Jump to content

Find out how to register Here!!

Check out how to register on the site!.

Share Your Loved One's Pictures

In our beautiful Gallery

Grief Support Marketplace

Check Our New Products In The Marketplace

Take Grieving.com on the Go!

Buy on Apple and Google Play
New Members - Check Your Spam/Junk Folder for Confirmation Email ×
Nmark

Loneliness

Recommended Posts

Nmark

How does everyone deal with the loneliness that follows the loss of a partner? I am at six weeks now since I lost my husband to a car accident and  the visits from friends and family have diminished significantly. When I’m alone in the house, or anywhere actually, I see him everywhere I look. We did everything together. We were always having fun and laughing and loving life and each other. Our kids all have lives of their own and don’t live at home anymore, our friends are all married and have busy lives. They all have been here but as time passes they have their own lives to tend to. With the social distancing and COVID issues, people are not congregating anywhere anymore, or at least not safely. It’s so hard to be alone. All I do is cry and miss him when left to my own devices. Any coping mechanisms? 

  • Like 4
  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lars M

I don't have any advise for you but I do know what you are talking about. I lost my wife two weeks ago we were married for 30 years and the loneliness is crushing . We too did everything together. I am still in shock I can't believe she is gone I still try and call her a couple times a day. I hope it get's better for both of us but thanks for sharing.  

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nmark

I hope it gets better too. I also want to reach out to him via text or snap or call all the time because if we weren’t together physically we communicated every hour or so. I’m working out right now and am in tears because he’s not here beside me. We made a workout room in our house to keep up ourselves in shape during quarantine. He did everything to stay healthy and live a long life and his life was ended by a distracted driver. It’s so hard to come to terms with. 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gail 8588

Nmark and Lars,

I am so sorry for each of your losses.  I think grieving the loss of a spose/partner has been made exceptionally difficult by the pandemic.  The normal expressions of comfort and caring by friends and family are impossible. Your own ability to try to work through your grief is restricted. You can't go to the restaurant you and your love always went to, because the restaurant is closed.  

The isolation of the pandemic has been very difficult even for those of us who have been on this grief journey for years.  My heart breaks for those of you who have recently been shattered by such an enormous loss. 

I don't know if this will help, but I talked to my husband for many months after his death.  These conversations ran the full range of emotions, sobbing for him to forgive me for not saving him, being angry that he left me alone, reaffirming my undying love for him, laughing with him at animal antics, feeling his presence on long walks.  In your isolation, I hope you can work through some of your grief in dialogue with your love.   

Gail

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

@Nmark and @Lars Menefee  I am so sorry for your losses.  This pandemic makes a very difficult situation all the harder.  My husband and I were always together too, we were soul mates, best friends, lovers, and he died suddenly 15 years ago.  I was in shock.  ALL of our friends disappeared overnight!  I would not have expected that!  My two best GFs didn't even bother attending his funeral, instead making plans for something "fun" to do!  

I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years, the first/biggest being to take one day at a time.  Anything more than that invites anxiety.  I employ it still.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lars M

Thank you for the kind words I found this web page about a week ago and joined yesterday because I need to talk to people that have walked in these shoes. I am still very early in the grieving process and want everything fixed now. I can't stand looking at her shoes and coats in the closet but I can't box them up yet. I know this is a one day at a time process. I am glad I found people that can relate. all I get now from co-workers is are you doing ok now. Thanks again !

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

It amazes me what people say, of course you're not okay!  What do they think?  I think THEY want to feel you are, but if they stopped and thought about how they'd feel if it was them, they wouldn't ask that.  I'm glad you joined, I encourage you to read some of the current threads here, you're not alone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nmark

@KayC Intellectually I’ve found your article very helpful however my heart lags behind my brain. We loved big so I’m grieving big. I know it’s going to take a long time to heal completely. In the meantime I’ll keep reading everyone’s posts here and reread your article often. Thanks for your support!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
foreverhis
1 hour ago, Nmark said:

We loved big so I’m grieving big.

Yes, this is one of the hardest things.  We who love deeply and fully also grief deeply with every cell of our bodies and every beat of our hearts.  But even knowing I'd feel and be the way I am now, I'd still have jumped in heart first and never looked back.  I would have risked anything and everything for my love, and he for me.  Finding my soulmate was worth more to me than anything in the world.  He still is and always will be.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
@LeeNic

@foreverhis I’ve been grieving a week now. Reading your words helps put a different twist on my pain. I agree. I still would have jumped in fully even if I knew I would only get a short time with my husband. It’s so hard not to think of what I’ve lost and won’t get back. Your words help me think about what I had. Thank you. It’s my one ray of sunshine for today. Trying to find one a day.... 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lars M

Today I had a Mega dose of loneliness I had to go pick up my wife's ashes and dearth certificate and hour drive alone then I came home to a Fed-X package for her I guess she ordered before her death. I don't know how much more I can take waking up next to her for 30 years eating dinner together every night everyone says it's going to take time but it feels as if time has stopped. I do like coming here and reading. God bless to all of us who are still suffering. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nmark

I agree with you all. I wouldn’t have traded a second of our lives together even knowing how it would end! That is what we all need to focus on. How lucky we were to have loved so big. Not everyone gets that opportunity. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SharedLife

It has been 7-1/2 weeks since my wife of over 50 years passed away. The first month was the most difficult--she was in my thoughts every day, I couldn't sleep, lost my appetite.  This next month, some of the pain has subsided but I still think of her frequently -- especially when something in the house brings back a memory. I have visited her grave on a number of occasions, leaving a rose at the grave on each visit. It feels like she is still with me in spirit. I look back at our 50+ years together and in retrospect it seems much too brief. I'm not religious and don't know if there's anything resembling a heaven, but I do know that if there is one, she is there and is loved as much there as she was here.What I do know is this: I was extraordinarily fortunate that she agreed to marry me and we had some wonderful (and not-so-wonderful) experiences together. She was my soulmate in life and now I feel like half of me is missing. But I remind myself of the life we shared, the encouragement and support she gave me, and I am, above all, grateful for that. I would not be who I am today without her love, guidance, and support. The sorrow is tempered with gratitude.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC
22 hours ago, Nmark said:

@KayC Intellectually I’ve found your article very helpful however my heart lags behind my brain. We loved big so I’m grieving big. I know it’s going to take a long time to heal completely. In the meantime I’ll keep reading everyone’s posts here and reread your article often. Thanks for your support!

Totally understandable, and these "tips" I gathered over a period of ten years!  This is no quick or easy process, I figure it takes what it takes.  My husband and I were soul mates, lovers, best friends, always together when not working.  You never stop loving/missing them, but we do adjust little by little, so gradually as to seem imperceptible and then one day you look back and realize (maybe five years later even) that it doesn't hurt like it did day one!  There is so much to this, I've never worked at anything harder, never has anything been more difficult.  I'm not sure there is every "complete" healing, but we can learn to cope.  Not overnight though!

20 hours ago, @LeeNic said:

Trying to find one a day.... 

That's a great place to start!

 

19 hours ago, Lars M said:

I had to go pick up my wife's ashes and dearth certificate and hour drive alone then I came home to a Fed-X package for her I guess she ordered before her death.

That is a lot.  I'm sorry you were alone.  I'm glad we all have this place to come to.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC

@SharedLife  I am so sorry for your loss...I welcome you to come here and post any time, it's a good safe place where people "get it."  I hope you'll read through the posts here and find comfort knowing you have a whole host of people that do get it and care.  We want to be here for you, we're listening...

1 hour ago, Rhonda R said:

The only other thing that helps me is thinking about the pain he would be in if the tables were turned.  I will gladly take on this pain for him so that he doesn't have to be in pain.  He suffered enough already. 

That is my consolation too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
foreverhis
22 hours ago, Lars M said:

Today I had a Mega dose of loneliness I had to go pick up my wife's ashes and dearth certificate and hour drive alone

I can only imagine having to drive an hour alone.  I foolishly went by myself to pick up my husband's ashes and certificates.  It was less than 5 miles, but driving home I sobbed the entire way.  I could barely see the road, so it's a good thing it was basically a straight drive with only a few turns.  I pulled into the garage and just set there crying for a while.

And then to come home to a package delivered to her.  Oh my gosh, talk about adding more pain to an already intolerable day.

3 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

The only other thing that helps me is thinking about the pain he would be in if the tables were turned.  I will gladly take on this pain for him so that he doesn't have to be in pain.  He suffered enough already. 

Absolutely.  I would have taken every bit of his pain and, at the end, fear onto myself to spare him.  I know that he would be suffering terribly if I had been the one to die.  Now, I will take the pain of grief and loss because that's the price for loving him so much.  And will say in our universal faith, "You had better be taking good care of my love!" because that's a tiny consolation that maybe he really is out of pain and comforted.  I don't exactly want to say he's "at peace" because I selfishly hope he misses me too and will only be fully at peace when I am with him again some day.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Maria_PI

@KayC you are a treasure! Thank you for the article! It gives me hope that I will eventually get there, where the gut wrenching pain and heartbreak gives way to the beautiful memories. And he left me with tons! We always said that I was the brain and he was the soul of our relationship, so he left his soul with me. He left me with so many letters, conversations, insights, music he wrote and performed. Even though we both knew his end was near, (he had blood cancer which didn’t respond to multiple chemotherapies), one is never prepared to lose the love of their life. And his last days were hard to watch, the pain and suffering was unimaginable! This is the hardest part for me, how do I get over that! My brain keeps saying “at least his pain and suffering is over now” but my soul is howling to the heavens “why, why, why”! Thank you all for sharing! It helps a lot! 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
@LeeNic

@Lars M I picked up my husband today. I just listened to his favorite music on the way home. So many songs he picked that represented how he felt about us, meeting me, his kids.... I cried in the driveway also. I’m so sorry for your pain, for all our pain. I just need to find a way to move forward with him.....

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
widower2
3 hours ago, @LeeNic said:

@Lars M I picked up my husband today. I just listened to his favorite music on the way home. 

I remember picking up my beloved and a song by her favorite group (who I never liked) came on. I cranked it on the way home.

I'm so sorry for the OP and all of you and your losses. As for how to deal with it, this is a simple little web site I created to help with that - lots of it has been said here already, but for what it's worth: https://griefhelp.webs.com/grieving 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC
17 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

@KayC you are a treasure! Thank you for the article! It gives me hope that I will eventually get there, where the gut wrenching pain and heartbreak gives way to the beautiful memories. And he left me with tons! We always said that I was the brain and he was the soul of our relationship, so he left his soul with me. He left me with so many letters, conversations, insights, music he wrote and performed. Even though we both knew his end was near, (he had blood cancer which didn’t respond to multiple chemotherapies), one is never prepared to lose the love of their life. And his last days were hard to watch, the pain and suffering was unimaginable! This is the hardest part for me, how do I get over that! My brain keeps saying “at least his pain and suffering is over now” but my soul is howling to the heavens “why, why, why”! Thank you all for sharing! It helps a lot! 

@Maria_PI  I am glad you found this site, it was a site not unlike this one that literally saved me when I went through this 15 years ago, it's why I'm here today, I want to be here for others in grief as someone walked with me on my forum all those years ago.  I was fortunate that a grief counselor was the moderator & owner of the site, and I've learned so much from her over the years, she's been a treasure house of information!  After all of these years, I consider her a friend, even though she's across the states from me.

I am so sorry for your loss!  I too have memories of my husband dying, although the hospital kicked me out of the room, off the ward, locked the door behind me, when they were working on him.  I never got to tell him "It's okay, you can let go" because of their actions, I can't forgive that.  Sometimes I wish he'd died at home so I could have been with him but then I would have always wondered if he could have been saved if professionals were there for him.  I guess no matter what, we go through all of the "what ifs" afterwards, looking for some different possible outcome, only there is none but what happened.

If what it continues to haunt you, you might try these techniques, you can ask a qualified grief counselor to help you through them.

https://www.healthjourneys.com/blog/ask-belleruth/have-you-heard-of-emotional-freedom-technique-eft.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-using-eye-movement.html

I do hope you'll continue to come here, posting, reading, it helps to express yourself to others who "get it" and know you are heard and understood.  (((hugs)))

16 hours ago, @LeeNic said:

@Lars M I picked up my husband today. I just listened to his favorite music on the way home. So many songs he picked that represented how he felt about us, meeting me, his kids.... I cried in the driveway also. I’m so sorry for your pain, for all our pain. I just need to find a way to move forward with him.....

I remember picking up my husband's ashes, so glad I had my sister to drive me, I can't imagine 120 mile round trip crying the whole time, I'm far away from everything here in the country.

We have so many "our songs" that depict our love, our courtship, I can relate.  Music was big to him, it's hard for me to listen to now.  I'm on the praise team at church, have been all my life but that's different as it's not "our songs."
 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lars M

I am so thankful for the folks here that have some grieving time in so they can share their experience strength and hope. I was thinking today that I am just not done doing things with my wife we still have lots of places to go. I am so grateful that I had 30 great years and adventures with her i am just not done in my heart. She loved the outdoors and loved to fish and I just can't see myself going fishing without her I guess others feel this way? Is it guilt? I am guilty to have fun without her?  I am looking forward to hear from others that have had these feelings and what they did.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Maria_PI
2 hours ago, KayC said:

I too have memories of my husband dying, although the hospital kicked me out of the room, off the ward, locked the door behind me, when they were working on him.  I never got to tell him "It's okay, you can let go" because of their actions, I can't forgive that.  Sometimes I wish he'd died at home so I could have been with him but then I would have always wondered if he could have been saved if professionals were there for him.  I guess no matter what, we go through all of the "what ifs" afterwards, looking for some different possible outcome, only there is none but what happened.

Wow! @KayC you hit the nail on the head! It’s all those “what ifs” that constantly punch me in the gut and it don’t  seem to go away with time. It’s been 70 days already but the guilt and the anger just comes back time and time again! What if I didn’t call the 911 when he was delirious from the fever and I couldn’t get him to open his eyes or swallow the medication? Then he wouldn’t wake up in the ER half naked and I am not there because it’s covid time and they don’t let family inside the hospital. I had to beg and beg and beg to finally be let inside the next day to hold his hand while they poured blood and platelets to try and keep him alive for a few last lucid moments. I guess I was lucky this was a small local hospital and they made exceptions, so I could catch him lucid enough for me to hug him one last time and ask him to forgive me but not enough for him to say anything, just this look of extreme sadness and sorrow.

The “what if” we had gone to the best hospital from the beginning, instead of the closest one who tried this and that till he lost 40 lbs and all his immune system, before the doctor said he can’t do anything more and to go to someone else. He was a fighter and a strong one, former marathon runner, but when your system has taken all these hits already, you will eventually lose power. 
So I will never know! No one will.

Thank you! For your listening ear and understanding heart! I am so sorry for your loss and what you had to go through! Thank you for your generosity to come back here after all these years and help others!

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Yoli
1 hour ago, Lars M said:

I am so thankful for the folks here that have some grieving time in so they can share their experience strength and hope. I was thinking today that I am just not done doing things with my wife we still have lots of places to go. I am so grateful that I had 30 great years and adventures with her i am just not done in my heart. She loved the outdoors and loved to fish and I just can't see myself going fishing without her I guess others feel this way? Is it guilt? I am guilty to have fun without her?  I am looking forward to hear from others that have had these feelings and what they did.

Guilt is what I feel. It is not even guilt to have fun, it is to eat, to watch TV shows, to experience something new ( not that I want to without her), guilt for breathing and living.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.