My dad died and I am not okay

[shannsers]

It has been a little over four years since my dad died and I am not okay. My dad was my best friend. He was always there to listen when I had a bad day or a fight with my mom (parents divorced when I was young). And then one day he was gone. He wasn't sick. He didn't have cancer or anything like that. One day he was here and fine, and the next day he was gone. He had some minor health issues. He was overweight and had high blood pressure. His cause of death was a severe heart attack. Or at least that's what the EMT's that found him think. The EMT's wouldn't let me or my brothers into the house. They said based on how they found his body and his surroundings that he had a severe heart attack and fell back into his bed. I suppose there is some comfort knowing he was in his bed and not in the middle of the floor. I never got to say goodbye. I didn't get to plan for this or take him to do some of his favorite things before he died. He was just gone. I remember exactly what I was doing, exactly what I was wearing when I got the call. I can replay the events of that day second for second exactly how it happened, even now. It's been four years and I have never really had anyone to talk to about it. About how I feel so guilty that he's dead. How I didn't do anything to help him. Losing my dad has been really hard on me. I have tried to kill myself numerous times because that's the only way I can be with him again. I know that sounds selfish because I would be leaving behind a bunch of people that care about me, but at the same time I don't want to be here to deal with this pain anymore. People who say time heals everything, clearly have never lost someone they care about. It's been four years and time hasn't done anything for me.

[cloudyday]

shannsers I understand that feeling of loss and loneliness. My mother didn't die unexpectedly but she got sick unexpectedly. She went from being healthier than I am, helping me out, independent to having brain cancer and dependent. She had 3 surgeries (the last one they removed part of the skull) for the brain cancer and another for a breast cancer found at the same time. I miss her every day. She was my best friend and I don't have much family left and most of my friends have faded away due to my inability to go out much. I understand the loneliness, the loss. 

I realize it may not help much for me to say this, but I'm going to anyway. It's not your fault you were not there. It's not your fault he had a heart attack. 

I go through every detail and event before losing my mother and nitpick every detail. I look for reasons why I could have done better. I understand that feeling of guilt. It's been so hard for me to lose my mother and my best friend. 

[shannsers]

Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss. I forgot to mention in my initial post that I feel guilty because my dad had been dead for 4 days before we had found him. He died and was all alone for 4 days. 

[cloudyday]

I understand that thought and that pain. I don't know your beliefs and I want to be careful not to break any website rules but in my mind he was never alone. In my mind, your father probably went instantaneously to be with other loved ones he had been missing. 

[StillAlive]

On 9/10/2020 at 2:28 PM, shannsers said:

It has been a little over four years since my dad died and I am not okay. My dad was my best friend. He was always there to listen when I had a bad day or a fight with my mom (parents divorced when I was young). And then one day he was gone. He wasn't sick. He didn't have cancer or anything like that. One day he was here and fine, and the next day he was gone. He had some minor health issues. He was overweight and had high blood pressure. His cause of death was a severe heart attack. Or at least that's what the EMT's that found him think. The EMT's wouldn't let me or my brothers into the house. They said based on how they found his body and his surroundings that he had a severe heart attack and fell back into his bed. I suppose there is some comfort knowing he was in his bed and not in the middle of the floor. I never got to say goodbye. I didn't get to plan for this or take him to do some of his favorite things before he died. He was just gone. I remember exactly what I was doing, exactly what I was wearing when I got the call. I can replay the events of that day second for second exactly how it happened, even now. It's been four years and I have never really had anyone to talk to about it. About how I feel so guilty that he's dead. How I didn't do anything to help him. Losing my dad has been really hard on me. I have tried to kill myself numerous times because that's the only way I can be with him again. I know that sounds selfish because I would be leaving behind a bunch of people that care about me, but at the same time I don't want to be here to deal with this pain anymore. People who say time heals everything, clearly have never lost someone they care about. It's been four years and time hasn't done anything for me.

"I don't want to be here to deal with this pain anymore."

 

^^^^ this is how every day feels. It's my life. I've often thought about what kind of hurt I could give myself to make the grief hurt less

[reader]

Dear Shannsers,

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Losing your dad so suddenly is very painful. It is a struggle to carry on but I hope you will try and talk to a counselor, pastor or trusted family or friend. It is a lonely feeling losing a beloved parent but there are people who love you and care about you. And they would be heartbroken to think you have reached the point of wanting to leave them. I don't know where you live but there are 24/7 distress lines and there is help.

It has been four years since I lost my dad too. I blame myself still for making a fatal mistake in his care. My parents were also divorced and I tried to be there for my dad, but I failed him in the end. There have been times I too thought, I had enough, but I couldn't tell anyone. All the feelings and thoughts are churning inside and sometimes its hard to know who to trust and who can help.

Please know we are with you. And you can talk to us.

Thinking of you.

[shannsers]

Thank you so much. This actually means a lot to me. I have had a hard time finding anyone to talk to about it because I don't really have anyone close to me that has lost a parent and knows what it feels like. I know a lot of people have lost people they love, I have lost many people in my life, but the pain is so much deeper when it is your parent. It has been hard for me to find someone who understands and is willing to talk. I keep thinking of all the things that my father missed and will miss in my life because he is not here and it really hurts. I got married a couple years ago and he wasn't here to walk me down the aisle. He will never meet any of my children. Things like that make it so much harder to deal with. I have been seeing a counselor for a couple months now. And I have been on some medication just as long. I feel like it is helping. I don't think about killing myself as much anymore. 

I am sorry for your loss as well. I am thinking of you as well.

[Leigh]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I just lost my mom 5 weeks ago and she was my best friend. I'm really having trouble living without her. I know what you mean when you say you want to be with him. I've thought about that many times but then I also think about the fact that my mom would never want me to get there that way and then there's the uncertainty in my mind that what if I'm not reunited with her. I totally understand what it is like to have your mind go there. I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you need to talk feel free to message me. 

[shannsers]

Thank you so much. I am so sorry for your loss as well. I agree that my dad wouldn't want me to be reunited with him because I killed myself but it's just been so hard without him. There are so many things I want to say to him and ask him. If you need to talk, I'm available as well. Thank you!

[Bebari]

Dear Shannsers,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally could relate to your post. My mom died unexpectedly  too.  She didn't  have cancer or any major health issues. Like your late dad, she suffered  high blood pressure.  I learnt that she experienced  stroke then went into coma (for like like 48 hours) and never came out. I never had the chance to say good bye. I was abroad (approx 24 hours flight away from home).

It will be 4 years in November and I can tell you that I physically still feel pain. It hurt so bad that some days I don't  want to leave the house. She was my everything. My dad passed away before I turned 3; So mom was the only parent I knew.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It's  really a though journey. But hang in there. I always tell myself that  mom would want me to live and do all the things that she couldn't  do. And that thought has actually been helping me to keep going. Sending thoughts and prayers your way

[shannsers]

I am so sorry for your loss as well. I bet it was really hard finding out that your mom passed when you weren't even in the country. I am sorry to hear about your father as well. I'm sure you probably don't remember him much, but it couldn't have been easy growing up without him. I couldn't imagine your situation. I wouldn't know what to do with myself losing my only parent. I am trying really hard to hang in there. I recently moved into my dads house, where he passed away, and I think that triggered a lot of bad memories. I have good days and I have bad days, but here lately it feels like more bad days than good.

[Zee24]

I am so sorry for your loss. Keep writing and checking back in, I can listen if nothing else. Its so painful, excruciatingly painful or at times you just get numb but I find that it never leaves you. I hope you are settling back into the house and not finding it difficult. I honestly don’t understand how time heals, it doesn’t. Life just doesnt hold the same charm. 

[Anais]

Hi Shannon,

I’m new here and was hoping I’d maybe find someone on here that has experienced a similar loss to me. As I can see there are many. 
 

I remember the day the police came to my house very clearly and it still hurts just as much as it did 8 months ago. It makes me sick that he died on his own and had no chance of getting any help at all. What I can’t live with is knowing I won’t be able to see him anymore and speak to him. I too have thought many times about wanting to be with him but I know he wouldn’t want me to leave my mum and sister. 
 

a lot of people I’ve noticed seem to think that after a certain amount of time has passed that it gets easier. But it really is like you’ve lost a limb and I struggle to comprehend that I’ll be alive for longer than he’s been in my life. I am with you all and hoping we can all get through this xx

[shannsers]

Zee24,

Thank you. I'm sorry it took a few days to reply but your words have helped. I have been taking medication and going to therapy and it has helped a lot. The pain is still there. It always will be. I lost my father, and like anyone else who posts on this site can tell you, life will never be the same. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have anyone close to me that had experienced something similar (losing a parent) so I really haven't been able to talk about how I was feeling and dealing with the grief. Usually if I would talk to a friend, they would just say something generic like "I'm sorry" or "it will get better". Here in the last couple months I have been able to deal with the grief and trauma and it has helped me feel less numb. There were days when I couldn't even be bothered to get out of bed and now I haven't had many of those days. Being in this house has gotten a lot easier too. It would be way better if we could get the remodeling done, but that's a different story. 

 

Anais,

I was just like you when I posted this on here. It was my first post and I really just wanted to find someone in a similar situation that understood how I felt. I don't have many comments on here, but each one has been super helpful to me. Seeing the kind words of strangers has helped a lot in my healing and I hope that you are able to find some comfort here too. I agree with my dad not wanting me to leave my mother or my brothers. Since my dad has passed away, I got married, so now I also have to think about leaving behind my husband. I know my dad wouldn't want me to do that, even if it did mean that I got to be with him again. I also understand how you feel. My dad was 47 when he had his heart attack and I was 22. This happened just 1 month after I graduated college. Although he did not get to come to my graduation because of his work schedule rather than not being alive anymore, that was the first of so many things in my life he wont be here for. He wasn't there to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. He will never meet my children. He will never get to be here to celebrate all of the achievements in my life. And sadly, I have a lot of life left to live without him here. At least hopefully I do, but at the same time that is a lot of stuff he wont be around for, and that makes me sad. 

[Zee24]

Dear shannsers, I am so sorry for how you are feeling. Its true the words of kindness spoken by strangers help. And the pain. I have read here and elsewhere, that it becomes a part of you but you learn to survive with it. I don’t know what the future holds, frankly getting through a day itself is so hard. But the future, so many wonderful things to look forward to, are devoid of pleasure. We as humans turn to contemplation of a future as in our control and so favourable. It is such a nice daydream and escape from everyday problems. Now that too is lost from us because no future can give us what we want. There is no version of it. I can only understand too well your pain. Nothing holds any joy or satisfaction or even peace.