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Does it ever get easier? Dad died 12 weeks ago


Simbaaxx

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I’m 26 and my dad passed 12 weeks ago on Sunday.  It was a very surreal experience, I was in the us where I live, he was in the uk where I’m from. 
he got taken into hospital with a severe chest infection, sepsis and pneumonia, no covid, then they did a scan and found a blockage somewhere in his stomach and said a surgical team would speak to us and the following day told us he wasn’t responding to treatment and they were withdrawing all care and placing him on palliative care. 
 

I flew out to the uk and got to be at the hospital with him and was with him when he passed. It was awful and in the end I felt like I was begging him to die, he was fighting so hard and struggling to catch a breath and his whole body would shake with the effort. He passed at 12.45am on Father’s Day with me laying on his chest. 
The last 12 weeks have not been easy, I still have nightmares, I’m back in that room and I’m laying on his chest again and I feel his last breath over and over and it’s not going away. 
 

when does it start to get easier? 

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Feel free to pm me if you need a friend. I can't tell you how long but it's a back and forth process. I think that over time you will feel better in some ways (my layman's opinion, standard disclaimer ;-) )  I know for me, even after a year and an half it's hard. But I don't have really much of any support structure. If you have family or friends you can talk to, make use of that. Spend quality time with them, if you can, even if it's just a talk on the phone. You need to feel like you aren't alone in this. I hurt for you, it's hard. 

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Yeah if you are lucky enough to have family and friends who will listen and just be there, go for it and know you are blessed. I have found myself very alienated in my grief. I knew that would be the case with people my own age, I’m 25, since they have never gone through us but I am frankly astonished at the behaviour of aunts, uncles and cousins who are at a bare minimum in their forties. I had a lot of anger about this, still do in fact, because I think that giving someone an hour of your time on a whatsapp call! Is really not asking a lot. I personally have listened to a lot of people and have always tried to be empathetic. 
 

but people are selfish and nobody wants to listen to anyones tales of woe. Or not. They have all been good time pals. So really what I am trying to say is, that you will know what to do. Its just trial and error.  And time will go by because it wont stop while you are grieving. Initially, I was only reading this website, now I am writing. Yesterday I cried nonstop all day and night, today I just feel angry. Perhaps a pattern will emerge, perhaps there wont. 

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On 9/11/2020 at 6:46 PM, Simbaaxx said:

I’m 26 and my dad passed 12 weeks ago on Sunday.  It was a very surreal experience, I was in the us where I live, he was in the uk where I’m from. 
he got taken into hospital with a severe chest infection, sepsis and pneumonia, no covid, then they did a scan and found a blockage somewhere in his stomach and said a surgical team would speak to us and the following day told us he wasn’t responding to treatment and they were withdrawing all care and placing him on palliative care. 
 

I flew out to the uk and got to be at the hospital with him and was with him when he passed. It was awful and in the end I felt like I was begging him to die, he was fighting so hard and struggling to catch a breath and his whole body would shake with the effort. He passed at 12.45am on Father’s Day with me laying on his chest. 
The last 12 weeks have not been easy, I still have nightmares, I’m back in that room and I’m laying on his chest again and I feel his last breath over and over and it’s not going away. 
 

when does it start to get easier? 

I’m so sorry for your loss! My mom passed 6 weeks ago. I also was by her side when she died. It was really strange, my dad and I went to get something to eat at the hospital and they called for us to come back because she wasn’t doing well and it took us at least 15 minutes to get back and she died like 5 min later. Like she waited for us. I’m really thankful I was there but for the life of me, I can’t get the picture of my mom taking her last breath out of my head. It plays over and over. She looked peaceful but it I never felt hurt like that in my life. 
 

I hope it gets easier too! People say it does but right now it seems so hard to believe. 

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I don’t know whether it gets easier or harder. In some ways it continues to get harder and feel like a fresh punch in the gut every single morning but its like you are expecting the punch. There are still days I need to control my breathing and still moments of the day, I take a step back and crumble alone. I guess you begin to recognise the signs and learn to deal with it yourself because sadly this is one thing you will have to learn to deal with on your own. 
from peoples experiences and my reading, it helps to have your focus centered so kids and a spouse are something to deal with everyday. For everyone else, life is just rendered pointless including jobs and their grief is very personal. 
initially theres a lot of support, then it dwindles because people expect you to be fine. They don’t understand that there is no fine and that this is the loneliest, most excruciating time of your life. You are a rockstar just for making through a day without a major incident. 
Even if there are days you are not okay and the worst possible days, you will get through them. Time does not stop though it feels as though it has.

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