Sorry

[BBB]

I apologize for all of the messages I am sending. I feel like I have so much to say and so much to ask that thoughts just keep coming at me and I feel the need to ask them here. Others here are the only ones who can I understand my pain. Even family cannot understand quite what I am going through. My wife was a constant source of comfort for me. Seeing her or just hearing her voice made me feel better. I'd leave early in the morning for work and then we'd talk around 7 or 8 AM. I was good then. Throughout the day we'd text, just to say hi, send heart emojis, etc. There was a calming affect with that communication until of course I got home from work. I find myself with this overwhelming sense of dread, pit in my stomach, anxiety ridden feeling that I can't talk to her, I can't hear her voice and all is not well in my world.

 

[foreverhis]

Please, there is no need to ever apologize for writing as many messages and posts as you want.  That's what this forum and the members are here for.  I urge you to continue coming here to talk, to rant, to just "get out" whatever you need to say and what you are feeling.

We here understand in ways that others who haven't "been there" do not.  That's one of the things that makes this support forum so beneficial.  We do not feel the need to constantly explain ourselves or justify why we feel, think, and do the things we do.

You are most welcome here, though I am sorry any of us have to be here at all.

[KayC]

No need ever to apologize, that is exactly what this place was created for and thank God we have it!  33 years ago I lost my MIL & best friend to cancer, I'd taken care of her for three years while she was bedridden with cancer...I also had young babies at the time and no one to spell me so I could drive in to a support group 60 miles away...there was no internet then.  What a world of difference a place like this makes!  We're all here to listen and care...we remember losing our spouse, everything we went through, we want to be here for you.  Pour your heart out, we're listening.

[Missy1]

Yes, I feel the same way, no one does understand. That makes our grief  so much more lonely and messed up.
NEVER be sorry for posting here, this is a safe place. I also understand that desperate feeling, you will never hear their them speak in our world, never feel their warmth, see their beautiful eyes lock with ours, never...

I still cry so hard for ever thing I miss and lost. I want to hear his voice and talk to him about my troubles. I just want a hug...it will never happen on this plane. 

[BBB]

I often wonder and I ask this in confidence, are there people here who grieve and feel that they CAN'T go on or that they just don't want to go on. I'm feeling both ways. I haven't been back to work, can't focus but at the same time, I don't want to. Almost everything I do feels meaningless without my wife. I'm apathetic and just don't care. 

[KayC]

People have felt that way...when we give ourselves time to process and learn to cope with our grief it can change.  Try not to give up prematurely.  And do call a suicide hotline.

• Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255

[Missy1]

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15 hours ago, BBB said:

I often wonder and I ask this in confidence, are there people here who grieve and feel that they CAN'T go on or that they just don't want to go on. I'm feeling both ways. I haven't been back to work, can't focus but at the same time, I don't want to. Almost everything I do feels meaningless without my wife. I'm apathetic and just don't care. 

I hear you...I feel that way Every day my greatest wish is to be with my husband. I also wonder there must be  people who don’t make it without their spouse. We don’t hear about much, but they do go and find peace. I want more than anything in the whole world to let everything go here. I miss him so much, there is no joy, nothing here for me here...I am sorry I am so grim, I want you to to think about who would feel this way if you left this world. I just can’t inflict this pain to anyone else 

[BBB]

That's a great point Missy but while others would feel pain if I were to be gone, no one, except my wife who is now gone would feel the same kind of pain at this level.

 

[Missy1]

You have a valid point. I want a peaceful ending that’s my wish. Some day maybe I will be unable to keep the charade going, that will be breaking point. Till then I will exist here going through the motions and living in a joyless world.

[BBB]

I understand Missy, I really do and at the end of the day, it's a personal decision that we all have to make on our own. I respect your decision and the direction that you choose to take.

 

[Missy1]

I respect that people should have the right to choose when and how they wish to pass on. I have been reading about this concept and a whole faction of people who believe the same. I found the Peaceful Pill Handbook, it was very interesting. Why should people be forced to live in pain and anguish, physically or emotionally, it’s all suffering. This information gives me peace of mind.

[SSC]

There are more of us out here than you think.  It is not a popular topic to discuss as many people just don’t understand.  I remember discussing dying with my husband as I always felt I would die before him.  He said “I wouldn’t be able to live without you”.  I always responded that he would have our daughters and grandchildren to live for.  Now I fully understand how this isn’t enough.  I adore my children and family but it is not the same.  However, in the same breath I feel very fortunate to have them.

A long while ago we had a topic on this forum about responsible suicide.  It was called The Dark Pit.  Many joined this thread as then it was moved to the “club” section of the forum.  Sadly it disappeared.  This topic was brought up by an intelligent individual who wanted to have varied viewpoints and discussions without judgement.  It wasn’t meant to persuade but to express deep dark feelings.  I hope those of us who still have these thoughts and feelings (it’s been almost 21 months for me) will never be judged.  I believe in a beautiful afterlife.  I believe my husband is waiting for me.  I believe I have friends and family who I will spend eternity with.  Why wouldn’t I want to go there?

[BBB]

Nope, nobody wants to talk about this and if you do they want you to call someone. I'm not advocating for one thing over another, I'm just discussing the topic. Each person, as an individual has to decide what they want to do in life. This includes when you lose a soulmate, not just your career or anything else that we make decisions on. I certainly am not trying to persuade any one in any way. 

 

[BBB]

I've also read where people say "I can now do whatever I want". That was the great thing about my wife, she always allowed me to do whatever I wanted. 

[darren1234]

i know how you feel and sorry . i lost my wife 2 days ago 

 

[Missy1]

@darren1234 I am sorry for your loss, it’s heartbreaking and shocking, we are so emotional and lost. I would encourage you to start your own thread so can respond and share with you directly. 

[Gail 8588]

BBB,  

My experience on this topic, of whether to go on in life, has been a conversation in my head between my logical, rational self and my emotional self.  Emotionally, I had no interest at all in continuing to live in this world without my husband. I was so detached from life, so broken, that I didn't care a wit if I lived or died. 

But my rational logical self would counter with the idea that for the past 60 plus years, I have recognized what an amazing, miraculous world this is, butterflies, flowers, sunsets, rock formations, rivers and oceans, every bit of it is astounding and precious.  We have only a very short life to experience this incredible planet and all the fragile and loving beings that inhabit it, humans, dogs, cats, whatever.  My husband and I used to frequently talk about what a gift (from God ???) this creation is.  And even though, in my grief, I could not feel this connection to life, a part of me still remembered.  I would tell myself to give it time, and I may get back to feeling connected to the world.

Another discussion I would have with myself, is that, my 2 adult sons just lost their father. It would be too cruel to  have them have to endure losing their mother as well, especially by suicide, as they would likely feel a great deal of guilt (undeserved, as they tried very hard to comfort me while dealing with their own grief).  I just could not do that to them, no matter how bad I felt.

I am not trying to persuade anyone of anything,  these are just the thoughts that kept me putting one foot in front of the other, trying to find my way out of the dark abyss of my grief.

It has been over 3 years now that my husband is gone, and I do not have the desire to end my life anymore.  I am still not back to feeling joy in everyday life, as I did with my husband. But I am getting closer. 

The pandemic has made life more difficult, being isolated and all, but I find I really don't want to catch this virus and die.  

I worry for those of you who are at the beginning of this terrible grief journey, that you may be less careful about protecting your self from the virus, as you are in that period of not caring if you live or die.  

For me, it has been a struggle for 3 years, but I believe I am slowly reconnecting with life. Do I wish everyday that I could have my life with my husband back?  Absolutley yes!  But I do think he is encouraging me to stay here and be a part of it all.  He would have stayed if he could. He loved life.

Peace, 

Gail

[BBB]

Appreciate everyone's feedback, honestly I do. One can look at suicide as selfish, others can look at it as justified to relieve a pain that just lingers. It is a personal choice and one that I've just put out there as a topic for conversation. We all have free will, we all have lives, most of us have extended families and friends. It still is a single, personal choice that each of us grapples with. Not encouraging one way or the other as we are all different. My wife wanted to be cremated so I have her ashes in an urn and talk to her every day. Telling her how much I still love her, how much I badly miss her. I do get a little solace out of talking to her but of all the things I miss the most, seeing her, touching her, etc. I miss having conversations with her the most. Our conversations are all one sided now. When we were dating, we talked for hours at end, taking walks in the park, getting to know each other. In fact, we had so many things in common, I would often tell her " You know, if you were a guy, you'd be me ". I suppose over time you get used to them not being there. 

[darren1234]

i hope so just day 3 no family or friends to help

[BBB]

Sorry to hear that Darren. I can honestly think of nothing that sucks worse than this. I constantly have thoughts racing around in my head about places that I've been to and each time have to pause and realize that she'll never be going with me there again. Where ever it is. The same memories that you want to cling on to and cherish are the identical ones that cause me such pain. I smile and cry at the same time looking at pictures or thinking about places we've been. IF there is any pain worse than this on the planet, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

It has been over 3 years now that my husband is gone, and I do not have the desire to end my life anymore.

This is exactly the point I always hope to get across to early grievers...we commonly feel suicidal in early grief and even if not, see no hope in sight, of course not, our world just shattered!  But we need to give ourselves time to process and adjust and this can take a good long while...yes it's hard to make it through the "meanwhile" but it can be done, one day at a time.  I'm still doing one day at a time 15 years later!  If I think about the rest of my life, it invites anxiety, I have strength for today, not for much more than that!  Today is enough.  
 

16 hours ago, darren1234 said:

i know how you feel and sorry . i lost my wife 2 days ago 

I am so sorry for your loss, @darren1234.  This is the hardest journey I've ever been on.  Along the way I've gleaned strength and developed survivor skills I never realized before.  I've had to employ them when I lost my beloved dog a few months ago, he'd gotten me through much of this time.  I encourage you to come here and post whenever you want to as expressing yourself helps and this is a safe place to do that.  Perhaps you'll share more of your story when you feel ready.

I wrote this article of things I've found helpful over the years and hope something in it helps you today; perhaps you can print/save it and something else will speak to your further on down the road.  Right now you are probably in shock, mind unable to focus/think straight, that's how many of us were, they have a name for it, grief fog, widow's brain, etc., no mater what we call it, it's prevalent.  I liken it to a brain trauma, it takes time to learn how to function and our lives are forever different.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.