Dream

[BBB]

I still can't believe any of this is real. I keep waiting to wake up from a bad dream. Over and over again, I say to myself, I can't believe this, I don't understand, my wife is going to come walking through that door and all of this was just a bad dream. I'm no functioning well at all.

 

[MODArtemis2019]

I'm so sorry for your loss, BBB.

I know the feeling you're talking about. I knew my husband passed away but my brain didn't accept it for some time. For me, the words I would hear in my head and say aloud were "What happened, what happened?" Of course, I knew what happened. But still, it was too much. I think it's our minds trying to protect us from an awful truth. 

If you can, try to stay in the moment with simple tasks or activities, whatever you can manage. When your thoughts are very disturbing, try to be aware they are part of the grieving process. And a reflection of a very deep love and commitment.    

[KayC]

@BBB  Disbelief is one of our first grief responses...this is just a whole lot to try and sink in, let alone process, it took me years.  As Artemis says, it's part of the grieving process.

I hope you will find something, anything, in this that will be of help for you...right now a lot of it won't seem right for you, perhaps the taking a day at a time?
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[BBB]

Years is a long time

 

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, BBB said:

Years is a long time

 

It is.  So don't look too far ahead.  Focus on the here and now, getting through each day.  Breathe, cry, yell, question, and talk to your love.  I talk to my husband every day; it helps.  There are still days I wake up and forget for a moment before reality smacks me in the heart again.  For a long time, everything seemed surreal, as if it couldn't be happening to us, to me, to our family.  It's normal, I think, for us to keep hoping for a different outcome, which makes the beginning especially seem like a bad dream.

I'm coming up on 2 years and sometimes wonder how I ever made it this far.  Some days it feels like only yesterday that I woke up in a house that no longer felt like home.  Other days, it's hard to remember what life was like when I had my love by my side.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, BBB said:

Years is a long time

 

Yes, more than we can think about.  Just do today, don't forget to breathe, eat now and then, don't forget water.  (((hugs))))

[Missy1]

It’s a slow road as I understand it, many twists and sometimes you go backwards.when you love someone so much, you are one soul. I am told you will always have that hole in your heart, we learn how to carry it.
This makes me think about all the things I don’t know or understand about this journey.  We all have to dig down and pull through In our own way, God help us..., it’s so difficult.
That is why I really appreciate the kind people here, when they muster up the energy to respond to us. I try to give back and comfort others, in reality I am drowning. I feel like are always others who need more help. The least I can so is give back and help someone like I was helped, it’s hard but rewarding. I wish you peace and hope. (For myself to) 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I am told you will always have that hole in your heart, we learn how to carry it.

Yes.  I've learned to co-exist with my grief.  It will be with me until the day I take my last breath...and then the waiting to be reunited will be over and we'll be together again at last!

14 hours ago, Missy1 said:

The least I can so is give back and help someone like I was helped

That is my purpose now.  Missy, I have seen amazing progress in your journey.  You are greatly appreciated here.