dad died Only child - Both parents gone, mother earlier, dad now

[RahulDesai]

I'm a 37 year old male, married with an amazing wife and a loving 4, nearly 5 year old boy. My mom died when I was 19 years old in 2002. I'm an only child and my dad was the biggest reason I could cope with her loss.

I move to Germany in 2019 from India. My dad was happy that I'd gotten a job in Germany but obviously sad that he'd be alone. I promised him I'd come back.

On the 8th of June, my dad died due to a massive heart attack. We usually video call everyday, mainly for him to talk to my son whose best friend is his grandpa, but there was no call from him that day and WhatsApp showed him offline for nearly 24 hours. I contacted neighbours and the police and we broke down the door. My neighbour video called us and me and my wife saw my dad's dead body lying in his favourite rocking chair, very still and obviously very dead for quite some time.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. My dad was my rock, now I feel rudderless. I have no siblings and no parents. While I do have my loving family, I think that while dad and I didn't always get along because of our tempers, he was the one who saw me grow up and understood me. I am so grief stricken that I keep bursting into tears without warning. I am trying to be strong because I don't want my son to be impacted by his grandpa's passing and we haven't told him yet. I know now what my dad had to go through to keep me stable when I lost mom and I just don't know what I can do to be as strong as him.

There's a big void in me, like I've lost something that I can't describe but feel so deeply. I'm so lost, I'm crying even as I type this. I keep thinking, my dad was going to be 71 in August and my son was going to be 5. Post this Covid-19 crisis I was going to fly him down from India to celebrate their birthdays together. Now I'm just angry and hurt and sad and I keep alternating between those emotions.

I want to be strong for my son and my wife. They are my family now but I feel so alone. I have no blood relatives left. I feel confused and I keep seeing my dad's body and bursting into tears. Help me, please. I need to heal to take care of my wife and son.

[reader]

Dear Rahul,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on your devastating loss. Please know its okay to be raw and sad and to burst into tears. We all cry an ocean of tears for our beloved parents. They are our anchor in this world and its so hard to think their physical beings are not here any more. Be kind and gentle with yourself during this time. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve.

I know how much you want to be strong for your sweet son and wife, but don't be hard on yourself. Grief is a long journey and will take my many paths.

I don't know what resources there are in the community but it might help to talk to someone at temple or church or a grief counselor. There are also other resources online that will help with understanding your loss. 

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

What's Your Grief

I found this article helped me a lot in understanding my loss:

https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/i-don-t-want-to-get-over-my-father-s-death

Sending my thoughts and prayers

 

 

[RahulDesai]

On 6/11/2020 at 11:43 PM, reader said:

Dear Rahul,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on your devastating loss. Please know its okay to be raw and sad and to burst into tears. We all cry an ocean of tears for our beloved parents. They are our anchor in this world and its so hard to think their physical beings are not here any more. Be kind and gentle with yourself during this time. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve.

I know how much you want to be strong for your sweet son and wife, but don't be hard on yourself. Grief is a long journey and will take my many paths.

I don't know what resources there are in the community but it might help to talk to someone at temple or church or a grief counselor. There are also other resources online that will help with understanding your loss. 

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

What's Your Grief

I found this article helped me a lot in understanding my loss:

https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/i-don-t-want-to-get-over-my-father-s-death

Sending my thoughts and prayers

 

 

Thank you so much. I'll check out those links. I am considering grief counselling. I am much better today but that pain is still so fresh in my mind.

On 6/16/2020 at 6:32 PM, Valerie Lockhart said:

Dear Rahul,

I'm truly sorry for your loss. I too loss both my father and mother. I have one brother, but we don't talk much because he's a drug addict. I'm a single woman with no children. My mother and I were extremely close. I cared for her around the clock and even stayed overnight with her while she was in the hospital. It's been two years since she passed, but I still occasionally wake up thinking she's calling me. I can still see her take her last breath. People say that things will get better with time, but I've found that we only get better with hiding the pain. I'm just beginning to get over my feelings of guilt. Be patient with yourself. Take one day at a time, move at your own pace, and know that the pangs of grief do not last forever. Recognize that everyone grieves differently. Ultimately, you will need to determine the strategy that works best for you.If you need to confide in someone but are hesitant to do so, you might find it easier to start small by expressing some of your feelings to a close friend or to your wife. You may find temporary relief by forming or strengthening friendships, learning new skills, or engaging in recreation.You might find it therapeutic to collect pictures or mementos or to create a journal of events and stories you wish to recall. Remember that any time you can spend being of help to others can help you feel better. You might start by helping others who have been affected by the loss of your loved one, such as friends or relatives who may need a grieving companion. Supporting and comforting others can give you renewed joy and a sense of purpose that may seem to be lacking. And, most importantly, pray. The God of comfort will hold onto your hand and help you to cope during this difficult time. 

 

Dear Valerie,

I can still see that image of him laid out on his favourite rocking chair and it haunts me. I am a lot better today but it being father's day, it hurts. My wife is my rock. I am fortunate to have her. I've already begun work again and it helps. Thank you for your kind words.

[Annie Powell]

Dear Rahul, 

I wish I could offer some help... but I want to offer you comfort that you are not alone. I lost my dad March 3. He was my rock. He walked my girls to school every day. He was my best friend. I lost my mom in 07’ and I am an only child. My husband of 18 years is amazing and I love him so much... I love my girls so much! But I feel ALONE. I’m angry! My dad died of cardiac arrest and I tried to save home. I picture his body and it haunts my dreams. I believe we will get better but I think we have to give ourselves grace. I’m so worried about everyone else that I’m falling apart too. Because of COVID I have not had an opportunity to celebrate my dads life.  So much emotions. I’m sending you a big virtual hug. I know your wife is doing her best for you like my husband is. I’ll say a prayer for you. 

 

[RahulDesai]

12 hours ago, Annie Powell said:

Dear Rahul, 

I wish I could offer some help... but I want to offer you comfort that you are not alone. I lost my dad March 3. He was my rock. He walked my girls to school every day. He was my best friend. I lost my mom in 07’ and I am an only child. My husband of 18 years is amazing and I love him so much... I love my girls so much! But I feel ALONE. I’m angry! My dad died of cardiac arrest and I tried to save home. I picture his body and it haunts my dreams. I believe we will get better but I think we have to give ourselves grace. I’m so worried about everyone else that I’m falling apart too. Because of COVID I have not had an opportunity to celebrate my dads life.  So much emotions. I’m sending you a big virtual hug. I know your wife is doing her best for you like my husband is. I’ll say a prayer for you. 

 

Dear Annie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel exactly the way you do, right down to seeing my dad's body and it haunts my every waking moment. I was OK the past week or so. Then I started to read our old WhatsApp messages and now I'm a blubbering mess again. I'm feeling all the classic signs of depression: loss of motivation, erratic eating patterns, lethargy, unable to focus, no joy in my work. 

I just wish there was a way to go back in time and tell him how much I love him. I never realized how much I took him for granted and now it's too late. He was so strong for me when mom passed away. Now I know what he was going through, but he never let me know, he was such an amazing person, not just an amazing father.

[RahulDesai]

On 6/11/2020 at 11:43 PM, reader said:

Dear Rahul,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on your devastating loss. Please know its okay to be raw and sad and to burst into tears. We all cry an ocean of tears for our beloved parents. They are our anchor in this world and its so hard to think their physical beings are not here any more. Be kind and gentle with yourself during this time. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve.

I know how much you want to be strong for your sweet son and wife, but don't be hard on yourself. Grief is a long journey and will take my many paths.

I don't know what resources there are in the community but it might help to talk to someone at temple or church or a grief counselor. There are also other resources online that will help with understanding your loss. 

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

What's Your Grief

I found this article helped me a lot in understanding my loss:

https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/i-don-t-want-to-get-over-my-father-s-death

Sending my thoughts and prayers

 

 

That article was so on point. Especially this:

Quote

Quite simply, he has left a space that will never be filled; therefore he is, paradoxically, still here because the space is still here, and I can feel it all the time. The gap Dad left is not a vacuum, a void, a soft area of low pressure to be filled. The gap is hard-edged, chiselled by him into my life, measured by his worth, and ineradicable.

 

[reader]

Dear Rahul,

I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Be as kind and gentle with yourself as possible. For myself, I was very raw for the first two years. So many people told me my feelings would soften a bit over time. It's hard to believe but time does help. I hope you find the counselling helpful.

Thanking for coming back and letting us know how are you doing.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

[Bebari]

Dear Rahul,

I'm so sorry for your devastating loss. I too have lost both parents. My dad passed before I was three years. My mom passed in 2016 while I was abroad studying. I never had a chance to say good bye like you. Although it's  almost 4 years and it still hurts really bad. But time makes  the pain bearable. 

My prayers are with you, your wife and son. 

[Zee24]

I am so sorry for your loss. I think you should definitely get counselling. I have read grief in common website on Readers recommendation and I still do. 
I am as rudderless as you feel but take strength in your wife and son, so you do have a family though it doesn’t feel that way. Be grateful your father was at peace about your life, he must have been so proud of you. Concentrate on being as good a father to your own boy as he was to you. If you ever need to talk, keep posting here.
Also, I agree with Valerie, this really resonated:

People say that things will get better with time, but I've found that we only get better with hiding the pain. I'm just beginning to get over my feelings of guilt.