Loosing Someone to Murder

[Carolanne_94]

Hello everyone, 

My name is Carolanne, and my mother and step father were murdered in their home in February 2020, when I was 25 years old. 

 

The suspect is a retired law enforcement officer (RCMP) who was their landlord. He has been arrested and is currently incarcerated, awaiting trial.

I guess having their murderer behind bars ought to offer some sort of comfort, but to be honest, I haven't been too preoccupied with that too much to be honest. 

Instead, I have been so preoccupied with the fact that they're gone, and my relationship with them that is permanently terminated as a result.

 

Before their death, I was actually not on speaking terms with either my mother or step father. Growing up, as a young kid, my mother was a superstar; she was the strongest, smarted most powerful woman i had ever seen, and I wanted to be just like her. She was my best friend and my hero. But suddenly, at the age of 12, she announced to me that she was divorcing my father, and reconnecting with an old friend whom she had not seen in 20+ years. 

Everything changed immediately. The divorce was very messy, polarizing the family: I went off to live with my mother and step father, and my sister (16 at the time) remained with my father. The the better part of the next decade, I had absolutely no contact with wither my sister, father, or entire side of my father's family.

Whats more, my new step father immediately began isolating myself and my mother from whatever family either of us had left. He alienated us from any supportive figure, manipulating us to believe that they didn't care about us, and were only trying to destroy our happiness. In addition, my step father became very abusive. He verbally, emotionally, psychologically and physically abused my mother and myself almost immediately. I suddenly went from a happy child with a wonder woman mother, to a scared, confused and isolated growing teen who suffered my own abuse while watching my mother wither away. For many years following the divorce, my life consisted of being completely alone, unable to connect anymore with peers, standing by while family and the police failed to intervene. 

Fortunately, I moved away to college when I was 17, and my life began to change. I reconnected with my sister, father and several family members, much at he thanks of new friends that I began making. In the years that followed, i struggled to manage the effects that my childhood had on me, while also trying to help my mother save herself from the life that she continued to chose for herself. Unfortunately, my mother didnt want any help, and instead, began psychologically abusing myself as well.

 

As I grew older, I realized that I could not maintain the relationship that I had with my mother as it was. At this point, I had cut off all contact with my step father, and told my mother that I could maintain contact with her if she respected this; if she could stop trying to get me to accept him back into my life. Sadly, she never accepted this, and instead, always guilt tripped my for my decision to separate myself from such an abusive person, always asking me to "forgive" him "just one last time".... every time..

Then suddenly, on February 3rd, I received the call that they both were dead. An ongoing dispute with their neighbor (the kind that I had seen time and time again as I grew up living with them, constantly moving from one home to another) ended in tragedy; their neighbor (allegedly) shot them both in their home. 

At this point, I think I am still numb, not fully grappling the fact that they are not only dead, but murdered. Whats more, I can help but be flooded with so many other emotions, anger, depression, anxiety, guilt. I am angry at the killer, I am angry at my step father for all that he has done to my mother, undoubtedly putting my mother in the situation that she found herself in, angry at my mother for choosing my step father over me for so many years. Guilty for cutting off contact with my mom...could I have done more to help her? Guilty for having missed so much time with my father when I was being told he wanted nothing to do with me..

 

Im also trying to deal with what has happened after the deaths, how various members of my family have lashed out, saying and doing just unspeakable things to me, some out of grief im sure, others just out of their poor character.

 

and this is where I sit now, attempting to manage and understand all of these emotions, looking for someone to share them with; someone who may, even to some extend, understand what this feels like, and has been waling the same path that I am attempting to walk now. 

 

If that is you, please dont hesitate to reach out. your support is greatly appreciated, and of course, I would love an opportunity to offer my own support as well.

 

Until next time, 

-Carol

[reader]

Dear Carol,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I have not been through what you have, but wanted to know this community is with you.

Sending my thoughts and prayers.