My mum and nephew are gone.

[JJD]

On the 6/12/19 I received a call to tell me my mum was dying. It took 2 weeks and 2 days for her to pass. I sat at her bedside and stayed overnight next to her. When the end came, I wasn't there. I watched her deteriorate and struggle to breathe. I held her hand when she seemed anxious. I dripped water into her mouth and kept her as cool as possible. I didn't want her to leave, yet I wanted her to be at peace. On the 17/12/19 I arrived to say goodbye but was too late, she was gone. My family and I said goodbye at her funeral on 23/12/19 I was so angry everyone was having a good time and celebrating Christmas, yet I was in so much pain.

A few weeks past by and on 21/01/20 my dad called to say my 18 year old nephew had died by suicide. I will never forget the shock that set in and the disbelief I felt in that moment.

I am still broken. I manage to put on a brave face and go to work/uni but I am in pain, so much pain. I am angry, anxious, sad, guilty and confused. Due to my emotions and feelings my friendships are being tested and I feel like a bad friend. My fiancé struggles with what to say any longer and because of coronavirus my counselling sessions were stopped.

I just want my life to go back to the way it was and to stop feeling sad.