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I lost my boy. I can't cope


Nowheretogo

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Nowheretogo

Good morning everyone. 

I'm having a really tough time. My little boy was put to sleep forever on Friday, me and my wife had to make the desicion to end his life. It wasn't fair to make that choice. I feel like I have played God and I'm not worthy of making that choice. He was my little cat and he was only 6. He was suffering with a blocked bladder for 1 week, he was in and out of hospital all week staying in and being treated. He had 4 catheters fitted over that week, the catheters weren't helping, we had to give him so many drugs and it just kept happening all over again every day. His mood got lower and on the last day he wouldn't get off our bed or eat. There was no physical blockage, his urethra kept spasming and no one could tell us why or how if we sorted him how to stop it happening in future. He was normally so full of life, he was our little explorer, he was still like a kitten he was that lively. We couldn't put him through any more. On that last day when his mood changed the vets told us to take him in only to tell us he had blocked again. 7th day in a row. She said they could change his meds and try again, but we just couldn't do it to him, he was weak and low and I felt like I was torturing him with all the invasive treatment. The vet said it may be best to put him to sleep. After being shocked and worried of the choice we had to make, we decided it was the right thing to do. They took him in and said they would sedate him and then we could go in. When they came for us they said they hadn't needed to sedate him as he was already relaxed enough. We watched him go. Now I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and doubt of our choice. What if we tried that one last time and it worked and he was still here with us. Happy and living and he never had the problem again and he lived a happy long life. This doubt and guilt is stopping me from grieving for his departure. I need help. 

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I am so sorry both for your loss and for having to make that judgment call, I know it was the hardest thing you've had to do and yet I hope you'll take my words to heart...you did what you had to in his best interest.  It was hard for you to make that decision, there is nothing fair about life, death, suffering, but you did it because you love him and I think he knows that, his trust in you was because he knew you had his best interests at heart and he could count on you and you came through for him in the best way you could.

What you are experiencing now, the self doubts, the what ifs, that is a normal part of grief.  Most of us go through that even when the situation is cut and dried.  My dog had cancer and I provided the best care I knew to but it was inoperable and his liver had shut down, I kept him alive two month ten days beyond diagnosis, the first month didn't seem as bad although I know he tried to be stoic for me, as they do, but then he went downhill fast.  The morning after I had him put to sleep, I remember thinking, he could be alive right now if only...
Yes, but at whose cost?  At his..  His suffering ended and mine took over.  It has been ten months on the 16th, I love and miss him more than anything.  I didn't see how I could live without him, he was everything in the world to me.  This is the hardest death I've had to endure since my husband died 15 years ago on the 19th.  I've lost my husband, sister, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousin, niece, nephew, countless friends, animals, but these were the hardest two by far.  These are the two closest to me, I lived with them, interacted with, shared my life with.

It's going to be hard for some time as your daily interactions/rituals are now a reminder of his absence.  Eventually You will no longer expect him to be there, the absence hitting you square in the jaw every day, your tears will be less frequent, but don't let that shake you, it doesn't mean you love him any less, it only means that little by little it sinks in and we process this information, adjusting as humans are made to adjust and learning to cope with amazing coping mechanisms we didn't know we possessed.  Humans are more resilient than we realize.

I still have my Arlie's coat hanging on the chair and I hold it, the closest thing I have to holding HIM.  His collar and leash hang by the door, a memorial of a sort to him and how much a part of my life he was.  I love him, I will always love him.  I look forward to the day we can be together again.  I look outside the patio door into the yard where he is buried, alongside Kitty, my 25 year old cat that died 4 1/2 months later.  For some reason I thought she'd live forever, maybe because she'd already survived so much.  I didn't expect it on Christmas when her kidneys and liver shut down, on Jan. 6 I laid her too to rest.  The little family I shared my life with, now gone.

They say we are loaned them for a time...but that time is never enough.  They are the best of life, the greatest creatures God ever made, our devoted loyal furry companions.

Sending you comfort and peace.  I hope these articles will be of help to you.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm

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I am so heartbroken for you. I hate that this happened.  

You were such good people to your cat, please do not feel guilty. If the vet suggested it, they obviously have experience in seeing that these things - as bad as it was - don't resolve. And still, you could have put him through days or weeks more of drugs and treatments to no avail. Don't assume you made the wrong choice because you just don't know. 

I am really sorry, I hope you find some peace through this grief. It does take some time. 

   

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