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Dad died


silverkitties

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silverkitties

Hello to all my grieving friends--Reader, Eve, Missionblue, Nuvar, May, LisaK, Tessa, Mariesgirl, Vendana (I'm sure there are others...)

It's been a while since I've been here: I think the last I was here, I was cussing out my dad's younger brother on the phone on Chinese New Year's Eve.

Well, the inevitable happened:my dad passed on March 7th, 2019. You know, as much as I wished for his death, and as angry and frustrated as I was every day, his passing still came as a shock. I still expected another year or so.

Problems had already begun  the previous week. They sent him home too early on Feb 27--which happened to be mom's birthday. He got sick again, refusing to eat on Saturday. I knew--or at least thought he needed to be hospitalized. He was sent to an ICU and he seemed to be improving the next day. In the meantime, I ordered a ton of ice cream and ginger ale, his favorite food and drink.

It was on Wednesday that the doctor called to say he was dying. It seemed impossible because dad kept complaining to me that he was hungry. How could a dying man be hungry? The doctor explained they couldn't give him food because he kept failing the swallow test.

Then dad wanted to speak to me.. He cried "I love you! I'm dying."

I hadn't intended to go to the hospital because there was so much ice around my doorway. Yet, I knew I had to see him one last time. By the time I had arrived there, he had pretty much lost his consciousness. I stayed up all night  with him into the  following afternoon, hoping he would hear me apologize for the day I yelled at him and to tell him that I loved him too. I figured I would go home and return to see him the next day. As I was about to go to bed around 2 am that night, I got a call from the nurse. My dad had just passed.

After that, I was steeped in work: I had to take care of his insurance and bills. I also had to find a second job or a better one. I had to revise my book manuscript after getting the readers' reports and start a new book proposal. In the meantime, my washing machine broke down, one of my cats developed pancreatitis. I also had to buy a new laptop.

Fortunately, these problems were resolved by October. My cat was doing better, My editor accepted the revisions: the book was finally on the way to being published

And yet,as November rolled around, I started to feel depressed. I couldn't help but remember that I started my book in  November 2013--6 years ago. I recall thinking to myself how mom and I were going to celebrate once I finished the book. The holidays were approaching and I had no one to celebrate with. I felt progressively through December to the point that I decided to call the suicide hotline because I needed someone to talk to. Fortunately, I was sent the copy edits for the book--I always feel better when I'm occupied. 

As the months rolled by, another term started and I managed to complete the proofs and index for my book. I was ready to treat myself once I sent in my index, which was complicated by one little thing: the coronavirus. Yes, all the restaurants were closed. I was also going a little insane as I STILL had not heard from the other editor about the book proposal I submitted in September. I only just found out a few weeks ago that it was accepted--and that the reviewers thought it was excellent. In fact, I just heard that one of the chief editors  said it was the BEST book proposal he had ever read.

So life goes on. But let me say that I sometimes still miss my mom like crazy. In fact,  tomorrow is the 6th anniversary of the fatal day that we discovered her cancer. (How time flies!) My feelings for my dad remain conflicted. I wound up acknowledging him in my book, thanking him for funding my education: it's only fair. I have some happy memories that I will discuss later. However, I can never forgive him for destroying my career. Nor can I forgive him for screwing up our finances--even as I realize that there are worse fathers and husbands.(Although I guess I should be thankful that he is not like the Harvard law professor who got his entire estate cleaned out by his lover!)

 

 

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MissionBlue

Hello, Silver:

Please accept my sincere condolences on the passing of your father.  Even though your relationship with him was difficult, losing a parent, especially one you personally cared for, is still very painful.  I'm glad he was able to express his love for you before he departed this world.  

On a brighter note, congratulations on the publication of your book and the acceptance of your new book proposal!  Your mom would be so proud as I'm sure she was throughout your life together.  

I sympathize deeply with the loneliness that inevitably follows the death of both one's parents.  After the death of my parents within two months of each other, I also had to call a suicide hot line even though I was not suicidal. I just felt so alone and deeply depressed. 

I realize how the pandemic makes the isolation even worse.  I still have Ernesto here with me, but he's not the most empathetic person.  And yet, he is sensitive to spiritual manifestations so perhaps there is something beyond this vale of tears.  I wish I could have a sign from my dear father, but I only see him occasionally in dreams.

As you progress through this new chapter of your life, I wish you the very best.  I hope over time that the good memories will outshine the painful ones.  And yet, I know that even happy memories can be so poignant.  I live for the day when my present will be as happy as the good times were in my past.  I wish the same for you.  

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silverkitties

Good to see you, Missionblue!

I still remember the night I lost my dad. It was at once sad and yet a relief at the same time with all the arguing and lack of sleep. My sleep cycle had become so screwed up—because of him, I was going to bed at 8 am and getting up at 5 or 6pm. In fact, I still haven’t recovered from it entirely. 

I slept soundly that night. But when I passed his room the next day, I felt such a pang. That’s right, there was no use asking him what he wanted for dinner. When I went downstairs, I thought...dang, look at all that ice cream and ginger ale. How am I going to finish it by myself? That would be an eternal reminder of Dad. (In fact, it took me nearly 10 months to finish the ice cream.) He’s always on my mind when I go out to eat because he loved dining out: that’s when I feel lonely. I may not have been the best daughter, but I am glad I bought pancakes and other restaurant food for him over those last 5 months on a weekly basis—and that I brought him to his favorite restaurant in early February. Little did we ever think it would be his last time. 

But, of course, it’s still my mom who occupies my mind. Most of my dreams are about her. Oddly,now, we are not necessarily separated in our dreams; sometimes it’s as if nothing ever happened. Yet, there continue to be days when I feel depressed. Maybe not depressed enough to actually commit suicide, but just wanting to talk to someone as you mention.
I’m glad you have Ernesto because it seems he loves you in his own special way—just as his kids do. (You are fortunate that they are not jealous or resentful!) He may not be your dad...but honestly, no one can ever replace our parents, especially our favorite ones. However,I’m glad he’s sensitive to your dad’s spiritual manifestations. Perhaps that s a sign in itself that your dad approves? 

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MissionBlue

Dear Silver:

It's true that no one can replace our favorite parents.  After five years since his death,  I still sometimes cry for my dad or feel pangs of regret.  Even the happy memories are still sad because I can't really share them with anyone anymore except in the most superficial ways.  Most of my favorite relatives have passed on and the few that remain  have moved away and become somewhat estranged. 

I'm not sure which spirits Ernesto is hearing from.  He may have brought some with him.  So many people have lived in this old house through the years, it could be anyone or many.  For example, shortly after he moved in here, Ernesto heard someone yell, "Consuelo!" and "What are you doing?" (in Spanish).  Unknown to him, that was the name of my great aunt whose vintage oval portrait hangs in my living room.  She lived here in her old age for a few years as I was her caregiver.  Her husband and their two children had predeceased her decades  before.  

More recently, Ernesto was resting in the old guest cottage which still needs a lot of renovation.  He clearly heard footsteps upstairs even though currently there is no access to the upper level, except by a ladder which was not in place.  When he called out and asked the spirit to make itself known, he heard the footsteps again. 

More than once, Chula, the pit bull/Labrador/Pariah dog mix has come running out of the cottage, barking and snarling with her hair on end.  While napping, she had sensed some entity.  I don't think it's my dad because he had seen a shadowy phantom in the cottage before.  Around 70 years ago, as a young man, my dad was upstairs in the cottage, resting on a bed.  Suddenly,  a shadowy figure emerged from the closet, approached the bed, and began to strangle him.  He struggled with the phantom  and then it disappeared.  Then 65 years later, at twilight, he saw a shadowy figure walking towards the front door of the cottage and then disappear.  About a month later, some bricklayers working in the garden sensed the presence of this entity.  One worker saw a shadowy figure standing in front of the cottage in broad daylight, and the other felt something unseen tug at his shirt -- twice.  And yet, my dad and I had not told them about the cottage ghost. 

Meanwhile, I remain blithely oblivious to any spirits, though I do hear noises at night,  but I think it's just the house settling or air in the plumbing.  

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silverkitties

Missionblue, you need to work on that collection of ghost stories—SOON!! You have such talent for writing and you know I’d buy it ASAP. 

So far, I haven’t seen anything. Yet, if it were my mom, I wouldn’t mind. I might even be happy. If it’s a ghost of dad with dementia, I would run. Like dad, you already plagued me plenty when you were alive. Do you need to plague me while you’re dead too?  Oh well, at least he won’t track diarrhea everywhere. (I’ve yet to hear of a ghost with digestion issues!)

And as much as I love my precious kitties, I’m not sure I’d want their ghost because one of mine is very jealous.

Interestingly, this jealous kitty also happens to be a great mouser. My mom would be so proud of him if she knew. She’d say “wow, Charlie is not only handsome but so accomplished!” But a part of me wonders...I hope mom was not one of the mousies he brought to me.  


Well, I’m off to bed now! 

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MissionBlue

Thank you, Silver, for the very kind compliment!  I have heard a lot of ghost stories from people who swear they are true.  If only I could see my dad once more and know he's ok.  A cousin of mine who claims to be clairvoyant said that she saw my dad in a dream on the night he died.  He was in a beautiful forest.  He looked younger and healthy.  He told her, "I'm good to go.  Please look after my daughter for me." 

My cousin was kind to me the first year after my dad's death, but now I haven't heard from her in over three years.  She never answered my last email.  You'd think she would say hi at least once a year.  If my dead uncle's spirit asked me to look after his daughter,  I would consider it my sacred duty to at least inquire about her health once in a while.  I used to think that this cousin was the nicest member of my extended family!  But now I think that title goes to another cousin who is an ordained Buddhist minister.  She was raised a Catholic, like me, but she converted.  She called me recently to see if I'm doing ok during the pandemic, bless her heart!

I know you were just kidding, but if reincarnation exists your lovely mother would not come back as a mouse.  Her consciousness would surely rise to a higher dimension (which some call "paradise").

I have a friend who was a caregiver for her mother for many years.  My friend and her mother had their ups and downs, especially after she found out at age 65 that she was adopted!  Her late father was her biodad but her biological mother was a household servant back in Mexico.  His adoring wife had raised her as her own.  It's funny because my father once told her, "I think you're adopted" because her personality and features were completely different from her mother's.   After her death, the ghost of her mother appeared to her at home.  She told her mother, "I took care of you for many years.  Don't you come back and haunt me!  I did my duty!"

This same friend used to work in a candy factory when she was younger.  Her boss was well-liked by the employees.  Sadly, he developed cancer of the spine.  He used to lean up against a large stainless steel vat because the warmth eased the pain in his back.  After he died, my friend was working at the factory by herself when she sensed someone looking at her.  She turned around and saw her boss in his usual spot, warming his back against the steel vat.  He had come to say good-bye.

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silverkitties

It is not a compliment, Missionblue, but merely the truth. I don't know if you are looking for a job, but all you would need to do is publish a colllection of stories every so often... and maybe Hollywood might give you a Tv series on true hauntings!

Re reincarnation: I have heard Buddhists say that we will pass through all sorts of life forms. I like to think if my mom came back as a mouse, she would be like this mother mouse: 

As the sweet mother was dying, she took as much care of her baby daughter as she could, tucking her under the blankets before she herself died. I hate mice, but this story made me cry,reminding me of the last hour that I saw her conscious, when she told me to “stay out of trouble” after I told her dad’s friend was picking me up. I think about her telling me to make sure I got a share of her family’s property.

i wonder if our parents can see us, Missionblue. I wonder what they think when they see us cry or look miserable. You know, the first year, it felt like dad and I had gotten numerous signs from mom with lights turning on and off: this was pretty memorable for me, especially when my dad is usually oblivious to the world around him. I remember the night of her birthday when everything turned off for a brief second and dad called out to me, “did you notice that?” There were also other incidents, like the night I was preparing for her memorial service. The lights went out twice—and my dad called attention to it too. Of course, it could be anything,but there’s a part of me that really wants to believe mom is around , saying don’t worry, I’m still here. But since then, there have been no more incidents.

i wonder what happened to your cousin. Although like you, I’ve noticed that one of my cousins who was very involved with us back in 2014 doesn’t call any more.However,she does comment on my Facebook page at regular intervals. I hope your cousin is OK. Have you looked for her on Facebook?

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MissionBlue

I don't like mice either, but that was a cute video and one very lucky mouse.  

That is something about the lights going out.  I've heard of other people having similar occurrences in their homes after the death of a loved one. 

One time a lady I met at a grief support group gave me a ride home.  As we got into her car she found a toothpick on the console between the front seats.  She said her late husband used to leave toothpicks lying around.  She held up the toothpick and said, "He's with us now."

I don't know if I want my dad to see me cry and be unhappy.  If we still have to worry about our loved ones after we're dead then heaven would be no paradise.  My poor father worried enough about me already.  I used to tell him you worry about the wrong things!  But I know sane, rational people who are convinced that their parents live on in the next world, because they have consulted mediums who told them things that no one else could possibly know.   But I worry about mischievous spirits who might be impostors.  

My aloof cousin is ok because bad news travels fast in my family.  She's not on Facebook, but her sister is.  She would tell me if there's a problem.  She had a falling out with her sister, too, for a time.  I was gobsmacked because I thought they were so close!  Money is the root of all evil.  

I think the problem is that some of my relatives are envious of my inheritance, the home I live in here which I inherited from my great uncle.  My dad and I grew up here.  I was the caregiver for my great uncle and his two widowed sisters.  It's the least I could do, but it wasn't easy.  His older sister was my grandmother who helped raise me after my parents divorced when I was only three years old.  My dad got full custody of me, his only child.  

None of my cousins went out of their way to care for our great uncle or his sisters, so they have no right to be jealous!  I know they are jealous because of things they have said to me.  And yet, they have enjoyed far more fun and happiness than I could ever hope to experience.  For  example, my cousin has been to Disneyland, the so-called "happiest place on earth", over 50 times, and I haven't been even once.   I'll make it over there one day, after I sell my childhood home.  I should be envious of them.  And I am, but I don't want to take away a moment of their happiness.  They deserve it as much as I do this old house.  I'm just lucky that I didn't sell twenty years ago before the SF housing boom.

My clairvoyant cousin has seven cars and I've never had even one!  I hope to buy a car after I sell my home, but this darn pandemic is holding things up.   

I"ll tell you one thing.  I'd rather have my loved ones back than all the money in the world!

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silverkitties

Missionblue, you are absolutely correct that money is the root of all evil. I will get into that later—and maybe you will understand why I had—and have such animus against my dad.

But for now, let me say that your relatives are so wrong: they are so possessed by greed that they’ve forgotten how you were the caregiver for your great uncle and his sisters. That is a lot of work!

In the paternal branch of my family, it was my dad’s youngest brother who got his stepmother to make him sole heir, displacing both my dad, the oldest, and his sister. His youngest brother is also the wealthiest as a doctor. If it had been the sister who got everything, I would be somewhat less resentful as she lived next door to her parents, helping them a great deal. 

But my dad supported his parents considerably at the expense of our own. He sent them $200-300 a month for nearly 20 years from my early childhood. We should have gotten at least that much back; I wouldn’t even care if it was not calculated in today’s currency. My dad should have contested the will, but didn’t; his sister was in the midst of doing so when she died.

That property which was supposed to belong to all the siblings was worth quite a lot but my dad was too chicken to do so, even as other relatives urged him to do so. He only began to request his share 2 years ago when I pushed him . And even then, he let his younger brother bully him. 

But that’s my chickenshit dad for you. He was always great at bullying me and mom but absolutely terrified of challenging others.

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MissionBlue

That's terrible that your father and his sister got disinherited. I would be bitter, too, but since the brother who inherited everything is wealthy, maybe your dad didn't think he would prevail and that it would be a big expense and stress for nothing. They say possession is nine-tenths of the law. Suing someone in another country doesn't sound very easy.  Even if he won, enforcing the judgment is another matter.  

How long ago did your dad get disinherited?  Being a doctor, well acquainted with the frailties of the human body, that wicked younger brother probably figured that age and poor health would take the fight out of his elder siblings.  His sister died fighting for her share.  I hope that karma catches up with him.  Your dad and his sister should haunt him into madness!

I have a friend whose late parents were very wealthy.  They came to this country with nothing and eventually became multi-millionaires with 14 houses in SF and properties abroad as well.  They had four children and the youngest brother, through fraud, disinherited his three siblings.  To make matters worse, he is considered a pillar of society.  When my friend's mother was dying, and under strong medication, he had her change her trust and sign everything over to him.  He even got a crooked doctor to sign her death certificate before she actually died!

My friend and her sister took him to court.  The younger brother had paid off the oldest brother to keep his mouth shut.  My friend lost the case for lack of proof.  Or maybe he paid off the judge.  It was his seven lawyers against their two.   She claims she is now a million dollars in debt because of this lawsuit.  I hope she's exaggerating, but the court documents  are online.  

Ernesto has been sending his mother $200 per month for the last thirty years and he is far from wealthy.  Sometimes his siblings lie and say she's sick so he'll send more.  Dealing  with greedy, deceitful relatives has got to be one of the most stressful types of conflict. 

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silverkitties

No, my dad is just too chicken to contest anyone: he even got outdebated by my 17 year old cousin. There was also an incident when someone presented him with a handcrafted box. Upon seeing it, his former colleague asked him if he could have it because his daughter would love it. So my dad gave it to him. (Mind you, my dad would never do this for me.) He’s the idiot who just can’t say no. 

My dad was disinherited in 1992. His sister was trying to get the younger brother to split it evenly until 1996 when she passed.  Again, if she had wanted it all for herself, I would not have been so opposed since she helped out her parents a lot. On the other hand, having been in Taiwan in the summer of 1980, I can attest to the fact that the younger brother was rarely over there when both of their parents were alive.

If there is an afterlife, my dad is probably with his kunt cousin in hell—a relationship encouraged by his stepmother. Or at least, I hope so whenever I’m in a bad mood. Im guessing as well he’d be too chickenshit to haunt my uncle.

That will be for me to do...and I tell you I’m more than ready to raise hell. I’ll make Poltergeist look like a walk in the park, ha ha!

PS. Isn’t it bizarre how the wealthiest are almost always the greediest? I guess the more you have, the more you want. Your story makes me think of Wall Street and the major corporations—even right now as they are getting the bulk of benefits from Congress. Nor are they ever punished for bilking millions upon billions. 

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MissionBlue

I feel your pain.  They can't all be alpha males, but if he had been more testosterone- saturated then he might have squandered his inheritance on wine, women and song or on friends asking for things. 

If his sister couldn't win, being right next door, what chance did he have?  Trying to separate a greedy man from his money is worse than pulling teeth.  Since we can't change the past, we might as well rationalize the best we can.  

Ernesto likes to say what his grandfather told him:  "We should not judge our parents.  We have to accept them the way they are, just as they accept us as we are."   But that's Mexican culture which probably is too accepting of bad behavior.  I know Chinese parents are much more demanding of their family members and less demonstrative with affection.   You can't have everything.  Blessed are those who have both love and money. 

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MissionBlue

PS:  1992 was over twenty years ago.  Here in California there is a time limit for submitting claims to an estate in probate court -- not sure about other places.   I have an embittered half brother on my mother's side who decided to sue for his mother's inheritance from her mother, because he knew that mother and daughter were estranged.   He tried to reactivate a will that our grandmother had made leaving everything to him and his twin brother when they were twelve years old.  Years later, our grandmother made another will leaving everything to her only grandson but she tore it up when he became estranged as well.  She died intestate, so my mother inherited her estate as her only daughter.  Even though it was well past the deadline, and you cannot reactivate prior wills (the person has to make a new one), his lawyer still filed a claim on his behalf.  After his claim was rejected, he disowned his mother posthumously, and his half siblings as well, even though it wasn't our fault.    This is the gringo half of my family.  

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silverkitties

Well, if he couldn’t be an alpha male, he had no business pushing me the way he did—or my mother. As such, he represents the very opposite as stated by Ernesto’s grandfather which I agree with: “We should not judge our parents.  We have to accept them the way they are, just as they accept us as we are." My dad was just a spoiled brat (despite being from a poor family) who couldn’t look after himself, let alone others. He had no business being a husband or father. This is where my mother should have listened to hers and accept that he was not the right man for her. Honestly, my dad should have remained single and stuck to mistresses or prostitutes, considering how low his standards were. 

That’s why I can never forgive him. It’s bad enough he screwed over my life and career—unlike his youngest brother who let his daughter study anything she wanted and pursue the career of her choice. My dad had to make everything worse by not bothering to fight for me like any proper red-blooded man.

Contrast this to my mother who urged him to fight for his share of the inheritance while also making sure I’d get her share of she was owed on her mother’s property. My mother cared for me from beginning to end. My dad simply didn’t. No wonder I miss her far, far more than I do him.

As it is, my dad was lucky I was fair minded enough to acknowledge him in my book. But only after my mother and her relatives. And only for the fact of his funding my education. I hope this conveys to my readers that there is very little emotion involved. 

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silverkitties

I just saw your last post: one of the reasons for my frustration is that it was long ago. Not only that, I would have to go to Taiwan, and worst of all, I cannot speak Chinese. I would be ripped off royally by the lawyers. This should have been taken care of in the 1990s. 

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MissionBlue

The world is full of people whose parents should not have had them!   Nobody chooses to be here.  My own mother should not have had children, being that she suffered from mental illness, but I thank God she was intelligent.  I probably wouldn't have done so well in school without her genes.  As Ernesto likes to taunt me -- what good are good grades if you don't have a lucrative career!   Still, I'm doing better than a lot of people -- enough to make my wealthier effing relatives jealous of me!.  I like to count my blessings.  Now that I'm here, I'm glad I had such a nice father, just as you are grateful for your wonderful mother.  Usually it's the woman who chooses the man, and the thing I'm most grateful to my mother for is giving me a nice dad.  I wish he had been more ambitious.  It's funny how when he was in the army a rich woman took a liking to him.  She invited him to her home.  When he arrived he saw that she owned the whole block!  He knew then that she was out of his league, so he turned around and left without even knocking.  I used to tease him, "Gee dad, I could have been a rich girl!"  

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silverkitties

Your dad may not have been ambitious, but at least he had the sense to not make you so. The worst thing is when an ambitious man or woman doesn’t have the sense to fulfill their ambitions: this is TOTALLY the case with my dad who didn’t have the brains to advance himself or me. And in the meantime, he was doing his best to push me into fields in which I had little interest or talent. Why was it OK for him to study what he wanted—but not for me? 

When I look at his life, I see someone who did little to advance his own career, despite his attempts to pressure me. He was invited to reach at Columbia and didn’t go because he thought NYC was “too competitive.” What a wimp (and even worse  considering how much he knew I liked NYC and how he wanted me to attend the best colleges). And then he spent his sabbatical sleeping with his kunt cousin—the one with a 5th-grade education: I point this out because he liked to complain that mom was “uneducated” even though she finished 3 years of college. If he had any proper ambition, he would have spent that time writing a book—which is what most men at his age would have done.

This is why I was so seriously bent on finishing that book—to do something he could not. All my dad got was a book published by a vanity press which no one in academe does that because it’s worse than NOT being published. When I consider the circumstances of my own book—the fact that it was not in field of specialization, that I was dealing with grief, and serving as his caregiver, I am even more disgusted at the fact that he never wrote a book. 

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MissionBlue

I know I shouldn't try to convince you to forgive your own father.  You are the injured party and only you know what you had to endure.  I think I have too much of a romanticized view of educated men.  Wasn't your dad a professor of astrophysics?  To me, scientists are like demigods!  So he was a lesser god.  Intelligence is sexy -- I can understand your mom falling for him.  Almost everybody is more attractive when they're young.  I wish I could meet a nice nerd.  But I also like tough guys, so that's what I like about Ernesto.  I feel protected with him, but his temper is formidable, so I have to be careful -- which is a drag.  He gets angry even when I'm being kind, believe it or not.  Though not very educated, my dad was tough (former boxer in the army) but kind to a fault and cultured -- irresistible combo in a man.  Ernesto is not so kind, cultured or educated, but he's still the best friend I ever had besides my dad.  And he comes with a brand new family for me -- his grown kids are sweet and even his ex is pretty nice.  She knows what I have to put up with from Ernesto.  Chula the dog is my adopted wunderkind since I never had children of my own.  

My father raised me to like everything he liked,  so we got along like gangbusters.  My big grudge is against my mother.  She was beautiful, intelligent and a classically trained musician -- a child prodigy, no less!  And yet, she didn't give me music lessons or even persuade my dad to give them to me.  He tried one time but the music teacher said I was too young, without even testing me.  By the time I was old enough that local music teacher had gone out of business.  My mother sent me elementary music books and expected me to teach myself!  I did manage to decipher musical notation but never got good at sight reading so I gave up.  But I can play the piano by ear, thanks to my dear father who had that ability.  Sadly, I haven't played the piano much at all since his death, because it reminds me of my loss.  My dad and I used to play music on keyboards together.  It was so much fun!  We used to have singalong parties with his older friends, but they are all gone, too.   

I was forced to forgive my mother because she had bipolar disorder.  How can you blame someone for something they have no control over?   My naive father didn't even know what manic depression was when he married my mother.   I hope he had a few blissful years listening to her play the piano and violin, but I think they had problems from the start.  Still, he would have stuck with her through thick and thin -- she was the dope who divorced him.  She once told me that she never met a man she could look up to -- typical narcissist reply. 

Finally, at the age of 89, she admitted that she should have never divorced my dad and that he was a good man.  She asked his forgiveness, which he gladly gave with that sweet smile of his.  Shortly after that visit to the nursing home, she had a stroke and lost the ability to speak for the last year of her life.  While I feel sorry for her, I really don't mourn my mother at all, because she was absent most of my life.  I got monthly phone calls from her when I was growing up, but it was like talking to a stranger.  I mourn what might have been, but that's all.  In a way, I'm almost glad.  Mourning one parent is hard enough

My dad said to me that he could never hate my mother because she gave him such a good daughter.  I wouldn't be surprised if deep inside my psyche I was terrified that he'd reject me too!   So I was the good little girl.  Can you imagine what it feels like to be rejected by your own mother?  I must admit I didn't miss what I never really had for very long (three short years), but I did think about it.  For a while, she was the enemy, especially after she had my dad arrested after an argument when I was five years old.  That stopped the visits to her.  I was grateful that my dad was so kind to me, and yet, I still feel like I took him for granted sometimes.  He deserved a better daughter, but it's so hard when you're not having much fun in life because you feel bound by duty and you're not realizing your potential or what you thought was your potential. 

After I got my inheritance I tried so hard to spoil my dad, but he was already old and sick, and the things that used to give him joy didn't matter that much to him anymore.  So practically all we did was watch movies together, thousands of them, usually a movie a day or more.  After he died, I couldn't even turn on the tv, because it made me miss him too much.  I have thousands of films of all kinds that I collected and recorded to watch with him, and now I can't watch them anymore because the nostalgia is still too painful.  It's like I lost a large part of myself when he died.  I've watched a few classic films with Ernesto, but he says all the actors in these films are dead.  He prefers modern action movies.    

You could say that my mother ruined my life. At least, you had a mother's love.  They say there's no substitute for that, not even a father's love.  

Are you sure your dad had an affair with his cousin?  Just because they went to discos together doesn't mean they were doing the nasty. People like to gossip. Don't blame your mom too much for staying with him.  Even Christie Brinkley was married four times, and Elizabeth Taylor, eight times!  Even they couldn't find a keeper.  You never know, a stepfather might have been worse.  

Well, at least he was consistent, your dad did nothing to advance his own career either.  He probably wanted you to achieve the heights in his field which had eluded him.  Wasn't he working on a book towards the end? 

OK, I won't make excuses for your dad anymore.  I know the damage is done, but forgiveness is liberating.  

You said earlier that you had some good memories of him.  I'd love to hear them when you feel like it.  

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MissionBlue

PS:  I sympathize about the handcrafted box incident.  I'm used to relatives treating their friends better than me, but it still hurts.  My dad didn't socialize that much, so I didn't have to compete with other people too much for his attention.  It's sort of the opposite, I think I hurt his feelings when I gave some of my toys away to kids.  I should have cherished them more because they were from him, and they're vintage now.  Even as close as we were, I still complained about my life, and I deeply regret that.  I can't understand why I would ever hurt my father, when he was the best friend I had in the world.  Now I would gladly give up the world just to be with him again.  I found this interesting article entitled, "You Always Hurt the One You Love":

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/201010/you-always-hurt-the-one-you-love

Your experience with your dad reminds me of a story I read about Douglas Fairbanks Jr.  His father was the famous silent film swashbuckler, Douglas Fairbanks.  Douglas Sr, once confessed that he had "no more paternal feelings than a tiger in the jungle with his cub."  Some people just aren't good parents, what can you do?  As Doug Jr. grew into a chubby child, and his father was forced on occasions to take his son out, he was obviously uncomfortable at being seen with him.  Kind of like the way Trump is embarrassed to be seen with his daughter, Tiffany, because of her weight, even though he's overweight himself.  However, Douglas Fairbanks Sr. was super fit and performing athletic stunts was his schtick.  So Doug Jr, never felt that close to his dad.  In fact, he never kissed his father until he was on his deathbed.  His parents divorced when he was 9 years old.  He was raised by his mother who showered him with love.  I saw Doug Jr. interviewed by Dame Edna Everage on tv years ago.  He told her that, out of guilt, his father gave him a pony.  Doug Jr. named the pony Terry, and was very fond of the little horse.  Then one day he came home to find that his father had given Terry to Prince Hirohito of Japan.  He was heartbroken.  Dame Edna quipped, "I guess Terry became Teriyaki."  :-) 

May I say one last thing I admired about your dad, besides his academic quasi success? (not everyone can be a professor).   You told me that he used to exercise for his health when he still could.  Now THAT was SMART!  I used to be so frustrated with my dad because he didn't want to do exercises except when the physical therapist was here.  After those sessons ended, he pretty much stopped exercising, even though I tried to encourage him.  I think he was afraid of falling or his heart giving out.  He didn't like going out much after he started using a walker, because he had always prided himself on his physical strength.  I often wonder if he had exercised more, would he have lived longer?   As it was, he lived to 86, same as his mother, but I thought he would last longer, because he didn't smoke and didn't drink that much, but he loved sweets and refined carbs like pasta.  I think sugar is a killer, but I'm addicted, too.  I managed to get his a1c level down to normal through a low carb diet, but he still died of congestive heart failure and kidney failure. Unfortunately, there's no cure for old age.  

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silverkitties


You know, I don’t think it really matters if your mom or dad loved you more. Not all women have maternal instincts. Your mom obviously didn’t, so it’s not surprising you feel the way you do. No need to feel guilty, because as children, we do respond to our parents in the same manner that they treat us. On the other hand, your dad did love you tremendously and it counts. You not only had a close, loving relationship with him, but one where he loved you purely for your own sake and on your own merits—the best kind of parent-child relationship one could ever have. You reciprocated, taking great care of him through the years. No wonder you still miss him so much.

My dad and his cousin did more than go to discos:  she actually took him all over Asia like a prized commodity. Here she is, with her 5th grade education, bagging a Princeton-educated aeronautical engineer. I’m sure he probably also told her about how he got interviewed on TV after the Challenger crash in 1986. In fact, I wonder if this open cheating is what led to the school cutting his salary: if he’s flying around with a mistress, how serious can he be? (His students in the US and Taiwan knew all about it.) And like a schmuck, he let them slash his salary. Honestly, if my father were a decent husband or father, he wouldn’t have let any of this happen. 

My dad only began to exercise after his heart attack. I think if he were more active—like most other American men—he might have had a longer life. 

The Fairbanks story actually reminds me of my mom! While my dad was busy rejecting gifts for me, my mom was giving my stuff away. She would say, “you’ve had this for long enough; let someone else enjoy it.” LOL, I sometimes think to myself, this is how the Chinese Communist Party got started. And my parents wonder why I’m such a hoarder...

I sometimes think animals have better parenting skills.  Check out these two napping lions who are obviously irritated by their kiddies, but manage to restrain their anger. Although the end is quite amusing!

 

 

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MissionBlue

My mother probably didn't have much maternal instinct because she didn't bond well with either of her parents.  Her father divorced her mother when she was only two years old and went to China as a U.S. Marine.  Later, as a civilian, he was a member of the diplomatic service at Nanking.  He was among the injured during the USS Panay Incident of 1937.  In fact, my mother didn't see her father again until she caught a glimpse of him in a newsreel when she was 12 years old.  He was lying on the  ground among the wounded.  He waved to the cameraman. 

Her mother was busy helping out at the family restaurant, so she sent her to live with her wealthy aunt in another state.  That's where my mother received her musical training.  Her aunt had a spoiled adopted daughter who would torment her cousin at times.  My mother always felt like second fiddle when she was actually more talented and charming than the brat.  By the time she returned to live with her mother and start high school, they were like strangers.  

I finally understand how you feel about your dad.  Travelling all over Asia with his mistress was not cool.  I'm sorry that he let you and your mom down.  You didn't deserve that.  

Now he and his cousin are together forever in the second circle of Hell (Lust), according to Dante's Divine Comedy.  It's a shame that some people treat the Seven Deadly Sins like the Bill of Rights.

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silverkitties

It’s my guess your mom was so horribly scarred by her experiences growing up. She was never able to enjoy strong bonds with anyone because she was deprived of such opportunities. And as such,she came to distance herself from others in order not to be hurt again. Heck, I think we’d all be like that in similar circumstances. But I can also understand why you would feel hurt when you rarely ever witnessed other moms behaving in the same fashion. So I would say you and your mom had a tragic relationship where neither of you were in the wrong. Sure, she could have been more optimistic, but when your childhood and adolescence have been warped like hers, it’s hard to expect otherwise. 

I’m glad your dad more than compensated for her, as it were. It sounds like you had a beautiful, idyllic relationship with him. I always wished that mom would outlive dad so that we could travel through the US together by train: we had both discussed this, How fun that would be, enjoying great scenery while lunching in the dining car. Then retiring to a cozy roommette. It would be like those days in England and the few occasions on which we shared a room where Mom would say, hurry up, let’s go to bed, almost like the time I was a toddler. Except that now, we would chat into the night. Or maybe she’d be  asleep and I would be reading a horror novel. And the cats would be on our beds. 
I miss her so much...we had so many plans. Little did we know that this seemingly weak, frail asswipe would outlive her. The asswipe that cheated on her in front of his students in the US and Taiwan. The asswipe that wore her out, as she did most of the cooking, cleaning, taxes, and all the finances while he sat around doing nothing but screwing his cousin and engaging in his garbage research.

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MissionBlue

I know how you feel.  I cherish the memory of the last vacation my dad and I took together -- to Mexico.  We rarely got to take trips together.  I thought that once I got my inheritance from my great uncle that we would be able to enjoy life together like never before.  We did do some fun things, like go to the Dickens Christmas Fair twice.  My dad looked so cute in his Victorian outfit, complete with top hat,  tails and cane.  The ladies loved him.  Sadly,  his health problems had already started, including adverse side effects to medications which were worse than his illness.  When I got to go to Las Vegas for the first time with some cousins, he didn't feel up to it.  He wanted to stay home and watch the house.  He would have loved Vegas.  

At least, we have the satisfaction of having been a great comfort to our favorite  parents.  I wonder who is going to be there for us?

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silverkitties

I recall you telling me about the trip to Mexico and I think you even showed us some pics of him at the Dickens Xmas fair as well as some of your joint Halloween decorations. Your dad had a real sense of joie de vivre—a man who knows how life is  to be lived and relished. It’s a wise philosophy: after all, you only have one life!

You at least have Ernesto and his children. I get the feeling that you are all already a family unit. They see how you and Ernesto take care of each other and they appreciate it so they care for you too. 

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MissionBlue

Well, the truth is my dad went to the Dickens Fair and to Mexico more to please me than himself.  I'm sure he had a nice time, but he loved staying home.  He was a great companion for armchair adventures but he didn't really like going out that much.  I feel so sorry for him in this respect.  He missed out on so much pleasure that other people take for granted.  At least, he had an idyllic childhood growing up here with his brothers and sisters.  It was a different world back then.  

Unfortunately, Ernesto knows even less how to enjoy life.  When we first got together I thought he was a fun guy and that my life would finally change for the better, but after he moved in here, he changed.  No more fun times, except eating together (he's a good cook).  Sometimes I feel cursed, like I will never find a companion who likes to go out and experience the world.  Like you said, we only live once.

After I sell my home, I'm pretty sure that Ernesto and I will be going our separate ways.  Then I hope to God that I find a fun companion.  I want to live before I die!

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silverkitties

It’s possible that by the time you were able to travel with your dad, he was too set in his ways. 

My parents were initially not interested in going to Europe, but once they went, they returned several times! My mom also came to enjoy exploring NYC. So you never know; Ernesto might enjoy traveling with you.

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MissionBlue

Yes, Ernesto might enjoy travelling with me but would I enjoy travelling with him?  He makes everyone angry at some point.  I'm sure his kids are grateful to me for putting up with him.  

I do hope that Ernesto and I will remain friends for the rest of our lives.  He has been a godsend in spite of our turbulent relationship.  For some reason, throughout my life I keep befriending difficult men who are sometimes kind yet very quirky.  In comparison, my dad was an angel incarnate.  

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silverkitties

Fact: no one will ever live up to our best parent(s).

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Hello Ladies,
MissionBlue, I enjoyed your ghost stories. It wasn't what I expected coming here. Dad used to tell ghost stories.
They're all gone now. Like you, Silverkitties, I miss mom so much. We clashed all the time but she was my sounding board. There's no one to tell stories to now, to bounce ideas off.
I miss them so much.
We keep going on. I keep thinking I could have done better. I should have stopped work and spent more time with them. But how to juggle finances and caring for parents at the same time.
It's good to know you both are doing well. Congrats on the book.
As for coming back as a mouse. I think I will come back as a pet cat. Pet cats have a great life. They don't have to work. they just eat, sleep and go for walks all day :)

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silverkitties

It’s too bad they removed the daily thread , Tessa, because Missionblue used to write lots of ghost stories!

i wish my mom were here. My friend just sent me a bizarre story about a Viennese man who got fined nearly £500 for farting “provocatively”: mom would have enjoyed this. (Yes, I corrupted her!)

According to Buddhist thought, we don’t get to choose what life form we assume. But my guess is more people would prefer being a cat to a mouse. 

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MissionBlue

Hello Tessa,

Nice to hear from you.  I don't think we can go through grief without pondering whether we'll see our loved ones again.  Coming back as a cat sounds good -- you get eight bonus lives.  =^._.^= ∫

I don't know what I want to be in my next life.  I still haven't figured out what I want to be in this life.  I don't see how it matters if we can't remember our previous lives and we still only have one life as ourselves.  But those who believe in reincarnation say that even if we don't remember past lives, our experiences still leave an imprint on our mind.  Just like we don't remember every moment of our present lives, but our past experiences still teach us things. 

I read that some people believe you can choose not to reincarnate but some spirits miss experiencing the world through the five senses.  Even if there is food and drink in the afterlife, supposedly, things    taste better here on earth.  For example, you can drink wine in the afterlife all you want, but you won't get high.  No wonder people are dying to come back here! ;-)

Many spirits miss touching things and others simply miss breathing.  Some noble souls choose to reincarnate to help someone out or to serve humanity.  That sounds good, too, but it's bound to come with a big serving of suffering.   

I love that quote from "Lawrence of Arabia": "The trick is .... not minding that it hurts."

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The daily thread was good. It was a place for people to meet.
I haven't seen or heard from my parents since they passed on. No ghosts, no flickering lights, no dreams.
I think of them as still sleeping.
Silverkitties, I know what you mean about missing sharing with your mom. My mother would have loved to hear about the farting Vietnamese man too.
We used to laugh all the time. Both my parents were witty.
Do either of you know what's happened to Nuvar. I hope he's OK. He was going through a rough trip with his mother gone and trying to cope with his father.

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Hi Silverkitties! And Tessa and all. Certainly didnt expect a shoutout from you :) I dont always come by now

My condolences to you for your loss. I think by going to see him, he felt your presence. Im very sure he did. Here's a virtual * hug *. Im still caring for my dad whose dementia has progressed a bit but Im applying for nursing home for him. It's conflicting. My dad is a good person it's just that we dont click much in the past. Caring for him now at times is difficult but it could get worse because now hes always asking the same questions and wandering to my relatives' who live a few doors away. However with the COVID-19 situation we arent supposed to interact. But in a way im glad that they are here somewhat. I dont rly want to send him away because hes my support still and he definitely wouldnt want to go. I feel like im letting him go but being an only child you know how un-possible that i can do all of these and still go to work.

I dont know. My place is too small for a helper and currently financially im not doing too well, plus my country doesnt allow us to get new helpers in.

I also have personal struggles for now and the daily issues that other "normal" people (who have families) have. 

Just want to update a little on my end to everyone that's all.

I did settle with the surgeon although that was not my intention, i also feel conflicted about that. Now Im sort of going after the oncologist, but Im afraid if Im biting off more than I can chew, especially with the COVID-19 situation, since the government and hospital would be supporting him

Im glad your book is being published and I wish you all the best. Feel free to ping me up anytime

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Dear Friends,

Thinking of you all. I can't believe how fast the time has gone and it's almost July 4th.

I hope you're all well and enjoying the summer.

Take care, my friends.

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