My husband died 4 days ago..,,

[Nancy Drake]

I just lost my husband of nearly 22 years on June 15.He was 65 years young. He died at home. He had been ill for over 12 years, tho the last 18 months were the worst.  I was his primary caregiver and hospice was involved for the last 9 months.  I stayed home full time in Sept and retired at 62 in Feb 2020. Not only am I dealing with intense grief, physically and emotionally, my spirituality is fractured.  I am suffering anxiety and am afraid to be alone now. I have to sell my home and move to an apartment, as my income (SS) is now basically cut in half.I feel like my world is shattered.  Iam grieving the loss of not only my soul mate, but my entire identity. I need guidance... thus is soooo hard....

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I know your world is turned upside down.  My income was cut in half the day George died too, and we had no life insurance as the company billed us way more than quoted and we were haggling about it when George suddenly died unexpectedly, he had just turned 51.  That was 15 years ago tomorrow, and it fell on father's day that year.  I am sorry you are being forced to sell your home and move, so hard.  Have you thought of a reverse mortgage and deferring property taxes to stay in your place?  I can tell you that since my husband's death, I lost my job three times (it was during the recession and I faced age discrimination for the first time in my life), the third time I hung it up and took early retirement as I knew from past efforts I would not get a job.  The first week I retired I learned I needed a new roof and my retirement account had taken a nosedive during the recession but I used the bit that was left of George's account to pay for a new roof.  Somehow I've made it through some very hard places intact.  And now I'm growing old alone (I'll be 68 this year).  I too have anxiety and got on meds to help, the doctor wanted to put me on Valium and I said no but he made me try it, it made me too tired for my long commute so I did my own research and came up with Buspirone (Buspar) and have been on it ever since (I have GAD).  It doesn't mess up your brain or make you robotic or w/o feelings, which is important to me, is not a SSRI.

I wrote this article of the things I'd found helpful and would like to share it with you in the hopes you will find something of help to you as well, either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[Missy1]

7 hours ago, Nancy Drake said:

I just lost my husband of nearly 22 years on June 15.He was 65 years young. He died at home. He had been ill for over 12 years, tho the last 18 months were the worst.  I was his primary caregiver and hospice was involved for the last 9 months.  I stayed home full time in Sept and retired at 62 in Feb 2020. Not only am I dealing with intense grief, physically and emotionally, my spirituality is fractured.  I am suffering anxiety and am afraid to be alone now. I have to sell my home and move to an apartment, as my income (SS) is now basically cut in half.I feel like my world is shattered.  Iam grieving the loss of not only my soul mate, but my entire identity. I need guidance... thus is soooo hard....

My heart hurts for your loss, this is a horrible journey to have to go alone. They are part of our soul, everyday life was tied to our person. Let your pain out, post here as you need to among people who understand. Keep trying and take each day, each breath one at a time.

[Nancy Drake]

I get his ashes today and I can’t quit crying......

[foreverhis]

Just now, Nancy Drake said:

I get his ashes today and I can’t quit crying......

Welcome.  I'm sorry you are here with us.  Your loss is so fresh and shocking that there really is not much you should expect yourself to do except keep breathing and take it one day, hour, or minute at a time.  Whatever you are feeling, thinking, and doing is "right" because this is your grief and will be your journey.

About his ashes.  I understand this completely.  For whatever reason (no one knows), there were a lot of deaths in our small community 2 summers ago.  I wasn't able to pick up my husband's ashes (in their handsome leather cylinder) for 2 weeks.  I stupidly thought I'd be fine driving myself the 4-5 miles (not sure really) down the road and back.  I sobbed the entire time driving home and cried for the rest of the day.  I think in part it's because it's a tangible "in your face" reminder that he will not be walking back in the door or be there when we get home that makes it a really hard smack in the heart.

Please come here and talk as you are able.  Rant, cry, scream, question, and say anything at all.  We do not judge and we do not deal in platitudes.  We are here to listen and to share this most horrible loss in the world.

((hugs))

[Missy1]

I remember the day I picked up his ashes, I thought this must be some cruel joke or a bad dream, this can’t be my husband. I keep him on my nightstand, his funeral prayer card on top of the leather box. I kiss it and talk to him every day.  I feel sick and sad, living in a void, the earth stopped the day he died! 
Are you going to keep his ashes or spread them? I am keeping his ashes, when I die I want our ashes mixed and spread or put to rest in a plot together forever.

 

[Nancy Drake]

We are keeping some of the ashes, to make into something ‘forever’ to keep, for our children and I .The rest will be scattered in Maine where he grew up, Owls Head lighthouse.  I am so heartbroken.... we plan on making a family trip there in the future

i cannot think beyond today... thank you for replying and sharing.  I am so sorry for your loss 

[Missy1]

What a beautiful tribute. I am to emotionally crippled to part with his ashes right now. I know deep inside they deserve to be honored and have their ashes spread.  Love your plan, keep you thoughts positive, keep the love and best of times in your thoughts and knower that right now he is by your side... we just can’t see them.

[KayC]

Nancy, I hope you don't feel rushed in your effort to spread his ashes, I like your decision to do something with some of them that you can keep, I've heard they make diamonds, etc. out of them, I spread them before I found out about that, would have loved to kept part of him with me.

[Nancy Drake]

I am not doing anything with them for quite awhile...

today is my first day, and night alone .  My kids are adults with families and they have been with me (us) the last couple of weeks.  I told them I had to be alone right now, tho I’m not sure I want to.

our lab, Ursa, is 14 and arthritic, I’m afraid I will lose her next

today is hard.... I have ulcerative colitis that is flaring. I’ve lost over 10 lbs in the last few weeks as I cannot eat or sleep much

my heart is broken....

[KayC]

I lost at first and then gained, just now got my weight back to normal...it's been 15 Father's Days ago that I lost him.  Try having healthy smoothies when you don't feel like eating or just snacking on something healthy...meat cheese, vegetables.  Make sure to drink enough water, that we need!

One day at a time...(((hugs)))

[Nancy Drake]

Thank you.... I’m sorry that today is the anniversary of your husbands death.. ( Big Hugs)

i feel so lost, lonely and anxious 

[KayC]

That's how I felt in the early time...VERY anxious!  I remember feeling frantic, wanting someone to talk to but no one was there.  I hope you'll keep coming here, it helps to have somewhere where people "get it."

[Gail 8588]

Missy1,

Don't feel bad about keeping his ashes.  Trust your heart. You need to have his ashes with you for now, and that is fine.  You will deal with them when you are ready.  Don't concern yourself with others expectations of when one thing or another is supposed to be done. Take comfort in what gives you comfort. His ashes are being honored right now, with you.

The clothes my husband wore the day he had his stroke are in my closet right now and he died over 3 years ago, and I have moved twice.  They still give me comfort everyday.  I am not ready to part with them. I may never be ready, or maybe I will be one day. 

It is hard enough getting through each day with the few crutches we have left to support us without piling guilt on ourselves that we "should" be handling things the way society expects.

Peace,

Gail

[Missy1]

@Gail 8588 I just feef guilty because we talked about death, he wanted his ashes spread, he wanted bagpipe music and a celebration of his life. I can’t do any of that, I can’t let go of anything, nor have any celebrations. Too hard, I am broken and drifting.

Thank you for sharing, I  never never want to move his stuff. I am hanging on by a thread, today it was like the universe is pushing me to my limit. I lost my job, it’s is his Birthday! I don’t feel like I can face interviews and the whole ordeal. I will stay in our house or leave in a pine box! This world has changed for me  it’s now caustic and cruel...I fear that I will be swallowed up.

I sometimes wear his T-shirts’ to sleep in, I feel closer to him, but still too upsetting. Any shred leftover is a treasure to me. I  want him to know that I am holding his place here, in his house, his life on earth is part of my life, honor and respect for our lives together.

 

 

[jwahlquist]

@Nancy Drake

I am sorry for your loss.   The first month felt like a blurry nightmare.  I made it through it but it was tough.  I was tempted to give up more than once.   Sleeping pills and getting to sleep more than an hour a night helps some.  Antidepressants help some as well but not always.  I have my moments where I am functioning mostly ok then I have moments where I am just not ok at all.  Therapy has helped me some.  
 

As for items and your husbands remains take your time and do what feels right to you.  There is no rule that says you have to do anything.   I think everyone’s journey is different thus everyone will have a different timeline for handling things.  
Personally, I have given some things to family that I thought they would like to remember my husband by.  His ashes are still in his urn.  I custom ordered a beautiful yet fun urn.  My husband loved comics and specifically superhero comics/movies.  Batman was always his favorite so that was the urn I picked out. It is in his office with his World of Warcraft and superhero LEGO collections.
 

 Not much else has changed except our bedroom.  I just couldn’t even be in the room the way it was when we shared it.  I slept on the couch for 6 weeks.  After a couple discussions with a therapist I came to realize that I needed a space to make my own.  I needed one place where I didn’t have constant reminders of everything I have lost.  I had the room and en-suite painted my favorite color. I bought a new smaller bed and bedding because the king size bed was too big & too empty. I also got a few new accessories and brought in furniture for a sitting area.  I would move but I don’t want to uproot my 12 year old daughter from the school she loves.  

[Jttalways]

On 6/19/2020 at 5:34 PM, Missy1 said:

I remember the day I picked up his ashes, I thought this must be some cruel joke or a bad dream, this can’t be my husband. I keep him on my nightstand, his funeral prayer card on top of the leather box. I kiss it and talk to him every day.  

I felt the same way when I picked up my husband’s ashes. They sit in a wooden box on top of my dresser. I also talk to him everyday and when I‘m upset I’ll hug the box and cry.

 

On 6/19/2020 at 8:03 PM, Nancy Drake said:

We are keeping some of the ashes, to make into something ‘forever’ to keep, for our children and I .

I have several pieces of jewelry made with my husband’s ashes for my son and I. I also have 2 glass sculptures (paperweight size) made with his ashes. My husband was a big man, I think his ashes weigh around 30 pounds. Eventually I will scatter his ashes where he wanted me to scatter them, but I will keep a small amount so when I die, my son can put some of my ashes with my husband’s and make something out of them or bury or scatter them. I am in no hurry to part with them. I will scatter them when I feel the time is right. My husband’s parents want me to scatter them on his 1 year passing, but I said no. That’s too soon for me.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

As for items and your husbands remains take your time and do what feels right to you.  There is no rule that says you have to do anything.   I think everyone’s journey is different thus everyone will have a different timeline for handling things.  

So spot on!  Please don't feel guilty for anything.  You're getting through this the best you can and he knows that.  What you talked about before was an abstract, neither of you could have possibly known what it would feel like when it came down to it, being on the other side of it now I'm sure he understands!  And besides you can always do the bagpipes, etc later on down the road, there IS no deadline for memorials or how you celebrate!  When my sister died, the only ones who had had anything to do with her was us her family and her caregiver's family, so we had an intimate get together at a park and released her ashes in the stream, probably broke a law but who cares, animals pee and die all the time and no one whines about their contamination!  Do what feels right to you and if or when you're ready.

[Gpsybld]

My husband passed away on June 2 from cancer.  I am still numb mostly and sad.  I am lost

[KayC]

@Gpsybld  I am so sorry, your loss is so recent.  I hope you'll keep coming here...I remember those early days all too well, in shock, lost beyond belief.  Anxiety through the roof!

[Jttalways]

@Gpsybld I am sorry for your lost. I lost my husband in September to Cancer. This site has helped me cope.

[RenegadeRN]

My husband passed away on June 2 from cancer.  I am still numb mostly and sad.  I am lost

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife of 43 years on May 27th to cancer. It is extremely difficult. Just visiting this site and reading has helped me cope. I have learned so much and am grateful.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[LTB]

I put off picking up my husband's ashes in 2 small spreading containers until just before my flight out of town, 2 months after his death.  For me the ashes comfirmed he is truly gone.

I'm angry the Covid-19 virus has stolen the opportunity to gather friends to scatter Jack's ashes on the Chesapeake Bay and the Georgian Bay for a grand farewell.  It saddens me to think it might not happen for a year or more.

[Missy1]

I drove so fast to get those ashes, I wanted anything left of my sweet angel, loved him so much! I want treasure everything  he left behind. I just couldn’t imagine not picking up his earthly remains and taking them home where he belongs. Just different mind sets, he had walked through fire for me, I want to do the same for him always no matter how much it hurts. 

[LTB]

For me, I was in denial that my husband passed, since it was an accidental drowning.  My husband was a missing person at first, so I kept hoping he would walk through the front door.

Sometimes I think I'm still in shock!

[Gpsybld]

Im starting to go through my husbands things.  Its so hard to do but i have to move my bedroom.  Im hoping the change of scenery will help me sleep better and not see him lying dead in my bed evertime i enter the room

[Missy1]

I totally understand, it was so horrific to think my big strong husband was now a box of ashes. His  beautiful blue eyes, his strawberry blond hair, his freckles, his voice and laughter I shall never have any of  all those things ever again. Just a box of dust, so final that they are physically not coming back. I still prayed and begged God bring him back to me.

[jwahlquist]

On 7/14/2020 at 8:39 PM, LTB said:

For me, I was in denial that my husband passed, since it was an accidental drowning.  My husband was a missing person at first, so I kept hoping he would walk through the front door.

Sometimes I think I'm still in shock!

My husband got sick very suddenly and I was in denial that he wasn’t coming home for quite some time.  When the funeral home called to ask if I wanted to pick up his ashes It felt like I got hit by an 18 wheeler.  I couldn’t answer at first because I think I lost the ability to breathe.  It hit me so hard that I would never see his face again or hear his voice.  It was like reality caught up to me and crushed me.   I went to bed and cried the rest of the day.  I just couldn’t function.  It sucked so very much.  

[KayC]

I sleep on the reclining love seat to this day.  For some reason the empty bed accentuates that he is not here with me whereas our love seat is more comforting.  I don't know why.  The love seat was our first piece of furniture we got...he wanted one that did not have a console in the middle because he wanted to snuggle and hold hands.  It's old, broke down, worn out now but still I keep it.  Our bedroom still has our bed but I use the room for sewing and storage mostly.