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Didn't expect to be so afraid


Lulie

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My husband of 40 years died 12 days ago. He'd had ongoing health problems for at least six years, and I had been completely responsible for everything. I cared for him, me, the house, the dog, the finances, the yard, the car, etc., etc.  He was in and out of a nursing home, assisted living, then back home. So I know how to do things on my own. But now that he's gone, the emotion I feel most is fear. I expected to feel sad, depressed, lonely, but I did not expect to be so afraid. And I'm not sure exactly what I'm afraid of. I will manage on my own; I know that. I am strong. His death was not unexpected. I've known it was coming for a long time, and we prepared for it. But the fear keeps me on edge all the time, keeps me from sleeping, is probably affecting my physical health. I do not want to take anti-anxiety medication. I've taken it before and still have ongoing effects from it that I'm trying to get rid of. I'm sure I will calm down in time, but in the meantime I feel awful. Sometimes not, but mostly awful. 

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I understand that fear, it’s like they were our strength. We lost our constant companion, just knowing they were there was reassuring. I think, for me, the fear is becoming untethered, losing my direction and identity. Our center of this world no longer exists in this world. That is very frightening not knowing who we are or where we going now. 

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Nancy Drake

I feel Exactly the same way

And your situation is very similar to mine. My husband passed 10 days ago and my fear/anxiety is through the roof.  I recently purchased a book from Amazon ‘A Grief Observed’ by C.S Lewis that arrives tomorrow.  Reading an excerpt, he discribes how his grief presented itself as fear. Can’t wait to read it. Anxiety/fear, can be caused by your Grief.  I’m hoping it helps me.  I think anti anxiety meds, short term,  can help take the edge off without becoming something addictive or masking the grief we need to feel and go through. 
Please feel free to message me, maybe we can help each other...

(((Hugs)))

Nancy

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I think maybe I don't understand how this works. I wrote a reply to one of my replies, but I don't see where it showed up. 

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Okay, well, that showed up, so I'll re-write what I wrote before.   

I wish that life in general could be normal. But the virus and the economic mess make life frightening even without the debilitating grief. I think doing normal activities that I have enjoyed would help, but I can't do them anymore because of the pandemic. And it's not getting better; it's getting worse. 

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Nancy Drake

Covid or not, I am tending to pretty much self isolate right now.  My interest in activities I used to enjoy, is just not there.  It’s difficult for me to leave my house, to even go to the store as I now come home to an empty house, which smacks me in the face Everytime.  Our Dog gets so excited when I return, she thinks I’m bring home Doug....

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  Or maybe your dog is excited to see YOU. The first night after my husband died my dog slept with me, which is what she usually does. The second night she slept in my husband's bed. Seeing her in there, curled up all alone, was the saddest thing. But by the third night she was back with me.

   I really get the whole isolation thing. I've pretty much been a loner my whole life. But I also know being too isolated for too long can make you weird. Actually, in my case, maybe that ship has sailed!

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Nancy Drake

Unfortunately, she’s not excited to see me..she wants out immediately and runs to the truck, wagging her tail and waiting.  She’s not a car dog..so I know she’s waiting for him

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Sounds like she's a one-man dog. This loss must be very hard on her, which I'm sure makes it even harder on you.

So the more I talk to people, the more I feel like I can't do much of anything to lessen this grief except wait. Time seems to be the best healer. Just wish I could find some comfort in the meantime. 

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23 hours ago, Lulie said:

And I'm not sure exactly what I'm afraid of. I will manage on my own; I know that. I am strong

You will prove your strength, you will manage as you have already been doing so, but this fear is not unreasonable...this is the first time you've not had his emotional support at least!  Just try to remember as you are feeling so "on your own" and alone that he is there and still cheering you on, still believing in you, still your biggest champion.  My George has been gone 15 Father's Days ago.  He had just turned 51, it was shocking and unexpected, he looked the picture of fitness and health.  He was my deepest admirer and I know he is proud of me all these years later...let yourself entertain that thought and hold it.

I've heard grief counselors say that time alone does nothing to heal us, it's what we do with it that counts.  There is a lot we can do to help us process our grief.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html
I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years...hoping you find something in it of help to you also, whether today or later on.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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On 6/25/2020 at 10:41 AM, Lulie said:

I'm sure I will calm down in time, but in the meantime I feel awful. Sometimes not, but mostly awful. 

I’m learning that people who don’t understand grief are already talking to me about doing things and going places as if I should be fully recovered after only 7 weeks(Since my husband passed)! Like you, I feel awful 90% of the time- anxiety, pain, regret and traumatized. I hope I will calm down as well. This is not an existence I’m interested in.

I hope the days get easier for you, for all of us going through this.

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I felt fear, too. I was afraid of something I couldn't identify. Also like you, I was self-sufficient taking care of him, so being scared AFTERWARD (when I'm not a scared-y person) was especially alarming. Your loss is fresh, still raw. With time, that weird fear will diminish, little by little. 

My husband died three years ago and I never told anyone of the fear I had, sometimes so strong that I thought if I didn't contain it, I'd truly panic. I'm new to this forum and "glad" to find someone else who feels what I felt. Every now and again I'll get a twinge of fear with still no reason for it. Though no consolation now, it does get better.

Love and light....

 

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