They weren't perfect

[widower2]

I hope this doesn't come out wrong or offend anyone, but I think it's important and can be helpful to remember our lost loves weren't perfect. When you lose someone there's a tendency to put them on a pedestal and extol their virtues and talk about how amazing they were. And nobody's arguing that...but they were also human beings. They had faults. They weren't perfect.  I'm sure we can all think of times when our loved ones were out of line or had us fuming or grumbling under our breath and rightfully so.   That doesn't mean they still weren't wonderful. 

By the same token, we didn't exactly do everything wrong either, and given the tendency to beat one's self up at a time like this, I think that's also worth remembering.

Just thinking a little balance and perspective is in order. FWIW

 

[Gail 8588]

Widower2,

I hear you, and agree that our dead partners were not perfect angels.  But for me, and I think many of us, the amazing thing is that our partners loved us, knowing we were flawed, imperfect people and we loved them knowing they were flawed and imperfect people.  That our relationship, our life together, was in many ways more perfect than either of us individually. 

Over the course of 40 years my husband forgave me for stupid, thoughtless, things I did, and I forgave him. We helped each other through so many life challenges. Those trials and loving redemption of forgiveness built an incredibly strong bond between us.  

In my mind, my husband was perfect because he loved me knowing all my faults.  It's not that I don't remember that he was stubborn, sometimes impulsive, and could be quite cranky at times, it's that those things are insignificant in light of the fact that he really knew me, warts and all, and he loved me anyway.  

Just my thoughts, FWIW.

Gail

 

 

 

[widower2]

And I'm sure he would say much the same thing on all counts if positions were reversed.  

[KayC]

Good points!

[foreverhis]

I have definitely had to pull myself back from turning my husband into some kind of mythic hero.  Then again, why would I relate his imperfections when he's not here to refute or defend himself--or point out all of mine?

So I've come to say that he was an imperfect man who was perfect for me because that's what he was.

[Yoli]

Perfectly imperfect, like all of us.

[KayC]

On 9/11/2020 at 6:12 PM, foreverhis said:

I've come to say that he was an imperfect man who was perfect for me because that's what he was.

Exactly, same here!

[jwahlquist]

No one is perfect.  However when we find that person that fits our lives perfectly life can seem perfectly wonderful.  My husband wasn’t perfect and neither am I.   But we spent years working on perfecting our relationship.  It still wasn’t perfect but it was good.  I don’t pretend that it was all roses all of the time but it was good.  I had a best friend.  I had someone who loved me unconditionally and wanted to make me happy.   To me those are far more precious than perfect. Maybe someday I will find that again ........

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

Maybe someday I will find that again ........

I hope very much that when you are ready, you do.  You deserve to have love in your life.

[jwahlquist]

22 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I hope very much that when you are ready, you do.  You deserve to have love in your life.

Thank you  

At 42, I am not ready to decide to be alone forever.   I would like to have a best friend again. I would like to have a relationship with someone that I can enjoy life with.  

[Perro J]

I don't know why but this notion has crossed my mind too. No, she was not perfect but she was several notches above me measured in degrees of being a fine example of a human being. She had some beliefs and did a few things I disagreed with but that was well within her rights and I don't ask her to always see things my way. I don't think I'd find someone interesting if they were perfect. I like the line from Leonard Cohen's Anthem: There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.

[Rhonda R]

My husband looked like a mythic god, but he didn't always act like one and he was the first to admit that about himself.  I am, far from perfect myself.  In fact, this was part of our wedding vows to each other, "We are both far from perfect, but are perfect for each other."  We didn't write our vows together and yet, we both had that line in our vows.  When Randy's dad died, his sister put her dad on a pedestal and that bothered Randy.  He used to say, "Sometimes I wonder who she is talking about?"  He believed that the imperfect things about his dad made him just as much who he was and the person that Randy loved.  I've remembered this throughout this journey. 

I am lucky enough to see a therapist who did couples therapy for Randy and I after we got married and attempted to blend two households, which was not easy.  She knew him so when I talk about him, she knows exactly what I am talking about.  I said that to her in our last session, "I haven't forgotten that Randy could be difficult."  She responded with, "Yes, he sometimes had a very difficult personality."  I wasn't offended, she was right.  I was no bed of roses myself and we talked about that too.  Having both worked in the prison system, we both had a dominate personality.  Although that's one of the things that attracted us to the other, it also brought out the worst side in both of us during conflict.  We had to figure out how to harness that dominance and work together.  In the end we wanted the same thing, we just couldn't get there.  We both wanted it to work and we were committed to each other 100%.  I didn't mind the work, I just wanted someone who was willing to put in equal effort and I finally found him.  We worked super hard and I can easily say, the last half of our relationship, we had really learned how to communicate and work together. 

I miss the imperfect, as much as the perfect.    

[Gail 8588]

7 hours ago, Perro J said:

. . . she was not perfect but she was several notches above me measured in degrees of being a fine example of a human being.  . . .

Perro, 

I have struggled with this concept as well.  My husband was a "better" person than I am in most every way you can measure.  I am  not a bad person, but he was an exceptionally talented and creative person with the ability to bring out the best in others.  I am much more of an introvert. I am sure I am somewhere on the spectrum as I have some difficulty with reading body language or understanding humor.  I'm way too old to have ever been diagnosed,  but my natural inclination is to be more withdrawn.  

I often wonder why he was taken and I am still here. He would have contributed so much more to the world.

There is no answer to this question.  I have given up asking "why?", but it has bothered me.

Gail

[widower2]

It's late and I don't have time to respond as I'd like but wow excellent responses that I can relate to quite a bit. My beloved wasn't perfect (and she'd be the first to admit it) but easily a better human being than me, really it's a laughable comparison, and I don't mean that I'm horrible per se, but - and I realize people will chalk this up to me loving her or that she's gone etc etc - but truly she was like an angel on the face of the Earth. She always saw the best in people, even to a fault, and got along with pretty much everyone. There wasn't a mean bone in her body. Small wonder her service filled the church, with friends coming from as far as half-way across the country to her service. When I pass, I decided not to have a service. I shudder to think of the Elanor Rigby-like event. (Look that up you younger kids) 

I gave her at least 1000 reasons over the years to smack me upside the ahead (perhaps even literally!) but she didn't. Love is about patience and tolerance and wow she had it in spades whereas I - let's say was somewhat lacking more often than not. Did I appreciate her like I should have? No, because I'm a moron. Again not saying that because of circumstances, it's just reality. 

Wait we were talking about their imperfections weren't we   She had her quirks and often quoted the Billy Joel line "it just may be a lunatic you're looking for" - what I'd give for those quirks again.

 

 

 

[foreverhis]

On 9/10/2020 at 9:42 PM, Gail 8588 said:

In my mind, my husband was perfect because he loved me knowing all my faults.  It's not that I don't remember that he was stubborn, sometimes impulsive, and could be quite cranky at times, it's that those things are insignificant in light of the fact that he really knew me, warts and all, and he loved me anyway. 

Though my husband was rarely impulsive, he could be the opposite and take too long to make a decision.  It frustrated me at times, even though I sometimes do that too.  Other than that, yes to everything you wrote.

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, widower2 said:

I shudder to think of the Elanor Rigby-like event. (Look that up you younger kids) 

  I'm old enough to know exactly what you mean.  I'm reminded of a snippet of dialogue from The Big Chill.

"You'll never get this many people to come to my funeral."

"Oh, Karen, I'll come.  And you know...I'll bring a date."

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

We are both far from perfect, but are perfect for each other.

That is how we always felt.  I do not remember him unrealistically, he WAS perfect for me!  Did he have strengths and weaknesses?  Yes, just as I do!  But we made a perfect fit, a great team, and I could not believe how we clicked and felt together from the beginning!  Our communication was amazing!  And I always felt that in his arms was the best place in all the world to be.  I haven't had that feeling since.

[Perro J]

20 hours ago, widower2 said:

I shudder to think of the Elanor Rigby-like event. (Look that up you younger kids)

What?!?! Are you trying to tell me that Paul McCartney was in a band before Wings?

[Missy1]

Yes we are far from perfect, I keep thinking about all the the times I failed him and he failed me. Through it all we still loved each other deeply, that is what makes the difference. We are humans and we will always fall short, but we keep trying, we dust off, learn and our love grows. Now there are no more trials, no more adventures, just echoes, nightmares and long days...

We are the fortunate ones, we had  best days of our lives, some never find the love we had, hence the pain of 5he loss.

[Jttalways]

Once learning my husband passed, it is surprising the number of people who asked me "Was he a good husband" or "Did you have a happy marriage?"

 

[Brandon Gibson]

I think that's a very important point - but unfortunately in a time of Grief, it's very difficult to see it that way. Knowing that tablet abuse played a major role in my Wife's Death, I still blamed the Doctors - however one of them quite ironically mentioned "At some point the Patient has to start taking responsibility for his own Actions" !! - So yes I hear you - but it's very hard to accept. She was still my Universe and always will be.

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, Jttalways said:

Once learning my husband passed, it is surprising the number of people who asked me "Was he a good husband" or "Did you have a happy marriage?"

 

Wow.  Unbelievable, or maybe not.  Not a single person asked me that.  How terribly rude and how painful for you.

[widower2]

On 9/16/2020 at 3:12 PM, Jttalways said:

Once learning my husband passed, it is surprising the number of people who asked me "Was he a good husband" or "Did you have a happy marriage?"

Again my head swims with nasty responses for the well-deserved and perpetually stupid. PM me if you want them.  

On 9/16/2020 at 5:41 PM, Brandon Gibson said:

 the Doctors - however one of them quite ironically mentioned "At some point the Patient has to start taking responsibility for his own Actions" !! 

And again

[Tash B]

I couldn’t agree more with you. We have a tendency to always think about just the positives and there were ofc way more positives than negatives... however their were negatives and issues that came to surface while he was alive and even after 

[chincube]

During my journey of grief, I always look for stories of others that I can relate. When I try to relate with others who lost their spouse/partner, sometimes I feel ashamed and jealous reading how perfect their lost ones are. Mine was not perfect, and he left behind lots of wounds and scars.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only dealing this, that my loved one left behind mess?

[Gail 8588]

Chincube,

I am sure you are not alone.  This is really a pretty complex psychological topic. There are so many societal rules about 'don't speak ill of the dead'  or 'it is not fair to bad mouth someone that cannot defend themselves'  and 'don't air dirty laundry'  etc. 

If there are surviving children, we tend to want to not diminish their image of the deceased parent. 

Also, circumstances can impact how we feel about our dead spouse.  When my husband died we owned a money pit of a house that was falling down around our heads. It was full of the accumulated stuff of 40 years of 2 pack rats (me and my hubby).  We had discussed for years that we needed to sort out all this stuff, sell the house and get out from under that debt.  We never did any of it.  So all that sorting, and staging of the house and praying to sell it fell on me after he died.

If the house had not sold, I think I would be very bitter that I was saddled with a huge house I couldn't maintain, with debt I couldn't afford, etc. 

But fortunately, the house sold.  I now live in a modest home within my means and all of that financial stress is gone.  My memories of my hubby focus entirely on what an amazingly creative and generous soul he was.

Our spouses were not perfect, even if we don't share on this site their shortcomings.

We may be reluctant to share the darker side of our partners because people might think, if he/she was that bad why were you with them.  We were with them because of their good attributes. Their funny, loving, vulnerable characteristics and because despite all our faults, they loved us.  We miss that love and all the good parts of their being.  So that is what we tend to post about. 

Just my thoughts on the subject.

Gail

[chincube]

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

We may be reluctant to share the darker side of our partners because people might think, if he/she was that bad why were you with them.  We were with them because of their good attributes. Their funny, loving, vulnerable characteristics and because despite all our faults, they loved us.  We miss that love and all the good parts of their being.  So that is what we tend to post about. 

That's it I think. Because even when I'm angry or embarrassed of the imperfect things of his, I really miss him and a lot of happiness he brought. And I agree it's a complex psychological topic, just like the wide spectrum of emotions we feel in the process of grief.

But what you wrote will be a reminder for myself, that all our spouses/partners were not perfect like every human being, just that we usually choose to guard the good parts.

[widower2]

On 9/20/2020 at 11:34 AM, chincube said:

During my journey of grief, I always look for stories of others that I can relate. When I try to relate with others who lost their spouse/partner, sometimes I feel ashamed and jealous reading how perfect their lost ones are. Mine was not perfect, and he left behind lots of wounds and scars.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only dealing this, that my loved one left behind mess?

Hi, I wrote this post with people like you in mind most of all. No you aren't the only one to say the least and nobody's lost one was perfect, so please try to keep that in mind; it's not fair (though not uncommon) for you to feel ashamed OR jealous...as stated earlier, it's human nature to put them up on a pedestal and act as if they were perfect, like some kind of tribute (the least we can do, right?). Understandable just not entirely accurate. Frankly my loved one, wonderful as she was, wasn't perfect and left behind some mess too. I don't say that with anger or bitterness, in fact that's OK because I'm waaay far from it myself!!

 

[Knvsmom]

Shawn was far from perfect & I know it. He was very blunt, to the point of almost being rude, he was stubborn, he could be abrasive, personality wise. We had spats, full out arguments, even split up twice, but we found our way back to one another because love isn't about being perfect, it's about loving one another imperfections and all. We both had baggage, but we always told each other, "I Love You warts & all". I would give anything to listen to him snore me awake, drive me nuts asking me to get him something, or have him grumping about something just one more time. I miss him so very much.

[Jttalways]

I think I touched lightly on this subject in previous posts, but I will write briefly and honestly here. My husband and I had a rocky marriage. We married young at 19. My husband was sometimes abusive. I felt I always had to bend over backwards to please him. He would constantly accuse me of cheating, even though I never cheated on him or gave him a reason to suspect me of cheating. It's funny because here I am, 1 year later and I havent even come close to being romantically involved with anyone. I often say out loud to my husband "See? I'm all alone." 6 months before my husband was diagnosed with leukemia, I finally had enough. I threw the divorce word out there and for the 1st time in my life felt I could go thru with it. Then boom, disaster struck and all the divorce talk went out the window. My husband suffered so much battling his cancer. He would apologize to me all the time and also thanked me for always being by his side. One time he said "this is my karma." So I forgave my husband for everything. Now I choose to remember the times that were filled with love and happiness.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Jttalways said:

Now I choose to remember the times that were filled with love and happiness.

That's best, I think.  I remember the difficult moments and days my husband and I had, but they are mostly in the back of my mind.  They are not what I choose to think about day to day.

We were married for 35 years, both stubborn, both with a touch of temper, so of course we didn't always get along perfectly.  He was smart, honest, funny, and caring, but sometimes he drove me to distraction when he couldn't decide on something.  He was not always as outwardly "romantic" or demonstrative as I wanted--and he knew it, so he did try (some of the time).  He could be incredibly thoughtful too.  He'd make me a cup of tea or pour me a glass of wine just because he knew it would please me.  He'd buy me a little something for the kitchen or for our music because I am not a diamonds and roses girl.  And he could make me smile and laugh like no one else on earth.  I knew I was safe with him.  I choose to remember those things and I choose to tell our happy stories because they're what I want to remember and what I want others to know about him.

The thread of love was always there, sometimes frayed a bit, but never, never breaking.  We rarely fought, but when we did, we had rules.  Mostly, we were best friends, lovers, partners in good times and bad and, finally, unbearably painful.  He was far from perfect, but so was I.  And so I hope he has forgiven me my faults and failings as I have forgiven his.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Knvsmom said:

we always told each other, "I Love You warts & all"

I love that, that's what it's all about!