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Cgatlin

Hello All,  I am not sure where to even start, so I will just start typing.  I lost my first born son Caleb Lee on June 20th 2020, which also happened to be my mothers birthday and the day before fathers day.  I am so lost.  He was only 28 and lost his battle with so many daemons.  I have been lucky in life to not have to go through so much pain at the death of a loved one.  I no longer have grandparents, but they lived long, healthy, wonderful lives.  This is so different. I have heard stories of how people literally ache for someone, and that is what I am feeling.  I cannot pull myself out of this funk.  I will be driving down the road and the tears will just start flowing.  I lay awake at night. I know there will never be answers, yet I keep searching for them.  I now know of that gnawing feeling that eats at my soul in wanting to tell him one last time that he is loved, that we do care.  I have an overwhelming  urge to just hold him again, as if he were still 2.  I know that I am filled with guilt.  I know that friends and family have the best intentions in the world, but their words are empty.  I know I fear that I will never get over this. 
Can anyone help with these feelings?  Is this natural and just part of the process?  Is it normal to feel that you will never get passed this? I mean, I know I will never get over his death, and I don't want to, but I also want to be able to enjoy things in life again without feeling guilty.  Is it normal to have so many emotions so fresh on the surface, and all of them at once?  I am just incredibly sad, so I apologize about the ramblings.  Anyone that is wishing to respond, please do. 

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Mason’s Mom

I am sorry that have lost your son and had to join us on this site. You have come to the right place for understanding.  Your grief is so fresh,  it took me months to be able to write my feelings.  It is not uncommon to feel guilt and displaced.  You are right some words are just painful however well they are meant. It is a journey that we all travel differently,  there is no wrong way to grieve. My son has been gone since December 17th, 2017. I miss him every day. I have learned to cope with the pain and anxiety.  I still have days when waves hit me and literally knock my breath away.  Take it hour by hour,  take deep breaths and keep going  for Caleb. I have made it my mission in life to make sure Mason is never forgotten. May you find peace. 

Many of us post in the loss of an adult child.  We all share the same loss and we understand your pain. 

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My girl is in heaven

Caleb Lees Dad.  I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son.  The day before your sons death (June 19th), was 9 years since I lost my 17year old daughter.  Your grief is so fresh and raw.  All of what you are feeling is so normal for us grieving parents.  The guilt, the gnawing away at the very core of your soul. As far as finding out why, you can search every corner of the world, turn over every stone and you will never get those answers my friend.  Some things just are, that’s all.  We all feel the guilt, because as a parent, that is our most important job in the world, to protect our kids. But you and I would have moved heaven and earth, we would have picked up a mountain to save our children, but sometimes things are out of our control. So as hard as it is , and it is probably too early, but let that guilt lift...it’s not your fault.  Cry your eyes out when you need to, tears are good..they wash away some of the sadness.  But also know it’s ok to smile too. Don’t try to pull yourself out of the grief pit if that’s were you feel like being right now, let yourself feel what ever you need too.  Life will be a constant in and out of the pit, but you’ll find as time goes on , you won’t be in it quite so much or for as long each time.  There is no right or wrong, no handbook on what to do when you lose a child.  You are so lost right now and thats  ok. You’ll find your way again.  At first just tiny pin holes of light, you may not even notice.  But for right now, all you can do is breath, if you need help ask for it, if you don’t want it don’t.  And friends and family, although their intentions may be good, often just say the most inconsiderate and hurtful things.  I’ll be here to help you if you want. There used to be a lot of people on here but the site has dwindled down some.  Reach out anytime.  I check the site often.  Hold on friend...you’ll never get over, but you will get thru.

Lu.....Kira’s mama

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