Feeling lost in life

[SammyBoy]

Hello Members,

I wish to share with you all about something that is affecting me lately.

My beloved sister passed away around 2 months ago at the age of 28. But the thing is that I still can't believe that she's gone. Her passing away was like a movie and ended very fast. It feels like she is still alive in some other part of the world. My heart still doesn't accept that she has passed away.

She was critically ill in hospital on her last day and was struggling to breathe using the oxygen mask. And she passed away before I could reach the hospital. Till today, I feel very guilty and sad that I was not beside her during her last few moments.

She was a person with special needs (physically and moderately mentally challenged). All her life, she was dependent on us for food and other necessities. I really wonder if she realized what was happening to her during her last few moments.

There were times where she threw tantrums and I got annoyed and scolded her. Now, When I think about those times, I feel ashamed of myself and guilty that I scolded her.

She is the only sibling I have. Now, I feel very lonely. It hurts deeply when people ask me if I have any siblings nowadays.

I always keep thinking of her and am not able to even focus on my job or interests now. I feel very disinterested in life. I just only shower and eat every day. I really miss her a lot.

She used to be a great eater.She enjoyed different kinds of delicious food. Nowadays. I feel guilty if I tried to eat any fanciful food. It's like I'm trying to enjoy myself without her.

I really don't know if I can overcome this current state now.

 

 

 

[Grief Sucks]

Hello! I am sorry for your loss! I lost my brother back in Dec 2019. I still to this day can’t believe he’s gone. So you will feel how you feel for awhile. I recommend that you find a therapist or some type of professional. It has been 8 months since my brother passed away and all this time I’ve been without a therapist. Matter of fact, I never seen one at all even when my mom passed away. That is probably why my head is so screwed up right now. I finally found one though and my first appt is next week. I recommend that you do the same sweetheart. You can’t do it alone. I thought I could but now I’ve been extremely suicidal lately. I just feel helpless and alone. I have 2 kids so I wish I didn’t feel like this. They are the only reason that I get out of bed everyday. Your sister would want you to still live your life and be happy. Do what you would do if she was still here! At least try to anyway! I know it’s hard and it’s easier said than done, but all you can do is try. Keep yourself busy and find things that you love to do. It doesn’t matter if it’s reading, watching movies, etc. Keeping yourself busy is better than sitting around doing nothing. When you don’t do anything, your mind will drift off to a negative place. Hopefully you have some sort of support system. Do you have parents alive? 

My mother died from a rare cancer and she suffered. I watched her go from 140 lbs to 80. My mom went thru a lot to try to stay alive. I’m glad her death wasn’t sudden, but it still was very very hard. She was my best friend and I miss her so much! The pain never goes away...you just learn to live with it. 
 

My brother shot himself in the head. It was captured on his doorbell camera and I saw the video. I cleaned up his blood. His death replays in my head every day even when I’m trying to keep busy. It was very messy and sudden. I miss him so much! 
 

Death is hard to deal with no matter how they die. As mentioned, I experienced both sudden and not sudden and they both suck equally! I watched both of them take their last breath and it’s something that I wish I didn’t see. 
 

I know that you said that you wish you were physically there with your sister when she passed, and I can totally understand how you feel. However, I’m glad that you didn’t see it. It would haunt you forever. 
 

If you need someone to talk to, you can email me directly. sharris8808@yahoo.com

Hold onto the memories that you have with your sister both good and bad. Isn’t it crazy how the things that annoyed you about our deceased loved ones are the same things that you miss when they are gone? Idk if that happens to you, but for example...my brother use to text me so much back to back to back. He once sent me 30 texts within 10 minutes. I was so aggravated. But now, I just wish he would do it again. 
 

Anyways, cry when you want, laugh when you want. Do what you feel that you need to do to get thru this and just know that you’re not alone! 

You’re in my thoughts and prayers!

[BrattyKristin]

Hi SammyBoy, I am so sorry to hear about your sister. I too lost my sister, my only sibling, last November. She went to the hospital Oct. 3 and died Nov. 3. It is still surreal for me as well. I was with her, the last week of her life, and while she knew we were there for the first few days she was on life support, it was so exhausting for me and my parents to watch her slip away like that. Those images, sounds of the hospital, everything, just keep replaying in my mind and sometimes I can't go to sleep because I just see her lying in that hospital bed, slowly deteriorating. I know the guilt you feel and it feels like its slowly killing you. It's hard to get through some days and some days I can stay pretty distracted. I'm angry at her for what she did to herself and to me and to our parents, I'm angry at myself for not realizing how sick she was. 

There's one thing that keeps me going, knowing that she wouldn't want me to feel this way. She wouldn't want me to barely be getting by because of what happened to her. Our siblings don't want us to feel that pain, at least not for too long. 

I know it will be a lasting pain though, because we are all alone now. 

Everyone is different, but I was in a hazy cloud for about 6 months after she passed. It does get slightly easier when that fog finally dissipates and then you can finally start remembering some of the good memories. Don't get me wrong, I am still struggling, but time will help. 

 

[Rebecca1991]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I know everyone says this and you kind of roll your eyes inside because it’s the only thing to say but I know how your feeling. Any unkind words exchanged as siblings and for some reason when they( our siblings) pass anything they did that was annoying or maddening just gets forgotten at this time. We are people too at the end of the day and we aren’t perfect. I remember telling my sister I couldn’t stand her and I hated her. She was an addict and I may of felt the way at the time but it isn’t entirely in anyway shape or form the way I felt. We have bad days and good days just like everyone and we do the best we can and the best advice is to tell people to remember this lesson on life and even when you expect death it still shocks you and changes you and things you thought you could live with you couldn’t and we are unfortunately one of the individuals who knows how precious life is now. I held my sisters hand on life support she was on for 4 days and held her for her last moments. I wouldn’t ever take back those moments with her but it probably messed up me for the rest of my life.  I know how fragile and precious life is now. After her loss it made me reevaluate my entire life and I have felt the same since and mine was just in May..