Getting worse with time

[Beverly Graham]

It's almost 2 months now since the love of my life has been gone, and I don't understand why the pain and loneliness is getting harder to bear the more time passes. The empty feeling in my whole being is more intense than ever. Although I've been receiving unmistakable signs from him letting me know that he's still with me, and they always bring me such comfort at the moment, just a few hours later I'm back to square one crying my heart out because of extreme longing for him.
It's already affecting me not just emotionally, but physically too...just this morning I woke up with this dull pain in my chest and upper back, and it actually scared me, so I got up and took an aspirin and prayed to God for strength because my sons need me to care for them.
I've said it before...I never knew that this kind of pain existed until now. I care for my sons, read books on grieving and the afterlife, do a little gardening and pray to God and talk to my Alan every day, but nothing seems to help with my grief. When I looked it up, it seems like I'm going through what is called "complicated grief."
I feel hopeless and lost...

[SDC]

I have no helpful advice, but I'm responding to say I feel the same. It is not getting better or easier with time (my husband died suddenly 5 months ago this month). The realization that I'll always be sad, always miss him, and never be who I was before his death is sinking in. I didn't understand grief at all until now. 

[KayC]

Reality begins to set in, support begins to dry up, we begin to realize that this isn't just a nightmare, it is now our reality, our lives are forever altered.  To me it makes perfect sense that it feels harder rather than better.  Before we went through this, we could not possibly imagine what it'd be like!

[foreverhis]

I have to agree with Kay.  Looking back, I really expected to start feeling some sort of relief, maybe a little "better" at times, after a few months.  Wrong!  The first few months were hell and seemed to get worse when people drifted back to their own lives.  Even those who loved my husband and were and are grieving his loss had lives and spouses still with them.  Yes, their worlds were altered, but my life was shattered into tiny shards that made every breath hurt.  The one person we could rely on unconditionally, the one we would lean on in the worst times, is the one who was taken from us.  We have to figure out how to stand on our own and that is a slow, painful process.  But it is a process and for most of us, it does happen. 

Once the shock wears off, once the world continues spinning onward for others, while we are mired in quicksand, it makes everything feel worse.  That's unfortunately expected--it's just that nobody can tell us how it will be; it's something that can only be understood when experienced.

Around 4 months, I felt like I was taking teeny baby steps forward.  Around 6 months, I was flattened by my grief again.  It's the circling around with unexpected hills to climb that makes everything seem harder.  Well, it is harder, that's the truth.

But at about a year, I was able to see bits of light and hope, and able to grasp on to some of them.  Looking back a bit more than 2 years out, I can see behind me and know that, while my steps forward are still small ones, I have taken them.  How?  I honestly don't know.  I don't know how I lived through these first 2 years, but I have.  I see that my road will not ever be easy and I will be walking it without my one essential love.  So now I hold onto our faith that this mysterious universe holds far more than we can see or understand, that there is something more, something wonderful.  I know my sweetheart is there, wherever "there" is, and I hope so very much that he will meet me with open arms and a loving heart when it's my time.

Still, there are days when all I can do is just keep breathing because I miss him every minute of every day.  I always will.

[Missy1]

I agree it doesn’t seem to get better, I am at 7 months, I cry every day and wish for him to come back every day.  I do find that I have  evolved, we change or maybe are hyper aware of how odd life is now. Loneliness is the constant and feeling hollow and uncertain, joyless, as well as so many other unfamiliar feelings dominate. I am hiding in my home and grateful that I don’t have to interact with people at work. Emotionally so fragile and not knowing the way back, our bond and love was what defined me. Without him I am nothing...

[Gail 8588]

The first year is so hard because there are so many firsts that must be endured. Each of the holiday's, your birthday, your love's birthday, your kids birthdays, your anniversary, your love's parents anniversary, the first missed kids school play or football game, your first time going to your favorite restaurant, bar, theater, .... It is so painful to endure each one. 

I am sorry to say it is a rough road you are on.  I had no idea that grief was this difficult until I found myself on this road as well. 

Just keep putting on foot in front of the other doing the things that must be done. I felt I was just going through the motions of living for more than 2 years. Numb. Lost. Trying to find a way back to life.

It does get less painful with time. I am finding my way, finally.

Peace, 

Gail

 

 

[KMM]

This thread has touched me. I am 7 months out from the sudden loss of my best friend, partner and spouse. It seems that every time I feel that I have turned a corner -bam- there is something that will knock me like a sucker punch whether it is a taste, smell, beautiful scene in Italy or somewhere else that we traveled to and my frame of mind sinks once again. The loss of someone to confide in, consult with, kiss good night, say I love you to, someone with whom you could carry on a conversation without uttering a word is life shattering.

What has helped is that I have spent more time in the garden and getting out and photographing .While my work has provided some degree of distraction it often feels like more of a chore than ever before. Thank God I am able to work remotely. 

Family and friends have been a great source of love and support but they have not experienced the same degree of loss and yes they have all resumed their lives .Only someone who has walked this difficult path knows and understands. I have been a planner my whole life. It is difficult not to have a plan other than to get through each day and schedule a few things a week or a month out. No one in my family has been able to figure out how we will all be together during this first very difficult holiday season given pandemic restrictions. 
 

I know and trust that a plan forward will be revealed and that I emerge from this fog of every day life. I also recognize that in order to heal that we have to experience these depths of despair and that the journey we are on may just begin to get easier over time. 
 

I wish I could also know that my husband is in a better place and yes I’ve had a few good dreams, suddenly felt his presence in a room and next to me in the car and have seen many rainbows and cardinals over the past few months so I feel that there have certainly been a number of “signs”. 
 

I hope that you all feel a healing grace and that something good and beautiful happens to you. I’ve had a few moments of angst where I was mysteriously led to a missing item, a solution to a problem etc. 

 

This forum continues to be a great resource. Thank you all.

[Yoli]

Four months yesterday. I feel more lost and alone than ever. Increasingly I just want to be with her again where ever that may be.

[KayC]

@KMM  I am glad you are here, although not glad for what brought you here...I wish no one ever had to go through this.  I felt and related to everything you say (except the garden part, that was my husband's domain, I do not have a green thumb!d).  I always made cards as my creative bent, I miss that (I need surgery in both hands, severely).  

Growing old alone seems to have marked his absence in a whole new way for me.  I've gotten used to being alone but it's still not easy or my preference by any means.  While I've always needed some solitude, I miss having him here to break it up!  When we came together in shared living, it was beautiful.  I miss his holding me.  I never dreamed I'd still be here, 15 years later.  My five year old granddaughter told me the other day, "Grandma, you're not going to live much longer."  I asked her why she thought that and she said, "Because you're old."  She sees my white hairs in front as a sign of getting old.  I told her I'd probably be around when she gets graduates and gets married, because I'm taking good care of myself.  But the truth is we never know the when/how, I certainly didn't expect to lose my husband when he had just had his 51st birthday!

You may have already seen me post this for someone else, but I want to be sure and share it with you too, as these are things I've gathered through the years...when I first started this journey I didn't know where to start, but it was a forum such as this that saved my life, seriously!  I hope you find something helpful in it, if not now, then on down the road.  This is an ever-evolving journey without ending.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Perro J]

It is how I am experiencing this too.

Though I will say I have had a few moments where I have been able to smile at a memory, I also have had moments where my reflections reveal the profoundness of the loss even more deeply. She is gone and there is no hope of her coming back here. My only hope is that I can catch up to her in the next place. One thing I was looking for on this site was help for dealing with and processing the loss, thinking perhaps others could tell me something along the lines of "I did this everyday for three months and although I miss him/her, I now am enjoying life again like I did before." After two months, I've noticed that kind of advice is conspicuously absent here.

We have some very hard chunks of truth to digest.

Life isn't going to unfold as we once dreamed it would. There isn't going to be a honeymoon in Galapagos. There aren't going to be the vacations we hoped to take together. I am not going to feel her embrace in this world again. She is not going to fall asleep on my shoulder anymore. All this hurts like hell and the rest of the world feels like it is saying "You've had your cry and it's time to move on." As well-intentioned as that may be, I don't want to move on. I want to go back. I can't understand why I was given a taste of joy only to have it ripped away from me.

I also have had time to contemplate this from her perspective. I lost her. She lost her life. Not just me. She also suffered during the illness. I cannot fathom how it could be more unfair for her. No more dreams of not only love, but no more dreams of anything.

Maybe it is the expansion of my perspective on the loss to include hers that is why it hurts more now. I don't know for sure.

Two small things have helped me. The first were her words "My soul cannot rest until all of yours are." She felt a great deal of guilt about her illness before she died even though I would have played caregiver for as long as was required. You do what you have to do. Those words were a gift from her in the sense that she wanted her family and I to continue on to have meaningful and happy lives. I like to think if our roles were reversed I would want the same for her. I strongly suspect your Alan wants the same for you. The second thing was something I read here - and apologies for not recalling the original post - but it was the notion that every day I get through is one day closer to being together with her again.

I hope those help you too.

[KayC]

On 9/14/2020 at 7:16 AM, Perro J said:

thinking perhaps others could tell me something along the lines of "I did this everyday for three months and although I miss him/her, I now am enjoying life again like I did before."

I almost choked on that, although it's anything but funny!  I was in my own world in the beginning, had no idea how to assimilate this, and learned everything I know the hard way, through trial and error.  The BEST thing I did was finding my forum just days in, as I found people who understood and we could relate.  I got hints, pointers along the way and that's what I've written in my Tips article.  I know everything listed isn't for everyone, it's just a random list tossed out there for consideration, there IS no "how to" manual as we're all unique, we find what works best for us.  I do know that we can begin to adjust somewhat in time if we put in the work and effort.  Grief is not for the faint-hearted, that's for sure!

[Rhonda R]

On ‎9‎/‎13‎/‎2020 at 8:33 PM, foreverhis said:

Still, there are days when all I can do is just keep breathing because I miss him every minute of every day.  I always will

I am actually going through this right now.  I am 27 months out and I knew the grief of a parent, but I had no idea about the loss of a spouse.  Wow!  It is the most humbling, life altering, gut wrenching, overwhelming, devastating, punch in the face life I have ever experienced.  It is especially if you are completely and totally in love with your spouse.  Especially if you had a great relationship and you were best friends and spent every minute together that you could.  It's a double edged sword, so lucky in life and because of it, so devastating in their loss. 

I will tell you that over time, and I'm not talking about a couple months, I am talking well over a year, I have learned to live around my grief.  I'm always going to love him and so it's always going to be there but not at the same intensity that you are feeling now, all the time.  As time goes by the big waves come further apart.  Unfortunately, I am going through one of them now.  When this happens, I revert to all the feelings I had when he first died.  The difference now is, I know I will survive it and it will pass.  I can't lie, I still think about him almost every minute of every day.  I miss him every day and I will love him for the rest of my life, that's not going to change.  Because of this, I will always carry a little sadness with me.  I have found laughter and I have found some happiness also along the way.  I have reconnected with a high school friend who is a really big support to me.  I went on a vacation with a group of high school friends this last year and really had a good time.  One of these friends also lost her fiancé/life partner of 12 years,18 months before I lost Randy.  I will tell you, at the time, I thought I was there for her and really, I had no clue.  I've apologized to her many,many times.

Everyone thinks the initial part of the death is the hard part and then it's over.  What you are experiencing is exactly what all of us experienced, and still do from time to time.  The initial shock wears off and reality sets in and it's a hard time.  I found that the one thing that helps me is staying busy.  The first two years, I worked a full time and part time job.  When COVID hit, my part time job was over, but my full time job continued.  I started doing projects around my house in May and I am just finishing up my final one tonight (number 14).  What now?  I applied for another part time job and they want to make me a job offer tonight.  Everyone thinks I'm crazy but really, it's the only thing that has kept me sane, along with the support of my kids. This is not the answer for everyone, it's my answer, for now.  As time goes on, hopefully you will find something that helps you too. 

[West]

 story but I’m sorry our life story was almost similar please can I know more better 

Sad I’m sorry 

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I'm always going to love him and so it's always going to be there but not at the same intensity that you are feeling now, all the time.  As time goes by the big waves come further apart.  Unfortunately, I am going through one of them now.  When this happens, I revert to all the feelings I had when he first died.  The difference now is, I know I will survive it and it will pass.  I can't lie, I still think about him almost every minute of every day.  I miss him every day and I will love him for the rest of my life, that's not going to change.  Because of this, I will always carry a little sadness with me.  I have found laughter and I have found some happiness also along the way.

Oh, Rhonda.  I am so sorry you're going through one of those waves of grief that sometimes seem to strike without reason or warning.  I've come to believe that they will never go away completely.

It's so true.  If someone had tried to convince me 2 years ago that I would ever feel the slightest bit better, that I'd be able to smile and laugh again sometimes, that I'd enjoy any little bit of life in any way, I would have thought they had never had their life shattered the way I did.  I would probably have been angry if anyone had even suggested it.

But slowly, I am learning to pick up my grief and carry it with me, instead letting it crush me under its weight.  I can smile and laugh sometimes.  I can remember not just the pain, fear, and frustration of those last 15 months while he was fighting his cancer, but also so many of the good and loving times--even during that time.  It's such a slow process that I didn't even really "see" how I had moved forward until I looked back and saw all those baby steps I'd taken. 

Yet I did not take those steps alone.  I had so much support and help, both here and from my family and friends.  I have trouble asking for help; I always have.  I have trouble crying in front of others; I always have.  Yet, I've been held and comforted and loved in ways that helped me, even when I didn't think I wanted it.

Like you, I still have those waves of pain and anguish.  Times where it feels as if I'm back to that first morning when I woke up alone, really alone, and had to start facing my future without my one essential love.  But for me, the waves don't last as long or come as often.  I don't think I really understood what it meant to "smile through our tears" until recently.  I can talk about our life together and smile, even laugh when it's something silly, but so often there are tears in my eyes too.  It's because he is not here to share that smile or show his silly side or make me laugh with just a sideways glance.  We had 35 years of all those little "couple" things that were just between us.

I know that I will miss him every minute of every day for the rest of my life, but it is no longer the only thing in my heart and mind.  My heart is still shattered.  There's no getting around that.  Yet, it can once again swell with pride because he chose me, flaws and all, and loved me as I loved him.  That is a rare and precious gift.

[Rhonda R]

On ‎9‎/‎13‎/‎2020 at 8:55 PM, Missy1 said:

Emotionally so fragile and not knowing the way back, our bond and love was what defined me. Without him I am nothing...

I often feel like this but the reality of it is, it's not true.  You are someone he loved fiercely, and always will be.  Something about you made him choose you (thank you foreverhis) and that makes you special.  Your bond and love is what supported you and made you the person you are today.  Unfortunately, there is no way back, only forward.  It's hard to accept that you will never be the person you once were.  That you will feel out of place in your own skin for a while.  I think we not only grieve the loss of the person and what they meant to us but we grieve the loss of the person we once were.  That's the reality of our lives, one foot in the past (okay, sometimes more) and one foot in the present.  A constant tug of war. 

You have provided support and words of wisdom to many who have lost the love of their life like you.  You should be emotionally fragile.  Of course you are feeling lost.  Of course you miss that bond and the reciprocated love.  But you are not nothing. 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

Everyone thinks the initial part of the death is the hard part and then it's over.

No, it affects us the rest of our lives.  I am going through so much right now with the pandemic, fires/smoke, my kids' situations, my hands hurting severely 24/7, my BIL dying, my sister with dementia, both needing care & I'm their only relative here, I just feel like I'm one step away from sinking under everything...barely holding it together ONE DAY AT A TIME!  Leaving tomorrow am for some much needed rest/respite Thursday through the weekend, it's been a year since I've gotten away.  Took Kodie to do a meet and greet again where he'll be staying and he played with her dog for 1 1/4 hours so that looked hopeful. 

All of this would be so different if George were here!

22 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I have learned to live around my grief.

Yes, we do continue to love them and carry our grief inside of us the rest of our lives.  I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now, we have these periods where it seems to hit harder than other times, anything coming up can trigger it.

 

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I can smile and laugh sometimes.

I can too, and it's a great medicine for our souls.  A lot of people think it's disloyal to smile after loss but it's not our grief that binds us to them, it's our love, and that continues still.  I remember reading an article similar to this one in my early grief, it helped me a lot, I wish I'd saved that one!  To those who haven't gotten there yet, I hope you'll read this:

http://www.aliveinmemory.org/2013/05/30/learning-how-to-smile-again/

Missy, I agree with Rhonda, you are not "nothing!"  You are amazing and wonderful and I'm glad I've gotten to know you here, although like all of us here, I wish none of us had call to be here. 

[DMB]

Hello.  This topic sort of touched me too and so I joined.  I am a little angry right now and I don't want to be here.  I'm tired of hearing with time it will get better.  It's not better!!!  I am confident I will learn the concept of living with grief but let's not put a time stamp on it shall we?  Geez, sorry, just makes me so mad.

I lost my husband of 35 years in May.  He was 60, and now I'm a widow at age 59. I don't see myself making 70.I know I don't control it, but this is really lonely, the days are growing shorter, and I am trying my best to not fall into the dark hole.  Hubs died of lung cancer so what am I doing?  Still smoking. I've been quitting for the last 5 1/2 years.  I have had some really good runs going but somehow just once I will give into a craving and off I go to the store.  Why do I try to justify in my mind that the small number I'm smoking may mean it's ok?  It's probably not.  I wish it wasn't legal.  Then I would be done.  Still trying though, every darn day.

I was diagnosed with a stage 2 breast cancer in late 2017.  Hearing those words and going through that really helped me understand what it was like for my husband when he was diagnosed (even though @ diagnosis he was terminal).  It helped me a lot with our children.  We got through those 7 months cherishing each and every day with him (good or bad), down to the millisecond!  Now, I think because it was an illness and there was some caregiving involved, I am just now processing what has happened since his death.  Ordering the grave stone was one of last things on the list of things to do that the funeral home gave me, so now what?  LOL

Anyway, nice to meet you all, there's more to the story.  I'm already full of dread for the upcoming holiday and it's only September.  I rented a beach house for the week after Christmas so me and my kids, perhaps a few others if they can visit can bring in a new and better year.  2020 sure does stink for MANY of us!

PS-My condolences to you all as well, for your loss.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, DMB said:

I'm tried of hearing with time it will get better.  It's not better!!!  I am confident I will learn the concept of living with grief but let's not put a time stamp on it shall we?  Geez, sorry, just makes me so mad.

Welcome.  While it is tiresome to hear anyone try to give you a timeline, that is not what we are doing here.  When we mention how time has helped or is helping, it's for ourselves alone and not intended to be specific or time-stamped in any way for anyone--not even ourselves.  Time is entirely relative and we each have our own journey. 

You are so early in your grief.  Your loss is so fresh and raw that no one should expect you to feel the least bit better.  But the truth is that time does help most of us.  Talking about that is not intended to tell you how or when that should be for you.  It is intended to help give a little hope that some day you may be able to see a little light and find a life that you can live.

There are no "X-number stages of grief."  That's, to be blunt, crap.  The whole "Five Stages of Grief" study was of terminal patients to see if there were commonalities after they were given their diagnosis.  It has nothing to do with those of us left behind with our agonizing loss, no matter what anyone says.  I might have 10 stages, someone else 20.  Any stage or phase we go through is unlikely to be straight or simple.  At no point is it "I will go through these steps and then come out the other side all better."  Nope, it does not work that way.

One person may feel they're starting to figure it out after several months, while others may not feel that way for several years.  Speaking for myself, I guess I'm somewhere in between.  I know I've started forward, bringing my love and my grief for him with me, but my steps are tiny, the road twists and turns, doubles back on itself, and sometimes feels insurmountable.  It took me more than a year to even do that.  After 2 years and with much support here and from friends and family, I have taken more steps back into the world.  I can smile and laugh at times and not feel it's a betrayal.  I can remember so much that is good and happy, not just the last 15 months of him fighting the bastard cancer.  It is a slow and painful journey and I couldn't even say how or when my grief began to evolve.  I do know that it will take years more to get to a place where I can live a life without my husband.  And I accept that I will miss him every minute of every day, sometimes front and center, other times in the back of my mind and heart.

I hope that you can find some comfort here.  We come here to talk, question, rant, reminisce, and even "scream" sometimes.  We do not judge or tell anyone what they "should" or "should not" do, think, feel, or believe.

[KayC]

On 9/17/2020 at 12:05 PM, DMB said:

I'm tired of hearing with time it will get better.  It's not better!!!

"Better" is a relative term.  When I compare now to 15 years ago, I don't have the excruciating debilitating pain I did then when it first happened or even the first few years I was processing it.  But a few months is NOT time to consider "better" in fact it CAN and usually does feel worse when the shock wears off and you're feeling like, "Okay, you can come back now, I'm done with this!" but nothing happens...

Been there.  I'm sorry for your pain.  I wish I knew a way around it but there is none that I know of..  

[widower2]

On 9/13/2020 at 9:33 PM, foreverhis said:

people drifted back to their own lives.  Even those who loved my husband and were and are grieving his loss had lives and spouses still with them.  Yes, their worlds were altered, but my life was shattered into tiny shards

What an incredible post but this especially. That's EXACTLY how I thought of it and wanted to all but scream it to people that knew her and of course felt her loss but didn't "get it" that my loss was far greater than theirs. They missed her, they hurt from her loss, but mostly their lives went on as they had before. She wasn't just an important part of my life, she basically WAS my life. That life was blown into a million pieces. I effectively had no life after her loss. 

And I know people with fresher losses don't want to hear this, but yeah it takes more than a few months to regroup for most people (and varies, don't impose any timelines on yourself or care what's "normal"...no such thing). You have to allow for that, but know that while this path will have its ups and downs and takes longer than you want to say the least, it is a path that, overall, gradually improves...it's never easy, but gets easiER.  The searing anguish does not last forever. Hold on. Better days are ahead.

[widower2]

PS and oh btw I've read the rest of this thread...man people some great great posts, if I tried to quote and tack on to every one I'd be here half the night   And really I don't think I have much more to add that wasn't already said better. 

[KayC]

Me too, widower2, me too.

[bibi]

Just to say I relate to everything in these posts. It is unbearable. Not quite five months and it is as raw as it was the day my darling died suddenly of Leukaemia. Nothing can prepare you for grief. We almost don't have the words to describe it.

[KayC]

@bibi  We hear you!  We do eventually adjust some but a certain amount of it we just have to live with.  The intensity of pain will diminish though, I don't think we could handle it long term if it didn't.  The most painful thing I've been through.  Losing my dog Arlie a year ago was much like that also.  Yes, no words...

[widow2020]

Thank you to all your responses to this thread.  I thought I was doing a little better, having friends call, drop by.  But with pandemic, this lonesome feeling is even worse.  My daughters are supportive, and my friends, but like other have said the couples we socialized with will call but rarely now.  Last few days have been low time for me.  I am trying to to see some light ahead.  Thanks for all of your sharing.

 

[widower2]

On 9/26/2020 at 9:59 AM, KayC said:

@bibi  We hear you!  We do eventually adjust some but a certain amount of it we just have to live with.  The intensity of pain will diminish though, I don't think we could handle it long term if it didn't.  The most painful thing I've been through.  Losing my dog Arlie a year ago was much like that also.  Yes, no words...

I put her/my/our dog down 2 yrs ago. It definitely re-opened some old wounds in a big way. Never thought putting down a pet would be so hard but it was a unique situation. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, TeresaV said:

Last few days have been low time for me.  I am trying to to see some light ahead.

Hang in there...you're not only suffering loss/grief, but during this time of COVID it's all the harder with social distancing.  All of our friends disappeared in short order when my husband died, my two best friends did not even bother attending his funeral!  I never would have responded in kind with them.  Sometimes it has a way of rewriting your address book, but this is a particularly hard time to have to face that on top of what we're going through.  Hang in there, it has a way of working out, with effort on our part.  I made a wonderful friend when George died, better than any I've ever had...unfortunately she moved away several years later, we can talk on the phone but it's not the same as over a cappuccino.  

[Beverly Graham]

On 9/14/2020 at 7:16 AM, Perro J said:

 

Two small things have helped me. The first were her words "My soul cannot rest until all of yours are." She felt a great deal of guilt about her illness before she died even though I would have played caregiver for as long as was required. You do what you have to do. Those words were a gift from her in the sense that she wanted her family and I to continue on to have meaningful and happy lives. I like to think if our roles were reversed I would want the same for her. I strongly suspect your Alan wants the same for you. The second thing was something I read here - and apologies for not recalling the original post - but it was the notion that every day I get through is one day closer to being together with her again.

I hope those help you too.

Thank you so much, Perro J...just reading that gave me a great deal of comfort. Looking forward to being together again with my soulmate gives me the strength to pull through this new, uncertain, scary life...and I'm happy to hear that it brings you comfort too.

[Yoli]

I have asked my love to come and get me and all I ask is for it to be fast. I just want to be with her so much. I never thought I would say that I hope my life is short. I just hope she waits for me. The thought of growing old without her is just wrong and all I see is a sad, lonely, old me.  I still try every day but it is getting harder. I often think what sort of grief would I leave behind, yes there would be some but nothing like what I am experiencing. People would soon get on with their lives just as they have done with her passing.

Sorry, scary stuff I know but I need to vent tonight. Just feel so low, maybe tomorrow will be different.

[Gail 8588]

6 hours ago, Yoli said:

. . . . maybe tomorrow will be different.

Yoli,

I know you are in that black hole abyss of grief. I've been there. Many of us have made that same request of our loves. Come take us now - we can't go on living without you. 

All I can tell you is it does get better with time.  Right now you are in so much pain that you are disconnected from life. There is no joy, or beauty, happiness. The black hole abyss of grief swallows those things up when you are in such grief. 

They do still exist in the world, and one day you will be able to see and feel them again. 

Keep focusing on just getting through today.  Please reach out for help if you think of harming yourself.  But know that many of us have certainly wished to die in our sleep and join our loves.  Each day we wake up and put one foot in front of the other on this slow journey out of out grief and back to the world.

Sending you strength to keep going.

Hugs

Gail

 

[KayC]

This is the darkest time, we do adjust bit by bit to the changes it means for our lives, not that it's ever "okay" or "better" as in "well" but better in relation to day one and the early days.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  How any of us survive that I don't know, but we do, one day at a time.  I know it's hard to live through, there's no way around it but straight through it, but trust your love to see you through it, minute by minute.

[BBB]

I am so so sorry that you are going through this, that we are all going through this. For me, it is getting harder as well. One thing that I never realized is how many of us are out there who endure this type of loss.  The pain is unbearable like nothing I've ever felt before. It makes me sad to see so many suffering with the same or similar scenario. 

[Yoli]

Isn't it amazing that you can confide in people that you have Dark days/thoughts yet they still do not check on you or ask How Are You Coping? 

Yes I am still here. Hearing people laugh irritates me. I am becoming more withdrawn at work but no one has noticed. Yesterday I went to my car for a half hour because I was going to have an enormous breakdown. Usually I would grab my co-worker but she is one of the ones I confided in and specifically asked to message me at night time just to check in but no that apparently is too much. So I didn't feel I could ask her to come out with me anymore - what is the point if it falls on deaf ears. The point being no one even wondered where I was.

I have tried so hard reaching out right from the early days, trying alternative healing as well as conventional, trying to find non-existent support groups.

I finally opened up to my dad over the phone last night that I was struggling. His answer to me was We are struggling too - this is in reference to my mother's dementia. I love her dearly but this time I needed it to be about me.

I am getting so very tired if this.

[BBB]

Ahh, you got the "we're struggling too" line. I got that from my parents. Telling me they're struggling with the loss of a daughter in law. Yes, I know you lost a daughter in law but it's not the same... I'm sorry. So I told them to read Megan Devine's book, It's ok that you're not ok"

 

[Gail 8588]

Yoli, 

I am so sorry you are not getting the support you need.  People who have not gone through this type of grief really have no clue what you are going through or how to help you.

I have family that really tried to be supportive, but they had no idea how depressed I was. And honestly I didnt do very well trying to explain my situation to them.  I felt there was just too big of a gap for me to bridge.  Also, I didn't really want them to involuntarily put me in a mental hospital as dangerous to self.  On a couple of occasions when someone close to me told me how great I was doing, I blurted out that it was just an act, that I was really suicidal most of the time.  They were stunned, but neither of them brought the conversation up with me again.  They didn't know what to do.

In a way, I think we have to walk this sad journey by ourselves. For those who believe, maybe with God. We each have to find some way to connect with life now that our love is gone.  Family and friends can't help us find that connection.  Books on grief can help. Posting on here with people who understand can help.  But fundamentally, you have to find your own path. It takes time. 

One thing my grief journey has taught me  is that many, many people are struggling with life shattering grief.  Not just people who have lost their partners, though there are many of us, but people grappling with other losses, death of a child, people struggling with dementia, alzheimers, ALS, cancer, or struggling to support a loved one with those relentless conditions.  I am more compassionate towards strangers as I  see people as more fragile than I did before. I lived in that black abyss of dispair for several years and it changed me, in some small ways for the better.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will eventually find your way back to the world. 

Gail

[Yoli]

Thank you Gail. I guess we all feel so isolated on our own grief. All the mental health information says it is best to open up about your thoughts & feelings but if the recipients aren't prepared or able to cope with what they hear then it is just another wall to smack into.

I do feel that I am fundamentally changed from this experience. I have vowed to be more compassionate to people especially those in need and just be kinder.

Now having said that there will come a time when the people at work who have not yet acknowledged me or my loss will try to engage with me on non-work related matters. When this happens I will tell them that they have lost the privilege (yes that's right), to engage with me on any matter not related to work and of course I shall say it Kindly.

[KayC]

I pray you find a special friend, Yoli...ALL our friends literally disappeared immediately, but I made the acquaintance of one new friend, and we were there for each other for ten years before she moved to TX to remarry.  Nothing will ever change how I feel about her and I'm happy for her, but I sure miss her...no one since has been as she was to me.  I'm just so sorry people don't make the effort like one would hope.

That is a good book for people going through all kinds of things.

[Rhonda R]

I am just returning home tonight from a four day visit with a woman I met on here a year ago. I flew from Minnesota to Virginia to visit her.  We started by talking on the phone and texting and a friendship grew from that. No, we don’t live in the same state, we aren’t the same age and our husbands died of different things but we have one very important thing in common, we both lost the love of our life. We both understand this kind of loss and we are both forever changed. 

[widower2]

33 minutes ago, Rhonda R said:

I am just returning home tonight from a four day visit with a woman I met on here a year ago. I flew from Minnesota to Virginia to visit her.  

And you didn't let me know??????   

  Kidding but honestly if you're ever in the central VA area, please let me know. It would be so great to meet someone who "gets it."  Plus we have a lot of great wineries in this area which doesn't hurt   

[Rhonda R]

5 hours ago, widower2 said:

And you didn't let me know??????   

Had I know you were in this area, we would have!  The goal someday is for a group of us all to meet up. We went to Kings Family Farm Winery. It was beautiful. 

[KayC]

I was able to meet up with someone from my grief site once but another one flew in an hour away and I wanted to meet up with her but she never called so we could.  

[widower2]

18 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

Had I know you were in this area, we would have!  The goal someday is for a group of us all to meet up. We went to Kings Family Farm Winery. It was beautiful. 

It would be great to meet folks from the site. If you decide to return (or if anyone is in this area), let me know!

[Knvsmom]

Beverly, this is actually my 2nd loss of a spouse in my life, but here is just a little input that may or may not help with your pain.

My daughter's Dad was killed on the job almost 30 years ago when they were little. We buried him.on what would have been his 26th birthday. Our girls were 2 1/2 yrs & 9 months old. I was devastated obviously & I cried constantly. I would go to his gravesite and talk to him all the time. I didn't realize it then, but the one thing that kept me going was our daughters. They no longer had Daddy and were completely reliant on me. Yes, I hurt and my grief lasted for many years, but eventually I realized that while Michael was taken from us too soon, God allowed him to leave me with 2 incredible gifts, our daughters. God knew I was going to need something to give me strength to not give up, so he left me with something that was a living part of Michael to continue to love and cherish. I had to honor his memory in the best way I knew how, by raising daughters he would have been proud of & I believe I've succeeded.

I know you are lonely, and I know you are hurting, but you have a part of your husband still, a great blessing, & your sons need you. Help raise them up to be the same kind of good men as their Dad was. It will be a tough journey, but as you said, you still feel him with you so you are not alone.

As I said, this is my 2nd loss now. My spouse died suddenly on the 26th of September and it is so much worse. I don't have young daughter's to raise this time. They are grown and have their own lives now. I hope I make it through this loss.

[KayC]

I'm sorry you're going through this AGAIN after building your life back...it can be  hard when you're alone, I know, I've been alone 15 years now.  It helped when I was working but I try to have a schedule and keep busy with volunteer work.  You'll make it through this, one day at a time.  None of our lives are "over," we just have to try our best to make it as good as possible.  

[lynlee Williams]

I lost my husband Friday. We buried him yesterday. I feel like I'm in a nightmare. I can't sleep. When I wake up I'm always feeling like I have been hit in the stomach. The realization that the only man aside from Jesus Christ and my own dad, that I have ever loved is GONE. He was and still is the center of my world. Everything I did every single day was about him, for him, or somehow connected to him. I am utterly lost. Aimlessly I wonder the house, I'm not hungry and the thought of cooking for just me is unbearable. His laundry was done and put away the day just hours before the ambulance was called. I don't even have anything that smells like him left. I know that sounds crazy but that's how I feel. Lost and crazy. We have a 15 year old son together but he is seeking consolation from my dad, and I'm blessed that they are close and I can understand why hearing my grief is upsetting to our boy but still I feel left alone to deal with all these emotions. I want to be with my husband. And that's all I can really think about. Where is he? Why did he leave? Lost my mother a year ago. And a beloved family pet the year before that. My aging dad is next at some point and I have to wonder what will become of my son and myself......

[KayC]

@lynlee Williams  I am so sorry!  I remember feeling the same way, wanting to wake up from it, sometimes still feel like that these 15 years later, although I've learned to cope with it as best as anyone can.  I miss him each and every day of my life.  How does one get over that?  They don't.  I am glad you found this site, it was a place such as this that literally saved me when I lost my George.  I cried when I found out his smell was gone, I cried when his voice disappeared on the phone, each thing like that felt like losing more of him all over again.

I wrote this article based on the things that I found helpful over the years, and want to share it with you, I hope you'll print it out and read it now and then as right now your brain is likely in a fog and your journey will evolve...the biggest help for myself was learning to take one day at a time, the other biggie was learning to look for joy now that my big joy, George, was gone...nothing too small or insignificant to count.  I've learned to grasp and embrace whatever little bit of good there is about life, and live in this present moment so I don't miss anything.  That may seem impossible but lI started practicing it on day 11, and it was life changing for me.  

I want more than anything to be here for newer ones going through this, I remember everything like it was yesterday...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, lynlee Williams said:

I lost my husband Friday.   . . .   I am utterly lost.

Lynlee,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  

Right now the most you can hope to do is to just get through another day. Grief is all consuming when you have a life shattering loss like this. 

You are fortunate to have your dad to help with your son. Eventually you will need to join with your son to assure him that he still has your love as you both find your way forward without his dad.  But for now you can wail and sob as your grief demands. 

Your dad, having lost his wife, may be more aware of the depth of your pain than most.  In time you may be able to reach out to him for support.  Not yet. It is all too raw and painful.

The future is too complex to contemplate now. Just getting through one day at a time is enough for now. 

I am so sorry you have joined us on this journey of grief that none of us chose to travel.

Gail

[B55]

I also lost my husband about a year ago. I never knew I could feel as though half of me is gone. Each day I try to be thankful for the time we had however my heart feels like it has been torn into a million pieces. I do not what my adult children to know the depth of my grief and I feel as though people I thought were my friends have abandoned me. Each day I try to be motivated to do things but my heart asked why when he is gone and i no longer have him here to wake up next to, cook a meal for him to eat, clean house when it's only me. i have many things to be thankful for but I don't know how to fix my broken heart.

 

[Rhonda R]

Lynell - This is most likely the worst thing that has ever happened to you and needs to be treated as such. It’s going to take time to be able to even accept that this has happened. I’m not talking days, I’m talking months and in some cases, even years. What you are describing is so many of the same things we have also felt. Grief isn’t just emotional pain. In those raw stages it is actually physical pain as well. The best advice we can give you right now is to not think in the future, it’s too overwhelming right now. Concentrate on day to day, hour to hour or minute to minute if you have to. I know exactly what you are talking about wanting something that smells like him. What about a jacket or his pillow?  A bath towel?  If you don’t know anyone who has lost a spouse recently, hopefully you will connect with someone here who is in the same place as you. Keep coming here for understanding, support or just to vent. We get it!!! Be kind to yourself and know anything you accomplish at this point is a big deal. Eventually you and your son will come together but initially, a lot of us are too overwhelmed to offer anything to anyone else. If he’s connecting with your dad for now, that’s good. I got a therapist to help me and there is no shame in that. I’m so sorry for your devastation, it’s horrible and there is just no other way around it. 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, B55 said:

I also lost my husband about a year ago. I never knew I could feel as though half of me is gone. Each day I try to be thankful for the time we had however my heart feels like it has been torn into a million pieces. I do not what my adult children to know the depth of my grief and I feel as though people I thought were my friends have abandoned me. Each day I try to be motivated to do things but my heart asked why when he is gone and i no longer have him here to wake up next to, cook a meal for him to eat, clean house when it's only me. i have many things to be thankful for but I don't know how to fix my broken heart.

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I too lost all our friends immediately, they abandoned me to what felt like the biggest nightmare I could not wake up from.  I was shocked.  I was lucky to make a new friend and she was my bestie for ten years, she lost her husband a few years after I lost mine, but she moved away five years ago to TX and I miss her a lot.

I do not get people that abandon us.  I always wonder what they'll fell like when this happens to them as it can.  My husband was barely 51, we did not expect this.

I'm glad you found this site, it helps to know there are others that get it, esp. since we feel so alone in this journey.  

I also want to make sure you have this article I wrote a few years ago of the things I'd found helpful over the years.  A place such as this literally saved my life when I went through this as I had no one to turn to.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.