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Lost


Gpsybld

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My husband passed away on June 2 after his 2nd battle with cancer.  He was only on hospice for two weeks and i thought i had more time.  My mom flew in the day after he passed and is leaving in a few days.  I am mostly numb but can feel the emotions building each day.  I dont cry in front of anyone..its complicated. I know once im alone, the floodgates will open and im terrified that i will never be able to stop.

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You may not stop for a long while...that's okay.  Tears can be a release valve for all we are feeling.  I'm glad you've found this place.  We will be here for you as you walk through it.  It's unique for all of us, just as our love was, but some commonalities too so we can relate.  Holding you in my thoughts and prayers and sending you thoughts of comfort.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Feeling lost, is exactly how I am feeling. Sometimes I wonder around the house or the property aimlessly. Numb, knowing what is left behind is unsustainable now. My hope is gone, I no longer have plan.

 The world is cruel to those who are down. I just look at today. You can expect waves of emotions that will hit you when you lest expect it. Please stay, it helps to vent here.

 

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23 hours ago, Gpsybld said:

I dont cry in front of anyone..its complicated. I know once im alone, the floodgates will open and im terrified that i will never be able to stop.

Welcome.  I am so very sorry that you find yourself here with us on this painful journey.  You have found a very good support group in the members here.  They almost literally saved my life 18 months ago when I was lost and hopeless.  We are of all ages and in different places in life.  We have lost our soulmates in different ways.  Each of us is on a unique path, but we are walking the road together.  Sometimes we are in need of support, comfort, or simply a listening ear.  Other times, we are the listening ears, the comfort, and the support.  Please come here as often as you want or need to rant, to question, to just talk.  As you are able, tell us whatever you feel comfortable with saying.  I promise that over time it helps to be able to talk to those who do understand in ways that no one else can.

I have a very hard time crying in front of people too.  It is complicated for me as well, from childhood with good, but stoic parents to "Women don't cry, especially at work, because it makes us look weak."  That I had a career where I had to "be strong" around some pretty powerful men made it even more so, especially when it was up to me to bend them to my will.  I even hated crying in front of my husband.  When he was in the hospital, I tried not to, but by then so many times, I couldn't help it.

So almost none of my friends and family have truly seen me cry the big, wracking sobs that still hit me.  There are days I wonder if they wonder why, why I put on "the brave face" or why I don't just lose it in front of them because they know that my life has been shattered into tiny little pieces.  I don't know how to not feel embarrassed if I fall apart, but I am trying to learn.  I hate it when people look at me as "strong" because I am not, it's just a facade or maybe protective shell. 

I don't cry as much as at first, when I thought I would never stop crying, but most days it does hit me that way at some point.  I cry every day, sometimes over small things that hit me unexpectedly, when it might be little tears for a few minutes.  On special days especially, it might be those sobs that make every part of my body hurt.

Coming up on nearly 2 years, years that frankly I don't know how I managed to survive, I realize that the emotional and physical pain, the days where I wondered if my grief would actually kill me, are unfortunately normal and should be expected.  But the "good" news is that time does help.  It hasn't and won't heal my heart; nothing will.  But for me, time has made my loss more bearable.  It has allowed me to start the slow process of learning to live with my grief as part of my life, rather than all of it.  It has given me the ability to see and allow in pieces of light and the hope that, though I will never be as happy as I was before, I might be happier than I am now.  I can honestly say that the word "happy" no longer makes me want to throw something or punch someone.

So, yes, it's very likely that once you are alone, you will lose it.  You will cry as if there's no end to tears.  You may wonder how one body can produce so many tears and so much snot.  You will exhaust yourself mentally and physically.  I urge you to let it happen.  I don't like to call it "letting out your grief" because that trivializes a loss so profound that the world around us fundamentally changes in ways no one except we who have "been there" can understand.  It won't be letting out your grief or pain, but it will be your heart and mind protecting you because there is only so much and so long that one person can hold inside.  You must allow yourself to grieve in whatever way is right for you.  It doesn't matter what others advise or tell you.  Your grief is truly all about you, not someone else's expectations of you.

These early days, raw, shocking, and surreal, may seem like a fog or a nightmare because it takes a great deal of time for our hearts and minds to even begin to understand the depth of our loss.  My husband also died while fighting his second type of cancer.  Fifteen years before that he had beaten the bastard.  I couldn't believe that he wouldn't be able to do that again.  Sometimes people don't understand when I say it was a shock when he died because he had been undergoing treatment for months, but it is a shock no matter when or how it happens.  Of course you expected and wanted more time.  That's natural because there's never enough time.

For right now, the cliche of "one day, one hour, one minute at a time" is true.  Please do not try to look too far down the road.  Just focus on what you are doing and what you need to do in the here and now.  Let yourself fall apart.  It is not a weakness, but rather an acknowledgement of what you have lost.  Remember that love like we here have found cannot be broken by death.

 

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Thank you for your kind words and advice.  I alternate between feeling nothing and everything all at once.  My heart hurts so much i feel like i may die of a broken heart.  One moment at a time.

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18 hours ago, Gpsybld said:

My heart hurts so much i feel like i may die of a broken heart.

That is what I felt too but I wasn't so lucky.  One moment at a time is right.  I still can't do more than one day at a time after all this time.

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@Gpsybld lost is what we are...our bodies ache from the grief, we are hyper sensitive to everything in our environment. Our minds are always thinking of them, some of us find it difficult to live in the “now”.  I had been with my husband close to 30 years, this is roller coaster of pain and challenges we never anticipated. I hope you will read some threads and perhaps absorb some knowledge. There are a lot of great people here.

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