do or could have done. Barely 2 weeks after the hospital visit, he passed on. It’s simply not in our hands. Your loss is very raw and new. The initial shock will now wear off as you come to realize the kind of life that awaits you without him. You will experience all the emotions, even those you didn’t even know you could feel, sometimes all at once. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I haven’t reached that point yet myself. But what I could tell you is that having someone that you could call or write to helps a lot. Please know that you’re not alone in this, and take care of yourself.

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Hi. I'm 28 and I lost both my parents in my twenties. My mom when I was 24, and my father when I was 27. Both of them died suddenly. It's really hard. And I feel lonely, because none of my friends have gone through anything similar to me, and my other relatives seem to have moved on with their lives and never call or text to see if I'm ok.

So I guess I'm looking for someone to share experiences with.

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Paulinet Angela

I’m sorry that you found yourself on this website also, @MonicaH. None of us wanted to be here, and yet here we are. My dad raised me by himself, and my mother has always been out of the picture ever since I was little. So, even if I’m surrounded by people, I feel so lonely. When I wake up, I’d always need to remind myself that he’s no longer here — my protector, my provider, the person who loved me the most in this world. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. 

I read somewhere that when a child loses his/her parent/s prematurely, we don’t just grieve the loss of them. We’re also grieving the loss of (1) our child self who had them, (2) our safety net and security, and (3) our sense of “belonging to someone”. And it’s true. I still can’t believe that I’m left to discover life on my own now. Please know that you can share on this thread any time, your thoughts, insights, and feelings. We’re here for you.

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It is a very difficult experience to go through in your twenties and so alienating. I am sorry monica that your relatives dont check up on you, thats so hurtful. It makes a person feel even more lonely. I agree with Paulinet, keep sharing your feelings and thoughts here. Only people who have walked in these shoes can understand and empathise. 

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I lost my father very quickly and very unexpectedly to a two week battle with cancer last year, he was 66. I was 29 and 12 weeks pregnant with his first grandchild at the time. My dad was the most loving, compassionate, funny, hard working man you could have met and he was so excited to be a granddad. Since his passing I have struggled to come to terms with the fact that he never got to meet his grandson or see me become a mum. I still cry most days thinking about how he will never be around to see any of my life milestones and how I would do anything to speak to him one more time. I trick myself into thinking that perhaps there is more out there once this life has passed, to try give some solace to the fact we will never see him again and that he perhaps is watching down over us. 

I often feel angry that there are people still alive that aren’t half the good person my father was and feel that it is totally unfair. I am bitter that my mother has lost her world and still relatively young. They had their retirement planned together, seeing old people doing mundane tasks together as couples will bring tears to my eyes knowing my Mum will no longer get that. 

It has been over a year now, however it still feels like yesterday. And although the pain comes in waves, and I am lucky enough to see characteristics of my father show through in my 7 month old son. I really don’t think that anyone can ever ‘get over’ or ‘move on’ from losing a parent and unfortunately for us that loose parents whilst we are still young, we have longer to live without them.  One of the hardest things I’ve found is that friends who have not lost parents don’t understand it, and they move on and don’t realise the daily struggle that we have. At the beginning I mourned that my father wouldn’t be around to see big events, however as time passes I mourn the small things, like having a cup of coffee together, hearing his advice, his laugh but mostly I am gutted that he never met his grandson. 
 

As I was pregnant at the time of his passing, I had very heightened emotions already, intensified by grief and trying to navigate mourning whilst trying to be excited about the new life about to come into the world. It was and has been a very difficult space and I have found that writing a journal of the journey helped enormously. Occasionally I will read back to the darkest days and realise how far I have come, often when I feel that the grief is creeping back in and taking over. I would recommend a diary for anyone that navigating the death of a loved one. My heart breaks for anyone in a similar situation losing a good parent too soon. 

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You have articulated my feelings SPH. I think that is such a shared part of our grief as young adults, there are so many things that will never be shared. That in itself is so painful. 

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On 10/20/2020 at 5:57 AM, SPH said:

I lost my father very quickly and very unexpectedly to a two week battle with cancer last year, he was 66. I was 29 and 12 weeks pregnant with his first grandchild at the time. My dad was the most loving, compassionate, funny, hard working man you could have met and he was so excited to be a granddad. Since his passing I have struggled to come to terms with the fact that he never got to meet his grandson or see me become a mum. I still cry most days thinking about how he will never be around to see any of my life milestones and how I would do anything to speak to him one more time. I trick myself into thinking that perhaps there is more out there once this life has passed, to try give some solace to the fact we will never see him again and that he perhaps is watching down over us. 

I often feel angry that there are people still alive that aren’t half the good person my father was and feel that it is totally unfair. I am bitter that my mother has lost her world and still relatively young. They had their retirement planned together, seeing old people doing mundane tasks together as couples will bring tears to my eyes knowing my Mum will no longer get that. 

It has been over a year now, however it still feels like yesterday. And although the pain comes in waves, and I am lucky enough to see characteristics of my father show through in my 7 month old son. I really don’t think that anyone can ever ‘get over’ or ‘move on’ from losing a parent and unfortunately for us that loose parents whilst we are still young, we have longer to live without them.  One of the hardest things I’ve found is that friends who have not lost parents don’t understand it, and they move on and don’t realise the daily struggle that we have. At the beginning I mourned that my father wouldn’t be around to see big events, however as time passes I mourn the small things, like having a cup of coffee together, hearing his advice, his laugh but mostly I am gutted that he never met his grandson. 
 

As I was pregnant at the time of his passing, I had very heightened emotions already, intensified by grief and trying to navigate mourning whilst trying to be excited about the new life about to come into the world. It was and has been a very difficult space and I have found that writing a journal of the journey helped enormously. Occasionally I will read back to the darkest days and realise how far I have come, often when I feel that the grief is creeping back in and taking over. I would recommend a diary for anyone that navigating the death of a loved one. My heart breaks for anyone in a similar situation losing a good parent too soon. 

My father had a 2-week battle with cancer too. I’m still traumatized by it. I think I haven’t processed it enough, even though I’ve been wrecking up my brain everyday. 
 

I’m so sorry, @SPH. I couldn’t imagine what you’ve gone through, being pregnant while in mourning. You are so brave to have faced that and pulled through for your baby, even though your “inner child” was terrified and vulnerable, having lost your own parent. We have a saying in our culture that basically says that you could never truly know how much your parents love you until you have children of your own. I think it rings true for everyone. So, I hope that at that moment when you met your lovely child, you finally understood what we meant to our fathers, and that love overwhelmed you as it transcended across time and space. That’s what I think about right now, how this bond could never be severed, not even by death.

We ARE still their daughters, ever-present, never in the past tense. Because I think that’s where all the hurt comes from, in thinking that we “lost” someone, but I try to reframe it and think that he’s just in another place (frankly, I’m not even religious, I’m still trying to convince and educate myself about the existence of the ‘soul’ and the spiritual plane), but the love will remain. Of course, it hurts everyday to not have them by our side, the little things give me deep sorrow too. But I guess, we’d just have to learn how to carry on and live the lives they imagined for us while we’re still here. Keep sharing your insights here, @SPH. I wish you and your baby all the best.

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My dad (49) died last Sunday very suddenly and very randomly. Slipped and fell, bad spine/neck injury. I'm 24 and I'm completely heartbroken. Still in denial, still in shock. Just want him to call me again to tell me a funny story. He used to tell me them all the time... I've forgotten them all now, among the horror. All I remember is that he was very good at making me (and others) laugh and feel good.

He was unwell in unrelated ways, and I was vaguely preparing myself for this, but I honestly expected at least another year or two with him, if not 10. 

Really don't feel OK at all. He left so much unfinished and unprepared. 

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8 hours ago, sunflower_79 said:

My dad (49) died last Sunday very suddenly and very randomly. Slipped and fell, bad spine/neck injury. I'm 24 and I'm completely heartbroken. Still in denial, still in shock. Just want him to call me again to tell me a funny story. He used to tell me them all the time... I've forgotten them all now, among the horror. All I remember is that he was very good at making me (and others) laugh and feel good.

He was unwell in unrelated ways, and I was vaguely preparing myself for this, but I honestly expected at least another year or two with him, if not 10. 

Really don't feel OK at all. He left so much unfinished and unprepared. 

Very sorry for your loss, @sunflower_79. That was really so sudden, and unexpected. Life is too fragile. I could relate to this: “I’ve forgotten them all now, among the horror.” I read somewhere that our brain produces what’s somewhat an ‘emotional anesthesia’ as a defense mechanism, so we wouldn’t be flooded by emotions and memories all at once. It’s said to soften the blow of the trauma, although to be honest, it definitely doesn’t feel like much is softened. You’re still in a haze, and I am too, since I’m not that far from you in my grief. I could say that sometimes I choose not to remember because it’s so painful. It took me weeks before I could watch videos of my father, because I couldn’t accept that I won’t be able to see him in person anymore. He also was the ultimate joker. We shared the same humor. Now the house feels so lonely. Another thing I learned so far in this process is that we don’t just mourn the absence but also the lost potential. Your father was 49? I’m so sorry. Indeed, there could’ve been more time. Regrettably, the years we imagined that we’d still have with them, somewhere along this grief, we need to learn how to let those go. I still can’t do it myself though. I think, at the back of our minds, we always knew the clock was ticking, but like any good parent-child relationship, we still hoped for more time. There’s also this recurring thought that gnaws on my sanity that he deserved a ‘better’ death. Do you also think about that too? 

Please don’t hesitate to reach out @sunflower_79, I hope you can somehow get a bit of comfort from this thread, that’s all I wish for anyone who’s reading this. It takes courage to tell your story because sometimes the loss is unspeakable. But I believe that this could be a way to heal.

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I just want to say that I always come back to this thread whenever I want to feel less alone... I still can’t talk about what happened but in time I hope I will.. you are all so brave... thank you

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On 9/15/2020 at 10:50 PM, Paulinet Angela said:

I can imagine that losing a parent at any age is devastating, but I was wondering if there are any other children in their 20s here (or younger) who have also lost his/her mother or father, "too early"? I lost my father a month ago, I just turned 27. I only had one semester left to finish my Law degree, and I would have wanted him to be there on graduation day (he was so excited). In a kinder world, he would have been there on all the other future highlights of my life, like having him hold his future grandchildren, future travels, future holidays together. I am now left with deep regret that I took my time to pursue my goals, because now I won't be able to share my victories with him anymore. Of course, logically, no one could have predicted the way life has turned out thus far, but I still can't help but feel this way. Logic and emotions are on a constant battle within.

Truly, I am having a difficult time letting go of the life we should have had together. I am still in pure shock, and I struggle to find the point in any of this. He was always there to guide and support me, but now I feel like my life's compass is broken without him. 

If you're comfortable enough to share --

What's your story, and how are you overcoming it?

I lost my mother less than a month ago, and I'm only 21. I'm completely devastated, because it was so sudden and unexpected. I feel like my life has just been thrown to the wind, I have no idea where to go from here. I think about her every second of every day, and it hasn't gotten easier because time has no meaning anymore

It's hard to lose a parent any time, but being in my 20s, I need my mom now more than ever. It sucks that so many people are going through something similar. Like you said, we'll get through this together

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Hey, im sorry to hear about your father. May he rest in peace. Im sure hes in a better place now.

 

Im 28, I lost my mother to cancer 1 week ago. My mom had cancer from 2010, and I was with her in every doctor appointment, slept next her to her when she had to be put in hospital etc. She died in my hands when I told her to rest and everything will be alright, I miss her so much and its really painful, my mom was my everything.

 

Take care 

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Paulinet Angela
On 10/26/2020 at 10:24 PM, Nayana said:

I lost my mother less than a month ago, and I'm only 21. I'm completely devastated, because it was so sudden and unexpected. I feel like my life has just been thrown to the wind, I have no idea where to go from here. I think about her every second of every day, and it hasn't gotten easier because time has no meaning anymore

It's hard to lose a parent any time, but being in my 20s, I need my mom now more than ever. It sucks that so many people are going through something similar. Like you said, we'll get through this together

I hear you, @Nayana. Sudden loss is so painful. Sometimes, I feel like I’m going out of my mind. One moment I’m fine, having a firm grip of things, then very emotional the next. I know the process is non-linear, and that we’d be going in and out of the stages, probably for the rest of our lives. It's actually a surreal experience to think that nothing will ever be the same again, that things are in flux, but it also feels like we're frozen in time, forced to watch the people around us as time passes by. It doesn't make sense.

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On 10/29/2020 at 7:14 AM, gassi said:

Hey, im sorry to hear about your father. May he rest in peace. Im sure hes in a better place now.

 

Im 28, I lost my mother to cancer 1 week ago. My mom had cancer from 2010, and I was with her in every doctor appointment, slept next her to her when she had to be put in hospital etc. She died in my hands when I told her to rest and everything will be alright, I miss her so much and its really painful, my mom was my everything.

 

Take care 

I'm sorry to hear about your mother as well, @gassi. Cancer is merciless. I know that there is always this feeling that we could have done more, but it was simply out of our hands. I'm sorry that you went through both anticipatory, and actual grief. I can't imagine. As you navigate through the pain and sleepless nights, I offer you this gentle reminder that I realized during one of my darkest periods: We are blessed to have someone who invested in our lives and never wanted anything in return but to see us succeed in the things we do. Now, it is up to us to create the life we want. We received the help we needed to kick start our careers, the knowledge we have gained from them and whatever else they have left behind. I always felt I had a barrier, but now that my father is gone, everything is very real and whatever action I decide to take, I must deal directly with the consequences, and that is something I am still wrapping my mind around. I think it’s bittersweet to find people who are grappling with the same reality.

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23 hours ago, HopefulHeart said:

My heart just aches constantly.. I miss my dad so much.. The world is so terrifying without him in it..

I miss mine so much too </3

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I found this page because of a book I read called “ It’s okay that you’re not okay” by Megan Devine. I lost my dad a month ago now. And my grandma 2 weeks after. I am 18 years old. My dad had been sick since I was 5 with tumours and over time they just went all over his body. The doctors thought he would have lost his legs the following year he got diagnosed. My dad was walking up until his death, with a cane of course but he was walking. I found my father, my best-friend and in that moment I felt a part of me die. I was screaming in pain when I found him. It was such a horrible sight. And I will never get that image out of my mind. My parents split up when I was 14 so he was living alone and I took care of him for 4 years. The toxicology report came back 2 days ago and it was because of the tumours... The doctors say they are surprised how long he lived being in his condition. I knew one day I would find my dad but not like that.. my heart is broken. I know what you mean when you say they will never get to see you do anything in life or get to see your child grow. I’m thankful my dad got to see me graduate in June 2020... I know and you should know they will always be looking down on you and what your doing. There with you.always. My dad was literally the only person I felt I had a connection to. We were so alike, he taught me everything I know. I feel so alone without him I miss him so much. I know he’s not in pain anymore.. I hated seeing him like that... I just really miss him.. 

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23 hours ago, manda2525 said:

I found this page because of a book I read called “ It’s okay that you’re not okay” by Megan Devine. I lost my dad a month ago now. And my grandma 2 weeks after. I am 18 years old. My dad had been sick since I was 5 with tumours and over time they just went all over his body. The doctors thought he would have lost his legs the following year he got diagnosed. My dad was walking up until his death, with a cane of course but he was walking. I found my father, my best-friend and in that moment I felt a part of me die. I was screaming in pain when I found him. It was such a horrible sight. And I will never get that image out of my mind. My parents split up when I was 14 so he was living alone and I took care of him for 4 years. The toxicology report came back 2 days ago and it was because of the tumours... The doctors say they are surprised how long he lived being in his condition. I knew one day I would find my dad but not like that.. my heart is broken. I know what you mean when you say they will never get to see you do anything in life or get to see your child grow. I’m thankful my dad got to see me graduate in June 2020... I know and you should know they will always be looking down on you and what your doing. There with you.always. My dad was literally the only person I felt I had a connection to. We were so alike, he taught me everything I know. I feel so alone without him I miss him so much. I know he’s not in pain anymore.. I hated seeing him like that... I just really miss him.. 

I’m so sorry for your losses, @manda2525. It’s not easy dealing with a significant loss, let alone two. From what you said, the strength of your father was truly admirable. He must have held on for that long for you. How lovely that he was able to witness your graduation before he passed. 
 

You’re 18? You still have so many things to experience in this world, both pain and bliss. Your loved ones will always be there, their wisdom and love will stay with you. I know it’s scary, to be honest, I’m quite terrified myself. But this is our path to take, unfortunately. Please reach out whenever you need someone to talk to.

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1 hour ago, Paulinet Angela said:

I’m so sorry for your losses, @manda2525. It’s not easy dealing with a significant loss, let alone two. From what you said, the strength of your father was truly admirable. He must have held on for that long for you. How lovely that he was able to witness your graduation before he passed. 
 

You’re 18? You still have so many things to experience in this world, both pain and bliss. Your loved ones will always be there, their wisdom and love will stay with you. I know it’s scary, to be honest, I’m quite terrified myself. But this is our path to take, unfortunately. Please reach out whenever you need someone to talk to.

Thank you, I’m so sorry for you loss as well! Yes I am 18 never thought I’d lose my dad this young. I’m glad I found this group.. I appreciate that I can reach out to you. Unfortunately I do not have much people around me to talk to about this kind of stuff. That truly know what I’m going through. It’s nice to know others are going through the same pain and I am not alone in the world 

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Paulinet Angela

I think all of us never imagined that such a loss could happen at this period of our lives, we hoped that we would have more time. I get it @manda2525, it will never be enough.

And yes, it’s a relief to know that there are people out there who could empathize with what we’re going through, instead of empty words and pity. We empower each other here.

Do you have something to keep you busy? Work? Further studies?

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2 hours ago, Paulinet Angela said:

I think all of us never imagined that such a loss could happen at this period of our lives, we hoped that we would have more time. I get it @manda2525, it will never be enough.

And yes, it’s a relief to know that there are people out there who could empathize with what we’re going through, instead of empty words and pity. We empower each other here.

Do you have something to keep you busy? Work? Further studies?

I currently lost my job and I’m not in school.. so no but I’ve been painting to keep me busy.or cooking and cleaning my place..   it sure is a relief to know! N hear others story’s! Your story really helped! 

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On 11/18/2020 at 10:02 PM, HopefulHeart said:

How can life go on?.. I don't know how.. Pls share insights as a young adult :'(

I don't think anyone here truly knows how, @HopefulHeart. There is no manual. Unfortunately, it is something that we all discover on our own, each of our situations is unique and unlike anything we've ever experienced. I read this before: "You don't heal from the loss of a loved one because time passes; you heal because of what you do with the time. Expecting time alone to heal our grief is kind of like expecting time alone to get us in shape. It's not going to happen. Grief work is for today, tomorrow, the next day, ad infinitum." So far, what has been healing me are books, online communities, and videos on Youtube of people who have shared their losses. I hope you find what comforts you.

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Can we make a separate support group just for people like us (who've lost a parent in their 20s)? Like on some form of social media. Grief is isolating as it is, but it's so hard when you're surrounded by friends and family who don't know what you're going through. A group where we can communicate with each other whenever we want

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