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Things I'd Have Never Expected


SLSD

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Hi, all. My first post hopes to find similar experiences or insights....

My husband of 28 years died three years ago (unnecessarily) from multiple Stage IV cancers; I'd been his sole caregiver for the seven months he languished. Immediately thereafter until present, there have been scores of things to deal with other than the process of losing him (expensive, major house and auto problems, loss of income/job, my own medical issues, etc.)  I put one foot ahead of the other and pushed through. All's good, as they say.

Some things that have taken me by surprise are:

1)  A couple old friends of mine just vanished. There were people who shied away during his illness/after death, and remain that way, and for some reason some relationships just flat-out changed, but those I'm talking about were part of my "gumba" circle. For years. 

2) I found part of a restlessness I'd been feeling lately was related to identity:  I always thought I was that same girl he met but discovered I wasn't. My core is the same but I apparently had attached--unknowingly--a lot of my identity to "us" over the years. I thought, well, no problem...I'll just blow the dust off my former self and get on with it. Heh-heh. But, as many of us do change over the years, I'm just not the same person and I'm kind of struggling with that. My interests are mostly the same though have expanded over the years and I can still get involved with things, but there's something that won't get out of the way to make me feel like me...whoever that is at this point in life. 

3) I didn't talk a lot about his death or how I was processing things, although sometimes I wished people would have asked. People who know me know that I usually behave like an animal that's wounded when I'm dealing with serious issues, so I assumed they were respecting my privacy/how I deal. Now, I want to talk about lots of things, not re-live old wounds, but just open up about how I'm feeling, how I navigated something, etc. I can't, though, and I'm not sure if why I'm not is because of me--that I think it's been too long to talk about things, past or present, or talk about most anything other than superficial stuff. While I've never been a person who "fit" into any one type of interest or social scene, I don't think I fit with anything, period. 

4) And this I just have to vent about because I can't shake it, and maybe if I tell someone, it'll lose its power/sting. One day the end of last fall, a friend was complaining about Thanksgiving, Christmas, money, her sick (not dying) husband, adult children, daughter-in-law and lots of other things. They were all things she complained about individually but this time came rolling out as a continuous stream of thought. We met a few months after my husband died so I'd known her a couple years+ come the time of this "event," and during our friendship, I'd listened most every day to things that bothered/angered her. So, as she concluded this stream of thought, she then streamed a list of her wishes, like she wanted the holidays to be over, wanted her husband to not be sick, etc. Who hasn't felt like that or a similar way? I got it. As mentioned, she'd had my ear a lot, sometimes until one or two in the morning. Anyway, when she finished verbalizing her wish list, I said, "Well, if I were wishing for the impossible, you know what I'd wish for." She looked me square in the eye and without hesitation said, "And there's your trump card." I was stunned. (Apparently still am, lol.) I found it a mean thing to say. I hadn't interrupted her discourse, nor hadn't made light of it. Subjectivity being what it is, am I alone in feeling that was mean, or at the least, inappropriate?

Thanks to all who can take the time to read, and double-thanks for those who might reply.

Stay safe everyone. 

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57 minutes ago, SLSD said:

A couple old friends of mine just vanished.

ALL of our friends disappeared on me when he died.  Even my personal best friends.  I made new ones eventually.  It's more common that one would think.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendships_b_2838996

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendship-why-i-not-longer-hold-onto-relationships-that-no-longer-serve-me_b_8027096

 

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   Yes, it was mean. And selfish. And insensitive. And not something a friend would say. Sounds like she's very needy. You are entitled to righteous anger over that remark.

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3 hours ago, SLSD said:

Subjectivity being what it is, am I alone in feeling that was mean, or at the least, inappropriate?

I would feel hurt and a bit offended as well.  From your post it seems that you are her outlet for complaints but she isn’t open to hearing yours without making it a competition.  Is that a possibility?   
 

I had a friend like that.  She loves to complain about every little thing in her life.  When I tired to talk about anything in my life she instantly had to one up me on how her life was worse.   It got very tiring honestly so I quit talking to her.  I tried talking about it with her and she wasn’t willing to hear what I was saying.   
 

I think one hard thing about losing your spouse as it changes the dynamics of all of your friendships.  I hate that part too.  My husband was always my best friend and that changed my whole world.  I feel like that part of my life will be forever void.  No one will ever understand me the way he did.  

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I agree, some people who claim to be your friend are just using us to vent and are selfish. These people talk non-stop about themselves. I know one on those, I can’t get a word in edgewise! I am a nice person but awhile you feel like they are just using you and don’t care about you. Oh guess what she is 49 NEVER found someone who loves her, never been married, never had a successful relationships! Duh, she is selfish...

This is why I never had any real friends. My husband who was/is my best friend always listened to me and I made sure that I shut up and I listened to him. It wasn’t an effort I loved him with all my heart and I genuinely wanted to know how he felt and he genuinely wanted to know about me. 

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14 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

No one will ever understand me the way he did.

This!

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I haven't tried to quote yet....

Yeah, my husband got me, too. There was one thing in particular he didn't understand about me (most don't), but he accepted it until he got it. We both had loner in us, so we weren't tied at the hip, and that was one of the things that made us such a good fit. I often don't let on when something is bothering me or someone has hurt me, but he'd know--and then the protector in him came out. Made me feel safe. 

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