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8 months today


Adria

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I lost my husband 8 months ago today. I feel like I am reliving that day today. Everything was fine, and then it wasn’t. We were doing our daily routine, I was doing some cleaning, he was taking the trash out. Out of no where, he started feeling bad, couldn’t breathe. Headed to the doctor, thinking allergies... he had a blood clot in his leg that went to his lungs. And just like that, he was gone. 30 years of marriage, and i will forever love him[emoji173]️

 

 

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@Adria  I am so sorry, I lost my husband also suddenly, 15 Father's Days ago.  Early grief is really hard as we feel like we're thrown in outer space without a spaceship, no map, just out there floundering.  You've found a good place to be, here, we get it and hope you'll go through your grief journey with us.

I wrote this article of the things I'd found helpful and hope you find something in it as well either now or later on...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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gary t huntington

Hi Adria ,

 thank-you for the kind words ,  and I am so sorry for you loss  and all family and friends as well. the one thing I have learned in the past (19 weeks 136 days) is that when you think no one understands you,  hears you, is there for you, and how you feel when you fall down .. than you turn to this group and all involved, everyone connected its like we are a family of strangers that know, fee,l hear and see one another  . when I fall i turn to this weather its for advice,  to vent ., or to just says and write my wife,s Ceressa name. they got me. and We will have you to  as i said before to someone this is what it is like . my Hand is on your shoulder  there hand is on shoulder   , and we pray, walk ,talk, cry ,as we write, we feel....Love 

God Bless you 

  

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gary t huntington

My dog our dog is missing his mom

6BFBF19E-A5E8-4A66-B0F0-CAFC5AA8A9A7.jpeg

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@Adria I know pain of loss as well, you did a good place where there are kind, compassionate people. I am 5 months and nothing has changed. I hope the pain softens over time, I don’t know. We shall always array their love in our hearts. 

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On 6/25/2020 at 4:33 AM, gary t huntington said:

than you turn to this group and all involved, everyone connected its like we are a family of strangers that know, fee,l hear and see one another  . when I fall i turn to this weather its for advice,  to vent ., or to just says and write my wife,s Ceressa name. they got me. and We will have you to 

Gary, That is lovely and so very true.  The members here almost literally saved my life when I was floundering around lost and hopeless.  I know you feel you were blessed to have Ceressa, and you were.  But try to remember that she was equally blessed to have you.

@Adria  We are all here on this painful journey, each unique, yet walking the same road together.  I'm so sorry you are here with us, but very glad you did find this welcoming, comforting place.

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gary t huntington

 515 am Lying in bed I’m looking at her place your side kicking myself in the ass I woke up let him come and get me again last night. . Where are you hearing what is God hearing my prayers why does it take and give this reoccurrence of breast cancer to my wife I didn’t deserve it mostly my family’s been through hell and back for six months So much grief feeling another one of those days he’s coming on with her to be today or tomorrow I can’t watch Anything sad when it comes to saying goodbye, ,show, movie , news it’s just become so mushy I think back what we were doing last year I read her messages what she wanted to do we did we were happy doing it one year later I’m so pissed off but anything else I Gotta do I Gotta do by myself

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Gary, I so understand your anger! I go through times that I am so mad that Darrell left me. What gives him the right to do that. Why would God allow that. 30 years... just gone. Angry that he wasn’t there to walk his baby girl down the aisle, and won’t be there to hold his future grandchildren. Being alone, not being able to share the small, stupid daily things that go on absolutely sucks. No one seems to understand the small things that are missed. We made a promise to spend the rest of our lives together, and he left me...

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

 

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gary t huntington

I hear you same thing here kids needing questions answerd( girl stuff ) That mom is supposed to help them with  We get to experience what is coming in the girls lives Megans turning 16 it’s going to happen soon supposed to be there for all these times I absolutely have just lost The one thing I depended on the most my wife my reason the one thing that God allowed me to have that made me so happy but yet he took her back The sun shining the birds are out my wife will love this type of morning Sitting on my new patio enjoying my cup of Jamaican coffee that we loved I hope she’s sitting right there in the next chair or even better on my lap. God life is so so unfair to some people get some people roll through life unscathed Until Late stages of life they get to see everything been a part of everything they lived a full life I know that won’t be me and I know wasn’t my wife Ceressa

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Gary, You have know idea how much I can relate to this. I depended on my husband for everything. He was my rock. And now I look back and wonder if he had some clue that he wouldn’t be here. 2 months before he passed, he opened his own business. He told us it was so Shyanne(our daughter) would have something to fall back on, if she wanted to. And then we found a letter that he wrote to us that was put in the safe. It’s like he was getting ready. I regret all the times there were tiny, stupid arguments that really meant nothing. I miss him so much and wonder sometimes how I will make it.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

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gary t huntington

Exactly you just read my mind mouth this morning disagreements that really didn’t matter that seem big at the time yet are so small and I have regrets for every one of them to be honest with you I lost the majority 99% of the time that one percent I’d give it to her in a heartbeat if she come back there’s so many things how do I move forward making decisions by myself about treatments for my disability daughter and her seizures medicines I just get so complicated example we had our complete kitchen redone November and December done very expensive quartz countertops the whole 9 yards the only thing we kept was the door knobs she never cooked in her kitchen once she died in February all my memories are in the old kitchen I am But I have a beautiful kitchen for me and the girls and we would look at it and see why did you do this we know why she’s on the shelf she looks at it all the time she’s got the perfect view of the kitchen and the room in the pool area outside.If there is only way I could build a stairway to heaven I tell you is all how to get there so you can go visit for a while .I might not come back though. 
that was a very nice gesture your husband did for you and your daughter he was taking care of you making sure you have some thing financially emotionally you have something of his that he gave to you I guess in a strange way the kitchen that I have now My wife did the same thing we are all in this together

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Oh my gosh, this just rips at my heart because it hits so close to home! I feel like some of the same things you say, I am or have experienced. Thank you for listening.
Adria


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

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gary t huntington

 So we had this saying sunrise to sunsets which ment love from  sunrise to the sunsets  I been working on ceressa garden and need a wood project her it is 

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1F5CD944-027B-4847-8A8B-EC3595212546.jpeg

6871A833-11E8-4882-B74A-D70B4EB26AC5.jpeg

Love you my sunrise

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On 6/27/2020 at 5:33 AM, gary t huntington said:

disagreements that really didn’t matter that seem big at the time yet are so small and I have regrets for every one of them to be honest with you

Oh boy, do I relate to that.  I have a great memory for my own flaws and faults, so I can go back decades and think of my petty or silly snits.  I wish we had that "do over" so I could be kinder, more loving, more considerate, more patient (with myself and with him).  But I also know that 35 years of marriage between two soulmates who are imperfect human beings means that we will have disagreements.  We rarely, rarely had what could be called fights, and we never screamed or cursed at each other.  Still, I know there were times I was unkind and impatient.  I can't take those moments back, so I can only hope that he has forgiven me for my mistakes and missteps as I have forgiven him for his.

You are creating the most beautiful tribute to Ceressa.  It's a tribute to your love for each other and how very special she is.  Absolutely lovely.

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Gary,

You are doing a beautiful job of creating a memorial just for her, the love of your life, the one who owns your affection.  So beautiful!

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