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Loss of a kitten due to me....


Serpintino

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This is incredibly difficult for me... I have had pets all my life. Growing up with them and being there at the end. But this event that took place 2 days ago has me in a horrible place. I found a 5 week old kitten a week or so back. He was super healthy, other than being covered in fleas. As kittens do, he would wake up cry for food, eat, zoom around and then pass out for 6 hours. He had a crazy personality and I could not wait to see him grow up. He was a sweet boy, that would climb on my chest at bed time and just stare at me and purr till he fell asleep. He got along great with my other two cats and all was well. I had a strict rule that (knowing how adventurous kittens are), that anytime someone was going to sit in the lazy boy, you had to have eyes on the kitten, no exceptions!! Well I broke this rule, as soon as I sat down I felt this extreme kicking and intense struggling..... I jumped up and pulled the chair up and his limp body fell out... he was trying to breath, but gurgling and every exhale blood would spout out. I could see his chest was crushed and he was just staring at me. I cannot explain the grief and guilt I feel for what happened. I can’t close my eyes with out seeing the horrific site of him or thinking of the desperate struggle I felt as soon as I sat down.. i am at a loss, his death was completely preventable, if I would have just checked.... i have been a train wreck for the last 3 days now and cannot stop. I have this horrible, gut wrenching and self loathing that will not dissipate and I don’t know what do.

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I love my Basset Hound

I’m very sorry for your lost. We make mistakes and unfortunately sometimes it ends up losing our fur baby. He knows how much you loved him and didn’t mean to hurt him. You gave him the best quality of life and saved him when you found him. I know there’s no words I can say that will ease the pain your going through. I’m so very sorry for your lost. I hope he pays you a visit to let you know his doing great and loves you. 

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Collettesweetbear
This is incredibly difficult for me... I have had pets all my life. Growing up with them and being there at the end. But this event that took place 2 days ago has me in a horrible place. I found a 5 week old kitten a week or so back. He was super healthy, other than being covered in fleas. As kittens do, he would wake up cry for food, eat, zoom around and then pass out for 6 hours. He had a crazy personality and I could not wait to see him grow up. He was a sweet boy, that would climb on my chest at bed time and just stare at me and purr till he fell asleep. He got along great with my other two cats and all was well. I had a strict rule that (knowing how adventurous kittens are), that anytime someone was going to sit in the lazy boy, you had to have eyes on the kitten, no exceptions!! Well I broke this rule, as soon as I sat down I felt this extreme kicking and intense struggling..... I jumped up and pulled the chair up and his limp body fell out... he was trying to breath, but gurgling and every exhale blood would spout out. I could see his chest was crushed and he was just staring at me. I cannot explain the grief and guilt I feel for what happened. I can’t close my eyes with out seeing the horrific site of him or thinking of the desperate struggle I felt as soon as I sat down.. i am at a loss, his death was completely preventable, if I would have just checked.... i have been a train wreck for the last 3 days now and cannot stop. I have this horrible, gut wrenching and self loathing that will not dissipate and I don’t know what do.


I’m so so sorry for your loss. I came on the site to check and see if anyone had left some encouragement. As soon as I read your story about him climbing on your chest to go to sleep, I felt the tears fall. My story is “my baby girl scooter” if you would like to read it. Scooter climb up on my chest to sleep every night for 17 years. I have major depression from my dad who died from depression when I was fourteen. You know as long as I had scooter she helped sooth the terrible anxiety and depression I’ve lived with. She was my real baby. I see you mentioned you had pets all growing up. We were not allowed to ever have a dog or cat since my sister had Asthma and bad Allergies. Scooter was the only pet I ever had. I too was at fault for her end. I don’t think I can repeat too much maybe it’s better if you feel like reading it, but no pressure at all you are in terrible pain. I’ve basically sat here only crying for 7 straight months. She would still be with me right now, right this minute but, because of me her last months were her sad, depressed and she had this beautiful life before. She never heard a raised voice ever. I didn’t want her last golden years to end this way. Everyone at this point, my family, etc has told me look it’s been 7 months just get over it. I’m sorry about the accident. I guess just like me it was an accident. I didn’t mean for scooters life to end and you didn’t mean for things to go down like this either. I can understand cats getting to be senior and then one day well, it’s time. But, it wasn’t time yet. Listen to me it’s not your fault or my fault. To me if you do things intentionally that’s saved to people to suffer. You and I didn’t mean to it was all an accident and if we could change things back I would ask for nothing else the rest of my life. I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I know it’s really bad pain. Maybe one day we can forgive ourselves. Our two kitties know we are suffering like this and they are sad we are suffering from guilt. It’s all gonna come down to us forgiving ourself. I wish I knew why these things happen. I guess it’s the messy part of life. Try to take slow deep breaths. They have already forgiven us. We will get there one day too. I have you in my thoughts and prayers.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com
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My heart is broken for you. This was a tragic accident and I hope you will forgive yourself sooner than later. Sadly, you are not alone here - I've read many stories of people leaving windows open - the list goes on and on, everything you can imagine has happened. But I am so so sorry to read this.  

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OMG, that is so horrible, I am so sorry!  It isn't uncommon, unfortunately, for kittens to die from accidents as they explore everything.  I agree with the others here, try not to "blame" yourself, we are human and so not foresee everything.

I hope you will read these article and find some help in them:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-kittens.html
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
Loss And The Burden Of Guilt
When Guilt Overshadows Grief
When Guilt Goes Unresolved

I also hope you find some comfort in watching this short video, I truly believe they are happy, not in any pain, and we'll be with them again someday.

 

 

 

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@KayC, @AJWCat, @Collettesweetbear & @I love my Basset Hound,

Thank you all for reaching out. It really does mean something to me. It is strange to think, I was in the Marine Corps and deployed to Afghanistan, I struggled through addiction and got clean..... But this is one of the heaviest weights I have had to carry. I won’t go into detail, but he just stared at me for help, when I’m the one who did this to him... and I’ll leave out the rest but, I literally can see it as a movie in my head.... Excuse my profanity, but this is just fucked. There is no rhyme or reason to it and it’s all my fault. 

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I get it...I've been through much in my life, but losing my Arlie was by far one of the hardest, only surmounted by the loss of my husband 15 years ago.  Arlie was everything to me.

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Collettesweetbear
I get it...I've been through much in my life, but losing my Arlie was by far one of the hardest, only surmounted by the loss of my husband 15 years ago.  Arlie was everything to me.2


Had a difficult day KayC. Felt really down and depressed about baby scooter. The loss, the guilt, it’s all there. I just past Arlie’s pic of him with that gorgeous smile. No one can feel down while looking at that sweet puppy doggie. I’m glad Arlie was your sweet baby. I bet you too had so much fun together. Seeing his picture Smiling I felt happy and warm in my heart. Look at that even me looking at Arlie’s beautiful smile and you forget your sadness for a little while. Very Special you and Arlie. [emoji173]️
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Thank you, it was his beautiful smile in the paper that caused me to say, "I HAVE to have that dog!"  I loved watching his smile, I miss him so bad!

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