Anger

[BBB]

 

Anger is of course an emotion that we are all very familiar with. For those of you with religious tendencies and upbringings, did you get mad at God? I find myself dealing with that struggle quite a bit. You pray for a miracle and the answer is no. In particular when you start thinking about dreams you had, what you were going to do in retirement, places you were going to go. And then now you have no one to do them with, no one to share them with. Even if you chose someone else to go with, it's just not the same. Not being able to share you experiences with your soulmate has got to be one of the very hardest things for me.

 

 

[Selma0409]

Anger comes to me very often, I see other couples and I just find myself frustrated, "why they can be happy and I can't?", especially these last months. I know that anger is a normal feeling in grief but I have never had tendencies to get mad so being irritable and angry is hard to control. I often ask a lot to God and I know I can't have all the answers but I can't help to be full of doubts about what happened.

[foreverhis]

My feelings on that may not be the norm, but I believe that God, in whatever form someone believes, must to be strong enough and caring enough to take not just our love, but our anger as well.  Our confusion, our pain, our overwhelming grief, and yes, our anger are all part of losing the most important person in our lives.  Why wouldn't we be angry about it and ask, "Why us?  Why him/her?  Why?"

I think your feelings are perfectly understandable and normal given the depth of your grief.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, BBB said:

did you get mad at God?

You betcha!  I had always been an avid pray-er but I felt God was a million miles away!  I've since learned this is common in the first year or so of grief.  Not so much that God has left US but a cloud of grief prevents us from seeing anything but our own grief, it is so overwhelming and all-consuming.  Try not to worry about it.  Experience your feelings, let yourself feel it, cry your tears, scream, vent, shake your fist...we all have felt much the same things.  None of it makes sense to us, nor can it.  There is no fairness in any of this.  No making sense of it.  It is what it is, it''s enough for us to make our way through this, to keep breathing, to get out of bed in the morning.  Take one day at a time.

I wrote this article of the things I'd found helpful along the way, hoping something helps you too, either now or later on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[BBB]

I actually begin to doubt if God is even there, not just get mad 

[KayC]

Yep, that's all part of it.  It's okay, whatever you are feeling, whatever you are thinking, it's how you feel and you have plenty of reason for your feelings, your world has just been knocked to the core.  Don't try to make sense of anything.  (((hugs)))

[Missy1]

I understand anger, we had no control, no choice, we were robbed of our future. My anger is at myself, never God. I loath many things, any wasted days, arguments, missed opportunities. It’s so hard to bear, the anger can be heavy and consuming. It’s turns to guilt and can get even more negative.  I try to not go down those paths. I know it’s difficult, seems impossible, we are still processing. Hang in there, we are all in same boat, hope that helps.

[BBB]

I'm a logic person so it's hard for me to NOT make sense of it or to try to. I cannot of course so it is a beating your head against a wall exercise. I do sometimes get mad at God, hope that does not make me a bad person.

 

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, BBB said:

I'm a logic person so it's hard for me to NOT make sense of it or to try to. I cannot of course so it is a beating your head against a wall exercise. I do sometimes get mad at God, hope that does not make me a bad person.

 

Hell no, it does not make you a bad person.  (Yeah, I was going to write "heck," but sometimes the full on word seems right.)

Why wouldn't you be angry at God?  Why wouldn't you yell, "Why did this happen to such a good person?"  Why wouldn't you be upset and confused and furious?

Though my husband and I chose a path that took us toward a more universal faith than the religion we'd been raised in, we still had faith.  Call it what you will, the all-encompassing mystery that ties us together cannot be understood in this life.  Maybe in the next we'll have some answers.

And so we are left here, wondering, upset, and angry that what we perceive as an all powerful, all knowing God would allow this to happen to our loves and to us.  So yeah, yell, scream, rant and know that strong faith includes the ability of that God to take in and understand your pain and anger, not just your praise and love.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, BBB said:

I do sometimes get mad at God, hope that does not make me a bad person.

No, it makes you human...a human whose heart is broken, whose world is upside down.  A human who is at the brink.  (((hugs)))

[BBB]

Thanks Kay. I really admire and appreciate that you stay on a forum like this and continue to help others. Says a lot about your character. I'm new to all this and it is very difficult. Actually, to be honest, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and it's not even close. Still feels like it's not real.

 

[KayC]

It does feel unreal, we hope to wake up and find it's all just a dream, but when they don't come home and the phone is silent it gradually seeps in...this is our life now.

I honestly don't know how I've survived.  One day at a time.  Or as Darrell used to put it (someone who used to be here) "One foot in front of the other."

It IS the hardest thing we can go through, IMO.

[Jttalways]

I was angry in the beginning. Especially when I would see a transient or drug addict. I would think "this person is just throwing their life away when there are so many people just fighting, hoping and struggling to stay alive."

I was raised extremely religious. Now i guess i would say i'm agnostic-ish. I want to believe Jesus and God exist. Am I 100% sure they do? No. But to think that we just die and that's it, is so bleak and depressing. I have to hope that there is more to this life than just this. I was thinking maybe that's one of the reasons why religion was made, to help us cope with death.

[Selma0409]

@Jttalways My boyfriend passed away almost 10 months ago and the anger has increased, I think I am just jealous: how can that couple be so happy and I can't? Why did he have to go when he had so much to live for?

God has helped me a lot, I don't follow any religion but I believe in God and my boyfriend was very religious, that is something that has helped me a little. to know he is safe and resting. 

[KayC]

Even if someone doesn't ascribe to a particular religious persuasion, we can still be open to what may be even if we don't understand it or can explain it.  I like watching videos of the galaxies beyond...knowing somewhere out there my George is...energy doesn't die, it just changes form and I totally believe in his spirit and that we'll be together again. It was so amazing how we met and clicked, like none other, it's not hard for me to believe we'll do it again.  I feel it was meant to be, he is my soul mate.

[foreverhis]

21 minutes ago, KayC said:

we can still be open to what may be even if we don't understand it or can explain it.

Exactly.  The difference between religion, a more specific set of beliefs and faith that is shared within a fellowship of people, and faith, believing in "the evidence of things unseen," living this life while feeling the universal power, something greater, that binds us all together, and realizing in this life that there are mysteries beyond it that may guide us to the next.

[Selma0409]

@KayC I hold on to that to, it helps me a lot to know that I will see him again and I know he was my soulmate too, I think you just know it. I thank you because I feel many people don't take me seriously because of my age but you have been super supportive.

@foreverhis Life is a mystery to me and I find myself with so many questions to ask God, But I think letting go of that will help me a lot. God has given me a lot of hope that I will see my partner someday.  

[BBB]

For the religious people here, in the bible a man says, this man had 7 wives, to whom will he be married to in heaven? Jesus says, "there is no marriage nor will they be given in marriage, they will be like angels in heaven".

 

Given that, I'm not so sure we spend eternity with our soulmate.

 

[Missy1]

it’s our faith from inside our soul. I know without any doubt my husband is beside me during my worst days. He is waiting for me and I know I will see him when I die! I won’t go into how I know, but I am very certain 100% I will spend eternity with him. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, BBB said:

For the religious people here, in the bible a man says, this man had 7 wives, to whom will he be married to in heaven? Jesus says, "there is no marriage nor will they be given in marriage, they will be like angels in heaven".

Given that, I'm not so sure we spend eternity with our soulmate.

We will know and love them just as we do here but according to the Bible there won't be marriage.  We didn't need a piece of paper to know how we felt about each other.  I trust God to work all that out and not worry about it.  I don't bring that passage up because it is upsetting to people and I see no good comes from upsetting them.  It is often misunderstood.  When someone has seven spouses, they obviously didn't have the connection with each of them that we do with ours.  I have been technically married four time...the first was a monster who beat me.  I'm RELIEVED to know that marriage ended with divorce and won't revisit me in heaven!  The second was my kids' dad...mixed reviews here, we were a family, married 23 years, but I never felt loved by him, he was not intimate, did not like sharing from the heart (or listening)...my love language, and I never felt connection to him or loved by him.  Another was a con who took advantage of me and used my credit for $57,000 and then disappeared with his GF...he never lived with me.  I don't consider that a marriage.  I would have had it annulled by it passed the time frame before I came to my senses, something like that is shocking and you're in disbelief.  The ONLY one who ever got me and loved me was George.  There is no doubt in my mind we will be together again, our meeting and clicking was like nothing before or since, and I know the same will hold true for us no matter where we are.  I don't need a piece of paper or label to define what we share.  

And I don't consider myself "religious"...I am a Christian as I ascribe to that belief system, I have a relationship with God, I trust Him, I know Him.  Religion is a whole other thing.