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I took your lead and spent a lot of the day practicing music.

I made some Massaman Curry.

I wept three times.

There is my big day.

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9 hours ago, Perro J said:

I took your lead and spent a lot of the day practicing music.

I made some Massaman Curry.

I wept three times.

There is my big day.

the curry sounds delicious.

I was hired to play a "party"

I went "to the bathroom", no less than a dozen times to cry, clean myself up, and return to the party.

I cried myself to sleep at 2:30am, and awoke at 4:30am...

another day begins...

 

I hope today finds you, and treats you with a touch of kindness

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11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Please don't give up.  Give yourself some time, as much as you need, and keep coming here to talk, question, cry, scream even.

thank you... honestly, all I want to do sometimes is smash my laptop, and just walk away... 

I haven't yet... thanks to all of you. I'll try my best to just keep coming back...

we are all just walking ghosts, trying to comprehend a world that we no longer belong to, nor the denizens of this existence they call "life".

 

and can I just say, if ONE more person says "oh, I'm SO SORRY, my problems are far more 'first world' problems"... FIRST WORLD?? *smacks head*

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23 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

I couldn’t go back to living in the city.  As mush as I feel alone sometimes where I live being surrounded by masses of people and the noise just doesn’t sound appealing.   

I simply DETEST the city... but as I cannot go back home... well...

I suppose that I could go and move to one of the other states that I own land in... but I built my home, with the full intention of growing old and dying there, with my wife; hopefully, long after raising our children. The thought of building something new, starting over... is undeniably loathsome to me. Ostensibly, it is probably why I subject myself to the cacophony of the city; it is after all, the perfect place where I can be alone, without being alone. 

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1 hour ago, Art Thebes said:

I simply DETEST the city... but as I cannot go back home... well...

I suppose that I could go and move to one of the other states that I own land in... but I built my home, with the full intention of growing old and dying there, with my wife; hopefully, long after raising our children. The thought of building something new, starting over... is undeniably loathsome to me. Ostensibly, it is probably why I subject myself to the cacophony of the city; it is after all, the perfect place where I can be alone, without being alone. 

I hear that.   This was our dream.  Our little piece of property with just enough room that we could enjoy a quieter life with our daughter.   Staying here is hard but leaving would be too.   I guess it doesn’t matter where I am as a house doesn’t feel like a home without him.  

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we are all just walking ghosts, trying to comprehend a world that we no longer belong to, nor the denizens of this existence they call "life".

I’ve been thinking lately about life and how it is a paradox, a contradiction in itself. The moment we are born we are on our way to death. So it’s the journey and what you make of it that they call “life”. A friend of mine in her attempt to console me, said something like “Death is part of life”, i.e. you have to move on or something. And then went on to tell me about her daily “problems”, as if annoyed that she has to listen to mine. I couldn’t respond. Just ignored her message. Am I too selfish? I can’t move on, I have to make sense of it before I can move on. Maybe it’s just the way I operate, always trying to make sense of things in order to accept them? And yet, so many things in “life” just don’t make sense and never will.
Why is it that from great pain arises great beauty? Take birth for instance - life itself starts with pain. The greatest works of art, whether it’s writing, poetry, music, paintings, are born from profound pain and suffering. Is it a reward? For enduring and surviving that pain?
My husband was a musician, played the bass for 50 years, composed and played his best pieces after he lost his daughter (she was taken from him, don’t want to get into details). Run his marathons up mountains to endure physical pain in the hopes that maybe he will escape the emotional pain. Then came the cancer! Why him? He gave so much to this world playing music and entertaining people!
I on the other hand, can’t complain in life, everything as it supposed to be, the epitome of “balanced” and “normal”, and here I am, nothing to show for my existence...
So @ArtThebes, keep making your music, keep writing your observations on life, keep living - for them!


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com
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19 minutes ago, Maria_PI said:

So @ArtThebes, keep making your music, keep writing your observations on life, keep living - for them!

I have always enjoyed a good paradox or juxtaposition...

as for making music, this is one I made a few years ago, with my dearly departed friend, Chester Bennington:

 https://1drv.ms/u/s!Ap5D3v_QMsqVgcgZwc0mJKHbijBgBw?e=uo4SFU

It's on my first album, that was on iTunes; however, I've since taken it down. If you or anyone wants a free copy, shoot me a txt

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On 8/9/2020 at 2:44 PM, Maria_PI said:

Am I too selfish? I can’t move on, I have to make sense of it before I can move on

Let me be clear:  NO you are not selfish.  She is.  I am still flummoxed as to how people can behave this way toward us.   It's been barely 2 months and she expects you to get over losing your love?

For pity's sake, you just experienced the worst imaginable loss.  It has taken me more than 2 years just to be able to come to terms with losing the love of my life.  I am certain I will be walking this grief journey for a long time; the rest of my life really.  My grief is softer than it was the first 18 months or so.  The edges aren't as sharp and painful.  I am able to smile, even laugh at times, thinking and talking about my husband.  How I cope day to day and how I relate to the rest of the world now is slowly, so slowly, evolving as I learn to carry my grief and the memory of my soul mate forward with me.  And make no mistake, my love is and will always be with me.

On that subject, I urge you not to think of it as "moving on" so much as working toward "moving forward."  Simply put, I do not believe we move on or get over it.  Our one essential love, the one we knew was always there to support and comfort us, is the one who has been taken away.  The people in your life cannot understand, no matter how much they might want to, because it is your grief and yours alone.  Often they will not know what to say, so they will say nothing or something trite or hurtful.  It's usually unintentional, but it can go kind of like this:  Your grief is uncomfortable for us and we hate to see you hurting, so we're going to try to fix you in the hope that you will get back to normal as soon as possible."  That's not how it works.  They need to understand that you will never be the same.  How could you be?  They need to understand that it's not about them.

In my case, I had to kick out a few casual friends who pretended as if my husband had never existed at all, as if my 35 year marriage was a figment of my imagination.  I am lucky to have a small, but very loyal and loving, circle of family and long-time friends, who knew and loved my husband very much.  They all live at least 3 hours away, but are there for me in the ways they can be.  I also have a small circle of neighbor friends who have stepped up and been a real grace in my life.

I urge you to separate yourself from those who make you feel worse.  It really is all about you, your needs, and your feelings.

On 8/9/2020 at 2:44 PM, Maria_PI said:

Then came the cancer! Why him? He gave so much to this world playing music and entertaining people!

I have learned, after screaming to the universe in anger and pain, that we will not get an answer to "Why?" in this life time.  While I have learned to accept that my husband is gone, I will never accept that it is fair, right, or just.  It isn't.  My husband was a truly good man, also a musician (by avocation).  Music was what brought us together as we met in the theater and I am a musician and dancer by avocation as well.  What a wonderful gift your husband had and how tragic that he was taken from you and the world.  I am truly sorry for all you have lost.

You've found a good place to be.  Please keep coming here to talk, to rant, to "scream" if you need it.  Talk to us about your love and about yourself, as you are able.  Your husband obviously loved you, so I seriously doubt that you have nothing to show for your existence.  But I understand how it can feel that way right now.  Your love for each other is not nothing!  Try to remember that, please.

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On 8/9/2020 at 2:44 PM, Maria_PI said:

A friend of mine in her attempt to console me, said something like “Death is part of life”, i.e. you have to move on or something. And then went on to tell me about her daily “problems”, as if annoyed that she has to listen to mine. I couldn’t respond. Just ignored her message. Am I too selfish?

Nope not selfish at all but she is.  Honestly, anyone that can tell you to move on from having lost the love of your life then complain about having to pay bills needs a swift kick is the @$$.  ((HUGS))

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I have always enjoyed a good paradox or juxtaposition...

as for making music, this is one I made a few years ago, with my dearly departed friend, Chester Bennington:

 https://1drv.ms/u/s!Ap5D3v_QMsqVgcgZwc0mJKHbijBgBw?e=uo4SFU

It's on my first album, that was on iTunes; however, I've since taken it down. If you or anyone wants a free copy, shoot me a txt

Wow! Great piece, Art! Even though I am an old fashioned jazz and blues junkie, I can appreciate any music that comes from the heart and touches the soul! Thank you for sharing it!

I read about your friend. Such a tragedy! Is it because creative and extremely tallented people live such an intense life that it just has to end so early one way or another? I wish it wasn’t so, it’s a great loss to everyone.

Please take care of yourself and keep on creating! I am sure they are listening, they can hear us through time and space. I am certain of that.

My husband loved watches, knew everything about watchmaking and craft, had quite a collection - IWC, Baume & Mercer, even a pocket Omega from 1900 (the year). I on the other hand, couldn’t keep a watch on my hand if my life depended on it. Since he passed I put his faithful Swiss Army on my wrist and can’t live without it now. I don’t care if it’s a man’s watch, it’s MY man’s watch and I can feel his touch, his energy through it. I don’t know why I am telling you all this, maybe what I want to say is their souls are around us in the littlest things that only we can feel and know about. I believe that no one and nothing can take this away from us, no matter where we go. (((Hugs)))

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

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I love that!  I'm glad you have that with you to remember him by and also that it was a shared love.

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i am at a loss for words. your post was truly heartbreaking to read. All i can say is that i hope you find some peace and light in this darkest time. 

Thanks for sharing the song. I'm a big linkin park fan. 

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I had to reread your post to make sure I read that correctly. I am so absolutely sorry for your losses. This was one of the hardest posts to read.  Please note you aren’t alone and you don’t just have 1 friend but you can always lean on us for support. I can completely understand having no joy , no soul , no hope etc. I can also understand the question of “ how are you doing” or “ are you okay” being the most f***en annoying question ever because it’s like OBVIOUSLY NOT.. DONT ask if you aren’t going to be there to support me. I am always here to listen... please continue to post on here. We are always here to support. 

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On 8/12/2020 at 2:30 PM, Jttalways said:

Thanks for sharing the song. I'm a big linkin park fan. 

My dear friend, Chester, would want me to tell you that he was never Linkin, or even STP (❤️);

that in fact, he was here to suffer, and put words to the pain... because, as he would tell me, late at night, “pain” was a FEELING, and NOT an emotion; because emotions have words, actions and consequences, both good and bad... However, a FEELING 

wait for it

HAS NO WORDS. It just IS. And if he had to suffer here a little while longer, he would have... and then he’d give me that look... a sad grin, and say “hey! I’m not Atlas, ya know?”

he and I slaved and labored over that track (no, I do not use those words lightly)... all because he CHOSE to lift me up, give me a chance, when no one else would. 
 

and now, he dances in the sky; free of his and our pain. And he was kind enough to leave us with the gift of his voice, his empathy, and his love...

Thank you, dear brother, for spending what time you had, with us ... I often become selfish, and wish you were here... how I miss you, your words; the gifts you so freely gave, especially the ones we all missed along the way. I know now why you never told me the secrets we deny ourselves... the truths we may only learn, long after the lights have gone out...

 

make light, give life  

 

if you would like to hear our original, just shoot me a txt; I took the album off iTunes and do what I know he would have done: give it freely.

Yes, there be dragons at the end of the map, where the waters of life flow over the edge, to worlds yet unseen or known.

He could see. He knew. 
 

as do the rest of us on here... now, dammit, only now do so many of us see and know... and it’s too late. Time will make fools of us all. At least today, I have reason to smile; for today, I live, I laugh... and I love
 

so, @Jttalways, from C, to me, to you... do not go quietly into that darkness; do not submit to the yawning , ever ravenous maw of darkness... rather, live, LAUGH, and love always!

most importantly; LIVE.  And ALWAYS love...

~AT

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Art,

I know there are some souls that walk this earth that have a deeper understanding of life, a more aware and direct connection to the cosmic structure of love and pain that binds all of creation. Your description of Chester leads me to believe he was one of those souls. My husband was one also. 

I feel so enormously blessed to have spent 40 years by his side. I am also lost beyond words with his death.

I would very much like to hear the music you and Chester created.  I am a bit of a luddite, so I am not sure how to make that happen.

Thanks, 

Gail

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13 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

 

I know there are some souls that walk this earth that have a deeper understanding of life, a more aware and direct connection to the cosmic structure of love and pain that binds all of creation. Your description of Chester leads me to believe he was one of those souls. My husband was one also. 

 

13 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

I would very much like to hear the music you and Chester created.  I am a bit of a luddite, so I am not sure how to make that happen.

@Gail 8588

dear heart Gail,

do please Pm me, and I will be delighted to send you hours of my life and happiness; the music that surrounds us, envelops is, and carries us to far away, distant, and beautiful new lands!

 

hugs!

 

~AT

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On 8/11/2020 at 11:40 AM, KayC said:

I love that!  I'm glad you have that with you to remember him by and also that it was a shared love.

Kay, you are an amazing, wonderful person, that truly and selflessly, lifts all of us, and the time you make for us, is truly and ALWAYS loved and appreciated! 
 

~AT

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20 hours ago, Tash B said:

Please note you aren’t alone and you don’t just have 1 friend but you can always lean on us for support. I can completely understand having no joy , no soul , no hope etc. I can also understand the question of “ how are you doing” or “ are you okay” being the most f***en annoying question ever because it’s like OBVIOUSLY NOT.. DONT ask if you aren’t going to be there to support me. I am always here to listen... please continue to post on here. We are always here to support.

@Tash B;

i have replied several times, yet the post seems to vaporize and sublimate from my mere words and sentiments, into the ethers... 

 

to LIGHTLY recap:

 

YOU ROCK!

 

❤️

big hugs!

 

~AT

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On 8/10/2020 at 8:25 PM, jwahlquist said:

Nope not selfish at all but she is.  Honestly, anyone that can tell you to move on from having lost the love of your life then complain about having to pay bills needs a swift kick is the @$$.  ((HUGS))

My response of sad is incomplete, and “confused” didn’t begin to touch on your post. So, I will simply say, I adore your ferocity, your courage, and that your friendship and protective, “mamma bear”, a$$ kicking; yet gentle, compassionate and intuitive replies, are truly (yes, even when they are sad) one of the few delights of my day. 
 

keep going! You have become a rock of stability and sustenance, for all of us here. 
don’t stop. Never look back. And ALWAYS know that we all love and appreciate you, your kindness, and the simple fact that you’ll happily go toe to toe, with whatever or whomever dares challenge your code of what needs to be said and your unwavering commitment, loyalty and support to us all. 
 

❤️ Hugs!!

 

~AT

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“My December” was one of the songs I listened to on repeat after my husband passed. Chester did amazing when he sung temple of the dog’s “hunger strike” with Chris Cornell. Thank you for sharing that he was a kind person. I was sad when I heard of his passing. He was so talented. 

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Just now, Jttalways said:

“My December” was one of the songs I listened to on repeat after my husband passed. Chester did amazing when he sung temple of the dog’s “hunger strike” with Chris Cornell. Thank you for sharing that he was a kind person. I was sad when I heard of his passing. He was so talented. 

@Jttalways

 

oh, what an amazing, beautiful song!

 And yes, Chester was a dear friend and brother to me. Chris and I did countless hours of work together. Both their passings were a great and personal loss to me. 
 

When Tony B (no need for name dropping) took his life in 2018, I was simply and completely ruined and thunderstruck... I was one of the ten people that received a letter from him. 
 

with great pain and sacrifices, comes some of the most precious, amazing, beautiful, and yes, haunting creativity, that the world has ever seen; sadly, unlikely to see or receive ever again. 

***

I have to add a note to a friend here - Jwah, I know I said that rule #1) is that they are NEVER truly your friends... you have always retorted and reminded me that they are just ppl too... and yes, while all three of these ppl are and were larger than life, and famous beyond comprehension... YOU, dear friend, are correct; they ARE just normal ppl... and I was lucky enough to be loved by a few of them. 
i am (slowly)learning to not argue your position; as you have consistently and repeatedly proven your INVALUABLE insights, kindness and acceptance to nearly everyone of whom, I am humbled and honored to be your friend. ❤️
 

hugs to all!

 

~AT

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I’m sorry for sharing this in this thread, but OMG I just find out my aunt just passed away, like an hour ago. She was a sweet aunt who was there for me when my husband passed. She had some health problems, but I did not expect this. I was just texting with her today. She lives alone and was on a zoom call when she collapsed. The person on zoom with her called 911. The paramedics could not revive her. Heart failure is suspected. It opened the floodgates for me and the pain I’ve been trying to bury deep came rushing to the surface. I cannot handle death anymore. 

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Jttalways,

I am so sorry.  

So many things are so much harder to endure without our soulmates by our side.  

My husband's mother passed away last fall, 2 1/2 years after my husband died.  She was 92 and a widow for 12 years. She was more than ready to go meet her maker. 

But her death hit me like a freight train.  She and I had spoken of our deep grief several times.  She understood how I felt, and I now had some understanding of her grief for her husband, that had been amplified when she had to bury her first born child, my husband.

Her passing left me feeling so unteathered, adrift in grief, again. 

I am unfortunately at the age that many of my life long friends are being diagnosed with terminal illness or are suddenly passing.  It feels like my life is to be filled with grief in the coming years.  Each time, it brings into sharp focus how alone I am in this world. 

Peace. 

Gail

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@Gail 8588 Thank you Gail. I appreciate it more than you know. Yet another reminder that life is too short and too precious. 

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12 hours ago, Jttalways said:

I just find out my aunt just passed away, like an hour ago.

I am so sorry to hear this!  Sending you hugs, I wish there was something we could do to bring you comfort.  :(

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