How Do I Cope?

[Yoli]

Hi. My beloved partner of 18 years passed away unexpectedly on May 13th. I am broken, lost, traumatized, and any number of other emotions. I am trying to cope but feel so alone. She is from the United States but we live in New Zealand so there are none of her family here for support. Friends and co-workers are good to me but it seems it is mostly me reaching out for help and support and I don't want to impose and become a burden. The only family I have in the city I live is one cousin. At times the grief is so intense that I can't see a way forward. I know in my heart that the pain I am feeling would wound her to the core. I need to know that her spirit is safe.

[KayC]

@Yoli I am so sorry for your loss...losing my husband was the hardest thing I've ever been through and losing my dog this year was very hard as well, they are the ones that we have in our everyday lives, our companions and best friends!  Losing your partner affects every aspect of your life.  All of our friends disappeared.  I would not have expected that.  My loss was also sudden, it can shock you to your core.  At 1 1/2 months I was still in a daze...it's been 15 years now on Father's Day.

The life beyond is different from this one in that we don't have the struggles and pain we get here and our perspective enriched so we no longer worry about things like we do here.  Much of it we take on faith as it can't be explained satisfactorily...try to keep your mind open for the possibilities.  The one thing that gives me hope is that we'll be together again.

How to cope is individual...I can tell you alcohol is a depressant and doesn't solve anything...there is no way to circumvent our grief or I'd have found it by now.  If we try to avoid it, it will haunt and find us.  It took me a long time to process my grief, longer yet to find purpose, and longer yet still to build a life I could live...nothing like my old life.  I've learned not to compare but to be grateful for what little good exists, no matter how small it is.  I've learned a ton along the way and would trade it all in a heartbeat to have him back.

I wrote this article of the things I found helpful in my grief journey, I hope you find something in it that speaks to you now (perhaps taking one day at a time?) and something else on down the road as our journey is ever evolving.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[foreverhis]

Welcome.  I'm sorry you find yourself here, but this is a good place to be.  We may not respond right away, but we are here.

I suggest you start by reading discussions here.  We are all going through similar, though unique, grief journeys.

I have faith that my husband will be waiting for me when it's my time.  I have faith that he is surrounded by love.  Though we left organized religion long ago, we never lost our universal, all-encompassing faith in the mysteries and greatness of the life beyond this one.  I fully believe your love's spirit, soul, and being are safe and surrounded by that same love.

17 hours ago, Yoli said:

Friends and co-workers are good to me but it seems it is mostly me reaching out for help and support and I don't want to impose and become a burden.

Please, I urge you to keep reaching out for help and support.  It's very difficult for most of us; we feel the same fear of being a burden on others.  In fact, it's always been hard for me to ask for help, even when others want to be there.  Your loss is so recent and your grief so raw and all-encompassing that it may seem you are alone.  I assure you that you are not.  Remember that her friends and family are looking for ways to honor her, to keep her memory alive, and to support you and each other through this.  If you asking for help lets them do that, then it helps them as well.

Allow yourself to simply take each day as it comes and do not expect yourself to "get over" losing the love of your life.  Society in general is really bad at handling or understanding grief and loss.  This kind of loss cannot be fully understood by anyone unless they are or have experienced it.  That's another reason that it's good you are here.  Every one of us knows what it is like to lose our one essential love, our soul mate.  This is a caring community where we help each other, comfort each other, and listen to each other without judgment, just understanding.

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

Though we left organized religion long ago, we never lost our universal, all-encompassing faith in the mysteries and greatness of the life beyond this one.

Organized religion is man-made, it's the faith that counts.  George and my relationship was founded on faith in each other and I continue that still, knowing he is waiting for me and it will all be worth the wait!

[Yoli]

Thank you. I appreciate the replies. Yes my loss is still recent and raw. I come home and cry everyday day. Yesterday in particular I cried a lot. 

[SLSD]

I think it's good that you let yourself cry every day. You need to do what you need to do. So try to think of every tear as a drop of healing.

(I didn't cry until a couple months after my husband died, and then it was a noise---a howl--- I'd never heard myself make before. It came from soooo deep inside--and lasted four days with me crashed on the couch.)

My husband is a very physical spirit and lets me know when he wants to get my attention. Just that alone I hope will tell you that your beloved is certainly around...you just may not be able to pick up on her or your grief is too strong for you to sense/see it. But...she is there popping in and out, checking in on you. :-) 

It doesn't seem like it now, but you will get on the other side of this tremendous pain you are feeling on your own time, your own way. And I think that's key: to let yourself feel whatever emotion is there, be it anything from sadness to anger. Having simultaneous conflicting emotions may happen, too. Horrible as they are, they are normal. 

I think hospice is in your area (?). Where I live, they have counseling for anyone experiencing a loss regardless if the loved one was in hospice or not. If not hospice, perhaps there are other avenues in your area you could take to observe without committing yourself to actually joining, just to get a feel if it's for you. One grief group may not feel like the right place for you whereas another might.

Remember, she is there. 

Much love and light your way, my friend.

[Yoli]

I desperately want to feel or sense her spirit but yes grief is still extremely strong.

I came back to work 5 weeks after her passing - half days only. Whether that was right or wrong I don't know. It is hard being in an office where I hear laughter and general chatter. They are aware of my grief but can switch off from it if they don't interact with me or I am out of sight. I can't switch it off. 

 

 

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

Organized religion is man-made, it's the faith that counts.

That's what we realized when we started to question the religion we'd been raised in.  Not that it was bad or wrong, but that it wasn't fulfilling our needs and our vision of faith.  It probably stems in part from my parents encouraging me and my siblings to go to church with friends, to see for ourselves that at heart, the message is the same.  His parents were the same, so my love had that same wandering spirit when it came to "choosing" a religion.  We realized we didn't have to, as long as we kept the underlying faith.

The fellowship of a specific religion or church is very beneficial for so many people.  It upsets me when a few people pervert what it should be for their own selfish ends.  Faith should be a source of comfort, peace, and understanding.  It should give us hope in this life and for the next.  For most people, I believe it does.

This definition of faith from the movie Keeping the Faith is one of my favorites:

"...And it's very important to understand the difference between religion and faith. Because faith is not about having the right answers. Faith is a feeling. Faith is a hunch, really. It's a hunch that there is something bigger connecting it all... connecting us all together. And that feeling, that hunch, is God. And coming here tonight, on your Sunday evening... to connect with that feeling, that is an act of faith."

[KayC]

Faith is a hope not based on explanation or scientific knowledge, it is something that lives within us, it is believing.

I go to church because they are my family, and I get fed spiritually, it's being part of something bigger than just myself, part of a whole.  My parents didn't go to church, they were atheist...they changed later in life after we were grown.  I went to church growing up, with a neighbor lady, was part of the youth group until my dad forbid me to go when I was 16.  So for me it was something I chose for myself, not something forced on me.  My kids went to church growing up, my son does also with his kids, my daughter not much but she believes.  She usually has to work on Sunday.  We all choose our own path.  

15 hours ago, Yoli said:

I can't switch it off. 

That is the difference between everyone else and us...for us we have to live with it, it is part of our everyday existence.  No off switch.

[BBB]

On 6/30/2020 at 6:10 PM, Yoli said:

I desperately want to feel or sense her spirit but yes grief is still extremely strong.

I came back to work 5 weeks after her passing - half days only. Whether that was right or wrong I don't know. It is hard being in an office where I hear laughter and general chatter. They are aware of my grief but can switch off from it if they don't interact with me or I am out of sight. I can't switch it off. 

 

 

I have been unable to work in 4 weeks. I know I have to go back soon but I'm just not sure I can. I find myself just not caring about anything

[jwahlquist]

2 hours ago, BBB said:

I have been unable to work in 4 weeks. I know I have to go back soon but I'm just not sure I can. I find myself just not caring about anything

On my doctor’s advice I put in for FMLA.  I was off work until April and my husband passed away in February.   I was just in a position to go back to work.  I am a special education teacher and have the toughest kids.   I could not go back until my head and heart were in a good place.  Then of course I came back to this whole stay at home online teaching.   I managed to maneuver it well enough.  

[KayC]

@jwahlquist  Kudos to you!  I don't know how teachers do it.  This is so much harder than just being in the classroom.

I had a job that required perfection (military airplane parts to mil-spec) and I had to go back to work two weeks after he died...I had to go in five days after he died and do the payroll.  I wasn't able to focus or think straight and it was very hard but I did what I had to do to survive.  I know it can be done, it's amazing what we can do if we have to.

[BBB]

I thought you could not use FMLA for bereavement

 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, BBB said:

I thought you could not use FMLA for bereavement

 

Not for straight bereavement.  However, losses like ours can and usually do cause severe depression, at least in the short-term.  Depression is considered a serious medical condition, regardless of reasons.  I'm guessing that is why FMLA would be approved after the loss of a spouse/partner or child.

[jwahlquist]

On 7/7/2020 at 10:17 AM, BBB said:

I thought you could not use FMLA for bereavement

 

I have been on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications in addition to seeing a therapist.   So while FMLA is not used as bereavement leave you can use it for MDD which is what my doctor diagnosed me as having.  Mental health is a qualified reason for taking FMLA.  

[BBB]

I don't know about anyone else but I would never call a hotline. If you made up your mind, then you made up your mind. More power to those who wish to wake up every day and hope that things are going to change. Even more power to those who can get up and go to work every day. Don't know how you do it but kudos.

 

[Gail 8588]

BBB,

Like you, I never felt like I would call a suicide prevention line.  It may be vanity, but I never thought they would have anything to tell me that I didn't already know.  There were probably some times that I should have, as I did some things that could have ended badly.  But some how I survived those dark days.

A few times I did call a friend.  Often I hugged my beagle too tight and soaked him in tears.  He was an extremely patient and tolerant support animal (no training as such, just his personality and devotion to me).

I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but the pain does change, with time.  Life does get better than it feels right now.  For now, you just have to keep breathing. You just have to get through today. 

Sometimes I found the structure of going to work helped me to get through the day, since my office was not a place my husband would normally be, his absence there was not painful. Some days that didn't work, and after an hour I'd go back home because I was just too much of a wreck to do any work. But you just do what you can do each day. 

If you don't have a friend you can call when you are in dispair, come here and vent to us.  We have been in that dark abyss too.

Peace,

Gail

[KayC]

Most states do not have bereavement leave laws. Oregon is an exception. The Oregon Family Leave Act allows employees to take up to two weeks of job-protected leave when a family member passes away.  Check the laws in your state!

21 hours ago, BBB said:

I don't know about anyone else but I would never call a hotline.

I realize we can't force anyone to give this process a chance to make it through the worst of it and begin to see some light.  Yes you will make up your mind to do whatever you will make up your mind to do.  No one can stop you.  But I sincerely wish people would consider getting through the early times, getting the help they need, before doing something permanent.  I sense anger in your post...understand that no one is trying to force you to do anything, we just care, that's all, we've been there.  You think the thought didn't occur to most of us in our early grief?!  I could not see how I could live one week without him!  I did not understand how the sun could go on shining if it wasn't here!  This is by far the hardest journey I've ever been on, and that says a lot because I have BEEN through a lot in my life!  This is a place where we aim to support each other, listen to each other, care, a place where we can share tools to help each other on their journey.  Escapism is not helpful except meted out in doses, we all need breaks from this intense grief.  Some can manage to take a break for a short period, others have a harder time managing that.  I hadn't even heard of such a thing which I was in early grief.  My mind was in a thick fog back then...

Years ago I worked for a crisis hotline, there are plenty who do make that call.  Nothing wrong with reaching out when you need it!  I hope you have someone family/friend that you can talk with, but like Gail said, you're always welcome to come here...we may not be able to do much else, but we do hear you...and we do care.  I am very sorry for your pain.  I know it all too well.

[BBB]

Kay, I have no anger towards anyone here, zero. I find the people here to be gracious and helpful. Maybe you sense my general overall anger at the fact she is gone. Maybe you sense the anger towards God. Maybe it is a combination of both. I have said numerous times that I have no ill will towards anyone on this forum.

[KayC]

I didn't mean towards any one of us specifically, I just feel the undercurrent...no blame, it's very common in early grief, myself included.