Loss of a Friend

[sorrowfull1]

I recently turned 60 and got an itch to look up childhood and military friends. That's when I discovered that my best friend from the Navy had passed away. It really hit me hard, because he and I had unfinished business, that I was hoping to resolve. We were actually very close, because of his kind and gentle characteristics. I was so tired of the clinical psychopaths, that I had to work with every day. I felt it was a bessing to have his company. One day, one of the tech shop's po's told me that he was "gay," in just about the most offensive way he coud manage. I suspect he did this to destroy our relationship, as we were inseparable. He succeeded. I started to place more distance between us, hoping not to be targeted as gay myself, even though he was the best firend, I had ever had. In fact, I found a new best friend, that I thought would improve my image. Let me tell you, I traded down. My new best friend was hooked up with a bunch of snitches, that bullied me and set people up, for real!

I still maintained friendly relations with him; but, felt ashamed about my relationship with him and ashamed that I had betrayed him. I remember, that he once introduced me to his mother as "the guy who was going to go skiing with him, then renegged." This is when we were visiting Los Angeles on leave, from NAS Lemoore. Damn that hurt. His mom was for sure, going to treat me like a POS, from that point on. When we were both about to be discharged, I arranged to loan him my car, for six months in exchange for helping me find an apartment, when I received my discharge, six months after his. He did help me get started in LA; but, both he and his family were really cool toward me and helped me as little as possible. Frankly, I couldn't blame them; but, it also became clear that he was becomming more open about his homosexuality and wanting to bring sex into our relationship, even if primarily as a way to retaliate.

He started coming to see me about once a week, after I got my apartment; and, things started to warm up a bit; but, eventully got tense, when he asked me to be his roommate in Northridge, after I had already been established in my apartment for about 2 years. I remember how hard it was to tell him, I wasn't going to move in with him, even though his demand was kind of unreasonable, under the circumstances. I also felt, it was his intention to take control of my life "and" bring "sex" into our relationship. I really didn't want to have sex with him; but, still felt a strong connection to him, I have to describe as "love." We met only about 2 more times, after he started college at CSU Northridge. He was very warm and wanted the closeness we used to experience, before he got outed, in the Navy; and, I still tended to shun him. About 19 years later, I met him once again, in a bar and grill on Cahuenga, when I was working in Burbank. There was still the love in his face, that I experienced, the first time I met him. I did enjoy his company; but still felt a need to keep him at a distance. I still didn't want to get labeled, as gay, along with him. By this time, I was well aware that I did have some homosexual feelings myself; but, still didn't want to get outed, as I considered myself predominantly straight, whereas he was kind of "out." I felt even more ashamed, when one of the bartenders there commented how alike our personalities were, in a very insulting way. This happened once before, many years earlier. Perhaps, he really was my "soulmate." Sometimes, It was sure starting to seem like it. About six months later, my job moved to North Hollywood and I didn't see him again. That was in 2003. His obituary said that he died in 2010. I had lost the one man in the world, that had shown me "any" emotional love, forever.

I've been a complete wreck, for about the last three days. I haven't been able to stop crying. I'm still trying to bargain with god, to bring him back. I "would" do anything to bring him back, even have sex like he wanted, no problem. I would do anything to feel the love that he expressed for me, once again. I wouldn't let sex become an obstacle, this time. I would just give it to him and feel blessed, to have him with me.

I downloaded his picture, from the obit at legacy.com; and, discovered that he had a son, who survived him. I spent the last several days reseaching his family members and obtained some correct addresses and some phone numbers, that I'm not going to call; because, his family hasn't seen me since he started college at CSU Northridge in 1983. I tried a couple of the emails I found; but, these look old and only one of them wasn't returned.

What I'd like to do, is get some contact information for the son; so, that I can meet him, at least online and see if he looks at all like his dad and has the same warmth and sense of humor. I'd also like to get some video of my desceased friend, so that I can watch him and hear his voice once again, if I can obtain some video clips or even images, that aren't too personal.

Is there a way to do this, without making it creepy and strange for the family? Can I have a third party do this, explaining that I'm just an old military buddy and hoping that the sexual drama thing doesn't come up?