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It doesn't get any easier


StillAlive

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My father was my best friend. I was with him when he died. It's been 7 months.  I was holding his head as he took his last breath...he really fought for that last breath. He was so strong. People say that makes me blessed. Blessed to have gotten that time with him...to have gotten all the time i had with him.  I don't get it.  That wasn't how he was supposed to leave this life. It hurts so much. It never gets better. I wasn't prepared for this. He'll never get to see me get married...walk me down the aisle...meet my kids... I didn't think it would hurt this much. He tried so hard. We went through so much just to get those last couple of years. It wasn't enough.  Nobody wants to talk about it. They just keep living...like nothing happened. My ENTIRE WORLD WAS SHATTERED and they just don't get it. I don't know how to help them understand. I'm not sure that I can help them. It takes everything in me not to lay in bed and waste away. I'm so tired of fighting to function in this world. It doesn't get any easier.  I am so tired of platitudes. So tired of forcing myself to push my grief aside so I can function. I'm so tired of feeling grief. It doesn't get any easier or feel any better. You just feel it and it feels like sh*t.

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I get it StillAlive. I get it. My mother had brain cancer. She had 3 surgeries including 2 for infections and removing bone. She was my best friend in the world and I thought if anything got her it would be heart disease or lung issues. Nope. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and a brain tumor on the same day. Maybe I was in shock at first. I too watched her take her last breath. I held her hand and watched her suffer. How can someone say that is a blessing?!? The pain of that memory! I MISS HER SO MUCH! The loneliness just permeates most of the time. I work so hard to find distractions, just to get through each day. You are right, though. They don't get it. And they won't, until it's their mom ..or dad. They tell us what we should be doing and what we should be doing to move on. How can they even think they have the slightest idea? How can someone think they can "understand" this pain by "asking (their) mother"? 

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I've begun to run out of distractions (I've been told that distractions are a healthy coping mechanism). It leaves too much time to think. I hate that people think your supposed to push past grief and get over it. My life will never be the same...i can't just get over it...

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I am experiencing these feelings as well. My dad was my best friend through everything. He was always looking out for me and I also have been dealing with him not being able to meet my kids or walk me down the aisle. I lost him unexpectedly last week and I'm not sure what part of the grief stage I'm in.. it feels like I go through all of them multiple times a day.. I wish i had something to comfort you, but im not even sure how to comfort myself either. 

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Hang in there Lexi, StillAlive. I feel your pain. Lexi (from a non-professional's point of view), you very possibly are feeling many stages of grief. Pieces of each stage at whatever time fits your timeline. I was blessed with ALOT of shock at first that numbed the pain. Not that it was any easier, just less devastating and out of control. For me. As times goes on, less shock, more devastation. I suppose I have to go through that but knowing it doesn't make the pain any less. The frustration of dealing with a world full of people who tell me how I ought to handle life and how I ought to handle pain, that frustrates me. Your pain is your apin and you are going to feel it in your own way. I hope peace for both of you, and rest for the night. I hope for kindness, compassion and understanding from those you encounter. Some emotional and physical rest to strengthen you. 

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Lexi and Cloudy I am so sorry for each of your losses. I remember being somewhat numb also...immediately after. I kind of zombied through those first few weeks. My family planned a wake within that first week...it was so weird. I hadn't even accepted my father's death and there we were... supposed to celebrate his life...I am still not sure reality has fully set in and it's been 7 months. I still grab my phone to call my dad sometimes...then it hits all fucking over again. Just keep going. That's all that gets me through some days and that's really all I can say. Just take a deep breath and say it. And even if keeping going is being a vegetable and crying for hours on end.... BE THAT. It's ok. Just remember to not stay there.

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Dear StillAlive,

Thinking of you. The grief we feel is so devastating and lonely. It's hard to see people moving on and living and in our own world we are dealing with so much pain and hurt. I found for myself the first year was the hardest. The intensity of if knocked me down. Keep taking it day by day and doing the best you can. I found it didn't get easier till around 18 months, but even now there are days I feel knocked down about my dad. Wish so bad he could still be here.

(((hugs)))

 

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On 9/9/2020 at 4:10 AM, StillAlive said:

My father was my best friend. I was with him when he died. It's been 7 months.  I was holding his head as he took his last breath...he really fought for that last breath. He was so strong. People say that makes me blessed. Blessed to have gotten that time with him...to have gotten all the time i had with him.  I don't get it.  That wasn't how he was supposed to leave this life. It hurts so much. It never gets better. I wasn't prepared for this. He'll never get to see me get married...walk me down the aisle...meet my kids... I didn't think it would hurt this much. He tried so hard. We went through so much just to get those last couple of years. It wasn't enough.  Nobody wants to talk about it. They just keep living...like nothing happened. My ENTIRE WORLD WAS SHATTERED and they just don't get it. I don't know how to help them understand. I'm not sure that I can help them. It takes everything in me not to lay in bed and waste away. I'm so tired of fighting to function in this world. It doesn't get any easier.  I am so tired of platitudes. So tired of forcing myself to push my grief aside so I can function. I'm so tired of feeling grief. It doesn't get any easier or feel any better. You just feel it and it feels like sh*t.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I totally understand having to push through the grief and being tired of it. I feel like everyday is Groundhog’s day. I just go through the motions of the day but it’s a struggle. Every minute is a struggle. If you need to talk feel free to reach out!

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On 9/9/2020 at 7:37 PM, StillAlive said:

I've begun to run out of distractions (I've been told that distractions are a healthy coping mechanism). It leaves too much time to think. I hate that people think your supposed to push past grief and get over it. My life will never be the same...i can't just get over it...

I have begun to run out of stuff to read. I have tried reading novels but I find I just concentrate that long and find it exhausting. Articles are easier to navigate but nothing really sustains my interest. And TV just seems noisy, honestly I cant stand it. 
it’s definitely hard. All I want to do is cry and cry and brood. I still cant believe what has happened. I am still coming to terms with it. It doesnt feel real. 
there seems no purpose to doing anything anymore including chores. 
 

On 9/18/2020 at 3:04 PM, reader said:

Dear StillAlive,

Thinking of you. The grief we feel is so devastating and lonely. It's hard to see people moving on and living and in our own world we are dealing with so much pain and hurt. I found for myself the first year was the hardest. The intensity of if knocked me down. Keep taking it day by day and doing the best you can. I found it didn't get easier till around 18 months, but even now there are days I feel knocked down about my dad. Wish so bad he could still be here.

(((hugs)))

 

Taking it day by day is what we can do. I don’t know whether this grief should be suppressed and ignored or thought about. I have read Joan Didions blue nights and it was so sad. I can only read really sad things right now. People want us to get over it and I was reading that nobody actually wants to feel this way, it just happens. Basic functioning is fine for now if thats all we are capable of. 

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Zee, 

Hugs to you as well. Basic functioning is all I have theses days, and even that is a challenge.  I too cannot focus on ANYTHING. I am in school also, so that has become the biggest challenge, especially since everything is online. I believe that nobody would want to feel this way. I have been lower than I ever thought I could go.  It is a win that I am still alive. All I do is cry and cry, and I have just begun to see that as normal and I think for right now, thats okay, I keep puffs plus lotion EVERY WHERE.  Lets just say I am working on improving my cry face...

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I count it a win to make it through every day and yes its a win we are alive, because there are so many bad moments piled together in a day. I gravitate from utter despair to rage and anger and then tears. I truly dont know what I am supposed to do to deal with this. 

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Zee, 

I wish I had an answer for you. I guess all we can do is feel it all. I see a therapist, it is helpful to have some perspective and insight from an outside source (that I trust).  I recommend looking into this. I see my doc virtually now, but I still recommend it. 

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Dear Zee,

Please know your feelings during grief are natural and normal. The feelings are raw and can go from anger to tears. I find for myself it was important to allow myself to have these feelings and not to hold them back. Others had suggested journaling to me, video blogs, painting, other arts and crafts...anything that would allow me to express my feelings. I also tried a grief support group and grief counselling. The intensity of the feelings will lessen over time but in the beginning it's very hard and overwhelming.

I'm with you and making it through each day is a victory. I know it sometimes doesn't feel that way, but it really is.

My thoughts are with you.

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