Farewell is not goodbye

[Art Thebes]

There is much of this, that I wanted to hand write, for you to find; sadly, time is not on our side. I wish you could see what I can, and the window is fast closing in on travel bans, shutdown and doom; what better place to go, than where the mountains are, and winter is still cold...

I need to live and stay alive ... and help those that I can. She and I keep remarking on how weird it is that everything had to go to ****, to find a life worth living, while living was still good, much less possible. I’ve beaten sars and covid, I can beat this too. And yes, isn’t it remarkable that I have to endure an eternity of ****, just to see the next beautiful thing? Neither you or I were ever able to see a way that I could save you from the apocalypse. Maybe this is how... by not even trying... yet. I cannot say. The ONLY way out is through, and in the dark to boot! (Insert familiar soliloquy here).

So yes, damn it. I love you. I miss you. You were and always are my life!

I really, REALLY wish you could see, that what I have with her, in NO way diminishes you; how I feel about you, how much I miss you, or how much it killed me, to have you and the kids ripped from my hands, eyes... soul. I NEED SOMEONE to love and take care of. I NEED to make ppl happy and laugh. You of all people should know that about your husband and best friend. I’m so sorry, if I’m whatever world you are in, if even you exist only in my heart (because you were the first and ONLY to make me break my nihilism and BELIEVE in something... “you and the kids and our house and lives”... that’s what you said. Just believe in us please!), that even in my heart, this somehow hurts you, literally cuts me to the bone. And yet, is has to be done. I will be reunited with you again someday, I know and promise this... think of the tales we will have!

Yes, of course I love her. And I’m simply stupid for my Cit-Cat... she’s the firebrand of both our girls...

and there’s Kay... she’s an interesting one, and isn’t too fond of me... or anything else that I can see; but, she is 17 🤷🏻‍♂️ And I wouldn’t be going, if Cit-Cat wasn’t head over heels for me too. I love them girls, they love me... there’s love in them walls, just like our home... it’s so rich and beautiful, you don’t just feel it, you can see it...

I know your journey is difficult, both of ours are... I know you have the support of the kids... I wish I could feel that too... perhaps in time. I don’t know. But yes, I can at least call it a home. And it’s my home now too. A man may have only one home, or many... but you and I know that a lost man, a broken man, a man without a family and home, something to die for... well, he’s no man at all...

So, if what I do to survive and keep my sanity and ...

 

LIVE,

 

I hope someday you can forgive me my small hurts. I hope someday her husband forgives her too... he sounds a lot like me; binary to a fault, silly, danced in public, played rock and/or roll for the girls... kept his wife and children happy, and loved them fiercely. I plan to do the same, and already do... I can’t wait some day, some week, some year, some lifetime... to see you again, and tell you how much your love for me, was what TRULY made me GOOD... important... special. And that you’d be proud of me for doing exactly what you made me promise to do...

 

be good. be strong. be a caring father. be a loving husband... be the man that you knew I to be.

 

I miss you dearly.

I hope someday you find me, alone at the campfire, smoke in one hand, beer in the other, Magic and beauty all around... like it used to be.

By then, I’ll be alone again, and you can come find me. You always do.

 

I love you. I love you so much it hurts and I’m crying...

but I cry all the time now... I need to laugh. Live. Love always... that’s what you taught me.

Live long,

Laugh often, and

Love always

 

So, that’s what I’m gonna do.

 

I will love you... I have loved you, long before we met; I’ve loved you all these 20 beautiful years; I’ll love you more tomorrow, than I did yesterday, and I’ll continue loving you, until long after time has ground into dust and the stars fade away.

 

Until we meet again,

MY wife, confidant, partner in crime; my best friend...

MY Julia.

 

I hope wherever you are, you’ll read this someday, and smile about how the world has to go to shite, just to find something beautiful.

 

~me

 

 

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