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My baby girl scooter part 2


Collettesweetbear

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Collettesweetbear

I posted “my baby girl scooter” here about several weeks ago; maybe a month? If anyone would like to read my story. My 17 year old baby. It’s been 7 months. And, it feels just like yesterday. Growing up we were not allowed to have a dog or cat because of my sisters allergies and asthma. Scooter is the only pet I ever had. I lost my husband 20 years ago and I got scooter 3 years later. So, it was just me and her for the last 17 years just me and her. Didn’t remarry as I wasn’t alone and had my baby, the love of my life. I feel like I’m a good person or I try to be nice and do my best, I would never hurt anyone or anything and try to be kind to all. But, I only asked God for one thing and I promised I won’t ask for another thing rest of my life if he would just give me my cat back. I cry every night for her The most sad and broken hearted I have ever been. One time scooter was laying on me and I kissed her neck for almost a half hour. She just stayed like that and didn’t move and wanted me to kiss her neck over and over for like 30 plus minutes. Finally, I had to stop my lips had so much fur at that point. See the bond. She loved me so much, same as I her and she was my real baby. She meant everything to me. I’ll live with this pain of her loss in my heart forever. I know I could get another dog or cat but, it won’t be her. No one will ever be her.

 

 

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KayC

Seven months for you, a year for me, it doesn't seem possible it's been that long and yet it feels like a lifetime ago at the same time.  Grief does that to time, seems to warp it.

Honor your love and embrace your grief...don't let it swallow you, but it's okay to give place to it too.

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AJWCat

I totally get your bond. That's how I was with our cat we lost 3 years ago now. I still think of him often. (His last night was horrible and my guilt has subsided but my heart still aches that he suffered.) He was seriously like our child. For 10 years. I knew he wouldn't live forever, obviously.

But nothing you can imagine prepares you for their physical absence.  

I've had cats basically since I moved out on my own. Our newest, we got 4 months after losing our other one.

She could never replace him. But I am completely in love w/ her now and we have a bond, different of course. And new rituals. And I was glad to get a cat from a rescue and give her a home. There are so many lonely cats waiting for homes in every city in the world.

She's a total love and how someone gave her up is beyond me. But at least they didn't throw her on the street. 

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Collettesweetbear

Yes, thank you both so much. Giving and sharing comfort I appreciate so much. Words can’t explain how grateful I am. Here’s my question for today. How do you guys continue on? I mean I would adore to get a new kitten to share my life with and give another cat the beautiful life scooter had. I could really tell scooter enjoyed her life. She just looked content and happy everyday and every night. She was always rolling on her back and showing tummy for me to rub. Just an absolute lovely girl. I couldn’t have been more lucky in my life that she picked me. But, you guys you’ve had other animals, how do you do it? I know you both now and how kind of loving you are to sweet wonderful animals. But, that’s not it. I’m asking about the pain. The unbearable pain that squeezes your heart when the next baby passes? How do you bear the courage that the inconceivable pain will come again? I mean this losing scooter almost killed me. Really. I have been in a black hole of pain I wouldn’t want anyone to feel. I mean I’m still begging God to give me my cat back and I promise to serve him the rest of my life. But, I don’t hear anything from him. please share how you have the courage to bring more into your life knowing you will fall in love once again hard for a new baby only to know one day...well you know what I mean. I mean every time your next baby dies do you die a little more each time? I’m so sorry, I really apologize for being like this. I’m just so broken.


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KayC

Sometimes I think we just have to make that leap.  You can start looking and I pray you'll know when it's "the one" you're meant to have.  It won't replace your other one, but it will create its own place in your heart for it's own unique qualities.

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you...it's been an insane week,, much  of OR is on fire, my son's home he's selling AND the one he signed a contract with are both in danger.  Smoke everywhere.  I had no power, water, phone, internet this week!  We had huge winds and I picked up branches in the road for 6 1/2 hours Tuesday, more since on my place and my neighbor's.

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AJWCat

Hey @KayC are you okay w/ the fires? 

It's a good question about going on. KayC is right - you take the leap. I am broken too.

I won't lie, I am paranoid about this new kitty. She's a wild thing, she runs around crazy and hits her head, freaks me out, I don't want to lose her. I fear it. And I still break down sometimes about my other cat. So, yeah I just try to focus on giving her so much love. Yes, I must bear the loss of her.

If I don't - she could be homeless, or some other cat might go homeless because I want to protect myself. I'd rather suffer later and give a cat some joy and hopefully a long happy life w/ me. It's a double edged sword. 

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Collettesweetbear
Hey [mention=405375]KayC[/mention] are you okay w/ the fires? 
It's a good question about going on. KayC is right - you take the leap. I am broken too.
I won't lie, I am paranoid about this new kitty. She's a wild thing, she runs around crazy and hits her head, freaks me out, I don't want to lose her. I fear it. And I still break down sometimes about my other cat. So, yeah I just try to focus on giving her so much love. Yes, I must bear the loss of her.
If I don't - she could be homeless, or some other cat might go homeless because I want to protect myself. I'd rather suffer later and give a cat some joy and hopefully a long happy life w/ me. It's a double edged sword. 


Hello@AJWCAT and@KayC,

My gosh I am just now seeing this post KayC. I am so sorry. I hope everything is ok? Are your places ok? My goodness so, sorry to hear this.
AJWCAT, I see and understand everything you’re saying. Yes, I agree with KayC with taking the leap. Maybe start out as friends? You know my son has 2 cats and one of them runs across the living room and into the wall. Why in the world that cat does this we don’t know. But, he is a happy fat cat now and he just has weird quirks. I worry he will get hurt but, my son assured me that he’s fine. So, maybe try to take a deep breath a couple times, relax and look at your new kitty and ask her if she wants to be friends? I bet you will get the answer you need. Take it nice and easy.
As for me, yeah I’m broken. I woke up from a nap crying out scooter’s name. I don’t mean to but, I am asleep and it wakes me up. Then I just get up and realize yet again, yes is true she’s not with me anymore. I still break down. January 28 and I’m still breaking down. I think I still go in and out of denial. And, for the first time I walked in the bedroom and started punching the pillows hard as I could, crying out her name and saying “NO, NO, NO while punching the pillows. Like I was angry and scared and panicked and despaired all at the same time. Like she can’t find me and she’s scared. Remember I had the eye problems from too much sodium from crying. Well, I tried as hard as I could but, breaking down was out of my control. I’ve lost some vision in my right eye. My punishment to suffer I tell myself. How could I have the most adorable baby for 17 beautiful years and now she’s gone. I have no joy, no smiles, nothing to look forward too. For example I really use to look forward to meeting my sister for lunch and movie. We have done that for years and years. It was our thing. Of course with Covid we can’t do that so we do a special set up at home. We have our tray with lunch and movie going and I don’t feel the same anymore. The light has left me. I just want the movie to end so, I can go in my room and cry. I wonder if I will ever have the light back one day?


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Collettesweetbear

Does anyone just sit there and say “I just can’t believe she’s gone?” Like a little denial creeping in of disbelief that you just can’t believe their gone?! She’s been gone since Jan 28, 2020 and I’m still not accepting she’s gone?!? Why? What’s wrong with me? I just can’t understand what I am doing wrong?
Collette


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KittyGirl

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I lost my sweet 17 year old girl 10 weeks ago. I am completely heartbroken and can't imagine any other cat but her. I guess it just depends on your own grieving process as to when you would be ready for another cat because Scooter was in your life a long time so the loss is even harder. Maybe take baby steps - when you are ready - like visit shelters from time to time or, if can't because of covid restrictions, look at some cats online at nearby cat rescue sites. Fostering is another way to go if not ready for a full commitment. Of course any cat will never replace your Scooter, just may help in healing your broken heart.   

I think a lot of it is getting past the guilt which is difficult for me as I feel I didn't do the things in time that could have prevented Kitty's death. And maybe that same guilt prevents us to move forward and be happy again. I don't know. I'm just trying to work through it myself.

I read somewhere guilt is not a phase in the grieving process but the foundation for pet bereavement. I think I agree because we were responsible for their life and made all the decisions for them. That is a lot of burden to bear especially when things go wrong or end of life decisions need to be made. 

I can't believe Kitty is gone either but I saw her die and buried her so I know she is even though I wish she wasn't. Grief is like that with it's ugly head hitting you at anytime and there is no easy way to go through it. There is no time limit either because different circumstances for each person in how they handle it. And of course is hard to accept the death because that is not the outcome you wanted and wish you could turn back the clock but can't. 

I wish I had words of comfort to help you but I am in the same boat. For me I think it will take a long time to feel at peace with the loss of my cat. Michelle Obama explained it best: "It hurts to live after someone has died. It just does."

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Collettesweetbear

Hi Kitty girl. Thank you so much for your sweet reply. I’m not sure how much of my story you read but, “my baby girl scooter” is the one to read if you feel up to it. No pressure. Later I added “my baby girl scooter 2”
Let me know once you read the first one. I think it really helps to know each other’s story’s. But, let me just say, I’m so, so sorry. Your kitty cat sounded beautiful and she sure did love you and you back. I have terrible unrecoverable guilt I feel. But, read my first story and I sure welcome your feedback. Why does this have to be the most painful thing we will ever go through. I mean I shouldn’t speak for you Kitty girl, but this pain is overwhelming. Looking forward to talking with you. Collette


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AJWCat

It was not easy getting a "new" cat. I cried shopping for her! Because it just reminded me of our guy we lost. I still grieve over him. Over 3 years later. So, yes another animal does not replace them. I just love animals - cats especially - so not having one just leaves me empty. We had about a 4 month gap and I probably wasn't even ready when we got our new kitty. But I did it anyway. It did help me heal. It helped me focus on something other than myself. And my grief.

The light has left you. --> I felt that same way. I told KayC here, I saw NO joy. The world had no joy in it anymore. She told me: you have to find it. You have to be willing to look for it. And I was so angry and so heartbroken I didn't want to. Finally, I took her advice. I was so down. I was so broken as you said. But I finally would allow myself to enjoy a moment in the sun. Or a bite of a meal. Or actually laugh at something on tv. I did not want to. But I started to. It's not a betrayal - if anything it is the opposite.

Don't live like you never had your Scooter or Kitty in your life. Live in a way that remembers them and honors them and shows they were in your life and impacted you and made you a better person. I try to think of it that way.      

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KittyGirl

@Collettesweetbear It is the MOST painful thing to go through because they meant the world to us. Gave us unconditional love and purpose in life. And when both those things are gone at once, we are completely broken. That is the only way I can explain it to myself why is so hard for me to go through the loss of Kitty.

@AJWCat That's for sure the light has left me with Kitty's death and I'm not sure how I can get it back because she was the only one who brought it. I don't know when the day would come to have another cat but right now it feels like would be a betrayal to the love I had for her.  Like I just tossed her away like an old toy and brought in a new one.  I think this is because I blame myself for her death and feel she would still be here today if I did the things I should have. And on top I feel the pain of losing her is so painful, how could I open my heart like that only to have to go through it again. I don't think I have loved anyone as deeply as I loved her.

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Collettesweetbear

@AJWCAT@KittyGirl,

Oh, you guys I just read your new chats today.

🥺🥺 I’m so sad you guys. I feel so empty. AJWCAT, I’m so so sorry. You are really in pain today I can feel the suffering. Kitty girl you too. It’s like the 3 of us know right this very moment we are feeling and going through the worst loss and devastation in our lives. I realize there are so many more that need our help. And, I will ASAP but, today I just look around and she is really truly gone. I’ll never see her again. The one I lived the most I’ll never see her little face. And, my awful guilt? I guess that’s my punishment for a life sentence for me. I miss her so bad. I want my cat back.


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Collettesweetbear

@AJWCat@KittyGirl,

You guys why didn’t I know it was going to be like this? Nobody ever told me that when scooters dies, you will to. There I go again, I haven’t eaten a thing. I got to fix that. AJWCat, I’m thinking your new little friend is a sweet cat. Tell us about her. What does she look like and what funny things did she do today?


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Collettesweetbear

I’m don’t think I could do this a second time. Losing baby scooter almost killed me literally. What’s killing me the most is the pain is so bad it is covering up the 17 years of wonderful. It’s like the pain is a big blanket covering the good stuff.


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KittyGirl

@Collettesweetbear We can't know ahead how it was going to be like until it happens. I think if we knew we would try even harder to hang onto them. But I don't think we would have passed the chance to have them in our life - for all the wonderful years we had with them - knowing their death would cause us so much pain. We would have treasured even more each and every moment we had with them. Now knowing and living in the pain we are afraid to open our heart and take another chance.

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Collettesweetbear

@KittyGirl,@AJWCat,

You know what today, I just felt like running away. Just running away. But, I don’t know where to go? Like no car even just get my purse and keys and start running and crying and running. Maybe running away from the pain? If I was still in Hawaii (my cousin’s, aunties and uncles live there still of course.) it has crossed my mind that since baby scooters gone I could run to my family there. I would be happy going home and seeing my family but, everything I try to sooth my mind, I break down. You know this is just awful, people all in love with their animals and then taken away. This is not fair. Why do we get this wonderful chance to have a fur baby only to face and suffer with this when they die.? Because we are all 3 suffering. We are good people. We do our best and are kind to everyone. I know I do and I’m pretty confident you guys are too. Why then the suffering like we live in mid evil times and thrown in the Dungeon. I guess that’s pretty severe but, you know what I mean. You there were kitty cats thousands of years ago I think don’t hold me to it. But, you think even that long ago their were people like us suffering just like this when they lost their cat?


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Collettesweetbear
It was not easy getting a "new" cat. I cried shopping for her! Because it just reminded me of our guy we lost. I still grieve over him. Over 3 years later. So, yes another animal does not replace them. I just love animals - cats especially - so not having one just leaves me empty. We had about a 4 month gap and I probably wasn't even ready when we got our new kitty. But I did it anyway. It did help me heal. It helped me focus on something other than myself. And my grief.
The light has left you. --> I felt that same way. I told KayC here, I saw NO joy. The world had no joy in it anymore. She told me: you have to find it. You have to be willing to look for it. And I was so angry and so heartbroken I didn't want to. Finally, I took her advice. I was so down. I was so broken as you said. But I finally would allow myself to enjoy a moment in the sun. Or a bite of a meal. Or actually laugh at something on tv. I did not want to. But I started to. It's not a betrayal - if anything it is the opposite.
Don't live like you never had your Scooter or Kitty in your life. Live in a way that remembers them and honors them and shows they were in your life and impacted you and made you a better person. I try to think of it that way.      

That last paragraph really got to me. You would think the way I’m acting that I never had this joyful relationship for 17 years. Instead of being grateful I had a little baby that loved me for her whole life and boy wouldn’t scooter be disappointed that I’m not living in the joy and light after all she gave me. I’m not honoring the years she gave me, I am crying and wailing because I’m hurt and I’m heartbroken being selfish. What about all she gave putting into the relationship. It wasn’t a one way street. We both put in all the love. If scooter were here right now and she was watching me suffer for 8 months I think she would think, hey is that all I meant to you pain and suffering. What about the 17 years of joy and hope. Well, of course they don’t think that way but, I’m just using as an example. I need to start honoring her greatness and slowly get out of my life’s over. Me, me, me..pain. It’s not all about me, it’s about her and what a special gift she was. Guys I know my pain and grief are by no means over but, I am going to move forward. Doesn’t mean I’m leaving her behind, I will never forget her and she lives in me everyday. She needs to be in my heart and move forward. I’ll always have her.


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AJWCat

I am really glad it gave you that perspective. You are so right, we will ever leave them behind. We may move forward. We reach some level of peace with our loss. But they are with us. All the time. They helped share who we are as good people. 

It's a long slow process and we have to be patient with the healing. There is so much anger, hopelessness, and sadness in the early days, weeks, even months. That's what I have learned.  

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KayC

@KittyGirl  I am so sorry for your loss, I'm a little out of it right now, my BIL of 50 years is dying, just found out, has less than a week they think.  

I know what it is to lose your sweet kitty, been there, I lost my 25 year old cat Jan. 6, this has been a horrid year start to finish and it's not over yet!

My Kitty had never been sick, she was amazing, until Christmas, then her kidneys & liver shut down.  I thought she'd live forever, I guess not.  I miss her.  I lost my Arlie 4 1/2 months before, he was my soulmate in a dog, the perfect dog for me.  I loved him more than life itself.  It's hard learning to live without them.  Sometimes we wonder how we can survive, but we, as another person put it, put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  When all we want to do is roll up into a ball and cry.  In time we remember the good memories but in the beginning all we feel is our pain.  The mental images of them laying on the couch and then the image disappears...

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KittyGirl

@KayC Thank you for your kind words. So very sorry for your losses of your precious Kitty and Arlie, and now having to deal with your BIL dying too. My heart goes out to you and your family during this difficult time. This pandemic has brought so much sadness into our lives taking our loved ones away when we need them the most. Your Kitty lived a long time at 25 but for as long as they live we want them to live forever. I thought my Kitty - who was 17 years & and almost 5 months - would live till 20 at least and could have if things were not missed. Is even harder to live with when their lives have been cut short unnecessarily. You so desperately wish you could turn back the clock. It just hurts and hurts.

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KayC

I don't think anything could have been done, she was quite old and was lucky in that she'd never suffered illness/injury although the first 12 years of her life she was adopted & abandoned more times than one would count and I can't imagine how hard that was on her, left on her own to fend for herself, someone even crudely fixed her...not a vet, obviously, I don't even want to think about how that went down.  But I gave her a good rest of her life where she never had to worry about anyone ditching her again or food & protection, she was very loved and accepted.

I have had 15 cats in my life, another made it to 19 before cancer hit, but the rest didn't even come close to 17.  I imagine your cat thanks you for the good life you gave rather than blaming you.  I do wonder, what would you tell a friend in this exact same situation?  Tell yourself the same. ;)

 

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