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Swill

Unlucky even in suicide

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Swill

I lost my precious husband four weeks ago and I haven’t stopped wanting to go with him. We were each other’s best friend and did practically everything together. Worked together, ate together, lived together shopped together you name it and there we were the two of us together. And then the evil cancer pops up. We fought this too for 13 years and no one would believe he had it. He was so well, positive and happy. He was so happy with life that the only time I saw him cry was when he was in ICU (not for cancer but chest infection) when he broke down realising it might be the end. Then after two weeks in ICU we were coming home after fighting the infection too. But on the day of discharge he fell poorly again, the infection had come back. I sat outside the ICU for another 4 days and then he had a cardiac arrest at midnight.

I had only popped out for a while and I got the most unwanted call to say he’s had an arrest and they were resuscitating him, I begged them and ran to the lift to get to the ICU, in the lift I was on my knees begging God not to take him. But two minutes later my whole world just came crashing down like the twin towers. I was on the floor. I couldn’t see him because I refused to accept he’d gone. I’ve lost nearly 10 kg and took 3 overdoses of pills. Last Tuesday I woke up in an ICU after been unconscious for a day.

I can’t cope, I simply don’t want life without him, I don’t know how to live without my precious husband. Everyone keeps saying it gets better, but trust me it is worse today than it was yesterday, and yesterday than the day before for me.
 

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Selma0409

I am so sorry for your loss, cancer is awful and I can't believe the pain of dealing with it for 13 years, thinking that everything is getting better and having a downfall like that.

I understand the feeling of self-loath, the desire to be reunited with him and wanting to leave Earth to be with him, I struggle with it to but what have kept me here is my family and friends, I know you need your time but don't isolate yourself to much because It will get harder if you are by yourself.  I may not know a lot about your situation but from what you've said about it, you had a wonderful relationship, hold on to that and make everything to make him proud.

Please don't take more pills or try anything, it is not the answer and I am sure your partner would want you to heal little by little and eventually be happy; he would be smiling down at you. Talk to him, I talk everyday to my partner and It has helped me a lot. Therapy and my psychiatrist has helped me a lot too. This experience has already made you stronger and I admire you a lot for sticking around. 

Even if you feel alone, you have support in this group, I am here for you and If I can help, I will do it. Please contact me if you need anything. 

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Lily Bell

I have been where you are. You are in shock, exhausted, overwhelmed, and feel like you only want one thing and that is to be with him. I don't know if you are a spiritual person but I do know this: he is at peace and no longer suffering and is with you in spirit. In the case of my partner, who died a horrific death in hospice, the moment she crossed over she gave me a sign that she was finally not suffering and was free.

That was a gift given to me to help me deal with the loss in that moment. 

Right now that may not console you but in time it comes to us that death is not the end-it is a temporary separation.

Rest, calm down, talk to him, tell him you love him and you know he is not suffering anymore, is not gone. Just at peace.

I talk to my partner everyday. I have felt her presence and love and know she is whole again, healthy.

After you rest find a grief counselor and see them for awhile. It really helps until it doesn't.

Come here for support. This place helped me more than anything.

In those early days for me I contemplated suicide a lot. I only wanted to be with her.

I still want to be with her but know I will be in time.

Meanwhile, life is a gift. Each moment, each day. Don't throw it away.

Rest, sleep, cry, eat, whatever you need to get through each day. It will become tolerable and they are always with us.

You are loved.

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Swill

Thank you so so much Selma for you’re comments. Yes we had a wonderful relationship and his word for it was “marvellous”. His friends calls him Mr Marvellous as when ever someone says “how are you two doing?” He says “Marvellous” as his idea of our life together was marvellous. I’ve wet my t shirt with tears just writing that word. That’s how painful it is, it’s the right opposite. If there was hell then I’m living in it now.

I thank you for understanding the ever excruciating pain. It doesn’t leave, it’s stuck. We didn’t have children because we both had long term health (his cancer, me heart condition) issues. We were never angry or upset about our ill health or not having kids and all we ever wanted was to be together and grow old together. I’m now 48 and he was only 56. Now I’m left to do what is what I keep asking and for what? My purpose in life is gone. I use to wake up in the mornings looking forward to doing things for us. But there’s no us anymore. 
I still snuggle the last T shirt and shorts he wore on the day we thought we were coming home. I wrap them up so tight his scent is still there. I dread the day it’s gone too. Am I selfish in thinking I wish it was me and not him? 

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jwahlquist
1 hour ago, Swill said:

Thank you so so much Selma for you’re comments. Yes we had a wonderful relationship and his word for it was “marvellous”. His friends calls him Mr Marvellous as when ever someone says “how are you two doing?” He says “Marvellous” as his idea of our life together was marvellous. I’ve wet my t shirt with tears just writing that word. That’s how painful it is, it’s the right opposite. If there was hell then I’m living in it now.

I thank you for understanding the ever excruciating pain. It doesn’t leave, it’s stuck. We didn’t have children because we both had long term health (his cancer, me heart condition) issues. We were never angry or upset about our ill health or not having kids and all we ever wanted was to be together and grow old together. I’m now 48 and he was only 56. Now I’m left to do what is what I keep asking and for what? My purpose in life is gone. I use to wake up in the mornings looking forward to doing things for us. But there’s no us anymore. 
I still snuggle the last T shirt and shorts he wore on the day we thought we were coming home. I wrap them up so tight his scent is still there. I dread the day it’s gone too. Am I selfish in thinking I wish it was me and not him? 

I am sorry for your loss.  I think that losses like yours are especially hard because you had such a great relationship.  Not only did you lose your husband but your best friend.   
 

I lost my husband in February.  He passed away unexpectedly due to complications from Influenza and Strep.  Though I still haven’t ruled out the fact that he might have been one of the early cases of Covid before the hospitals had started testing for that here.  Not that it matters one way or the other......gone is gone.  He was my best friend and my perfect person.  He was an amazing guy and I loved him so much.  I would give anything for it to have been me instead.  I came very close to making a decision similar to the one you made.  The only thing that stopped me was the fact I have a 12 year old daughter.  I went to the doctor to get some help.  I have been having therapy as well as taking antidepressant/anxiety medication and medication to help with sleeping.

Please consider getting help.  There is nothing that will make you feel ok right now but there are things that can help you feel less awful.  Less awful is my new normal.  Medication to help me sleep has had the biggest impact on how I feel.  I was sleeping maybe an hour or two a night.   Lack of sleep made me feel even worse. The antidepressant medication has been helpful but it isn’t an instantaneous thing.   It took trying doses until we found the right amount for me and then it took a few more weeks to level out some.  It takes the suffocating and overwhelming edge off of the grief.  
 

We are all hear to listen and help as we can.  ((HUGS))

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Swill

Thank you for taking time to read and write back, I sincerely appreciate your kindness. Less awful is quite the right phrase than “it gets better”. People keep telling me it gets  better and I thought I was going crazy in thinking how can it possibly get better when the best part of my life if not everything I loved  and treasured is taken away. Night and day are the same for me as I stay awake at night with endless tears unable to fall asleep wondering how did we get hear. If I close my eyes even for a moment I wake up with pain in my body when I realise my husbands not here. It’s a pain I’ve never known before, my muscles tremble and I’m a wreck. 
I just don’t know how to live without him, how to get through the day knowing he’s not here. I don’t go to the phone because I know it’s not him, I’m not doing anything apart from crying and staring at nothing. My life is like someone’s chopped my legs off and asked me to run a marathon. Life seems impossible.
 

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Lily Bell

When I first signed on here my name was "moment to moment" because that is how I was existing. I won't say "living" because I was barely alive myself. Coming here literally saved my life because no one understood what I was going through except the people here. Kay and others here won't give up on you either. 

Don't push yourself. Do your best to try to eat and hydrate and rest when you can. You are in for a long recovery on a physical and emotional level. Take it one moment at a time.

About 3 months out I got a therapist through hospice and weekly sessions helped me for awhile. Some people seek out grief support groups. For others they choose to grieve privately. Whatever works. Don't try to figure it out now.

My partner was my life for 30 years. I felt like my soul had been cut out of my heart. I was totally lost and had panic attacks and suicidal thoughts daily.

No kids or grand kids, just our dogs and I lost 2 of them 5 months after she died. I grabbed my "spiritual life ring" by putting my efforts into rescuing senior dogs from a local shelter. I also got out of the house a few days a week and delivered flowers.

I just got busy and got active and it helped begin my healing.

You will find your way and even though my words may sound hollow, trust them. Latch onto this forum and know that you are not alone.

Right now just rest.

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Swill

Lily I’m grateful for all the support you’re sending. It must have been hard for you after 30 years together and I’m sorry for your loss. I feel hollow and nothingness in me. I feel I failed in fighting to save my precious husband and bring him home. I feel useless and a non belonging feeling like I’m nothing. 3 failed suicide attempts  tells me I can’t even do that. Now I have no pills as everything is kept away and I’m been taken to my brothers place since I came out of ICU after the last attempt which put me in the ICU and totally unconscious for a day.
I’m a coward as I won’t try hanging myself for fear of not dying but ending up in a vegetative state, that’s why I overdosed on my heart pills thinking my heart would just stop beating and free me from this pain. I said to myself if I meet my husband that’s great and that’s what I want and that’s what we believe, but if I didn’t then it’s still ok as I’ll be free from this pain. I’m still here, filled with pain. Few of my friends living in other countries don’t even know I’ve lost my husband. I can’t tell them, I want to pretend he is still with me because that’s what I want. It’s not real but that’s what I want. Just to be with him like we used to be. 
People say  I need to eat but what they don’t understand is I don’t want to live. So why bother with food. If starving kills then that’s what it’ll be. I’ve been searching all over the internet for answers but there’s none. There’s no hope. It’s dark, darker than dark and this can’t get darker. 

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KayC
12 hours ago, Swill said:

I lost my precious husband four weeks ago and I haven’t stopped wanting to go with him. We were each other’s best friend and did practically everything together. Worked together, ate together, lived together shopped together you name it and there we were the two of us together. And then the evil cancer pops up. We fought this too for 13 years and no one would believe he had it. He was so well, positive and happy. He was so happy with life that the only time I saw him cry was when he was in ICU (not for cancer but chest infection) when he broke down realising it might be the end. Then after two weeks in ICU we were coming home after fighting the infection too. But on the day of discharge he fell poorly again, the infection had come back. I sat outside the ICU for another 4 days and then he had a cardiac arrest at midnight.

I had only popped out for a while and I got the most unwanted call to say he’s had an arrest and they were resuscitating him, I begged them and ran to the lift to get to the ICU, in the lift I was on my knees begging God not to take him. But two minutes later my whole world just came crashing down like the twin towers. I was on the floor. I couldn’t see him because I refused to accept he’d gone. I’ve lost nearly 10 kg and took 3 overdoses of pills. Last Tuesday I woke up in an ICU after been unconscious for a day.

I can’t cope, I simply don’t want life without him, I don’t know how to live without my precious husband. Everyone keeps saying it gets better, but trust me it is worse today than it was yesterday, and yesterday than the day before for me.
 

I am so sorry for your loss, everyone here knows the pain of early grief.  It's not that "it gets better" but with hard work and processing our grief, we can get better at coping/adjusting.  It's very important to hold on and give yourself every best chance of that happening.  Do you have any familial support nearby?  I strongly encourage you to get professional grief counseling.  Right now I encourage you to also talk to a suicide hotline.

Please read the article I wrote...some of it for now, some of it for much later on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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jwahlquist
8 hours ago, Swill said:

People keep telling me it gets  better and I thought I was going crazy in thinking how can it possibly get better when the best part of my life if not everything I loved  and treasured is taken away. Night and day are the same for me as I stay awake at night with endless tears unable to fall asleep wondering how did we get hear. If I close my eyes even for a moment I wake up with pain in my body when I realise my husbands not here. It’s a pain I’ve never known before, my muscles tremble and I’m a wreck. 

I feel like I could have written this right after my husband passed away.  He was my everything for 23 years.   I cherish each minute we spent together.   The emotional and physical pain are overwhelming at times even with therapy and medications.  
 

I wish I could help relieve some of your pain as your suffering is evident in your posts.  Again I won’t say “it gets better” because nothing in my life feels better with my husband gone.   But I do feel a little less awful.   I have “good” days and “bad” days just like everyone does.  The biggest problem is that the “bad” days are magnified because I don’t have someone to help get me through those.  
 

I hope that staying with your brother will help you.  I know personally talking things out with my family or his was so hard.  I think that is one of the things I like about talking to a therapist.  They don’t have a skewed perspective because they didn’t know me before.  The therapist doesn’t expect me to “get back to normal”.  
 

Coming here has been helpful too.  Everyone here has been through losing a spouse or partner so they understand in a way that others don’t.  
 

Sending you lots of ((HUGS)).  

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Selma0409

@Swill Every feeling is acceptable, anger, frustration, wishes of not being here. It will take a lot of time to heal but everyday that you wake up is a new opportunity to do it for him what have helped me is that. We were in Med school together and when he passed away I wanted to quit so bad and I almost did but my family made me realize that this was his dream too and I had to achieve it for my Angel. He is the only reason I had to stay, I wanted to make him proud. I don't know if you believe in God but I do, and I believe every person that we have in our lives, comes from a mission of God and to teach us a lot. I learned so much from my partner and I am sure you did too. Cherish those moments, I know thinking about him is very difficult but you will eventually be able to talk about him and miss him but being happy that you got to spend the last moments of his life with him, you were the love of his life and that is wonderful. Therapy has been an amazing help to me, family and friends can do so much, but a therapist can find so much pain hidden and help you manage your emotions. 

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Swill

Another day closer to dying is all that keeps me going now... with every waking day it seems I’m getting nearer to the day being with my precious husband again. That is the only good thing in waking up right now for me. The happiness in me is gone, I will never smile again, laughter seems so alien and negativity is my new norm with tears to comfort. 
Why is a question I keep asking? I know death is inevitable but why now? Why so soon? What’s the rush? We almost beat the cancer and fought it for 13 years then he dies of a chest infection in 17 days. How is that ever going to make sense? 
I truly believe If there is a God then his only purpose is making people’s life’s a misery. 
 

 

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SLSD

I am so sorry for your loss and your incredible pain, which is still so new and fresh and raw...so please remember this plays into the desire of not wanting to live anymore. But that's not what your beloved wants for you. 

As they say, cancer sucks. At the time of my healthy, robust, bull-of-a-man husband's diagnosis, he was already headlong into three Stage IV cancers. They devoured him in no time. While I never wanted to commit suicide over his death, I did want cancer. (I've never told anyone that.) I wanted to feel that terrific pain that had broken his bones and reduced him to pile of bones draped with skin. I wanted cancer for about the first year. 

If not for yourself, then for him...please embrace any measures necessary to work through this. I think we probably all have had self-defeating behavior(s) that impede healing--which is so slow, happens so gradually--but you have to give yourself a chance. Please.

Love and light....

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KayC

I used to ask why but never got any answer so quit asking.  Life isn't fair and it's unevenly distributed, that's for sure.  Nothing fair about cancer.

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Lily Bell

Right now you cannot know what you want. It is impossible to think clearly or get any insights while in shock.

That's what I said, "shock".

Suicide is a permanent non-solution to your pain. Your husband thought that life was worth fighting for so long and so hard.

Why don't you honor his fight by fighting to get through each day and not obsessing on throwing your life away? He wouldn't want you to do that!

How cruel would it be to have him watch you take your life when he fought so hard to live!? And he IS watching you now and acting as your guardian angel.

If you cannot control your impulse for self harm then get to an ER right now and ask for mental health emergency help OR call the suicide help line.

Your husband would want you to fight to live like he did.

At some point you have to rise up out of your self pity and embrace life.

Call out loud to God and ask for help. It works whether you believe or not.

Find the poem "Foot prints in the Sand". God loves you and is here for you if you just open up your heart and accept help from God, your husband, and us.

Quit making excuses and rebuffing support when it is offered to you. You won't get help if you don't accept it.

 

 

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LovingHerForever

Quote from above  (Lily Bell aka moment2moment)  ...whoever

 

"why don't you..."

"how cruel would it ..."

"If you cannot control..."

 "Your husband would want you..."

"At some point you have to ..."

 "Quit making excuses....."

 

@Lily Bell ...are you serious??!!??  WTH!!??

 

@Swill

...all your feelings are all right! YOU are alright! You are precious, and NOT to be told what you are supposed to think or do.

Grieve! ....and KNOW!  you are not alone in your pain!!!

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Lily Bell

The woman has told us over and over that she wants to die and has 2 failed suicide attempts. My comments were totally appropriate "crisis intervention" techniques to try to get someone's attention in a concrete way. Sorry if you don't think they were appropriate but would you rather she follow through on what she is telling us she is going to do and has tried to do twice? Wake up.

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Jttalways

I cant speak on anyone else's situation or feelings, only my own. I know its common when grieving to have suicidal thoughts, but if you are acting on those thoughts, please seek professional help. My husband passed away 9 months ago. I not only have to be strong for myself, but for our son also. My husband and I were raised around a lot of negativity so as adults we tried to have a positive mindset. When he got sick, people would tell me they were surprised at how strong I was holding up. I would always reply "What am I supposed to do? Curl up in the fetal position and cry?" Death comes to us all and when it does, we will be reunited. In the meantime I'm going to try to stay strong, because thats how i would want my husband and son to be if roles were reversed. I would want them to be happy and to remember me with a smile and love in their heart. Every happiness or joy i feel I share with my husband. He is always with me because I carry him in my heart. Dont get me wrong, it is extremely difficult to deal with the grief, but for me I have to remember to take it one day at a time. 

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KayC

I stand by @Lily Bell.  She has been here for some time (under @Moment2moment) and has read and posted enough to understand this grief experience as well as experienced it firsthand.

@LovingHerForever  I am sorry for your loss, perhaps you will share some of your story here when you are ready.  You have a pretty strong reaction to what was said here, I am sorry it struck you wrong but unapologetic for our speaking the truth, it was not meant as an attack but to be helpful.  And sometimes people need to hear it in order to evolve through this grief journey, it's hard at best.

Please keep in mind that when people are newly grieving they are often very sensitive to what others say and not at their best  Their tolerance is nil.  It's been 15 years since my loss and yet I remember it like it was yesterday, all of it, the shock, anxiety, fear, excruciating pain.  I've seen people offended by opposing views!  In other words, sometimes we are damned if we do, damned if we don't.  

@Jttalways stated, we often feel suicidal in early grief.  That is common.  Acting and dwelling on it is something else, it's essential to get help if that's the case.  It's natural to feel we can't do this, we're overwhelmed, can't picture life without them, everything as we knew it came crashing down in a moment.  But it's just as important to give yourself time to process your grief and begin to adjust to the changes it's made for your life.  It's important to hold onto whatever grain of faith you possess and hold the hope for being with them again, regardless of religious beliefs or not, keep an open mind that there's a whole lot we don't know and hold onto the " just what if..."  I know it can be done because I've been doing it for 15 years...our relationship was built on faith in each other and now it's being tested and holding strong, we will be together again.  Time is elusive, one day at a time turned into 15 years for me...I will do the remaining years much the same, looking for whatever good might be in life, no matter how small, nothing too insignificant to count.  Blessings.

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SLSD

I am uncertain about some reactions posted to living after a death. 

My goal was to allow myself to grieve, whatever that meant for me, but that goal also embodied grieving in order to get through it. I did not want to feel that type of pain and anguish I had forever. The thought of having THAT was as unbearable as the fact I had to watch him die and the grief itself. Life must go on. And us with it. If I now, three years later, allow myself to sink into those dark thoughts and places, sure...it's going to be unbearable. I choose not to. I can't live like that. I won't. I haven't. Life isn't the same, but I have a life to live, and I personally can't understand why anyone would make a choice to carry that type of pain in a manner that absorbs your life and blood and soul for so many years after. That, to me, anyway, is like being alive at the cost of my heart--open, and always bleeding. 

If we are to give people hope, and be an example of hope, be proof that this is something we survive, how is that done if we walk around for years with an open, bleeding heart? 

And, if I may...if we are walking around for years like that, perhaps this isn't all about the death of a loved one, but rather what it says about ourselves. Who we really are, how we're wired or not wired. And...how individually frail we are.

It's one thing to channel our grief and experiences into helping others (silver linings); it's another when it masks (or reveals) something unrelated deep inside of us.

I channel mine by being of service to others in different ways. Soon, I'll also be (what they call) a mentor for those who have loved ones with cancer/have died from cancer. I can't help those people if I am not a solid measure of hope. Certainly I bring to the table a common pain, but I need to bring to the table a proof that their heart won't always be open and bleeding. If that's what they want, or if it's how they are wired, well, then I'll help as much as I can but only to a point...because I can't be a vehicle intended to help move someone forward to a better destination if they only want to stay in one place.

Many years ago, I met an elderly woman who, upon first meeting, spoke at length with great hostility about her husband having left her for another woman. I couldn't conceive how awful it must be for someone her age to suddenly be stranded and abandoned after so many years of marriage. Her anger and hatred was RAW (and a tad uncomfortable, since we'd just met.) I found out later that this woman's husband had left her THIRTY YEARS EARLIER. She spent 30 years of her life carrying around the very emotions she had when it first happened. That was either her choice or how she was wired. Either way, not healthy. But she'd hardly make a good representative for healing and promise and hope.

My husband is in my thoughts every day. I miss him. Life is different. But I won't be a victim to grief or pain and won't be paralyzed by a heart once so broken that I wondered how people ever lived through something like this. I am but one example of scores of people who made a conscious choice to one day be able live life, not be swallowed up by its pain.

We give empathy, compassion, support, but we also have to be honest. Yep, it hurts and it sucks. That's the way it is. But after a year or two, if we aren't walking proof that our heart isn't always open and bleeding, I'd say it's reasonable to suggest that's a call for professional help. And if suicide is ever, ever a person's answer, that is always and immediately an urgent call for professional help.

I guess my whole point is: you can help someone by being able to empathize, but if you are still raw years later, how are helping someone who NEEDS to know it won't always be like this?

 

 

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foreverhis
14 hours ago, KayC said:

I stand by @Lily Bell.  She has been here for some time (under @Moment2moment) and has read and posted enough to understand this grief experience as well as experienced it firsthand.

For the most part, I agree.  However, looking back at 4 weeks, had I come here and been told by anyone "you need to do (whatever)," "your husband wants (whatever) for you," "your husband is your guardian angel," "quit making excuses," "rise up out of your self pity," and similar, I would not have stayed.  If I wanted what can seem like platitudes or lectures, I wouldn't have been here in the first place.

My second however is that I was not suicidal.  Sure, I'd thought about just giving up and joining my husband, but they were vague thoughts that came from the raw, excruciating pain.  Sometimes it is necessary to verbally "smack" someone who has attempted or is serious about suicide to get them to listen.  If it takes words that are harsh or could even seem insulting, so be it.  After that, I do believe a more sympathetic ear is warranted.

I can't help but hope that Swill's original post is a first step in asking for help from people who have been there, are there, and understand in ways others do not.  It's a long slow process and we all need help.  We may be on individual journeys, but we are walking the same path. 

@Swill  Please, if you find yourself ready to try suicide again, go immediately to an ER or other medical facility or, at a minimum, call a suicide hotline for help.  I understand the impulse and the overwhelming pain.  I really do.  But suicide is final and you may not feel the same way 6 months from now as you do today.  In fact, you almost certainly won't.  For months, I was certain my life was over because I didn't have my one essential love.

Will it be easy?  No.  Will it be quick?  No, not that either.  Is it worth waiting and seeing what tomorrow brings? Yes, I can honestly say it is.

For now, focus on getting through each day.  Try not to look too far down the road as that leads to feeling more hopeless, helpless, and that life in not worth living.  I still focus only on the short term, maybe a few weeks at a time at most.  On bad days, it's "just breathe, keep breathing" and little else.  But the horrible days are fewer now and the "I can do this" days show up more often.

I miss my husband every minute of every day.  I always will.  My heart will never be mended fully and I do not believe I will ever be as happy as I was before.  But the shattered pieces of my heart have started to come together a little bit and I'm not as unhappy as I was in the months immediately after I lost my love.  I can smile at the good and happy memories, even as I still live with the painful ones.  This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  Some days I wondered if grief this deep could be survived.  I am slowly learning that it can.

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