Members cloudyday Posted September 10, 2020 Members Report Share Posted September 10, 2020 Hey all, you may have noticed I'm new around here. I lost my father and grandmother over the last 10 years and then lost my mother 1 1/2 years ago to brain cancer. Before she was diagnosed, she was healthier than I am (was) and we both kinda thought she might outlive me. Because of my health, among other things, I have very little support network. Two months after losing my mother, I thought I was going to lose my mind and adopted a little dog. Turned out she had been in a puppy mill, so I basically rescued her and she's had alot of health issues herself. For me, that is kind of like having a sick kid. I can deal with my health issues but seeing her suffer is hard. But she is like my child and bringing her into my life has helped me to survive. I wasn't sleeping at night and the nights were SOOO long, after I got her, that got a little better. I brought her home, put her in her little doggie crate. And then she cried. I think she spent a sum total of 5 minutes in there before I picked her up and put her in bed with me. She makes things just a little easier. She is the sweetest little thing you would hope to bring into your life. Anyway, she is pretty much the extent of my social network. It's hard for me to leave the house so even without covid, I don't get out a lot. My significant other is another whole story but basically over 20 years I have given up everything in an effort to make the relationship work and gotten little in return (hindsight). So, mistakes made, lessons learned, I have very little left. He is very emotionally immature and tends to throw tantrums so I have to keep a wary eye out. Sometimes he can be supportive but for the most part I'm on my own. I have 2-3 friends. Only one of which is even close enough to depend on enough to drive me 2 miles to take my car into the shop. I have gotten to know a friend of a friend long distance who I am wondering that has her own issues so the drama may turn out to be too much for me. So, rewind. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer, literally THAT day we were discussing a life change of both selling our homes and moving into the same one together (each on a different level). The plan being we could help each other out and as she got older I could hopefully pick up the slack. I struggle to understand the whys of it all. It just seems like I was going down a healthy road for my life, and so was she. We were both very much looking forward to this idea. Now, I struggle with what to look forward to. She was my best friend in the world and the loneliness ...just permeates my life. I've always been a survivor, pretty optimistic really. When life throws out lemons, you make some lemonade. Not so much at this point. After a year and a half of being beat up (and the close to two years of off and on caretaking with dishonest neighbors and an unsupportive sibling who had checked out), I'm really struggling. I'm not that pillar of strength I used to be. The person who worked past the odds with all of life's struggles including impossible health issues. I've read some of the recent posts. I know I'm not alone in these feelings. I guess I just need to hear it from you. How are you managing? Or not managing? What are you thinking? How are you feeling? What do you do when the loneliness starts to feel overwhelming and you just can't stop crying? What do you do when it's just not enough to try to "help" others as a distraction? I so much appreciate having found this group Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Zee24 Posted September 13, 2020 Members Report Share Posted September 13, 2020 So sorry for your loss. I think I have read a lot of newspaper articles without comprehending them if I need to distract myself. Thats what I do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Peony Posted September 16, 2020 Members Report Share Posted September 16, 2020 My loss was 8mths ago..my mother..big shock and feels raw some days still. I struggle with the worry of where is she now ? Is she ok? Safe? Is her soul at peace ? Those type of things,..so I read books on grief, life after death etc...it helps me. If I have a day of crying non stop, I hide from the kids and sob. I sometimes try to distract myself with a funny show or mindless articles....but the most helpful thing is writing in a journal. I write down how I feel like I'm talking to my mum, that helps me a lot. Hugs to you...look after yourself one day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members StillAlive Posted September 18, 2020 Members Report Share Posted September 18, 2020 Cloudy. I'm sorry. I'm not sure how any of us manage. Death is so hard. The hurt is endless some days. And nothing's going to fix it. I'm the opposite of optimistic....sorry. It's just I mean WTF. How did this happen to us. How are we supposed to feel all of this at once. It's crushing... I get to the end of every day and question how I made it one more day. In reality we are all freaking rock stars. This is hard. In my opinion there's nothing harder....at least not that I've experienced. I'm so tired. Are you tired? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cloudyday Posted September 18, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted September 18, 2020 I'm SOOO tired StillAlive. SOO tired. Things happen from time to time where I have to "deal" with everyday life stuff and sometimes I'm so low it just takes me down. I feel like I'm a mess and that I'm a downer to those who aren't going through all this. I feel so alone on the bad days. Everyone is so busy. My little dog has an issue where I've had to decide whether or not for her to have surgery *again*. And it's been utter turmoil because she is my 'go to girl' (yes, my dog). As she gets older, she seems to be in tune with me and seems to just read my mind. I'm so afraid of something bad happening in surgery, or her condition getting worse (it's possible but low probability) so it's scary. Since I have health issues I worry about being strong enough to get her through it. And then she'll need physically therapy which gives more worries of making sure to choose a place that will help and not hurt her. Normal life stuff seems so challenging now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members StillAlive Posted September 18, 2020 Members Report Share Posted September 18, 2020 Me too cloudy. Never thought I could feel still much sadness and disconnecting. Just know we are out here and we understand.... I lost my 18 year old furry girl a week after my fathers diagnosis. She was my go to also. I still miss her everyday. Pour furries really are so irreplaceable...like parents. It's scary and hard dealing with all of the things life just keeps dumping on us isn't it... Normal life stuff takes everything in me and there are days I don't move...days I give up the fight. I think it's important to take some of those days....whether it's 4 days...4 months or 4 years after death... I wish the tiredness would ease up for the both of us. For everyone going through grief Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cloudyday Posted September 18, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted September 18, 2020 StillAlive, I appreciate your support and comments. Although I wouldn't want anyone to suffer like this, it makes me feel less ...alone... Yeah, I feel like...everyone is so...mean...anymore. And maybe it's just me. But it just feels like when I need to make calls, go places, most people are so impatient and so rude and unkind. Maybe it just didn't bother me before. Now, it's just hard to deal with. I just want people to be nice to me. It takes everything out of me that people can be so mean. I try very hard to think about public interactions and to make nice comments to others I encounter. Thanks so much for your response(s), helps to give me just a little more hope of getting through it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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