I didn't say goodbye

[persephone256]

I'm 21. My mom died 2 days ago from cancer, at home in bed. The thing is, as she was dying, I didn't realize that's what was happening. We were still calling for help. My dad thought she was having trouble breathing but could be helped. No one told me she was actually dying. I'm wondering now why they didn't tell me, or if they truly didn't realize what was happening. The way my dad talks about it, he thought that she was falling back asleep as her breathing relaxed. Maybe he didn't want to believe it either. In my frantic state, crying, hyperventilating, a part of me, I suppose, thought she could die, thought she might die. But I still had so much hope, it didn't seem like a sure thing to me. In retrospect, that's what was happening. She was on hospice and she was dying, even if I didn't want to believe she was. I feel so naive now, so stupid. I feel like I didn't spend the last days like I should have because I was in denial, trying to ignore how sick she actually was. In her last moments, I didn't say goodbye to her. I told her I loved her again and again even though she couldn't speak. I don't know if she even heard me, but I want to believe she did. But I didn't say goodbye. I didn't realize it was goodbye. And now I can't stop replaying that scene over and over again in my head, thinking about what I should have done or said. Or even the day itself. She was asleep, resting, for most of it, so I didn't want to disturb her. I didn't say anything to her that day. I remember sitting in her room with her for a little as she slept. The last thing I said to her, the day before, when she was still responsive was I love you, and she said it back to me. She said I love you, too. But it's tearing me up that I didn't tell her again, sooner. I'm wondering why I didn't see it coming. I knew it was coming, I just didn't think it would happen so soon. No one said "she's going to die tonight" or "she has 24 hours left". I had no idea how long she had left, but she was so deteriorated, I should have known it was coming soon. I should have spent more time by her side instead of thinking it was better to leave her alone to rest. I feel that sequence of events and the look on her face will haunt me for the rest of my life, and now I'm motherless and full of regret and sadness that it ended so horribly for her. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

My deepest sympathy and empathy to you. I lost my mom too and things replayed over and over for me as well. It’s so painful to lose a mother. I understand with protocols/precautions (covid) that counseling can be hard to come by, but I mention it because it helped me process a lot. I’m still processing two yrs later. But it helped me transform the replaying. It happens every once and awhile still, but I feel I can now ride the horrible wave. Sharing here helps me too. I remind myself that we had the amount of yrs together with unconditional love and that doesn’t go away just because she’s not physically here. My moms last 24hrs and whatever my choices were, she would understand and be supportive. I know her spirit felt my love and still feels it. The yearning for my mom has also been so hard and then feeling like because time has passed people feel my pain is over. My heart goes out to you. We do the best we can in traumatic experiences and our brains protect us through denial. You did everything you could and knew how to do. It’s hard enough to lose them and then us adding anything on top of that...isn’t good for our mind and bodies. Someone I really trust told me to repeat to myself “I release this”. I continue to say it. 
 

hugs,

nicole

[Leigh]

On 9/11/2020 at 3:47 AM, persephone256 said:

I'm 21. My mom died 2 days ago from cancer, at home in bed. The thing is, as she was dying, I didn't realize that's what was happening. We were still calling for help. My dad thought she was having trouble breathing but could be helped. No one told me she was actually dying. I'm wondering now why they didn't tell me, or if they truly didn't realize what was happening. The way my dad talks about it, he thought that she was falling back asleep as her breathing relaxed. Maybe he didn't want to believe it either. In my frantic state, crying, hyperventilating, a part of me, I suppose, thought she could die, thought she might die. But I still had so much hope, it didn't seem like a sure thing to me. In retrospect, that's what was happening. She was on hospice and she was dying, even if I didn't want to believe she was. I feel so naive now, so stupid. I feel like I didn't spend the last days like I should have because I was in denial, trying to ignore how sick she actually was. In her last moments, I didn't say goodbye to her. I told her I loved her again and again even though she couldn't speak. I don't know if she even heard me, but I want to believe she did. But I didn't say goodbye. I didn't realize it was goodbye. And now I can't stop replaying that scene over and over again in my head, thinking about what I should have done or said. Or even the day itself. She was asleep, resting, for most of it, so I didn't want to disturb her. I didn't say anything to her that day. I remember sitting in her room with her for a little as she slept. The last thing I said to her, the day before, when she was still responsive was I love you, and she said it back to me. She said I love you, too. But it's tearing me up that I didn't tell her again, sooner. I'm wondering why I didn't see it coming. I knew it was coming, I just didn't think it would happen so soon. No one said "she's going to die tonight" or "she has 24 hours left". I had no idea how long she had left, but she was so deteriorated, I should have known it was coming soon. I should have spent more time by her side instead of thinking it was better to leave her alone to rest. I feel that sequence of events and the look on her face will haunt me for the rest of my life, and now I'm motherless and full of regret and sadness that it ended so horribly for her. 

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 6 weeks ago. I can imagine the pain you’re feeling. I know it’s hard and you feel like you didn’t have enough time. I think we tend to go into a denial stage when our loved ones are sick. I too knew it was coming but I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t think it would happen that fast either but someone said to me that it’s never the right time even if it happens less quickly. I was with my mom when she passed too. I can’t stop thinking about the way her face looked either. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If you need to talk feel free to message me!

[TiredofPretending]

My deepest condolences for the loss of your mother. I'm 25 and I lost my mom from cancer as well in June. It was difficult. Similarly to you, I constantly replay the last couple days she was alive in my head. Could I have asked her more things before she became incoherent? Could I have asked her more about her life before she passed? I was on the night shift to take care of her if she was uncomfortable, and after the third night, I asked my dad, "Is it alright if I go back home and take this night sleep" and of course he said sure. To my surprise, my mom died that morning. 8:17am was when my dad tried to call me but for some reason my phone was on do not disturb, so I didn't get to see her before she left. This has plagued my mind for the last 5 months... but what I'm learning is that regardless of what my last words were, my mom knew that I loved her to the bottom of my heart, and that's the most important thing, right? I encourage you to give yourself grace, because YOU are the only person who can find your own peace through this terrible time. It's not easy, and it's a long process, but I wish us both luck in our respective journeys. 

Also, I felt naïve and stupid when my family told me that my mom was consistently asking for me when I was gone traveling for work, or when I was selfishly brooding alone in my apartment. I understand how you could feel naïve and stupid, but you weren't, and aren't. Just remember that you had no control over the situation, and it's not your fault you didn't know any better. It's not your fault. You're a human too, so remember to give yourself a break