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Amazed


BBB

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I'm just amazed how the grief just doesn't go away. I keep hoping that the next day will be better but it's not.

 

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MODArtemis2019

The power of the grief reflects the depth of your relationship. It takes time.

I recall in my earlier days of grieving people would try to explain how it could get better and I just didn't understand. But now I understand as I have experienced a shift of sorts. 

I still grieve, I still cry for my loss, I still have my husband in my heart every day. But it's not usually overwhelming now. Somehow with time, grief has become a part of my life but not my entire life (unlike the beginning when it was my entire life). 

If you are feeling intense loss, sometimes you just have to let yourself feel it. But it's also ok to say, "I'm not going to cry anymore today; I've cried enough." 

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foreverhis
13 hours ago, MODArtemis2019 said:

I still grieve, I still cry for my loss, I still have my husband in my heart every day. But it's not usually overwhelming now. Somehow with time, grief has become a part of my life but not my entire life (unlike the beginning when it was my entire life). 

Indeed.  And it's happened so slowly that I didn't notice the bits of light and hope at first.  I know how lucky I am to have two small, very loyal, groups of friends and family.  There are those who live close, friends rather than relatives, who have been a tremendous grace in my life.  And there are our life-long (or nearly) friends and family who live at least 4 hours away, who have also been there for me emotionally, if not always physically (and especially so now).

I cry every day, at some point, at home, in the yard,  in the car, or on a walk; some days, it still gets pretty bad.  But I am also able to smile and even laugh at times, especially when someone we love is relating a story about my love.  The first several months, they knew better than to do that.  They've let me guide the conversations.  I miss my husband every minute of every day, but often now it's a softer pain than it was at first and it doesn't occupy every moment.

Each journey is unique and takes time.  That's very important to remember.

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jwahlquist
19 hours ago, BBB said:

I'm just amazed how the grief just doesn't go away. I keep hoping that the next day will be better but it's not.

 

I feel the same way.  My therapist said it is a long process.   So I am guessing it will be years.......

Grief sucks!   

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5 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

I feel the same way.  My therapist said it is a long process.   So I am guessing it will be years.......

Grief sucks!   

You are so right. This is painful well beyond anything that I've ever experienced....ever. And it's not even close.

 

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It CAN take years to process.  I hope that doesn't scare anyone because if we're taking this one day at a time, we can get through even this.  Understand that five years from now, ten years from now will not be the same as today.  This is a journey that evolves.

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I know we are supposed to take this journey one day at a time but a year or more of feeling like just seems so intolerable.

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That's why we don't look a year ahead.  Otherwise it's overwhelming and brings anxiety.  Stay in today.  Do NOT think about beyond that!

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I agree with everything everyone has said here.  Although I don't cry every day anymore, I think about Randy all day, every day.  Others are right, it happens so slowly, most times you don't even realize it.  I too laugh and can find joy in some things.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point and it's still day by day.  Sometimes a really big wave crashes but they have crashed before so I know now if I ride it out, I will see brighter days again.  That's what's so hard about new grief, there often are no better days for quite a while and because you have never experienced them, you believe there is no way they will ever exist.  Thinking about the future that should have been is still so painful for me, I don't do it.  I live in the moment and concentrate on that day.  Sometimes getting through the day is hard enough. 

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I'm 2 1/2 years into this, and I don't look up and ahead that much. More get up and do the day. I try to be open to insight and grace, but sometimes it's just getting things done and trying new things. I continue to be entirely amazed that this kind of agony is going on all the time, since time immemorial, people have been experiencing this kind of grief. How does the world turn? It's a wonder. 

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I struggle to understand where this leaves me. I am NOT single, so I do not like befriending singles who are chasing relationships online. I am married but not a couple. I feel most comfort  amongst married people but  most do not see me as one of them. None of this bothers me, it’s an observation in my world. I feel most comfortable alone with my our memories, his presence is strong at home. I have physical evidence of my old, happy life, it DID exist and I can channel  it.  I can smell his clothes or just imagine him in his chair or sleeping next to me. I need these things  so much, they are soo precious to me, they keep me alive. 

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12 minutes ago, Missy1 said:

I struggle to understand where this leaves me. I am NOT single, so I do not like befriending singles who are chasing relationships online. I am married but not a couple.

YES!!! I resent having to check the "single" box on forms. I don't consider myself single. Also, I like my married friends but after a time, I need to get away from them. I feel I'm just continuing my relationship with my husband in a different manner. 

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Me to, I read some good literature on how we can continue a healthy relationship with our love who has passed on. 

 If it’s not a court document or an official document I check married and when they want an emergency contact I put my husband’s cell phone number down and everybody leaves me alone. I don’t need to explain or feel stressed out that I didn’t have an emergency contact....

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10 hours ago, Missy1 said:

 I can smell his clothes or just imagine him in his chair or sleeping next to me.

George's smell long ago disappeared, but I can still remember it in my mind.  The best smell in the world!  They say the pheromones that make their smell has to do with the chemistry we feel but I know it's more than that, it's HIM, the essence of him, his spirit, his being, everything about him played into the attraction I felt.

It has been so many years since we cuddled, spooned, snuggled, it feels a lifetime ago.  It's hard to conjure up, it's been so long it feels like I made it up.  Like a movie I once watched.  Was there really someone here who loved me like that?  It seems it's disappeared more and more over the years, more distant, harder and harder to imagine or reach.

Does anyone else feel like this?  At what point does it become like this?  Three years?  Five?  I don't remember...

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10 hours ago, Michelene said:

I feel I'm just continuing my relationship with my husband in a different manner. 

We ARE continuing our relationship with them in a different way.  Here's some articles on the subject:

http://www.deathreference.com/Ce-Da/Continuing-Bonds.html
https://whatsyourgrief.com/relationships-with-the-dead/
https://www.soulproof.com/when-a-loved-ones-physical-body-dies/

https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-concept-care-continuing-bonds/

 

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16 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I check married and when they want an emergency contact I put my husband’s cell phone number down 

I vividly remember the first time I went to the doctor and they "updated" my information.  I did change my emergency contact to my oldest daughter who is an adult but it felt soooo wrong.  I am married to someone who isn't here, but I'm still married to him.  I am still as in love with him as I have ever been.  Marriage is a state of mind, not a piece of paper or a law.  Two years out, when people ask me if I'm ready to date, I get offended.   

Right after he died, I went home and took some of the things that he had recently worn and put them in Ziplock baggies.  Every once in a while, I open one of the bags just enough to take a smell.  I cut off some of his hair and kept it.  I know people think this sounds so weird but I had to have something physical of him.  Something I could touch with his DNA...I felt like I wouldn't survive without it.  I guess this is what they mean by, you don't get it, until you get it. 

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That is beautiful, I did the same with his laundry in a couple of zip locks. I love to inhale his essence, it’s earthly like sunshine and lemons to me. I am in love still with my husband to, I so glad you wrote that. My mom remarked to me that I’m not married my husband is dead and  I’m single I was very upset and I told her I’ll always be married I’ll always wear my rings and it’s my choice! I think she just worries about me being all alone, I don’t mind, I would rather be alone if I can’t be with my husband, no doubt there!

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Ronda, I wish I'd thought to do that but it didn't occur to me!  My brain was not functioning at that time.

13 hours ago, Missy1 said:

My mom remarked to me that I’m not married my husband is dead and  I’m single

Why do people feel the need to "set us straight" esp when they don't know what this is like!  I'm glad you retorted what you did. I correct people when they say things to me that strike me wrong.I once told my sister that her response was inappropriate and she said, "I can't help you with anything!" She is one of those people that always wants to "fix us" and she forgets I'm a grownup, she'll always be older.  I told her this is one thing that can't be fixed, but rather something I have to live with but I appreciate her caring and wanting to, that means a lot.  She simmered down.

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On 7/10/2020 at 9:49 AM, KayC said:

 

Does anyone else feel like this?  At what point does it become like this?  Three years?  Five?  I don't remember...

Kay, 

Fifteen years is a long time. It is understandable that some things would fade. 

For me, at 3 years 4 months, I still feel married. I still dream of my husband and can feel his arms around me in my dreams. Oddly, in most of these dreams, both John and I know he is dead, and we talk about how it has been since he has been gone.

I don't dream of him often, and it seems to be getting more infrequent. But I do still feel very connected to him.

I have no interest in meeting any other man to have a relationship with. I doubt I ever will.

I do have a unique circumstance, in that my husband was a musician and recorded a dozen CDs.  So I can actually listen to my sweetheart sing everyday. Which I generally do.  That may be one reason I still feel his presence so clearly.

Peace,

Gail

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