So Lonely....

[Missy1]

The loneliness is crippling, today on the 4th of July, I was alone while all the other families had BBQs and get-togethers.  I  hear laughter and kids screeching in the distance. I sit in my silence, alone, sad, no one left for me, no more laughter or anticipation of good food, fire works and no more new memories to be made. Such a horrible existence, life is barely tolerable at best. I sit inside my house and relive many memories of our 4th of July fun with good friends and family we had. All gone now, I drift alone, a stranger in this new world.

[Gail 8588]

Missy,

This pandemic is making it even more difficult to find a way back to life.  

When my husband of 38 years died suddenly, I felt completely detached from life, for years.  It was a struggle to go through the motions of living. After 3 years, I resolved that this year I was going to transition to actually feeling alive, and I made plans to engage in life in a meaningful way.

Then the pandemic hit and all my plans were shattered. I have been in my home alone for 4 months now and it has been emotionally devastating.  All I think about is my husband and how much I miss him in a million ways. 

I am now, again, in the posture of just having to put one foot in front of the other, in blind faith or hope that one day I will emerge from this mind numbing pain and find some joy in life again.

I wish I could pass on to you the secret of how to get through this terrible grief, but I have not discovered that secret myself yet.  All I can tell you is you are not alone. 

Peace,

Gail 

[Missy1]

Thank you @Gail 8588 you gave me hope that maybe someday I won’t be so alone and depressed, someday I might feel that these days are tolerable. There will be never be the same joy and excitement, but maybe not so much pain. 
Detached is exactly how I feel. I have a few friends, my new best friend has COVID19, she is very sick. Needless to say I guess it’s the quarantine that is making it worse. I am safe, we hung out 3 days before she got so sick, I didn’t get sick. I pray she doesn’t die, she is one person I have met who good, kind and caring. I am sorry you took some steps backwards, I am learning that this happens to us sometimes. I wish you peace and hope you can bounce back soon. 

[ccoflove]

@Missy  The holidays are bad days for me, I felt the same way yesterday all alone watching all the parties and fun families were having around me and I lost my chosen adult family, my partner. I know even if I was surrounded by people it wouldnt matter, my loneliness is for him. I thought about past 4ths and how even last 4th, my 1st without my love, I was with my Mom and I havent been able to see her now. It was a hard day. Things seem be to getting worse, I feel like I was left to survive the Apocalypse alone, like God snatched up my angel to save him from the horrors here. I should expect by now for the holidays to be rough days/weekends bc the comparisons are so blatant and in your face. You're not alone in feeling alone. 

[BBB]

I feel exactly the same. My pain is new so I'm afraid that I have years and years to go through this.

 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Then the pandemic hit and all my plans were shattered. I have been in my home alone for 4 months now and it has been emotionally devastating.  All I think about is my husband and how much I miss him in a million ways.

Yep, that's it, pretty much!  I spent years building a life I could live, I worked damned hard at it too!  Then the pandemic hit and it felt like back to square one.  I keep thinking how different this would all be if we were going through it together.  And all of my friends don't get it, they have their husbands or kids with them.  We are alone.  

14 hours ago, Missy1 said:

my new best friend has COVID19, she is very sick

I am so sorry, Missy!  I hope she gets well soon, I'm sure you miss her tremendously!  I'm relieved YOU didn't come down sick!

 

[Missy1]

12 hours ago, ccoflove said:

feel like I was left to survive the Apocalypse alone, like God snatched up my angel to save him from the horrors here. I should expect by now for the holidays to be rough days/weekends bc the comparisons are so blatant and in your face. You're not alone in feeling alone. 

It’s funny you posted this, I had a nightmare last night that the world was ending, the skies grew dark, there were tornados sweeping the landslide. I looked for my husband he was not to be found. My parents and my two brothers and I  took shelter, then I couldn’t find  my parents then I lost my two brothers, no where to be found. It was terrifying and sad I woke up trembling in tears. My loss is so much more than I can fathom, my husband was my life, I no longer have anything or anyone. I feel this world is ending, I don’t feel safe and I will have to die alone. It’s okay, I just want it happen fast so the pain stops.

 

[Jd2019]

The pain will subside. As for me it was time. Grief in the beginning was very hard. The 4th was tough but I stayed distracted. We use to host the 4th for years but no longer do. I’m sure we all feel lonely from time to time. I’m sure you will get better missy

[Missy1]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Yep, that's it, pretty much!  I spent years building a life I could live, I worked damned hard at it too!  Then the pandemic hit and it felt like back to square one.  I keep thinking how different this would all be if we were going through it together.  And all of my friends don't get it, they have their husbands or kids with them.  We are alone.  

I am so sorry, Missy!  I hope she gets well soon, I'm sure you miss her tremendously!  I'm relieved YOU didn't come down sick!

 

I am okay, she is my only real friend, she is 56 and has asthma, however she texted today that she was recovering. I been praying for her. This virus is touching so many and it’s not done yet! We need a cure, till then COVID will keep going, killing people. Why do we think that opening up will be okay, it won’t! Look at us in AZ we tried that, we are now leading the country in new COVID19 Cases...This is very serious and we are all at risk.

[Missy1]

47 minutes ago, Jd2019 said:

The pain will subside. As for me it was time. Grief in the beginning was very hard. The 4th was tough but I stayed distracted. We use to host the 4th for years but no longer do. I’m sure we all feel lonely from time to time. I’m sure you will get better missy

Thank you but I don’t think the pain will subside, sometimes our lives are not recoverable. 

[ccoflove]

What a frightening and vivid dream, I'm sorry. The world has never felt so uncertain and scary to me before. I always thought if something like this happened i would be safe, us against the world we could make it through anything. Not having our person to comfort us and make us feel secure during this time makes it all the more difficult and isolating. I hope your friend gets better. 

[BBB]

You know, I read ALL of these posts and they seriously break my heart. I can't imagine grief any worse than this. It is hard for me to eat and especially sleep. I toss and turn and then wake up in the middle of the night finding myself restless and needing to just walk around. Then I usually break down, stop, try to go back to sleep again. I do this like 4 or 5 times during the evening.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Thank you but I don’t think the pain will subside, sometimes our lives are not recoverable. 

The intensity of pain does lessen with time, but what we have left after processing our grief, which can take a few years, is what we live with.  It's more like a dull ache instead of the sharp pain, for lack of a better way of describing it...coexisting with my grief.  I can enjoy others' company (when not in pandemic) but at the same time, I have this grief spot in my heart that is always there, whether smiling, laughing, enjoying my grandchildren or puppy...I have both emotions going on at the same time.  Hard to explain but when you're there, you get it.

I think JD is pointing this out to you so you won't think the rest of your life will feel like the day he died...for me, nothing is as horrible as that and the very early days following.

[BBB]

This will be my first holiday season without her and I'm already dreading it. There are places now that I just can't go to. Places that we used to frequent and especially at Christmas, I'll be flooded with memories of the tree farm that we'd go to with the kids and it will now be impossible for me to go back there. Good memories yes but way too painful.

 

[jwahlquist]

8 hours ago, BBB said:

You know, I read ALL of these posts and they seriously break my heart. I can't imagine grief any worse than this. It is hard for me to eat and especially sleep. I toss and turn and then wake up in the middle of the night finding myself restless and needing to just walk around. Then I usually break down, stop, try to go back to sleep again. I do this like 4 or 5 times during the evening.

 I was sleeping for maybe an hour or two each night so my doctor prescribed sleeping medication.  That has helped me quite a bit actually.   Now I am sleeping at least 6 hours most nights.  Sleep helps quite a bit with how you are feeling.   

[Yoli]

Missy,

I am so sorry for your loneliness. I have felt the same for almost two months now. The 4th was our anniversary of when we swapped rings and unofficially married ourselves and bound us together forever. I am lucky enough that we are not in lockdown/quarantine here in NZ so was able to share the day. It is hard, I know, when 'normal' life carries on all around you.

[Missy1]

14 hours ago, BBB said:

You know, I read ALL of these posts and they seriously break my heart. I can't imagine grief any worse than this. It is hard for me to eat and especially sleep. I toss and turn and then wake up in the middle of the night finding myself restless and needing to just walk around. Then I usually break down, stop, try to go back to sleep again. I do this like 4 or 5 times during the evening

It is truly sad, I am never going to let him go, ever, I love  him, our love will transcend. My energy and inspiration to live is gone. I read threads and everything I can  about death.  I want to learn if it gets easier. I can’t look ahead. He came into my world and left without warning. I am left without my comfort and safety, my love. I don’t sleep much either, I wake up at  multiple times a night to. Bags under my eyes, I push myself out of bed, kiss my husband’s ashes say his name out loud and that I love him!

At first After he died, I did not eat for 7 days, then I ate horrible. Now I am back to no eating, my appetite is gone again . It hurts to eat, I have to use my brain for work, I can tolerate those protein dinks. Keeps me alive, why am I alive I still don’t know... God bless everyone here, this is so much more than anyone can comprehend. 

 

 

 

[Guest Sue4]

@Missy1 I’m sorry you’re feeling so isolated and anguished. My life will also never be the same since I lost the love of my life 2 months ago now. I’m not really in any position to offer you comfort but I’m getting through my one day at a time of misery by going out walking EVERY single day for only half an hour and forcing myself to eat one healthy thing a day. I haven’t dared go to therapy yet,  if ever,  because I don't want to relive the trauma I went through the day he died. But, I have actually gotten some comfort by watching every day one or two of Julia Samuel’s YouTube videos on grieving and some of the TED talks on grief. Also, I talk or text someone (friend/family) everyday on what I’m going through and of some of the many beautiful memories I have of my husband. I know I won’t ever recover my balance after my profound loss but, I’m at least staying alive until I no longer choose to...

[Gail 8588]

Missy,  

I do want to give you hope that it will become easier. It has been 3 years 4 months since my husband died.  I still feel his absence every day, often every moment of every day.  But it was getting less painful before the pandemic.  At the beginning of the year I was very hopeful that 2020 was going to be a turning point for me to become re-engaged in life.  If 2020 had been a normal year, I think I would be telling you how much better I am coping with my loss.

Unfortunately, 2020 has not been normal.  Since I am over 65 and have some health issues, I am a "vulnerable" person, and I live in Florida, where the virus is completely uncontrolled community spread, I am pretty much a prisoner in my home.

I live alone, my dog died last week so even his companionship is gone. 

My days and nights are constant reminders of how completely alone I am.  So, it is hard for me to write anything very encouraging right now.   

I do think that if the world can get back to normal, I will be able to get back on track to become engaged in life again.  I do have hope.

But right now, I just need to keep breathing, putting one foot in front of the other and get through this pandemic.  

I hope this helps somehow.  

Peace, 

Gail

[KayC]

@Gail 8588  I want to encourage you to post your loss about your dog in the loss of pet section, it helps to know you're not alone in it.  It seems to me all the harder when we live alone with our pet, having already lost our spouse, and they are all we have...and we lose them too.  I remember crying out to God, "Can't I have ANYTHING?!!" It was with one of my losses of pets following George's death.  Losing my Arlie last August was truly the hardest thing I've been through since losing George.  I love and miss him still.

My heart goes out to you!

15 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

But right now, I just need to keep breathing, putting one foot in front of the other and get through this pandemic.  

Yes!

[Missy1]

My Birthday is tomorrow, my first without him, I turned off FB notifications and I will spend  the day alone and working like always. He used to give most special cards and surprises, we would go out to dinner, my choice and he would start the day as soon as I woke up, singing to me  his Happy Snappy Birthday made up song.
I am not acknowledging my birthday. I wish for my Birthday, to be taken to heaven with him. 

[Gail 8588]

Missy,

All of the firsts are so hard.  You just have to steel yourself to get through them.  Your birthday, his birthday, your anniversary, each holiday, none of them are celebrations that first year. They are just agonizing reminders of what has been lost. 

People may call and wish you well today.  It is so hard to endure.  No matter what they say or don't say, it feels so out of place.  Just do your best to get through today, and this first will be over. 

Hugs.

Gail

[KayC]

Missy, I know how hard my first birthday was without George, no one remembered, no cards, no phone calls, I cried myself to sleep...not because they didn't remember, but because he always made a big deal of it and in absence of that, he was sorely missed!
I want to wish you a Happy Birthday, as hollow as it sounds, I hope you'll accept it in the spirit its given, that you have those here that care about you and I am one of them.  (((hugs)))

[Missy1]

@KayCthank you from the bottom of my heart! 

[KayC]

I hope the day wasn't 1,000% horrible.  I hope knowing those that love you think of you helped even a wee bit.  And I imagine our spouses still being with us, even though unable to speak through that veil between here and beyond, are very much thinking of us and loving us with all of their hearts.

[Missy1]

It started out sad, I tried to keep my head into my new job it’s very intense. I made a new friend before the world shut down, we have been  texting she is really sweet and cares about people like I do. She sent me some surprise gifts from Amazon. My stepdaughter sent flowers. It made my day tolerable but I hated every minute, I don’t want this empty life. I pushed back the pain then Friday after work I broke loose, and melted down, was not a pretty I cried so hard I made my self sick, threw up and was a mess. This is so hard, every day I wonder how long can I exist in this void and keep up this life built for us, by myself. Thank you for asking @KayC 

[Gail 8588]

Missy, 

It is so hard, and so unfair.

It dosen't stay this hard forever, but this first year has a lot of challenging days. 

You made it through one of them.  Your birthday next year will not be this hard.

I am glad your friend was able to make it a bit not so terrible.

Peace,

Gail

[BBB]

8 hours ago, Missy1 said:

It started out sad, I tried to keep my head into my new job it’s very intense. I made a new friend before the world shut down, we have been  texting she is really sweet and cares about people like I do. She sent me some surprise gifts from Amazon. My stepdaughter sent flowers. It made my day tolerable but I hated every minute, I don’t want this empty life. I pushed back the pain then Friday after work I broke loose, and melted down, was not a pretty I cried so hard I made my self sick, threw up and was a mess. This is so hard, every day I wonder how long can I exist in this void and keep up this life built for us, by myself. Thank you for asking @KayC 

Hi Missy, you are farther along than me. I cannot even focus enough to do any job. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

It dosen't stay this hard forever

I want to accentuate this!  

I'm sorry it was so rough for you.  I can't say when it will lessen in pain, or maybe we adjust/learn to cope, not sure which, but at any rate the intensity lessens to where we can cope better.

 

[Missy1]

We do what we must to keep the little we have remaining. The mortgage must get paid I live paycheck to paycheck. No insurance pay out, nothing but bills. Homelessness is no joke, I need to work. I find that it’s way more difficult to focus and my short term memory is not good. 
Eventually I think most of us have to make a living still by working, if and when you do return to work you notice it’s different. I don’t like dealing with people, it’s exhausting to fake sounding chipper and enthusiastic, this is expected, no one cares that we are deeply depressed and grieving. 

[Missy1]

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

It dosen't stay this hard forever, but this first year has a lot of challenging days. 

You made it through one of them.  Your birthday next year will not be this hard.

I am glad your friend was able to make it a bit not so terrible.

Thank you, I am hoping that I can feel a little better someday. I appreciate your reply, wisdom from other survivors are nuggets of hope. I must remember that things could be worse. I still am blessed with people in my life including people here.

[ccoflove]

12 hours ago, Missy1 said:

This is so hard, every day I wonder how long can I exist in this void and keep up this life built for us, by myself.  

The first year all you can do is get through the emotional devastation of it all. Rebuilding a life you can manage takes much longer. Im still working on that and it is exhausting doing all the chores alone in a state where motivation is lost. It is hard living a life built for two on one persons shoulders. It is a financial struggle to lose 1/2 or more of your income and the expectation of working through grief is also. I got 3 bereavement days from work! I'm the front face receptionist at a condo, where all day long people casually say hi how are you in passing and I had so many melt downs those first months I didnt know if I could keep it together. Eventually I started telling people I felt comfortable sharing with what I was going through, but then I'd get the pity looks and platitudes and wish I hadn't. Luckily my coworkers would cover me for a little while while I pulled myself together in the back. This year is even scarier navigating working through a pandemic and high unemployment. Life has become more and more unimaginable. Try and give yourself a break when you can and be caring to yourself, sleep extra, take baths, walks in nature, journal, and be gentle and forgiving of yourself. The pain will soften over time as you process and learn to accept the unacceptable.

[Missy1]

@ccoflove That must have been so difficult, at least most jobs are virtual during this pandemic. I don’t have to see people face to face. Thanks for sharing, I am hoping that slowly I will be able to see my way like so many others.

Events like this change us in so many ways, not all good but we do get a whole new perspective that much is true for all of us. I think most of us go through life blissfully involved with our love and go 100 miles an hour inhaling life and savoring the sweetness and the bittersweet. All so wonderful and magical we never dwell on death until it knocks on our door demanding and insidious! We never agreed to death, we just cannot accept the steel cold reality, too horrible to comprehend our mortality, 

For me, I dwell on this phenomenon and how we spent our lives together, I see things so clearly, I feel like I now understand more about the meaning and purpose of life and gravity of death. It’s an awakening...

[KayC]

I was so fortunate to be working where I was when I lost George.  They were wonderful.  My boss' wife not only brought me food (which I couldn't eat of course but my daughter and sister could) but she also made flyers and put around town about his funeral (small town).  My boss did my work while I was out two weeks and told me he'd pay me as long as I needed off.  He held a meeting with all of the employees before I came back and had someone speak to them who had been through incredible loss and told them what to expect and how they could best help me.  But unfortunately it was the beginning of the recession and the business went down a few months later.  It took me 5 1/2 months to get a job...I was two weeks away from being penniless and losing our home would have been next.  The people at my next job didn't have a clue what it was like to lose your partner and little cared.  They never knew George...another seeming loss.  But I made it through all that, thankfully.