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It's Ok That You're Not Ok by Megan Devine


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StillAlive

I started reading this book and I can't tell you how much it helped me. Its helped me realize how the world sees grief when they can't possibly begin to understand. Its helped me take some of the pressure off of myself. Taught me to be okay with my grief. Grief is a tremendous beast and it's okay and possible to live with it. This book has several tools about helping to reduce your suffering. Also has a section for dealing with friends and family....haven't got there yet ...so don't know if it's helpful...will update as I continue reading.

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On 9/14/2020 at 8:39 PM, StillAlive said:

I started reading this book and I can't tell you how much it helped me. Its helped me realize how the world sees grief when they can't possibly begin to understand. Its helped me take some of the pressure off of myself. Taught me to be okay with my grief. Grief is a tremendous beast and it's okay and possible to live with it. This book has several tools about helping to reduce your suffering. Also has a section for dealing with friends and family....haven't got there yet ...so don't know if it's helpful...will update as I continue reading.

Thanks for the recommendation. My mom passed in June and it's torn me apart... I'm also having trouble with sleep/motivation/exercise. Idk, things seem so unmanageable sometimes. I've been looking for resources. Do you have anything else? I'm struggling getting into books. However this forum has really really really helped me out in discussing things and talking about what I went through. 

My family seems to be constantly on my case about how I should live my life. Did you happen to get to the friends and family portion yet?

It's so hard for me to talk to my friends and family about this so I'm hoping I can make some friends to chat with by being on this website. 

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StillAlive

Hi Rob! 

Sorry about your mom. Things are unmanageable sometimes. This forum has helped me too. It is nice to interact with people who understand.  My fathers death has also torn me and my life up.  The first thing the book talks about is if your ready to read it,  I still only pick it up if I have the focus and ability to read it, often times I do not. I still haven't read the part about friends and family, but will update here when I do.   One thing I have learned over the last 7 months ( my father passed in January), is screw everyone else. Seriously, don't worry about what they (your family) have to say, or what they think they know. Only you know what you feel and what you need.  That is the best advice I have, let the f$#ks you give disappear, if people can't understand it, they are not people you need in your life, or you'll be able to help them understand later, now should be about you.

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"Let the fucks you give disappear". Yeah, I've been dodging work calls, meetings, and the like. I'm gonna quit my job and take a couple months off. At first that advice seems counter intuitive, but the more you think about it, the more important it becomes. I agree that you have to care about yourself only, as long as it's not destructive to others. I have seen some people go off the deep end and draaaag their friends and loved ones down with them, so I am trying to make sure that doesn't happen with me. 

It's also really hard to talk to my family about these things because everyone has a different story. There are definitely layers to everything that has happened, and not everyone really understands that, ya know? I'd like to talk more about it but would feel weird posting about my family's feelings in a public forum because those are their feelings, not mine. 

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I get not wanting to post your families feelings, and I imagine that everyone does have different feelings, with different layers, as we all have different relationships with each other.  It makes it hard for all of us to understand each other's grief.  It is a really blunt and direct statement isn't it.... but it is true.  I took two months off work to care for my dad, then an additional month after he died, and I have kept my hours at part time ever since.  I am blessed to work somewhere that is totally understanding and willing to bend over backwards to help me when needed, and I mean really blessed.  I hate to give advice, because I am not an expert, but maybe see if your work offers FMLA, so you can take the time you need, most employers I would hope understand. Also, Washington state has paid family and medical leave for everyone...maybe look into that before quitting.... A primary care doc can sign off on the paperwork...unless you dislike your job, then by all means cut bait and get out. Go do you!! I am in full support of it. I stopped doing things I did not want to do about a year ago, before my dad died.  I must say, living the life you want is worth it, or it was, until death and grief came in and ruined it all.  Doing things out of obligation is often a waste of time. These things do not feed your brain, heart or soul.  Feel free to message me anytime if you just need to vent or talk with someone outside of your family. Take the f$#cks you have left and invest them in yourself...it helps sometimes. 

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