Could I be experiencing complicated grief?

[Bebari]

I grew up not knowing my father. I was told he was involved in a car accident  and died a month to my  third birthday. In 2011, I left home to study abroad.  Finished my bachelor's  and masters in 2016 and was planning to visit home. But before I could visit, my mom passed away (So I became an orphan).  I was told mom had stroke and went into coma two days before her passing. My siblings were hesitant  to tell me because I was far away and they didn't want me to start worrying. So I never had the opportunity  to say good bye (not even over the phone). I couldn't  attend the funeral because I didn't  have the money to travel to another continent  - Just completed my masters and was looking for a job. Now I feel like,I wished I got a loan from the bank to attend the funeral. Not even sure if the bank would have granted me a loan as I was an international  student with no credit history.

My life hasn't  been the same since that  fateful day in 2016. My emotions are everywhere. I experience  episodes of sadness, easily irritated and my mood swing has been terrible.  Although I have loving siblings (in a different  continent) that call to check up on me, I feel so alone in this world. 

I find myself worrying a lot (sometimes it's  not even clear to me why I'm worrying).  One minute I want to be in  a relationship, the next minute I want to be alone  and not be bothered with relationship stuff.  I feel my energy level is declining too.  Most times I just want to stay home and be alone. Find myself giving excuses why I can't  hang out. 

  Maybe I didn't  grieve enough. I was far away from home in  a foreign land with no family support. I just graduated, had exhausted my little savings and needed to find a job so I won't  be homeless. So a week and 2 days after  my mom passed, I started working. I felt I shouldn't  stay sober too long.  Also didn't  have the resources to  take few weeks or a month off and just mourn.

 It's  going to be 4 years in November that my mom passed and I still feel really sad most times (usually for no reasons).  Sometimes I cry so hard while watching a funeral scene in a movie.  Am  I experiencing complicated grief? Thought my life would have returned to normal by now. But that doesn't  seem to be the case.  I 've been able to stay on top things at the office. But after work, I have no energy for other things. Just want to go home most days and be alone. Some mornings, I feel so exhausted when I wake up. Though I have been sleeping for 8 hours. 

 

[reader]

Dear Edith,

Sorry to hear how you are feeling and how tough it has been this year. Grief takes many paths and the most important thing is know your thoughts and feelings are natural and normal.

With the pandemic this year, I think it could be some depression as well. For myself it has been a trigger and I find myself thinking more and more about father who passed away four years ago. My sister is expecting a baby this year and I feel sad that my father is not here to meet his grandchild. 

If you can try and see a doctor. They might want to run some blood work and do a screening. I hope you can find some additional supports. I know for myself I found these websites helpful in processing my grief. Grief Healing Blog, Grief in Common and What's Your Grief.

Thinking of you.

[Bebari]

Thanks  so much. I'm planning to go see a counselor. There are a few things I wanted to do with my mom after I start earning income. And it hurt so bad that I won't  be able to do those things with her forever. My mom worked so hard for us get an education and have a career. And it hurt that she wasn't  here for me to tell her about my first job, second job and many more good things to come.....These are some of the things I think about and it makes me really sad. 

Stay strong too. I pray God give us all the strength  will need to go through each day.